Chapter 3: B'Elanna Torres

Her door rang just as she finished her last bite of the twentieth-century Italian pasta she had ordered from the replicator. She quickly wiped her mouth, disposed of the tray, and commanded whoever was behind the door to enter.

Lieutenant Commander Tuvok raised his eyebrows at her, "am I intruding, Captain?"

"Not at all," Kathryn said, motioning him in, "I'm glad that you're here. I want to have a word with you."

"Very well," Tuvok began, "but I must first inform you that I am to escort B'Elanna Torres to your ready room in…"

"That won't be necessary, Lieutenant," Kathryn dismissed any signs of objections with a wave of her hand. "Speak of the devil…"

Tuvok's eyebrow arched curiously at the metaphor.

"I want to discuss your report regarding the incident between Lieutenant Carey and Lieutenant Torres."

Kathryn would have offered him to sit, but she knew him far too well to know that he preferred to stand. He stood and waited patiently for Kathryn to continue.

"When I read over your report, I didn't see anything on what B'Elanna had to say regarding the incident. I'm unsure as to why you would leave that out of your report before handing it in…"

"Excuse me, Captain, but I presumed that since she is hardly an officer of the Federation, that filing a report which is meant for Federation Officers would have been…counterproductive."

Tuvok's attempt to delegitimize Torres as a Federation Officer struck a nerve in her and she snapped, "Lieutenant, your duty is to submit accurate and complete security reports on incidents that happen on the ship, not to arbitrate on who is a starfleet officer and who isn't. This report is inaccurate without B'Elanna's testimony and it's unlike you to submit half-done security logs …"

Tuvok looked stoic, as he always did, "I'm sorry, Captain. I can return to Engineering and finish the security report properly…"

"No, you're dismissed for the day," Kathryn said and sighed, "I know all of this must be very stressful for you, Tuvok…"

"Stress is a human emotion that Vulcans do not experience," Tuvok interjected, staring down at her with his hands clasped behind his back. Kathryn wasn't certain, but she guessed Tuvok would be very annoyed if he wasn't socialized to suppress his emotions.

"I want you to take the rest of the day off, enjoy some leisure time. You haven't had a day off since the mission with the Maquis. Maybe you could use this time to catch up on your meditation…"

"Very well, Captain," Tuvok nodded once and Kathryn felt that he was simply appeasing her. She dismissed him and watched as he walked towards the door. He may appear impervious, but Kathryn knew better of her long-time friend. The doors shifted open and revealed an approaching engineer officer who looked questioningly between the Vulcan and the Captain. Kathryn unconsciously bit her lip at the approaching Klingon-human hybrid, her eyes shifting between her beautiful forehead to those filled lips and even managing a quick examination of her heaving breasts.

"You asked to see me, Captain."

Oh yes I did. Kathryn fought against every impulse firing within her, nodded in response half-afraid that a verbal one would reveal far too much than she could allow. She meticulously observed how the engineer gracefully walked into the room. Tuvok, the only presence who could easily remind her of her duties, walked away leaving her to battle between her deepest fantasies and her lifetime's achievement: her Captainship and all the duties it involves. The engineer slowly sat down in the chair across from her and Kathryn could feel the effects deep within. Focus, Kathryn, focus.

Once seated, B'Elanna immediately looks flustered and rapidly begins trying to justify the events of the past several days, "I want you to know that I have personally gone through every remitter relay again and refitted four of them myself."

Kathryn had been shifting in and out of cloud nine, but was immediately brought back to the harsh reality that they were stuck in the middle of nowhere, all thanks to her own actions, and the engineering department was blaming themselves for failing to repair warp drive. It was almost comical that they should blame themselves over her failures, as if repairing warp drive in a matter of days could get them home any sooner. No, even at warp nine it would take almost two decades. She wanted to laugh at B'Elanna's apology because it was so trivial to the deepest sorrows that Kathryn had to face every day. But no one could ever know that: a Captain could never allow the morale of the crew to descend from knowing their Captain had failed. Best to lie, after all: ignorance is bliss.

"No one blames you for what happened," Kathryn said, allowing her Captain intuitions to take over. "No one could have foreseen this, and so long as you are all working hard to restore warp drive, I see no reason for you to apologize…"

"It's just…" B'Elanna rolls her eyes up, as if trying to literally search for the words that aren't easily forming upon her skull, "I'm not used to…not having a solution for an engineering problem."

Kathryn smirked. So we have a perfectionist on our hands. She reminded her of herself, or of her younger self who wanted to be the top of her class, wanted to know all the answers, wanted to be the best and gave up so much socialization time to be that person. It all allowed her to become a female Captain of a federation flagship, something that not a lot of women could call themselves, and she felt damn proud of that. All those qualities she valued, she could smell on B'Elanna. They were embedded deep within this klingon.

"I understand," Kathryn confessed and by the look in B'Elanna's eyes, she understood. "I know you must feel as if you've somehow damned our ship by not restoring it, and you need to recognize that this isn't true. If anything's damned the ship, it's by my actions, you understand?"

B'Elanna nodded. Kathryn suddenly had the desire to learn everything about this Klingon-human hybrid. She wanted to pick apart her brain, understand every thought that's ever coursed through her mind, every emotion that's flooded her veins, and every action that's produced sweat from her pores and tears in her eyes. She sighed a heavy sigh, releasing as much of that desire into the air as possible. B'Elanna noticed, and Kathryn was sure that she assumed it was due to her frustration at B'Elanna's pity-party. Better her to assume that, than to perceive unprofessionalism.

"Commander Chakotay thinks very highly of you," Kathryn immediately changed the subject, "in fact, he's recommended you for Chief engineer."

B'Elanna wore a stunned expression for a moment before she closed her gaping mouth and nodded subtly, "well, we have been through a few scrapes together…"

"Oh?" Kathryn arched her eyebrow in curiosity. This was one of those appropriate times where she could get away with delving into B'Elanna's personal past. I'm asking for the sake of the Federation, she desperately tried to convince herself. Oh hell, what did it matter anyways? They were stuck out in the middle of fucking nowhere, several decades travel from the nearest Federation outpost. It hardly mattered at that point if she was asking truly for the sake of the largely absent federation organization, or asking for personal reasons to greater understand this engineer who was another player in her ship of the damned.

"Well, we did have to outrun the Cardassians and the dominion on several counts. The Jem'Hadar aren't
very forgiving," B'Elanna half-smiled in recollection and Kathryn melted inwardly at the beauty of it. "I remember when the whole plasma relay shut down after a direct hit and I had only a few minutes to re-caliber it before the ship would explode and," she laughed for a moment and Kathryn was in heaven, "It's so funny to recall now but at the time it was the most daunting task I've ever faced. I completed it successfully within seconds of the ship exploding. I was seconds away from death… from all of us dying…"

At the mention of it, her expression became grave. Kathryn's eyebrows furrowed in concern. She wanted to reach out and comfort her, but it all passed so fast as B'Elanna's expression immediately changed and her eyes appeared eagerly at Kathryn, waiting for a response. Stupidly, she said the only thing that could come to her uncooperative mind.

"Do you feel ready?" It sounded so stupid the moment she said it, and she regretted it. Of course this woman was ready; she had outsmarted Jem'Hadar for heaven's sake. She had saved a whole Maquis crew on more than one occasion, single handedly from what it appeared, so yes: she was beyond ready for the head position of a Federation-trained engineering crew. There was no questions to her skills, it was her conduct aboard the Voyager that made Kathryn question B'Elanna.

"Well, I know my way around an engineering room, if that's what you mean," B'Elanna replied.

"That's part of what I mean," Kathryn stood up from her chair, unable to sit down. She needed something to distract her racing mind and the only feasible thing to do was to begin pacing the room. Oh hell, what was the point of lying to herself? Really she just wanted to see what she looked like from the back. "As well as your ability to lead when the time calls for it. I'm not sure if I'd be doing you a favor by placing you in charge, there'd be a lot of hard feelings by the senior officers who are in line."

B'Elanna's eyes blazed with intensity, "I'm not bothered by what others think of me."

Kathryn's knees almost buckled. Pacing was not helping. She leaned against her desk for support and continued on with what she was sure any Starfleet captain who wasn't intensely aroused by the presence in their room would interject with, "and the job requires in-depth knowledge on the protocol of Starfleet…"

"Listen Captain," B'Elanna cut her off as she stood up. The annoyance was written all over her face and Kathryn immediately felt the guilt, "if you don't think I'm right for this job, just say so!"

B'Elanna stared at her intently, with piercing brown eyes and it was in that moment that Kathryn was able to overcome her desires as well as her duties, and step forward as one autonomous being speaking to another. Just truth, no bullshit: "I'll be honest, I'm not sure whether you are or not…"

B'Elanna's eyes softened and Kathryn continued, "that's why I wanted to meet. To try and get to know you better…"

B'Elanna's eyes averted to the ground and she folded her hands across her chest. Kathryn wanted to reach out and comfort her, desires aside and all, just to let her know to not be afraid to pursue this position because she has nothing to fear. She is as equally able to attain the position as the other senior officers: it's whether or not she as an individual is ready to accept the duties of chief engineer. B'Elanna's eyes were looking everywhere but at Kathryn. She decided to take advantage of the vulnerability.

"I've been studying your academy records," Kathryn pressed, and a sigh of frustration escaped the klingon's lips.

"Where did you get that?" B'Elanna almost looked furious.

"Tuvok had the names and information of your entire crew by the time we left Deep Space Nine," Kathryn answered. She had no reason to lie about this. At the mention of the Vulcan, B'Elanna's eyes glowered in fury. He was the one who betrayed them, the reason they were stuck on the Voyager with the federation crew. She didn't need to know what was going on in B'Elanna's head, it was all instinctual.

"Four disciplinary hearings, one suspension…my, you had quite a turbulent couple of years, eh?"

"Yeah, I guess you can say that," B'Elanna's eyes fluttered as the memories flooded through her.

"What do you think the problem was?" Kathryn meant for the question to be softer in nature than it sounded and B'Elanna flipped from hearing it.

"The problem? The problem was a system that didn't give anyone a chance to breathe!"

"We work under the same system in this ship," Kathryn defended.

"Then I guess that maybe this is just a bad idea," B'Elanna's voice trembling at the end. She turned quickly on her heels and before Kathryn knew what was happening, she was gone and her office was as empty as she felt.

What just happened? She sighed, but the feelings of confusion and anger overwhelmed her. She sat down in her desk and clasped her forehead in her hands, wanting to cry it all out. Sitting here, arguing against her desires and bolstering the rules of the federation. She snorted, if this wasn't the story of her goddamn life.

Kathryn sat, reliving what had just happened in her mind, going over every spoken word and gesture and trying to figure out why it had ended badly. There was one pressing reality and it was that she had pushed B'Elanna too far. This whole ordeal was her fault. All she wanted to do was to get to know her, and instead she questioned her about what is clearly a sensitive topic. Of course it is, why wouldn't it be?

Her head was pounding uncomfortably. A headache was forming, and with a great sigh she touched her combadge.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes Captain?" His voice was far too enthusiastic, as if expecting to hear promising news about her meeting with B'Elanna.

"I'll be in my quarters the rest of the day, can you man the bridge?"

"Of course Captain…are you alright?"

Tears were falling down her face but her voice gave away nothing: "I'll be fine."

She closed her eyes and allowed them to freely fall. She had wanted this to go differently, desperately. But nothing went how she planned, how she wanted, and she sat there wishing she could go back to the moment when B'Elanna walked into her office so the events could unfold to a different tune. The depression was creeping up through her veins, and she wasn't going to fight it this time.