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Ch. 03 - Confessions

-Clara-

I pushed him away immediately. I didn't even know what I should do. His extreme confident look was gone and for the first time since I met him I could see him vulnerable, rejection all over his face. I hated him for confusing me. One time he's calling me manly and roundish, and the other he was saying I'm beautiful and kissing me. I hated him for making it impossible for me to figure him out. And last but not least I hated myself for betraying Danny. I felt like shit. The Doctor stayed there staring at me almost pleading with his eyes for me not to reject him. I ran my hand on his cheek and shook my head, my eyes full of tears.

"I'm sorry." I said running away. I swam away from him crying. I could see he was broken inside but I couldn't do that to Danny.

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The Doctor and I didn't even looked into each other's eyes till after dinner when I started to make the couch as my bed.

"Clara." He said and I continued doing what I was doing.

"Yeah?" I felt him getting closer.

"Look at me, please?" I turned around and he was right in front of me.

"What?" He shook his head.

"You can take the bed, I'll sleep here in the couch tonight." There, he got me again. I wasn't expecting that.

"Nonsense Doctor, you're way taller than me and... well, you're older too. I know me, my manly curves and my round hips will fit better in the couch than you." He looked down.

"I never said they were a bad thing. And I insist in sleeping on the couch, please take the bed." I saw there was no gain in arguing so I nodded and went to the bed. He smiled lightly and said goodnight.

About twenty minutes later I saw the Doctor twisting and turning on the couch, he was having a nightmare.

"I'm sorry River, I'm so sorry." He was pleading. I got up and kneeled beside him.

"Doctor?" He jumped opening his eyes, he seemed confused, I ran my hand on his back to calm him down. "Shhh, it's okay. It was just a bad dream." He shook his head letting tears slip from his blue grayish eyes.

"I-i-it's w-was my f-fault." I was the one confused now. Didn't his wife die during labor? How could that be his fault? I was still processing what was going on when he held me tight and hid his face on my neck.

"Take a deep breath, honey." I ran my fingers on his gray hair and he started to calm down a bit. When he was able to talk he looked me in the eyes.

"I'm a monster Clara." My eyes widened.

"Why? I know you can be rude but that doesn't make you a monster. You're a wonderful father, the girls are crazy about you." He shook his head.

"River, she died because of me. Me, a doctor, couldn't save her." I held his hand and intertwined our fingers.

"Don't say that, she died during labor, didn't she?" He nodded and I could see tears in his eyes again.

"Her water broke when we were arguing. I got an anonymous video of her cheating on me with one of her college students and that killed me. I got so mad that I yelled at her demanding to know if Beth was really mine and at that moment her water broke. Of course, I took her to the hospital immediately and I went to the delivery room with her. Her BP got high as a kite and they couldn't save her. I was there holding her hand and I couldn't save her." He was so broken that it brought tears to my eyes.

"Still, it was not your fault. You need to forgive yourself and move on. You deserve to be happy, I know you don't want to be alone. But you're scared, aren't you?" He looked away.

"Oh Clara, my Clara, it's so complicated. Beth is my daughter though, I made the DNA test." I shivered to hear him calling me HIS Clara, still I knew I could only think about him as mine when we were back home and I'd broken up with Danny. Yes, I was gonna do that, he deserves so much better than to be lied to.

"Come back to bed 'cause we need to sleep, tomorrow we'll spend the day at the water park." He didn't argue this time and we both laid down on the bed. He held me tight around the waist spooning with me. And, hell, that felt good.

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I woke up with the Doctor running his hand on my stomach under my shirt. I could feel he was hard on my butt, and damn, he felt huge. He noticed I was awake and held me tight to him.

"Morning Miss Oswald!" He said nibbling on my neck. I turned to him smiling. I knew I shouldn't be smiling but I couldn't help myself.

"Morning!" Before I could move he grabbed my hips and pressed our bodies together locking our lips. I froze. He slowly licked my lips and I tried to back away.

"Please love, just a kiss." I looked deep into his eyes and I felt overwhelmed by the care I saw there.

"I can't, not until I break up with Danny. I feel really bad for betraying him. I mean, we haven't done anything but just by sleeping in the same bed as you is a betrayal of his trust." He ran his thumb on my cheek.

"I know this is the part where I push you away because deep down inside I know being with Danny is better for you, but I guess I'm a selfish old man." I giggled and he ran his fingers on my lips. "Do you have any idea of how scared I am? You're 29 years younger than me. And I haven't had anyone serious since River passed." I smiled shyly at him.

"I'm scared too. I've never felt this way before, I feel like all I need is to be with you. You're on my mind 24/7! And you're my boss, you're older, I can list other thousand reasons of why I shouldn't feel like this, but I do. It's so strong that it hurts inside." I couldn't believe I just confessed this to him. He held me tight and breathed me in.

"You have no idea how much I care for you. How much I want you." I shivered, he kissed my forehead and excused himself for a shower. When he got up I could see the outline of his hard member, my mouth watered but I knew I couldn't act on it, not now.

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The Doctor was having fun with Beth inside the wave pool. I had no idea where Annie and Tom were, so kept there watching them playing. Amy was laying beside me on a tan chair, I could see she was getting reddish.

"Amy, put some sunscreen on or you'll regret later." She glared at me sitting down.

"You know what Clara? You're not my mom!" That took me by surprise. Why was she raging on me?

"I know that Amy. I just wanted to let you know you're getting a sun burn."

"You're not gonna replace my mom." I was so confused, where did all of this come from?

"No one's ever gonna replace your mom. You see, I lost my dad when I was 10, no one ever replaced him even though my mom got married again and my step-father was the best "dad" I could've asked for, always keeping the memory of my real dad intact. He died when I was in College though." She rolled her eyes.

"Oh, you got dad issues, that's why you're getting closer to my father?" Oh, she was jealous.

"Amy, your father is a lovely man and for everything I saw in these two months he's an amazing dad. Do you think it's fair on him to be alone for the rest of his life? No matter who comes into it, you, Annie and Beth will always come first." She looked away.

"Do you really like him? Because I can see he really likes you and I don't wanna see him as broken as he was when mom passed. And that's the way he'll be if you reject him. In those 8 years I've never seen dad interested in anyone and then you came. His behavior changed completely, not with us, but with you. He's always been rude to all the nannies we've had before and with you he seems happy. But you still have a boyfriend back home, you need to decide or you'll break dad in pieces. I'm just warning you that I'm aware of what's happening between you two." I was frozen in place, how could I respond to that? She noticed I wasn't going to say anything so she just handed me the sunscreen bottle and turned her back to me. I applied it to her back and then got up to wander around.

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After we all had lunch I decided to go to the pool for a while, the Doctor said it was okay, that he'd take care of Beth. I could see his stare at me even when I was swimming.

"CLARA!" I heard someone screaming, I turned my head and saw Jack Harkness, he was my best friend when we were in school. He ran to me and hugged me tight spinning me around.

"Jack! How have you been?" I asked smiling. He put me down and smiled.

"I've been alright cutie! You grew up to make any man drool hun?" I blushed and was about to answer him when I felt someone hugging me from behind. John.

"Clara?" He asked me and I looked at him just moving my neck.

"John, this is Jack my best friend from school. I haven't seen him in years. Jack this is my..." I had no idea how to introduce him, he was my boss, but he was hugging in a intimal way for me to say that. "John, this is my John even though everyone calls him Doctor." Jack nodded and offered him his hand, the Doctor shook it and smirked at me.

"I just came here to let you know that Amy wants to go to a crazy water ride and Annie said no fucking way, that were her exact words. So, she wants to know if you wanna go with her because she doesn't want to go alone." I giggled.

"I'll go with her, just give me a minute to talk to Jack, okay?" He nodded and pecked my lips. Oh that jealous old man.

As soon as he walked away Jack smirked at me.

"Husband, boyfriend or lover?" He asked and I blushed.

"Well, it's so complicated, but he's my kinda boyfriend." He laughed and noticed that I didn't want to talk about that. He was at the same hotel as us, so we agreed to meet later and exchange numbers.

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Two days later we were getting ready to leave Bora Bora and go to the girls' grandma house. I was afraid of what she would think of me, I know her approval would mean the world to the Doctor. Speaking of him it was getting harder and harder to resist. He was clearly seducing me.

"Love?" He said but I was lost in thoughts and I was so not used to have him calling me that. Since we met Jack he started calling me love when we were alone. I still had to find a nickname for him. Doctor was too formal, and he didn't look like John. "Clara?" He called again and I looked at him.

"Yes?"

"Have you been talking to Danny since we arrived here?" I looked down and didn't said a thing. "Clara?" I looked at him and saw panic in his eyes. I handed him my phone and showed him the messages we exchanged. It was nothing much, and it didn't have one I love you from my part. He took a deep breath and threw my phone on the bed.

"Doctor?" I was scared. He came to me and pinned me on the wall.

"Why didn't you tell him you'll have to talk to him when you're back home?" He gave me his cold glare.

"It'd only make him suffer. We'll be home in two weeks and then I promise first thing I'll do is break up with him." He held both my arms in his hand and he put the other inside my pajama pants and knickers. I blushed deep red, yes, I was wet for him.

"Clara, Clara, Clara... Such an angelic face to such a naughty mind." He ran his thumb on my clit and teased my entrance with another finger. "You're impossible Clara, you're my impossible girl." He let go of me and took his hand away. I whimpered.

"You are such a tease! I hate you!" I yelled playfully at him.

"Oh, you do?" He said getting closer to me again, picking me up in his arms and throwing me to bed. He laid down beside me laughing. "Then I hate you too." He stick his tongue out for me. we both laughed and he held me tight. "Thank you Clara." I looked at him confused.

"For?" He pecked my lips.

"For making me feel young. For making me feel alive after all this time." That brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't hold it any longer, so I kissed him. With all my heart.

to be continued.