Note: This story is not slash. All of the characters stay true to themselves.

I Now Pronounce You… Uh…

Chapter Three – Smelly When Wet

Foreword:

Poet and writer of children's books, Phyllis McGinley said "Compromise, if not the spice of life, is its solidity. It is what makes nations great and marriages happy." So compromise should be easy, right? A little give, a little take and you end up where everyone's if not happy, at least they are content. However, it depends on the people, situation and personalities involved. In this case, the people are John Sheppard and Rodney McKay. Need I say more?

*****

"I have, here on this tablet, the answers to all your questions, Sheppard. Although," He shook his finger for emphasis. "…since we are now officially betrothed I should probably call you John and you should call me Rodney. Or maybe Rod, as a term of endearment." His said hopefully. No one had ever called him Rod and he really wanted someone to, whatever the reason.

"You already call me John. And I call you Rodney all the time. And no, for the last time, I'm not calling you Rod. It reminds me of that other Rodney from the first time Jeannie came to Atlantis. He was a nice change from you for a while, but then he just got…creepy. Tell you what, I'll only call you Rod when you're creeping me out, okay?"

"Oh, alright. But won't it bother you to lie to these people?"

"Rodney, there's no such thing as a lie. There's only the expedient exaggeration. You ought to know that."

"Okay, where were we?" He used the stylus to scroll the page back to the top. "Ah! I'll read the question, give you my answer then you give me yours. On the points where we disagree, we can compromise. Simple. First question: How did we meet?"

"Easy. When we both got posted to Atlantis almost five years ago. Next question."

Rodney nodded consulting the tablet again. "Okay, first date. We had dinner together in the dining hall. Next. How long--"

Sheppard pushed away from where he'd been leaning against the door. "Wait. Wait. Wait. Dinner in the dining hall? Is that the best you can do for a first date?"

"What's wrong with dinner?"

No wonder he's still single, John thought. "Nothing, if we're just pals. And we have dinner together all the time. We need something with a little more zing for a first date. Something romantic. How about…a picnic? On the East pier. Fried chicken, potato salad, beer and that blue Jell-O you like. Then a walk in the moonlight. We held hands but didn't kiss. It was a first date after all."

McKay rolled his eyes and nodded in reluctant agreement. "Okay. Okay. It was a picnic. And also very thoughtful of you to bring along my favorite dessert. Though I don't know how romantic it is to sit on the ground and eat. My back would have been killing me long before it was over."

"Trust me, Rodney. Picnics are romantic as long as it's just the two of you. Sunset is good, moonlight is better. Something to think about." He raised his eyebrows and tilted his head.

"Really? Humph. I'll keep that in mind." He made additional notes next to this entry talking softly to himself. "Dinner in dining hall: bad. Picnic for two, sunset, moonlight, holding hands: good." The next few questions were easy. The best lie has some basis in truth so they decided that truth was best regarding when they had become engaged: earlier today-the exact time could be vague, and when the ceremony would be: haven't set a date yet. Besides, it wasn't really a lie. Just an expedient exaggeration.

"Let's see. Next up is the honeymoon. Are we even going to take one?"

Sheppard smiled wickedly, rubbing his hands together. "Of course we are. But leave that to me. I know just the thing."

McKay looked up from his tablet in alarm. "Why does that scare the bajeezus out of me?"

"I don't know, Rodney? Why does it scare the bajeezus out of you?" Sarcasm dripped off the words further disturbing McKay's peace of mind. It didn't help that Sheppard had a look on his face that is usually accompanied by a maniacal laugh. He could almost hear it, "Mwahahahaha!"

"If I were you, Dr. McKay, I'd be careful of any documents he asks you to sign before you leave on this imaginary honeymoon. Especially if they have the word 'primary' next to your name and 'beneficiary' next to his." Caldwell cut in with a smirk. The look McKay gave him made Caldwell shiver.

Their accord broke down again when they got to the question of where they would eventually reside once their tenure in Atlantis was over. "I think we should stay in Atlantis as resident civilians. You can take a part time job in the cafeteria and I'll…do…something." John finished lamely.

"We should go back to Earth, to Canada. Once I get too old to work I want to be as far from the Wraith, Genii and Replicators as possible. And at least we know people there."

"'We' don't know anyone in Canada. That's you."

"You know Jeannie and Madison. Oh, and Kaleb." Rodney pointed out. "And you're older than me and will reach retirement age a year and a half before I will. Just thought I'd point that out." He and John glared at each other for about thirty seconds. Rodney, as always, was the first to look away. "Okay. Okay. Undecided. Now on to the question of a house or a condo. Well, that's easy."

"House." Said John at the same time Rodney said, "Condo."

"House."

"Condo."

While they argued the merits of the two very different types of residences, Caldwell leaned over and said to Ronon, "They're already arguing like an old married couple. Do they do this all the time?"

Ronon gave a snort. "Yeah."

The commander grinned. "It's a wonder they get anything done at all."

"No kidding."

"Do you think they've forgotten that it's a fake engagement?"

He shrugged his massive shoulders. "Probably."

"You don't talk much do you?"

Ronon shrugged again. "Not really." When they tuned back in to what John and Rodney were saying, no decision had been made. They were undecided yet again.

Left or right side of the bed: John took the left, closer to the door in an emergency. Rodney took the right, closer to the bathroom in case he had to go during the night.

Names: Rodney thought they should take his name, John thought they should take his. Caldwell, in another fit of humor, suggested hyphenating their names and Ronon suggested McShepp as a combination of both. These suggestions were met with an icy stare from both men. In the end, they each opted to keep their own names.

Public displays of affection: Holding hands, a peck on the cheek now and again, some minor hugging, arm around the shoulder in the movies, but not much more than that. No tongues and definitely no "tonsil hockey".

"…And no, you can't put your hand on my knee under the table, Rodney."

Rodney rolled his eyes, throwing his hands in the air. "Suit yourself. I was just saying…"

Cats or dogs: Rodney wanted cats because "Dogs are big, slobbery, loud, messy carnivores. And they smell really bad when they get wet!"

John leaned against the door again, crossing his arms and one ankle over the other. "Yeah? Well you are all of those things too and we still keep you around. Especially the smelly-when-wet part. And you're allowed on the sofa."

Rodney looked hurt as he sniffed himself. "Really? You never said anything."

"I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"Hmm, now that I know…um…what were we talking about?"

"Dogs." Ronon interjected.

"Oh, yeah. Well, dogs run away and your parents tell you it's because he didn't like you. On the other hand you and your cat share a special bond. Like a parent and a child but without all the paperwork and those ridiculous psyche evals that come with adopting human children. And you always know where you stand with a cat."

"True. Cats understand exactly how you feel. They don't care but they understand. Dogs have owners, cats have staff. Dogs sleep with you because they love you. Cats sleep with you because they love your bed. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you later…maybe." Obviously, John wanted dogs. "I want dogs. Big dogs. Big dogs that like to chase cats. A lot. Besides, you can't take a cat for a ride in the car or to the park and they won't chase a ball. And if you fall in the river, a dog will jump in and save you. A cat will let you drown and their only thought would be 'Well, there goes my meal ticket.'"

Rodney scowled. "I'll put us down as 'undecided'."

Kids: John wanted kids, three or four at least, maybe more. "That's why we need a house! Besides, a condo is just a glorified apartment."

"If we had cats instead of kids then we could live in a condo. Not to mention that if we get a house, you are doing all the yard work. It was one of my chores as a kid and I've always hated it."

"If we had kids, they would do the yard work." John sighed. "Okay. Okay. I'm too tired and hungry to argue any more. Let's just get this whole thing over with. Put us down as undecided…again."

*****

The two men were tired, hungry and ready to get this whole thing over with. As they neared the Officer's Mess a group of Kardanians were huddled together speaking quietly and gesturing. Sheppard put a hand out to stop McKay's forward motion.

"There she is. Okay. Here's what we do. We casually wander over, I'll say I'm very flattered but I can't marry her and introduce you as my…whatever."

McKay's eyes bugged out when he saw E'llya. He made an angry sound. "That is just so typical! You always get the beautiful sexy alien." His voice had risen attracting the attention of E'llya. She smiled brightly and began moving in their direction. She had a grace and allure that was very appealing to both men, even if she did have hair like a punk rocker.

Out the side of his mouth, Sheppard said, "Here she comes. Hold my hand. Try to act like it's something we do all the time and you're not as creeped out by it as I am." Before their hands could touch, McKay made an impulsive decision. He grabbed his friend by the shirt front, pulled him up against his chest and planted a kiss right on his lips.

TBC