Author's Note: I'm so sorry for my lack of writing. The Break-Up episode happened and I just didn't feel like writing because of it and then school became absolute hell for me. But I am back and will be updating about once a week or every two weeks, I have a proper academic break in just over two weeks so things will get back on track then. Also, I'm going to keep with my idea of why they broke up. So this story is only accurate until 4x03. Thanks for reading this.
Eventually I stopped in front of a house I knew so well I could practically close my eyes and not get lost in it. Thump. Thump. Thump.* I pounded my fist against the door and hoped among anything else that they were home.
I was originally headed to Elizabeth Hummel's grave to talk to her. It was something I had been doing alone when Kurt had first taken me there after we started dating. I used to just sit and talk to her, the way I wanted to towards a mother; the way I wish I could talk to my own. It gave me a bit of happiness whenever Kurt wasn't available. I still had a way of being connected to him, and I wished that Elizabeth would've accepted me as Kurt's boyfriend. Kurt said she was such an amazing person, and I wish I could've met her.
I had only just realized now that I no longer have the right to visit her; I had broken her son's heart (though he broke mine as well).
The front door finally opened and I was glad to see Hiram and Leroy Berry. They had helped me out with the Kurt/Chandler situation last year; way more than Ms. Pillsbury ever could. I hope that they would be able to give me some insight now.
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Tears slowly trickle down my cheeks as I moved my tray into its upright position for landing. I'm glad I didn't bring a full-size luggage bag so I could simply get off the plane and hail a cab ride to the train station. I talk quietly to myself to calm the nerves.
Just another half hour Kurt. Keep it together**. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. No breaking down now, don't let them see you cry***.
I finally make it back to the loft with only tears escaping my eyes, no sobs yet. I slide the door open and Rachel looks up at me from her seat at the kitchen table. I promised I'd call her when I had fixed things with Blaine. We make eye contact; we both know that the call was never made. She takes my hand as I seemed to have frozen to the spot, and she gently tugs me over to the couch and sits down next to me. Rachel doesn't say a word; knowing it would only makes things worse at this point. She pulls my head to her chest and I let myself be comforted by her.
Finn and Sam had tried to awkwardly help me, but it wasn't the same. They weren't Blaine or Rachel.
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"Do you want to say goodbye to him?" Hiram asks me finally.
"No, of course not." I respond instantly.
"Then why are you?" He asks me.
"It hurt too much. Love isn't supposed to feel like this. It's not supposed to make you immobile and so distraught that your whole being just wants to cave in. There is still supposed to be light in your life. It's not supposed to being a spiralling tornado that stops you from breathing. That's how I started feeling two weeks after Kurt was gone. There's no way something like that could be healthy. It wasn't right." I explain to them, finding the words I hadn't been able to last night.
"Okay, so what happened after two weeks of him being away? What suddenly changed in your life besides his obvious absence; because you sort of had a similar experience after he transferred back to McKinley and you were still at Dalton." Hiram asks again.
"He stopped calling. He never returned a phone call. He'd cancel Skype dates with a quick "Sorry, busy." He didn't really want to be with me anymore. New York is so big and has so much to offer him, why should his high school sweetheart hold him back? It makes no sense. I'm useless anyway. My brother doesn't care about me and my parents would prefer that I limit social contact as much as possible. The Warblers never even checked on me when I was in the hospital because one of their classmates almost blinded me! And New Directions just puts up with me because I'm Kurt's boyfriend! Or I was…" I whisper the last part.
"Blaine Anderson!" Leroy speaks for the first time since we had all sat down at the Berry kitchen table, sipping on coffees as we spoke. "You two, are a lot more than high school sweethearts; I can guarantee you that. I've seen high school sweethearts; Rachel has had three for heaven's sake! The difference between you and Kurt is that you survived together. You survived being tormented together, survived the bullies together, and this has made you dependant on each other. Rachel did it all herself; and I'm not saying this is better, it's just different. It doesn't make her need her partner. Kurt did some of the work himself, but you were completely a goner. I know from what Rachel has told me of your past that you were once emotionally devoid; just a perfect-cut Dalton gentleman playing the part who wasn't really living. Kurt made you live again. The problem is you became KurtandBlaine, never Kurt and Blaine. And now that he is in New York he's started to learn how to just be Kurt, while you don't know how to just be Blaine. You need to look really hard at yourself and try to figure out who Blaine is because I'm pretty sure you've lost sight of him. You latched onto Kurt and depended on him to be your missing brother, your missing parents, your missing friends, everything. Kurt needs you only as his boyfriend." Leroy takes a deep breath.
"What I'm trying to say is, if you ever get back together with Kurt - DON'T interrupt because I know one day you'll wake up and realize what a mistake you have made - you have to discover who you are; you can't be just andBlaine for the rest of your life. Think it over." He finishes gently.
We silently drink the rest of our coffee and Hiram offers me a ride home, knowing I'm a little afraid of Leroy at the moment. He drops me off and wishes me best of luck before I quietly make my way to my bedroom and fall into a restless sleep.
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I wake up groggy finding Rachel sleeping beside me on my bed. I can safely say that if I saw her in my bed three years ago I would have screamed and punched her in the face. Wow, how times have changed. My heart is thick as I realize I have to get back to work and pretend that everything is okay, like I'm not hurting. I ache to call Blaine even though I know I shouldn't. We were friends after all, right? We need each other. Friends can call each other and sends silly morning greetings, right? I ask myself honestly if I have ever done that for Rachel. The resounding NO in my head only causes me more distress.
I have just sat down at work; pretending to be as upbeat as ever. Everyone seems to know that something is off. Even Isabel has noticed, though she doesn't say anything; I'm grateful she doesn't. I do my work flawlessly, but nothing more. I feel like a robot; like I'm just going through the motions without really living.
Going through the motions without really living… these words strikes a note with me, and I try to figure out why. It's not until I'm on the subway home after work that I realize why. It's the words Blaine used to use before he met me. He had told me that after our first time together, we we're laying in his bed and he said the words so simply.
"You know I wasn't really living before I met you. Just doing whatever I needed to do day in and day out; performing made me feel alive but only for a few minutes at a time. Then you came along, and just completely swept me off my feet." He paused for a moment, smiling softly to himself.
"I never had a crush on you. I just fell in love, so quickly I didn't even notice." He smiled so brightly his eyes crinkled and I swore I fell in love with him again in that moment. I leaned forward and kissed him, somehow even more passionately then I had just hours before.
I smiled at the recollection, and then immediately frowned.
Was that how he felt again after I left? When I didn't return a call or ignored a text message? My heart felt heavy from past memories, but now I'm suffocating all over again.
Inspiration suddenly struck me as I try to piece together how to fix us. I quickly make it back up to Rachel's and my apartment before getting out various supplies. I know that what I'm doing is definitely outside the friend's border but lines were made to be blurred, broken, oh whatever.
Rachel gets home half an hour later and sees me focused on my work. I am determined to get the first part sent off within the week and it has to be perfect. Rachel must see the determination in my face because she quietly says, "You're going to do anything to get him back, aren't you?"
I look up into her bright brown hopeful eyes, which reflect my own.
"I have to."
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A few days later I am sitting in bed, quietly strumming my guitar. Before I was bullied I used to fiddle around with it, sometimes write certain chords and lyrics down; it seemed like a decent enough place to start. I wasn't ready to open up to other people, though the Berrys' assured me that I would with time. I hear a soft knock on the door so I put the guitar down and walk to the front door.
I open it to reveal a bored looking postal worker.
"Package for Anderson." He says lazily. I take the box and sign the slip, wondering what my parents had ordered. On the top that I notice the perfect scrawling of Blaine Anderson, in writing I would recognize anywhere.
I take the package to the kitchen and delicately open it with the help of some scissors. In the box is a misshapen square. I look at it closely and decipher that it is a piece of a puzzle; but I can't figure out what it may be a picture of. It's just a yellow, something or other, with a dark blue background. I turn it over and see words that both break me down and hold me together all at once.****
"Just know that you're not alone."
Author's Note: Oooooooooh, what's to come? Super long chapter as apology for the delay. This was going to be two chapters but now it is one. I'm being kind to you all.
* If you want a little pick me up after this depressing little spiel, read my story Thump, Thump, Thump to get two perspectives on the first Klaine kiss.
** Search "BA – Keep It Together" on Youtube if you have the time. I know I used this in context with Kurt in the chapter but I feel like this video completely captures how I view Blaine.
*** I'm quoting Becky because that line always breaks my heart. It's also how I view Blaine and I'm trying to get Kurt to realize how Blaine felt when they were apart.
**** I just noticed that I stole the second half of that sentence from a fanfiction called Perfect, Not Broken which is the saddest Klaine fic I have ever red. It's only Livejournal and you all should read it. I like the line too much to change it now. Cited!