It had been a couple of weeks since the lounge party. Joker had spent many nights pondering Shepard's smile, but he'd yet to come up with explanations that made sense. Plus, she hadn't done anything else suspicious since then. He was beginning to think it was a fluke.

"I thought the professor went to bed already," Joker commented when he saw the sensor monitor light up with a presence in the tech lab. He yawned as EDI explained.

"It appears Commander Shepard has business in the lab."

"Shepard? Really?" He perked up in his chair, intrigued.

"Would you like me to take over the helm, Jeff?" she asked. He shook his head.

"No, no—why would you do that?"

"Do you not wish to talk with the commander?"

"She is up awfully late, isn't she…" It was more a statement than a question.

"Indeed, Jeff, it is very late," EDI replied. He gave it fifteen seconds of genuine thought and then got up.

"Okay, but just for a minute," he muttered, making his way out of the cockpit and across the CIC. The two doors in his way hissed open and he saw her standing there. He crossed his arms and grinned when she glanced up at him from the far side of the lab.

"Commander," he nodded in her direction. "Avoiding your bed again?"

"Planet scanning," she replied.

"Ugh… that'll you put to sleep."

"That's the idea." She grinned. "What brings you to tech?"

He felt a little mushy inside at her smile but nothing about his expression gave it away. He casually began punching buttons at the research terminal, hiding the butterflies behind a nonchalant shrug. He couldn't possibly tell her it was because he knew she was there and wanted to see her—alone.

"I had some ideas so I thought I'd key in the research," he said. She must've accepted that because she didn't say anything else. He glanced at her as he worked but she seemed focused on the scanner in front of her. The fact that she was there meant he couldn't take his eyes off of her. He kept forgetting what he was typing, lost in questions like, is she looking at me? and I should say something… damn it, what though? When he found himself actually type one of his mental curiosities, he knew he wasn't going to get anything accomplished at the terminal.

Joker forced a yawn and stretched, coolly walking toward her. He took her in fully in just a matter of seconds, remembering why he felt so squirmy whenever she was around.

"How's it going?" he asked, pretending to be interested in her activity rather than her.

"Boring."

"What, you don't like probing for treasure?" he asked, hinting at something else. She shifted her weight from one hip to the next and leaned against the console. He loved the way she moved; the simplest of motions looked powerful and sexy.

"That's just it," she began. "Do you ever feel like this is wrong—taking advantage of another planet?"

"It's not taking advantage if they want it," he replied. She furrowed one brow, wondering if there was innuendo in his words. Bingo. "C'mon, you drop the probe on the site, a dig is organized, jobs are created, resources are gathered, and you get a little of the payload for your part in starting it all. How is that not a good thing for everyone involved?"

Joker noticed the scanner grid was spiking but Shepard was too busy listening to his bullshit speech. He walked closer.

"Besides," he continued, leaning around her, "we do have needs, Commander…" Their eyes connected for one serious moment and then he pushed the button.

"Launching probe," EDI announced.

The scanner went back to sweeping the planet and Joker stepped to the side to give Shepard some space. He copied her stance against the console and waited for her response. There was a twinge in her lips, as though she were trying not to smile.

"This isn't exactly legal…" she reminded him. Joker scoffed.

"The Alliance had regs, sure, but this isn't the Alliance. No hands tied, y'know, unless you like that way…"

She almost laughed.

"There's still System regulations."

"Forget that Council, inter-sector bull. We're the ones out here, not them."

"True," Shepard agreed, turning her body away from his to watch the scanner. "We're so far out in the black, we have to make do with what we can get."

"Well yeah, but… sometimes it's exactly what we want." Joker narrowed his gaze on her. "What we need, even."

Shepard lifted her glaucous blue gaze to the purple energy whipping outside the window. She was thinking about what he'd said—it was written all over her face. When her head finally turned toward his, she looked confused.

"…did we just…?" But she couldn't find the words to finish. Oh yes we did.

"Just what?" he feigned innocence. She took a moment to find her next words.

"That was about planet scanning… right?" she asked. Not even a little bit, he thought.

"What else would it be about, Commander?" He gave her look like she might be crazy, which got a small laugh out of her.

Joker soaked up her presence in the silence, suddenly not as afraid of it as he normally was. He'd broken the code by falling for her—the code that said, "don't be a sucker for what everyone else is drooling over." And everyone else was drooling over her. Kaidan had fallen for her the moment he saw her. It took Liara two moments to start swooning. Then the new Normandy came about, and the crazy crew she accrued started the cycle all over again. The over-eager admiration Garrus had held for her suddenly swelled into heart-throbbing love and Thane's inner-romantic practically jumped her leg every time she walked by—not literally, of course, but Joker could see it in the drell's giant, black eyes.

Luckily, she'd yet to fall for any of it. Why? He never knew. He made himself believe he didn't want to know. It took her dying to realize how stupid he'd been. How could he not fall for her? She was… inherently good. Good at its absolute finest. And she wasn't just human good; she was all-species good. He wanted to be there for her…

With his Vrolik's, however, he wasn't exactly a knight in shining armor. He couldn't run into combat with his back to hers or tackle her beyond a bullet's reach. However, he'd done his share of swooping in to save the day with the Normandy. And if doors didn't open themselves, he would've opened a door or two for her; good intentions counted, right?

When Shepard was suddenly looking at him, Joker realized he'd been inside his head too long and he scrambled for something to say.

"Something wrong, Joker?" she asked. Pick a topic, any topic. He scoured her body for something to mention.

"I was just thinking how long your hair's gotten," he muttered casually. Her eyebrows pinned back in surprise, at first, and then those blue orbs she possessed drifted into her mind as she actually considered what he'd said.

"I guess you're right," she agreed, fiddling with the ends. "It has gotten long. I'm told my hair started growing the moment I had independent cell generation. It's been growing ever since."

"Don't you want to cut it?"

"Why?" she snapped. "Do you really miss the old me so much? If I look like I did back then, you'll feel more comfortable?"

"What?" he exclaimed, frowning. "That's bull, Commander. I just thought you kept it short in the old days for a reason, that's all." He punched his words, upset that she could so horribly misconstrue a simple question. "You want my opinion? Keep it long. It's much sexier long." He mentally kicked himself in the head. "You know," he added, "f-for a CO."

"Sorry," she sighed. "I just keep getting these sad looks and sympathetic questions from everyone I used to know. It's like they want to believe it's me, but can't… It's like they're waiting for the old me to appear, or maybe I died for good in their eyes and the new Shepard is just a fake."

Joker closed the distance between them.

"Look, I can't speak for the others, but there was never an old Shepard and a new Shepard. There's just Shepard, and, you know, you've practically reached god-dom, so I don't know why anyone was surprised when you came back from the dead…" He saw the amusement in her eyes from his joke and was pleased. "I mean, fake Shepard? That's kind of stretching it; it's not like you can really be copied. You can't be copied. Verner tried, remember? I mean… you're one of a kind, Shepard…"

Shepard's gaze bounced between his eyes for a few beats and her cheeks flushed soft red. Score one for team Joker. Remember this day, Shepard, because today… victory is mine.

"We're you always this tall, Joker?" she asked quietly. Wait, what? He grinned and leaned a little closer.

"Got a little used to looking down on me, did you?" His voice was quieter, huskier, but no less amused than normal.

"At," she corrected. "At you."

"Sure." He shrugged, still grinning. "I know you soldier types have some sort of high horse you ride around on, but just remember who pulls your ass out of the fire." He reached up to push her hair from her face. The side of his thumb brushed her cheek and she flinched away from him. He'd felt the scars from her reconstruction. Shit, he cursed. "Sorry."

"Its fine," she said quickly, turning back to the scanner.

"Do they hurt?"

"…A little," she admitted. "Only when I touch them. Dr. Chakwas said they should heal over time. Positive actions and emotions are supposed to help…" She smiled awkwardly when she flicked her eyes at him. "I'm not really sure how that works."

I don't know, either, he thought, but I have some ideas. He bent over onto the table and shifted his weight to his forearms, his green eyes glazing over as he escaped into his mind. He was exhausted, but he didn't want to leave. It wasn't often he got to spend time with Shepard alone and he wanted to take advantage of every second of it.

"Joker?" Shepard prompted him from his thoughts. "You should get some sleep. You look like hell."

"Thanks for that, not like I don't already have image issues." He smirked at her.

"I didn't mean it—"

"Chill, Commander, it was a joke." As he yawned, he mumbled, "I'm not ready to go to sleep."

She crossed her arms and perked one brow.

"Uh huh…"

He stood up and stretched, trying anything to keep himself awake. He really didn't want to go to sleep, and her trying to force him for his own good only made him feel worse about resisting.

"Joker, I need you in top condition. EDI can handle the Normandy while you get a few hours."

"Thanks, but I'm good. I swear."

"I'm serious, Joker."

"I am, too. I'm fine. I can handle whatever gets thrown our way." He was growing more agitated. Why did she have to keep insisting?

"There's nothing waiting for us, just go—"

"I don't want to go to sleep!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration. Shepard narrowed her gaze on him and took a few beats to process his outburst.

"What's the problem, Joker?" she asked cautiously. "Why are you resisting so hard?"

He rubbed his eyes and sighed, then lifted up his hat just enough to run a hand through his hair. He secured the cap back on his head. When he answered, he refused to look at her.

"I have nightmares…" he muttered.

"Nightmares? About what?"

"About you," he snapped, pressing his hands to the table to support his weight, head hung. "About losing you and the Normandy…"

Shepard flinched responsibly and inched toward him.

"I'm sorry…"

"No, I need to say this." He said firmly, still refusing her eye contact. "I thought… I thought I could save her. I couldn't lose her, she was my girl! The idea of it just… but when you were torn away from the pod, I thought my heart was going to stop."

Shepard reached out to touch him. Her fingertips pressed to his back and he flinched; she slid her palm across his shoulder blade and rested it there comfortingly.

"I see it every time I go to sleep—for two years now and it just won't stop. I keep trying to save you, but you're always too far out of reach…." He squinted his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I killed you. I wouldn't abandon the Normandy and I killed you—"

"Listen to me!" she interrupted him, pushing at his shoulder to turn him to face her. "I don't want to hear you say it ever again. The Collectors killed me—they are the ones to hold responsible. You? You saved me. You've saved me countless times, with your life on the line. You've always been there to pull me out of the fire—"

He grabbed her shoulders.

"Don't do that. Don't try to make me feel better."

"I'm not," she hissed. "Have you ever known me to do that?"

"Shepard, please… I need you to forgive me. I need to hear you say it out loud."

"For what?" she balked, searching his green gaze. "For saving me? For being there when no one else was?" She pulled out of his grasp and walked to the window to overlook the mass effect core. "I was scared…" she confessed as he stared awkwardly, confused. "I woke up from a bad dream in the middle of a firefight. Mechs storming the space station, an unfamiliar voice guiding me like she knew me, and faces of people I didn't know all crying, Shepard, Commander, save us."

Joker drew closer.

"I was in the hands of Cerberus—known enemy. I'd been dead for two years. My crew, my ship—all gone. The galaxy on the verge of another crisis and they wanted to send me to stop it. I wasn't even sure what my life had become—what the world was like—and they wanted to ship me off to battle. I—I was scared."

Shepard chewed the inside of her lip, brows creased in distress as she recalled her feelings that day.

"God, when I saw your face," Shepard continued, breathless a moment. "You anchored me when—" but she couldn't finish the statement. "I was terrified—I was alone, but there you were… smiling… and I was so relieved. I don't think I could've made it this far without you."

Joker fantasized about touching her right then—about grabbing her shoulders, wrapping his arms around her, and hugging her close. Her words caused his heart to thump crazily; a little bit more blood rushing to his head and he was sure he'd have the courage to tell her how he really felt.

"Even though it was just me?" he asked huskily, "and not the rest of the old crew?"

She half-turned and smiled.

"I didn't need anyone else," she replied, and he was positive he'd reached maximum capacity.

"You know, Commander," he started, voice wavering with lingering insecurities, but she interrupted him.

"Promise me you won't ever say anything like that again," she said. "What happened to me… the only one responsible for that is the Collectors."

He nodded.

"Yes, ma'am," he replied.

"Is it weird that I think of you as my best friend?" she asked hesitantly with a limbo-lost smile.

"Probably." He shrugged. "But you're mine, so guess that makes us even."

There was an awkward silence as Shepard went back to the planet scanner and he lost his nerve to confess. He rubbed the back of his neck, waiting for his brain to tell him what to say or do, but she happily intervened.

"Enough of this," she muttered, switching off the scanner. "Come on, let's get to bed."

"Aye, aye, Commander," he said happily, eagerly following her out of the tech lab and into the CIC. Once inside the elevator, Shepard punched level one, but Joker did not push the button for level three. "What?" was his response to her penetrating expression as the elevator began moving.

"I didn't mean together."

"What?" he blurted. "Commander, that's outrageous. How could you think I was even considering something so outlandish and extreme? I was merely escorting you to your door like a gentleman."

The doors opened up to her floor and she stepped out.

"Yeah, that sounds like you…" she muttered sarcastically. With a glance over her shoulder, she added, "Let me know if those dreams give you anymore problems."

He leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Why, Ms. Fix-It? You already stopped me from blaming myself. I don't see many other alternate solutions."

"I'll find a way…" she retorted with a grin.

"Right, Commander Shepard: the galactic problem solver."

"How about Saia Shepard: a friend?"

"Yeah… I can handle that," he replied quietly. She opened her door and disappeared inside.

"Good. Night, Joker," she called as the doors closed.

Joker exhaled a long-held breath, punched the button, and rode the elevator to the crew deck. He didn't even consider using a sleeper pod; he hadn't been able to confine himself in something so small since the Normandy blew and he was trapped in a pod watching Shepard get spaced. He went into the crew quarters, fumbling around in the dark, and found an empty bunk. He rolled into it without changing and buried his face under his hat.

Shepard had reminded him of something important. She was breakable. It would take a lot to break her, but it could still be done. She wasn't as invulnerable as everyone thought—as he'd thought. Sure, he saw her get spaced… but she came back from that adventure like she'd just gone on vacation. Sucking vacuum into the lungs and reentering planetary atmosphere were definitely on the list of things that destroyed a person. Shepard? She came out of it with a few scars and more pissed off than before.

But she almost cried when she told him he saved her. There was a part of her that was fragile, an Achilles' heel. She was breakable… just like him. And he would have to be careful with her.

"I'm so crazy about you," he whispered into the dark. He wanted to tell her to her face so badly, but he was afraid she'd only smile and thank him for his feelings then walk away.

"I appreciate the sentiment, Joker," Kelly replied from the bunk above him. Startled, he jerked his hat away from his face and saw the yeoman's head peeking over the side of her bed at him.

"Not you," he snapped and she giggled.

"Obviously. Who?"

"No one," he muttered, rolling over and putting his back to her.

"That's too bad. If you told me, I might be able to provide you with advice on how to proceed with your feelings. After all, it's my job to understand the emotions aboard this ship."

Joker stared into the darkness, honestly considering her proposal. After a moment, he pulled his hat back over his eyes.

"Just go to sleep," he mumbled. A few seconds later, he heard the yeoman retreat back into her covers.