Author note: Much to my dismay, I don't own anything in SM's Twilight universe

Thank you very much to those that have reviewed. It makes me really kinda giddy and shit! To those that are reading and not reviewing... I still want to thank you, but I'd also like to encourage you to write something. Reviews really do make me very happy and I really could use some of that right now.

Self-Esteem: Ch. 3 I Once was a Kindergarten Bride

Gym, well… Gym sucked. I got hit in the back of the head by a flying volleyball. I reared my head around to glare at whoever had done it, only to find a very, surprised and frightened freshman girl.

"OH MY GOD! I am sooooo, soooo, sorry!' she screeched with tears in her eyes. "Um… Bella. I didn't mean to hit you… it was an accident, I swear. I'm sorry. You believe me, right? If it will make you feel better, go ahead and spike the ball at me. I won't even duck. Just, please, don't be mad." My initial reaction was to smile and say it was just an accident, but I heard Jess & Lauren giggling and I knew they were expecting a show. I groaned internally. Being Bella the Bitch was sometimes a lot of work.

"You need to watch what you're doing freshman " I said through clenched teeth "you know one word from me and your next four years at this institution will be a living hell." I sneered and flung the ball at the cowering girl, internally cringing as I heard it thwap against her bare leg. I could hear the minions snickering as I quickly walked to the locker room.

After changing, I head toward the doors, only throwing a slight wave to Jess & Lauren on the way out. Between what happened in Gym and what was going to happen tonight, I was in no mood to talk to either of them. I felt stretched tighter than a rubber band. Living two lives was definitely getting the best of me. But what else can I do? I can't give him up… I've tried… repeatedly… but something about him just won't let me stop. And there is no way I can give up Bella the Bitch. She's how I have survived the cesspool that is high school. Without her what would I be? Just plain old Bella and I refuse to go back to that. I turn on the radio in my truck and sing the lyrics to my favorite Breaking Benjamin song to drown out my thoughts, thankfully by the time I pull into the driveway, I have managed to successfully push my prior train of thought into the depths of my mind.

I walk through the house to the small kitchen and drop my bag on the table. I smile a little as I hear Charlie fiddling with the DVR. He works a revolving shift, one-week days, one-week afternoons, one-week overnights and repeat. Tonight was his first overnight shift. As chief, it is within his rights to work the day shift exclusively, but this is a small town, and he refuses to make his guys do anything he won't do himself.

"Hey, dad. Whatcha doing?" I ask taking in the frustration on his face.

"Hey, Bells. I'm trying to watch the game I recorded on this DVR thing last night, but its giving me trouble. Why can't we just use a VCR?" I have to laugh, but I show him how to get to his precious game. "Thanks. What's for dinner?" I shake my head at him good-naturedly. "I mean, how was your day? Do you have a lot of homework? Oh, and by the way, what's for dinner?" He says teasingly.

"Baked Ziti, but I do actually have a lot of homework, so Prego makes the sauce tonight, not little old me."

He absently mutters "Sounds good, Bells" as he turns back to the flat-screen. I roll my eyes. He may not know exactly how to use the 'DVR thing', he may mostly use his department laptop as a paperweight, and he may think twitter is a bright, yellow bird, but we have a 60-inch high-def Sony with surround sound in the living room. Oh well.

I grab an apple and flip open my Calc book to get started. I'm pretty much done 45 minutes later when I need to start dinner. Baked Ziti is great, boil the pasta, throw on some sauce, toss together with cheese, pop in the oven for a while, and presto. I throw a bag of pre-made salad into a bowl and call it done. After dishing up a couple of plates, I call Charlie in. He grabs his plate with a distracted 'thanks' and goes to sit in front of the tube. Sighing, I pick up the novel we are reading in AP English and dig in, too. After dinner, I do the dishes and finish my homework while Charlie gets ready for work. I go about nightly routine, making sure Charlie is aware I'm getting ready for bed. I grab a book and hop into bed.

"Night, Bells. I'll see you when you get home from school tomorrow. Have a good night. Call if you need anything. Love you, kid."

"Night, dad, be safe"

"Always am"

I listen for the telltale sound of his cruiser leaving the driveway before texting him.

?- B

I wait for his response, trying to seem cool and collected, I'm not sure why. I'm the only one here and I already know I've gotten in too far.

8-) -E

A large smile breaks across my face. How the fuck did I get myself into this? Oh, right, the summer…

"Thanks for dropping me at Jakes dad." I stated stepping out of the passenger side of his cruiser.

"You're sure you'll be OK? I know I leave you alone too much, but you must be getting pretty desperate to voluntarily spend the night at the Black's, Jacob always seem to get under your skin after a time… You are sleeping on the couch, right?" His voice raised almost an octave and his eyebrows shot up to his hairline as he spoke the last line.

"Yeah, dad. It's Jake. Of course it's just the couch. Don't worry, Billy will be there." Maybe, he'll make Jake give me the bed… I know he won't offer it to me himself. I swear, just because we've been friends since diapers, doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate a little gentlemanly behavior. I snorted thinking of Jacob and gentlemanly anything in the same sentence. "Good night. Please be careful."

"You know I always am. OK. If you're sure then have a good night and be good. Call if you need anything." I closed the passenger side door and he turned the car around and headed back to town.

Just then, Jake pushed the front door of his small 2-bedroom ranch open. "Hey, Bells." He managed through his yawn, stretching as if he had just gotten up. I rolled my eyes. It was 3pm.

"When did you get up?"

"Which time?'

"The last time"

"Um. When I heard your dad's car in the driveway" He shrugged and smiled sheepishly. "It's the first day of summer vacation. I'm catching up on a whole school year's worth of not sleeping in on weekdays. Plus I wanted to be well rested for tonight. This is always the party of the year. Who knows what'll happen!" He waggles his eyebrows at me and I roll my eyes.

Jake was a little less than a year younger than me and a year behind in school. He's barely 16, although he sure doesn't look 16. He's 6'5 with beautiful russet colored skin and shoulder length jet-black hair; a smile so warm and brilliant that it could melt ice with a personality to match. It's really too bad that I couldn't see him as anything but a brother- much to his dismay.

"You ready for tonight?" He said.

"I guess so. Hey, maybe you can finally find yourself a chica of your very own. What do you think? Is tonight the night you I lose you to another woman?" I asked dramatically putting my hands over my heart, trying not to let the hope sneak through. I was well aware of Jake's feelings for me. I knew he just needed someone else to fixate on.

He scowled and replied with forced sarcasm "You know you're the only woman for me."

"Yeah, right." I responded with a playful slap to his chest. "You ready? Lets head down to the beach to stake a claim on a good spot."

"OK. I'll grab a couple of towels and a blanket and we can go on down."

Thirty minutes later, we were arriving at the beach and everything was still being set up. The band – really just a couple of Quileute boys messing around with instruments- was still in set up mode and there were only a few others around. We set up the blanket close enough to the fire pit to feel the heat, but far enough away not to get singed by it. As soon as the kegs were in place Jake jumped up to grab us a couple of beers. After a couple of hours, Jess & Lauren dropped by to gossip about hot guys and bitch about everyone else before taking off with some of the boys in the band for who knows where. The rest of the night went just like that: Jake got the drinks, people stopped by to chat or gossip and I laid on the blanket drinking, my head pleasantly fuzzy as I stared at the sky.

It was getting pretty late, and I was ready to get going, but Jake was talking to some girl over by the rapidly emptying keg- and I so did not want to interrupt that. And Jess & Lauren were off doing something… or someone. So I decided to take a walk to clear my head. My head spun as I stood up "Whoa. Head rush" I stumbled a little and put my hands out to steady myself. I probably shouldn't have gotten up so fast. But I did manage to stay on my feet, so I trudged down the beach for a little night air, trying to stay focused on keeping myself upright. Left, right, stumble… left, right, stumble and repeat when I heard Jake run up behind me. He threw his arms around my waist, spun me around and planted me on with a thud, right on the wet sand; his body landing half on me, half on the beach. "Hey! What the fuck are you doing?"

"Just goofing around. I didn't want you to wander off by yourself. You never know what's gonna getcha." He smiled.

"OK. Fine. Thanks, I guess. Just get off me now." I tried to push his body completely off mine, but he was a dead weight. He turned is face down toward mine and looked at me seriously. Uh-Oh!

"Bella, baby. You know I love you. I've loved you my whole life. Just let this happen. You know it will, stop fighting it. I want you so bad" I heard him talking but he sounded muffled, as if speaking through a paper bag. Wait… did he just call me baby! Fuck Me!

"No, Jake. We're friends. Just Friends! And we're drunk. This would be a mistake. Just back off. It's not gonna happen. Ever." I said while trying to shove his big chest off me with both hands. And when I looked in his eyes and saw the look of determination there, even through my alcohol-induced haze I knew he was going lean in and kiss me. I managed to turn my head to the side so that his lips landed on my cheek instead.

All of a sudden, I felt myself being pulled out from under him and held against a very firm, male, body. I probably should have been concerned, but I was too upset and drunk to care. I kept my eyes on the sand trying to focus on not throwing-up all over this nice smelling boy.

I heard a melodious voice next to me say "I think she said 'No' If you really love her, if you're really her friend, then just let it be. Talk to her when you're both sober" I think I heard Jake mumble something, but by the time it registered I was being walked up the beach toward the parking lot and settled into the passenger seat of a very nice looking car.

"Do you have a ride home?" My rescuer asked.

"No. Dad's at work. Was gonna crash with Jake or Jess."

"Well, Jake will most likely be sleeping it off on the beach tonight. Where is Jessica?"

"Dunno. Think she left with that skank Lauren and a couple of boys from the Rez."

I heard him sigh in frustration."Was she expecting you?"

"Nuh-uh. Came with Jake."

"OK. I'll call your dad."

That woke me up a little "NO. No. no." I shook my head for emphasis. "You cannot call my dad. If you do, he will ground me for the entire summer, bust up the party and I'll be a pariah for the rest of my existence in this horrible little town. Can't I just stay with you…" it was then I realized I had no idea who I was even talking to. Apparently, I have the situational awareness of a gnat when I drink. So I finally looked up into his eyes"… Edward." I turned my best smile on him. I had nowhere else to go and I knew I would be safe with him. I'd known him since kindergarten, even if we hadn't really talked in a couple of years. I knew him. We'd gotten married in kindergarten for fuck's sak! He then tried to tell me it wasn't a good idea, so I gave him my best pout and matched it with pleading eyes." Please, Edward. I'll sleep on the floor in your room. I'll be really quiet and I promise, no one will find out. shhhhh" I put my fingers to my mouth to emphasize my intended silence.

I watched him battle with himself for a few seconds before rewarding me with a crooked smile "OK. I think I can work something out. Let me just find my brother and sister and we'll go home. Just stay here. Alright?" Before walking away he turned back and said "Oh, and if you feel the need to… you know… either lean out the door or use the plastic bucket by your feet." I nodded to him in understanding and rested my head on the back of the seat. After who knows how long, I felt a soft warm hand on my face. I smiled knowing it was Edward. I knew he still had a thing for me.

The next thing I knew I was laying in the middle of a big bed. It was still very dark, and at first, I wasn't sure where I was. I started looking around for something familiar until I saw the head full of messy, bronze hair on the arm of the couch. Ohhh, right. Edward. I took in my surroundings and realized this wasn't the same room he had as a kid. I think it used to be Carlisle and Esme's room. Huh. As my eyes adjusted, I could see that there was a bathroom in the room. Thank, God! I really had to go. I got up and ran into the bathroom closing the door as quietly as possible so as not to wake him up. However, when I came out, he was sitting up on the couch, awake…

I shake myself out of the memory and get ready to leave. I looked at the time. Damn. Only 11:45pm. I can't be on time. He has to believe that he is just a means to an end. That I can walk away at any time. I sit on the stairs bouncing my knees until midnight and sneak out the back door to the woods. I uncover the old dirt bike I had "appropriated" from Jake and walk down the block before kicking it to life. I have to keep to smaller side roads and dirt roads so as not to be seen, but at least if dad or one of the deputies drives by the house, my truck is still there and nothing will look out of place.

The 20-minute ride to Edward's house is nice. I like being out alone late at night, especially on the bike. It's peaceful somehow. I turn the engine off at the dirt-road turn in and walk quietly up to the house. I carefully climb the tree flanking the balcony and swing my legs over the railing, landing as lightly as possible. He notices me and the look in his bright, green eyes makes me feel I might melt away. As I stalk closer to him I repeat the mantra in my head… this is just a convenient arrangement… this is only physical…. This is just a convenient arrangement…. God he's gorgeous – Stop! This is just a convenient arrangement…

Things are getting pretty busy for me, but I'm slowly plugging away. the next chapter is written and just needs to be edited. Again, I'll try to get it out next week. Let me know what you thought of the chapter!