Christian had lost interest in most things since the wedding day. He usually took such pride in himself and his appearance but it had been the last thing he cared about lately. He hadn't shaved for days. He'd worn the same clothes for about the last week and was pretty sure he wasn't smelling too fresh these days either. What had it mattered though? He'd had no one to impress, and no business clients to charm, Zainab had made sure that door was closed to him too. Apart from Jane checking up on him a couple of times when he hadn't turned up at the unit in those first few days, and a couple of concerned phone calls from Lucy, no one had come near. He'd been out, but only three times, the furthest he'd got being to the new business venture he and Jane were trying to set up and one quick coffee with Roxy in the café. She'd actually had quite a sobering effect on him as he sat beside her. Who was he to sit there looking a state, like he was the one with the worst problems in the world when she was bravely carrying on like a trouper despite having just lost her dad? He'd felt so ashamed that when she asked him how he'd been he felt it inappropriate to burden her with his troubles as she battled with her own grief.
He looked in the mirror that morning and had a quiet chuckle to himself. Look at the bloody state of me! He realised now what everyone else saw. He'd become a bit of a shadow of his former self since that dreaded day, the day he didn't even like thinking about, when his world had come crashing down around him. He'd lost weight and looked gaunt, pale and exhausted. Jane had kept telling him he had to get over himself and things had to go back to 'normal' whatever the hell normal now was. For him, normal had become him and Syed together, alone in his flat, just talking, being together, knowing each other inside and out. Now that had gone.
He'd tried to put on a happy front but obviously that hadn't fooled people. Jane had overheard some sideways comments, others had taken her aside for 'a quiet word' to ask if her brother was ok. She'd spoken to him about it, but he hadn't given a damn. The last three weeks his life had felt pointless and empty anyway, what were the comments of a few nobodies? His life had been moving on autopilot and he'd been merely existing, not really living. Everywhere he went, reminders of Syed were evoked, and the knots those feelings induced in his stomach were the one reminder that he was still capable of feeling anything without Syed in his life. As much as he disliked being reminded of these feelings, at the same time he needed to feel them for his own sanity.
But he decided that today was the day he should start sorting himself out. The new business wouldn't even get off the ground if this was the best effort he could muster. Jane wasn't managing, that was clear. She'd said he was the one with the natural charm and charisma, the instinct that meant Masala Queen clients had been putty in his hands. She needed him to find that aspect of himself again. As he straightened himself up, put on some decent clothes, sorted his hair, and shaved his stubbly face, he reasoned that if he didn't start having some self-respect again, how could he expect anyone else to respect him? Today of all days there was another reason why this was important, especially if the rumours Jane had overheard in the café were true. She hadn't been in contact with Zainab since hearing the awful things she'd said and done to Christian at the wedding and afterwards, but was sure she'd overheard Tamwar in the café telling Jay that today was the day they were back from honeymoon. The one and only person he wanted and needed respect from should be back today. If ever there was a reason to get up and out, today was it. He splashed himself with his lover's favourite aftershave as he left the flat for only the fourth time this year with a newfound glint of confidence.
Christian knew he'd made the right choices on the wedding day, however much those choices had broken him. He'd come so close to doing many things that day. He'd been so full of anger on the morning of the wedding, he could have willingly 'outed' Syed in front of everyone who meant anything to him. He'd aggressively told Jane that he was a coward. How little he knew. He later realised that, if anything, Syed was the hero. He would sacrifice himself, and his own happiness, every time and at all costs, for the love and preservation of everyone else. Christian had come to a calm realisation that day that if he forced Syed into revealing all now for his own selfish reasons, he'd lost him anyway, he was sure of that. There would be no way back for them if he were to reveal Syed's secret.
Then he'd had the choice to get away from here, to take the easy option Jane had set up, as she'd desperately worked to stop him derailing the wedding. Miami certainly had its appeal, and was clearly the easiest option, the path of least resistance. His bags were packed, his ticket booked and his mind made up. He was so tired of the constant battle between maintaining his own dignity while trying in vain to make Syed admit to himself who he was and to see that he would always be there for him if he chose him. If by now Syed still felt unable to fight for him and would let him walk away, he couldn't hang around watching him play happy families with Amira for the rest of his life.
But his resolve hadn't lasted long. It was the look on Syed's face as they parted for the final time that had done it. The love for him that Christian had finally truly seen in the young man's eyes. Those eyes that pierced Christian's soul as Syed despondently searched him for that comforting reassurance that he knew only Christian could give him. Syed's sorrow showed. After all they'd been through to get to this moment, he found himself married, his heart empty and Christian alone. His calm reassurance that "it's all ok" even though he knew it wasn't had killed him to say, but he knew it had been what Syed needed to hear to move on. The realisation that he'd broken both of them with his choice, but that he'd not lost Christian's love. He'd let him go now because he had to, but sure in the knowledge that Syed's love for him was unchanged. He'd let him go because he loved him. In that instant both men had managed to convey wholeheartedly everything they felt for each other and always would. Syed truly loved Christian the way he loved him, and that had to be enough for him.
An empty and destroyed man had stood before him that day, and as he walked away Christian only then appreciated how much Syed had had at stake, what he stood to lose no matter what decision he took. He knew there and then that he just wasn't ready or able to walk out of Syed's life for good. As he walked away from him at the hotel, he promised himself that he'd never leave Syed alone to face the future. He'd always be here, whenever he needed him. And ultimately that meant being in Walford, however hard that might be, ready to rescue him when undoubtedly, at some time in the future, he would fall. He would need him from now on, more than ever.
The words had tumbled out of his mouth with such ease and resolve as he'd climbed heartbroken into the cab.
"Albert Square, Walford".
Ever since the confessions of Syed's wedding day, Zainab's bitterness and denial had gone into overdrive. Her barbed comments were petty and scared at best, spiteful and cruel at worst. He couldn't look at her, but didn't have to to feel the emptiness behind the countless exaggerated honeymoon stories. I mean, the very fact that a deliriously happy couple on their honeymoon have nothing better to do than check in with their parents every day is worrying in itself. He was sure Syed would be having an okay time, after all Amira was a lovely and beautiful girl, but he knew in his heart of hearts that all this overzealous gushing on Zainab's part was purely for his benefit. When she started, Christian would shut her out by closing his eyes, entering his own little world and reminding himself of Syed's wedding day confession:
"I'm gay….and I love you"
But while his head and heart knew the root of Zainab's ramblings, it didn't make it any easier to come into work and take an emotional battering day in, day out, knowing what she thought of him. Well, he thought, not so much him, he'd been dealing with narrow-minded people for long enough not to allow them to get him down. However, after Zainab's tirade towards him on the wedding day, he'd felt heartbroken for Syed that the mother who claimed to know him so well and love him so much could be so ashamed by a part of him that makes him who he is.
Today, he conceded as he walked across the square, would be one of the most wonderful and painful experiences of his life if it were true. Since he'd met this man, they'd seen each other most days, shared so much. These three weeks apart with not a single contact from Syed had almost killed him, and that first sighting of him would feel absolutely electric he was sure. He could almost feel his body respond in anticipation of that first sighting of him. But he'd be forced to stand aside as the seemingly perfect golden couple were welcomed back by friends and family, their whole lives in front of them, sharing the life that he felt bitterly he and Syed had been robbed of. He'd have to witness Syed looking at her the way he should be looking at him. That agony would be bearable though in contrast to how things could have been if he'd decided to stay away, resigning himself to a life of perhaps never seeing him again. No, now he didn't know how he could have ever contemplated a life that didn't have Syed in it, in whatever way that was going to be possible. He would be near him and that would have to be enough for now.
He knew that from the moment Syed returned, Zainab would be watching his every move like a hawk, desperately trying to ensure that her poor innocent boy didn't succumb once again to Christian's "predatory" pursuit of him, his "perverted obsession". He knew that he'd have to be careful. Yes, he needed Syed to know that he was there for him, but he needed him also to understand that things could be different this time. That of course his heart had ached for him every minute since they were together, but that he had accepted how things were and there would be no pressure, no chasing, no demands. He wanted him to know that ultimately he could be a friend, the person Syed could turn to when he thought he might fall. After all, that's where this started, they were friends before they were lovers, and that's what Syed would need. Nothing that would complicate his already impossible situation. Yes, he steeled himself. I can do this. That was enough for now. Well no, he reasoned, it would never be enough, but it was all that it could be, for now anyway. He would never give up on him.
He just needed a way to make Syed aware of this, without alerting suspicion. As far as Christian knew, Syed was in for a shock that he was still around. Christian had already prepared himself for what he would do, say, when he accidentally bumped into him in the square, the Minute Mart, the launderette. But Syed would have presumed that he had left the wedding with his bag that night as planned for pastures new, thinking that the one saving grace of returning home from honeymoon would be not having to see his face everywhere he went. Boy was he in for a shock. In time, a good shock, Christian hoped.
Christian didn't know if they had arrived home yet. He'd been at the business a few hours now and achieved virtually nothing, too busy keeping one eye on proceedings out the windows, and going for regular breaks trying not to miss a glimpse of him. He'd been trying to keep his mind on the job but failing miserably. Today, concentration was especially important as he attempted to get his head around the procedures for managing the business's finances. Probably not the best day, he thought, to be trying to give this my undivided attention.
At Masala Queen everything to do with finance had been his stumbling block. He just didn't really get it, and he and Syed would often joke about his lack of business savvy. Sure, like Jane said, he had the charm and charisma down to a tea, but he was much more about the hands on, and left the business strategy to the others. Much more of a doer than a thinker, Syed had said cheekily one Sunday afternoon not so long ago when they had met there under the pretence of 'catching up with paperwork' after a hectic week of evening dinners and functions. With everyone else accounted for, what with Amira shopping and Zainab under the weather and resting at home with Masood on call, it had been the perfect chance to spend some quality time together alone.
He remembered that day fondly as it was one of those rare times where he saw the real Syed unleashed, the man confident with his sexuality and with the physical aspects of their relationship. When no one else was around, Syed was different, unreserved, uninhibited and outgoing. It melted Christian's heart when Syed felt free to flash his gorgeous smile honestly like he had that day, as he teased Christian affectionately, tickling his sides and ribs playfully. He loved how beautiful Syed looked when he felt relaxed, carefree and unthreatened, and had often wished it could be like that more often when they were together. It was so often a glance here, a touch there, being careful not to let the "straight" mask slip in public. What he would have given to have been able to hold their heads up high in public, and do normal things like hold each other's hands, stroke each other's faces, whisper in each other's ears. Just like any normal couple, just for a while.
He closed his eyes and blushed to himself as he remembered how persistent and dominant Syed's seduction of him had been that day, the door tightly locked with no one coming by. How he had taken charge and consumed all of him before they had even moved beyond the kitchen. It had been dominant, but also beautiful and tender, just like it always was when Syed made love to him. First the light tender kisses in all the spots Syed had found and remembered so well, had him calling out in ecstasy. His hands, neck, shoulders, cheeks. Christian would never forget how he tasted, or how his strong, soft hands explored his body urgently as they moved lower and lower, removing each piece of clothing in turn. Button by button he had lost his shirt as Syed's wet lips hungered for him, tracing every contour of his chest, stomach and naval. Christian had felt his body respond instinctively to each and every touch as Syed's hands traced over his back. As he pressed him urgently up against the cold metal fridge, and their lips found each other's again, the contrast of the icy coldness and Syed's warm gentle touch to his body sent Christian's senses into a frenzy and he was ready for him there and then. Never before had he responded so quickly to another man's touch, he was usually the one slowing things down for the benefit of his partner, but Syed had an unexplainable effect on him. Syed had removed his bulging trousers and boxers expertly, never allowing their lips to part from each other. They kissed hungrily, and they made love, slow and beautiful but deep and passionate, and Christian couldn't remember having ever felt more in sync with anybody. Right then he hadn't needed anybody else in the world.
Feeling himself becoming aroused at the very thought of Syed, Christian brought himself back to earth with a slap across both cheeks. For God's sake, get a grip man! How could he get from budgets to yet more images of sex with Syed. He was totally obsessed and it wasn't healthy. Thoughts of him infiltrated every moment of every day in so many ways.
He hadn't even noticed the time passing. It was gone six now and time to call his wildly productive day to a close. Any more "work" was pointless, as he'd spent more time at the window than at his desk, so he decided to lock up and head home, exhausted. But as he reached his flat and turned the key to enter he heard two familiar voices that would stop him dead in his tracks.
"Oh my God, great to see you girl! How was the honeymoon?"
"I'm telling you Chels, it was totally extra! Absolutely mindblowing!"
He rushed inside before he could be seen and slumped down against the door, clutching his heart. This was it! They were back. He thought he knew this feeling, thought he'd felt it the whole time they were away. But now he knew he was near, he realized those feelings he'd had for the past three weeks didn't even compare to how he felt now. Knowing he was so close, he didn't even need to see, hear or feel him for the fire to once again intensify inside of him and his body react to his need for him. But she had said it was "absolutely mindblowing"? Had he really needed to hear that?
He'd been sitting in the middle of the square for what seemed like hours in the bitter cold, snow all around him and a bitter wind whistling. But he was almost immune to their effects, sitting wrapped up against the elements, one man on his mind. He didn't want to make himself obvious, but the sub zero temperatures had sent many people indoors early so he felt safe in the quiet.
They'd often done this in the weeks and months before the wedding. Their way of saying goodnight if Sy had been unable to find another excuse to get away from the house for a few minutes or hours to come to him. He would sit, out of view of the rest of the house but in full view of Syed's upper floor bedroom window. He sat patiently, unsure if he'd remember. So much had been said and done. Or maybe they'd moved rooms now they were…sharing a bed. He recoiled at the thought. No, they were no doubt indoors regaling Zainab, Masood and Tamwar with exciting tales of the Indian Ocean resort they'd been to on honeymoon. Whether he believed it or not, he knew Syed would have to go through those motions to keep up the pretence, if not now for Zainab then for his new wife and the others in his family.
As he got himself ready to up and leave, heading home resigned to the fact that he wouldn't see him tonight, he saw the familiar sight of the light go on in the room. He looked away, and huddled his neck into his coat, just in case it wasn't him. The light going on had always been Syed's sign to him that he was ready before it was switched off again to allow Syed to see Christian's full profile against the dark night. But he couldn't yet be sure that tonight it was Syed. He'd need to get used to that. But if it was Amira, he knew that from that distance, if anybody else looked out, he might've been anybody if he didn't draw attention to himself. After a couple of minutes, he saw that the curtains had moved slightly from the lights he saw dancing within. As those familiar eyes appeared at the window, Christian heard his heart thump, quicker and quicker in his chest, beating against the tightness of his coat. It was as though in the last three weeks his mind had diluted the extent of his beauty, but once again he knew there was no doubt. He had never before and would never again know another person of such stunning beauty, inside and out. He remembered everything once again, how stunning he was, everything they'd had, and everything they'd shared and he felt his body tightening yet again. Even with the slight distance between them, he remembered again how this man made him feel. Syed didn't meet his gaze straight away. But when he did, he knew. He knew this time away had changed nothing of how Syed felt for him. Or he for Syed. If there were ever any doubts, they were settled there and then. Their hearts still belonged to each other. Christian put his fingers to his lips and reached them out in a gesture to Syed as he always did, hoping that he caught his kiss.
I'm here for you, Syed. I love you. And I always will.