Shall Not Tear Asunder
Disclaimer: I still don't own it, and they're way more evil than me
AN: This story is essentially a multi-chapter follow up to the oneshot story Inchoate by ColieMacKenzie. I highly recommend reading that first, because it sets up the narrative and it's wonderful.
AN2: For guest who thought I was a fast writer, I actually wrote the whole story before posting, so hopefully there will be a chapter a day until it's done. And we still have a bit to go yet. ;)
For CB, who always makes the words make sense. And for Nic, who offered unbelievable support and encouragement in allowing me to climb into her sandbox and build a whole new...well, castle.
She's soaring, and it's incredible. More than she could imagine possible just a week before. Suddenly the bleak stretch of the future seems to have light and life again.
But it's so much so fast, and that's almost terrifying unto itself. Because she wants it so badly, the thought of losing this again threatens to take her under.
She pulls back. "Castle, we need to be smart about this. We were plenty good at making each other miserable not long ago. And we can't put the kids," or ourselves, she adds silently, "through all this again."
He gives her a long, careful look. "Kate if there is one thing I've always been sure of, it's been us. I made stupid choices I'm not proud of. We both did. Things were handled badly. I was hurt, and I get stupid when that happens. I always have. But I'll do better. We both will."
She wants to believe him, so badly it hurts. She misses him, and them, and their family. And it all seems so close suddenly. She wants it more than she thinks she's wanted anything else in a very long time. But it scares the hell out of her.
She's afraid. And as he had put it himself, she knows that's the thing that makes her stupid. She remembers a long ago fight had where he had accused her of being afraid to be happy. She had not wanted to admit it then, but it was true. In the end, she thinks that's why she agreed to the divorce. Fear. It had gotten hard, and it had gotten ugly. And she knew it would be difficult. Hurtful, the process of coming through it. And it seemed so much easier to just end it. So much easier on all of them. But all it had been was worse. He was right about that.
Kate wants to do this better. She wants to get it right this time. But still, she hesitates. "It's just," she tries to explain "so fast. I want this. More than anything. But I don't want to screw it up this time. And I don't want the girls to have to live with parents who end up turning on each other again, Rick. They're getting older. It wouldn't be so easy to hide this time."
He sighs then, and brings her back in closer. She lets him. He reaches out and tips her face up so that she has to look him in the eyes. It makes her insides go haywire. God, it's been such a long time since she felt like this. And it feels so good.
"Kate, I'm not saying we just hit the reset button and fall back into our lives tomorrow. I'm not saying we should just fall back into bed, either. Though I'd be lying if I said both weren't tempting ideas. It's going to take work, and time, and probably a good deal of therapy. But it takes action, is what I'm saying. There's no magic fix, no length of time that would just suddenly make everything okay. We can't wait it out. If we want a future, a life, then we have to make it happen. It's not going just to come to us."
She can't help it. She all but sobs with relief. "You'd do that? Therapy I mean?" She had suggested something like that once, before the divorce, and it hadn't gone over well at all.
He pulls her into his arms now, holding her. It feels so good that tears come without her consent. "Don't cry, please," he begs, his voice soft at her ear. "I can't stand it when you cry. It's all I've been able to think about all week." She sniffles, tries to stop, as he continues. "I'll do whatever you want, Kate. Whatever it takes. Therapy...hell, I'd see a Shaman if I thought it was what we needed."
That does it, that makes her laugh. "Don't be ridiculous," she huffs at him. Then she thinks for a moment. "No, do. I've missed you." She clings to him. He feels so good.
When she can stand it, she puts a few more inches of space between them again. "But, we'll be careful? The girls..."
"Will learn that their parents are imperfect human beings; people who fall down and fail sometimes. Who struggle and break like anyone else. But that's okay. Because sometimes with work, and time, things that can be broken can also heal. It's a hell of a better lesson, I think, than letting them think we just quit when things got hard."
That arrow hits the mark, and she knows he didn't even intend it that way. But it rankles, the idea that that's what they've done. That they quit. She used to swear she'd never be that person. But...maybe it's not too late to change that.
"When did you get so damned logical?" she jokes.
"I had an excellent teacher," he teases back, kissing her lightly. She dives into that kiss, deepening it, letting the promise of it buoy her.
"Okay," she says when they come up for air. "Let's work on it," she agrees softly.
He whispers a litany of thanksgiving in her ear for that, over and over, mixed with her name like a blessing. When he comes back to earth, she asks him to stay and have dinner with her. She changes clothes and they order pizza, then sit there on her sofa talking until dawn, like old friends who have been kept apart too long.
It's the best night she can remember in years.