Toilet

A/N: Thank all you guys who reviewed this time. It made me feel very happy. Ok, this note is going to be kind of long as it's sort of an explanation for this story. As you all know by now (or you should), this is a parody of the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer. "Toilet" will not be the only parody of the saga I will be writing. In order, they will be titled "Toilet", "Full Moon", "Esnips", and "Breaking Wind". Chapters will be slowing down from now on, mainly due to the fact that I have school, practice, etc. Thank you for your time. Any questions/requests, just put them in a review and I'll either e-mail you or answer them in an AN.

Chapter 3 (AKA, the chapter I've really been waiting to write(muhahahahahaha))

I woke up and got out of bed. As I changed, I was thinking about Edward. He finally talked to me! The very thought of his illustrious voice had me completely distracted and, combining with my clumsiness, I put both legs down one pants leg and managed to hop my way to the stairs without noticing until I came flying down the stairs, landing with an "Ooph" at Charlie's feet.

"Are you all right, Bells?" he gasped.

I pulled myself up. Thanks to the thought of Edward, I could feel no pain. "Just fantastic, Charlie!" I chirruped. "Hey, what's all that white stuff doing outside?"

"It snowed pretty hard," Charlie commented. "The ground has gotten icy."

I groaned inwardly. At least if I fell, Edward could help me up. I stepped outside the door, immediately slipping on a snowflake and face-sliding down the driveway on the black ice. I grabbed hold of my truck and used it to lift myself up gingerly. I knew Edward was never this clumsy.

I got into the car, flooring the pedal as soon as I could (even though the truck could only go 55 miles an hour, but that was okay with me). I had to get to school early, because I knew I could see Edward there. His eyes, like deep caramel, and his beautiful teeth, like shining marble. How could I ever hope to compare to that with my average looks? By the way, I look average.

I got out of my truck at school, standing at the back corner to examine the tires. I realized Charlie had put snow chains on them. I began to cry, not exactly understanding why. Suddenly, I heard a screech.

Even though this all happened in a split second, I was able to absorb all the details perfectly as if I had been watching a Sports Center replay slo-mo. Beautiful, perfect Edward Cullen was standing four cars down from me, his caramel eyes horrified. I felt my face; was there a zit? Able to tear my eyes away from Edward's godliness for a split second, I saw a blue van skidding wildly across the ice of the parking lot, gasp, right towards me.

Just as the car was about to hit me, something else hit me hard from the wrong direction. My head cracked against the pavement, but I didn't care. Even from his touch I had felt an electric shock. It was Edward. Two perfect hands shot out in front of me, lifting up and throwing the van like a toy. He was so strong. I could hear Edward's beautiful, melodious voice in my ear.

"Bella?" he gasped. "Are you all right?"

"Oh, Edward," I moaned. "You're here, so I'm fine."

He looked at me skeptically. "Uh, Bella," he pointed out, velvety voice concerned. "You hit your head pretty hard."

Until he pointed that out, I had been mesmerized by his rosy breath. I suddenly became aware that my head felt like it had been run over.

"How did you get over here so fast?" I gushed.

"Um…I was right next to you," he quickly said, eyes flicking from side to side. "These aren't the droids you're looking for." He waved two fingers in front of me.

"These aren't the droids I'm looking for," I repeated. I sat up, looking into his beautiful golden eyes. I was lost in my own world for a moment.

"Don't move!"

We were approached by a group of people, tears streaming down their faces…I had no clue why they were crying.

A group of EMTs and adults arrived, lifting me up. As I lay in the ambulance, I looked at his family. There they were. Rosalie was icy. Alice was peppy. Jasper was weird. Emmett was big. Images flashed through my head. Standing there alone, suddenly with Edward next to me. A dent in the truck that fit the contour of his perfect shoulders. Edward's beautiful eyes as they stared concernedly into mine.

"Edward!" I screamed. He came over. I grabbed his hand. "You must promise to explain everything to me later. How you weren't hurt…everything. Also, your family doesn't seem to give a damn about whether you're alright or not."

"I'm fine," he said in his hypnotizing voice. "I'll explain everything." We arrived in the emergency room. I was carried in on a stretcher, feeling ridiculous next to the walking and godlike Edward. I was put in a bed, and another stretcher was brought in.

I saw one of the shallow boys from my Government class brought in. "Bella, I'm so sorry!" he shouted.

"I'm fine, Shallow Boy 7," I assured him. "Edward saved me." I stared at Edward as his beautifully musical voice floated into the room.

"Is she all right?" he asked.

"I'm fine," I snapped, suddenly feeling anger at him even though he saved me. God, I was so angry! "Why aren't you strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?"

"It's all about who you know," he said, smirking. "My dad works here." I could tell, as a blond, beautiful doctor walked around the corner. Even though he was more handsome than any actor I'd ever seen, he looked like Quasimodo next to Edward.

"Hello, Bella," he said in an appealing voice. "You can go home now, you're very lucky."

"Lucky that Edward was next to me," I snapped, once again filled with inexplicable anger. I stood up and pushed Edward out of the room with me.

"What do you want?" he snarled. I was shocked how even extreme anger could be beautiful and appealing with him.

"You promised me an explanation."

"Bella, you hit your head, you have no idea what you're talking about." I was lost for a moment in his beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, perfect, perfect eyes.

"You left beautiful dents in the cars and there's not a scratch on you. You picked up the van."

"You think I picked a van up?" he asked. He was amazing at everything, even delivering lies.

"Yes, but I won't tell anybody."

"I'm not going to tell you anything. You hit your head," he growled. We glared at each other. I couldn't say anything for a few minutes; I was mesmerized by his glorious face. It was like staring down an angel. A/N: God, I feel sick

"Why did you bother saving me?" I finally managed to choke out.

"Because I'm a vampire and I love you….wait, that's a little too early," he said quickly. Waving his fingers in front of my eyes, he shook his head. I suddenly forgot everything he had just said. He just stalked off.

I went to bed, and I began to dream of Edward.

A/N 2: Somebody grab me a barf bag. It's like all she can do is talk about Edward…but w/e. Please review, hope you enjoyed it.