Lana.
The room to her hotel room was hot in the mid morning sun, her tan body bathed in its light. She was dressed in very short cotton shorts and a loosely revealing tank top. The woman stirred in her sleep. Her dreams that night had equally stirred her and she didn't want to leave them yet. Faintly, she could hear Archer's voice which did disturb her wonderful dream of his sudden muteness but decided to subconsciously integrate it into her new dream.
Lana.
She smacked her full lips and yawned slightly, stretching her tall body against the cotton sheets. She remained stationed where she was, comfortably on the bed, not wanting this new dream to end; there were calloused and experienced hands roving nicely over her body, lips and the slight graze of teeth at her neck and jawline. She was reliving an old memory from a mission a few years back.
Tensions had been hot which made the situation the two agents found themselves in hotter; and made each other more dangerously appealing. After proclaimed affections, the two operatives threw caution to the wind and indulged in a brief tumble of passion before they faced a small, private army on their own. Lana moaned softly, her body unconsciously beginning to mimic the ministrations she felt on that sweltering desert day.
Archer had woken up that morning unrested with a severe hangover. He decided to right that wrong with more liquor. He filled a tumbler with scotch on the rocks and even the soft clink of frozen water in the glass hurt his head. When a knock sounded at the door for house keeping, he approached the maid to tell her off but decided to grab some intel while she was there. Slipping her a few pesos, he asked if any newcomers had arrived between last night and this morning. Getting his answer, he quickly swiped back the pesos from the waistband of her skirt and thanked her with a harsh slam of the door; which in the end harmed his already problematic hearing more.
The light of the sun was too much for his bloodshot eyes, so the skilled agent made his way to shut the curtains when he noticed his partner lying on the bed making soft noises. It was time he repaid her for shoving him onto the broken couch. Crouching down next to the double bed (plenty of room for the two of them, especially if she had slept on top of and/or below him) he began to softly call out her name.
"Lana," he said as she stirred. No response. He dialed up the volume. "Lana."
The only move she made was to yawn and stretch. He took the opportunity to ogle her lithe, muscular body. She was a tall drink of coffee, just as delicious and bitter, but in her sleep she lacked the frown lines and furrowed brow she typically reserved for him. She was beautiful in her sleepy bliss. Truth be told, even when she was glowering at him he thought she looked great, though he did prefer her smile. The way her thick, glossed lips parted to display an array of dazzling white teeth made his heart stop for a moment every time.
He never gave himself the proper kick in the pants reflection he needed to realize he had rarely ever made her smile in the time they were together. In the beginning of their relationship, it was great. The two jet-setters were made for each other, but then his philandering and cheating really put them in a rut and hid her smile behind gray clouds of stormy malcontent. He really didn't know why he did it. Sure, there was some great sex out there and while Lana was amazing in bed, she wasn't the best. But even if she was no Pele in bed where others could be (seriously, her name was an anagram for anal and yet, nothing!), she made him feel different and he gave that up for nothing.
"What a waste…" he chided himself, shaking his head. He doubted he could ever get back what she gave him. So he sucked his woes through the straw of regret inserted into the glass of whatever alcohol was handy. Handy, he chuckled, Phrasing, boom.
Soft moans snapped him out of his reverie. He pinpointed the noise coming from in front of him. Lana, still sound asleep, began to moan deep in her throat. Her ass wagged temptingly in front of him.
Without realizing, Archer saw his hand ghost over the lines and curves of her body. He immediately withdrew when he came to his senses, but the ache in his fingertips ran straight to the bone. He wanted to touch her so badly, but simultaneously did not want to end this show she was giving him.
As the ass he was, he allowed it to continue and see where it went to. To his surprise and happiness, he saw her hand ghost lower and lower down her abdomen, her lungs heaving at a faster pace. He felt his body involuntarily react, an almost painful surge of blood sent down to his responsive member.
Putting an end to this before he did something he would regret, he finished his payback. Sucking in a deep lungful of air, he bellowed, "LAAAAANAAAAAAA!"
The response he was met with took the air right out of him - literally. Without even opening her eyes, Lana's hand snaked out and grabbed around his throat. Her other hand wrangled his shoulder and threw Archer on the bed where she had been. Finally, eyes open she looked down at the oxygen-losing teammate she was straddled on top of.
"Archer?" she yelled.
"Hostile work environment," he wheezed.
Lana held onto her chokehold a little longer before releasing.
He gasped and sucked in as much air as he could to his deprived lungs. "What the shit, Lana!"
"What do you mean, 'What the shit, Lana?' What the hell were you doing?"
Archer scoffed, wincing as she scooted onto his still enlarged dick. The friction her shorts and body made against his pajama clad bottoms was aggravatingly pleasing and making it so much harder to concentrate. "Well, this backward ass country and stupid hotel room apparently don't see the point in having an alarm clock so…"
"So you decide to be the alarm clock I so desperately needed?" she deadpanned.
"Well, yeah, Lana. Super Troopers screenwriters called, they want their Snooze-berries back."
"Yeah, well, I did what you do to any good alarm clock," she smacked the flat of her palm against his the top of his head, his thick navy black hair cushioning most of the pain. "I smacked it off."
She glanced down between her legs where something hot and hard pressed into her inner thigh, similar to in her dream. She arched a brow, a sly and triumphant smile gracing her face. He had expected anger, not the sultry look she bestowed upon him. His mouth both watered then quickly dried at the picture she painted.
"Maybe I should do the same to, ah, this problem?" she said, her voice light with imminent laughter.
He scowled and tried to get out from under her. "Ok, don't look into this all right. It's just…it… whatever - shut up, stupid!"
Lana loved seeing him squirm. He was normally so calm and collected that it was nearly psychotic. But she made him writhe and lose that cool he always kept. She decided to tease him with her restored power. Lowering her upper body, she let her scantily clothed breasts drag across his chest while her lower body ground against him slightly.
She whispered in his ear, "Call waiting from a Mr. K-Log, he wants to inform you…you're in the Danger Zone."
Archer groaned as she rolled off him and huskily ground out a breathless, "Aw, I need new pants."
She threw him a pair of cargo shorts and slipped into a slim sundress. "Get them on quick, we need to check out the status of our target."
Archer caught the proffered garment and slapped them on. "As the leader on the mission, and the superior-in-all-regards agent, I already found out. He isn't here yet."
"Well then, there's no harm in double-checking now is there?" She regarded him and added, "Fly's undone."
As she made her way out of the stuffy room, Archer called out, "This monster needs some breathing room, Lana!" He zipped his pants and made faces behind her back childishly, then followed her out.
Downstairs in the lobby, Lana spotted the concierge clerk. He was a handsome man, bright blue eyes set in a gorgeously chiseled dark face. Well groomed and his clothes were prim and fashionable. He had a trimmed mustache and slicked back hair and Lana was on the prowl for maybe just a little more than intel with this target.
Archer scoffed behind her, sensing her attitude from the gleam in her eye. "Oh please, Lana, he's like a Mexican Ray!"
"For once, you're actually, probably, not using 'Mexican' as a racial objectification. And just because he has a better sense of style than you, doesn't make him gay, Archer."
"Better sense of style? Okay: numero uno, let's not take false and cheap shots here; and numero dos that's not what makes him gay. The fact that this man in front of you likes deep throating cock as much as Pam does, does."
Archer began to make choking noises and lewd gestures to which Lana attempted to ignore. Seductively sticking her chest out, she strutted over to the man in waiting to Honeypot the information she needed. Her partner chuckled and said, "I warned you."
Running her fingers along the waxed wood tabletop, Lana leant into her arm, resting her breasts on the table and giving the man ample view of her cleavage. She smiled up at him and batted her lashes.
"Hi," she said. "I was really hoping you could help me. See, I'm waiting for a friend and I lost my phone so I was hoping you could tell me if he happened to check in already? I would be…so grateful."
The man began attending to his nails and cuticles. "Sorry, busy."
This took the field agent aback. She stammered out an, "I'm sorry?"
The clerk, whose name tag read Javier, glanced at her crudely and replied, "No, honey, I'm sorry. That sundress, from two seasons ago?" He let the rest of his judgement trail off.
Archer could see the fire burning around his second in command and tried to keep his laughter down below boisterous. She was plummeting faster than the plane he commandeered from the archaic-enthusiast Rip Riley and decided it was time to jump in and rescue her again. Or more likely Javier with the way her hands shook at her sides and crept suspiciously higher to neck level.
Javier's eyes brightened as he spotted the second guest approaching. He evolved from a sarcastic and nasty server to the perfect and flirtatious host. "Oh, Señor Randerson!" he exclaimed, fixing his hair and casting the secret agent a saucy smile. Lana's jaw dropped as she glared at her approaching partner.
"Hola, Javier, qué tal, buddy?" Archer moseyed over and gave a lopsided grin, triumphantly winking at Lana.
She pinched his side in retaliation.
"Muy bien, Señor Randerson. How can I help you today?"
"Well the thing is, she and I have the same problem. We're waiting for a friend to arrive and wondered if he had. She lost her phone and I can't seem to get any signal here. If you could be a doll and help, we would really really appreciate it."
Javier bit his lip and looked away. "I'm sorry, Señor, I can not reveal this information to you. It is against company policy and I could lose my job…"
Archer nodded his head understandingly. "I get it, buddy. But, listen, why don't you and I take a quick break and how's about I do a little…servicing?"
Lana's eyes nearly bugged out of her head. Either she was still dreaming or had her vitamin tablets accidentally switched with the ones Cheryl took, but it sounded a lot like her partner (a notorious homophobe) flirting with the concierge.
Archer loved honeypot missions if they involved beautiful, foreign women. He violently objected those types of seduce and extract missions when the targets were men; the only exception was when his Mother twisted his arm with Ramon Limon, but even then he grumbled and groveled to be taken off it. Now, he flawlessly charmed the literal pants off the entirely too willing host, who told him of the nearest closet they could dart into it. In less then five seconds of departing, Archer returned alone.
"Well I guess they don't call it a quickie for nothin'!" Lana joked then turned serious. "Also, you knew the whole time he was actually gay!"
"I tried to warn you. He came up to me last night at the bar and offered some things that were, honestly, a little hard to pass up. Which I did, and ha-ha," he forcefully laughed at her lame joke, then pointed at his watch. "The new spymaster comes with a canister of non-lethal knockout gas, though I didn't need to use it. I just found the right spot to make him come quietly and hid him in the closet."
"Phrasing," she got the word in to Archer's anger. "Now what do we do since you took out the guy with the answers? I don't see a manager's book or a list of reservations and people."
"There's the computer."
"Yeah, genius, and it's password protected. I obviously tried that while you were taking such good care of our bellhomo, Javier."
Archer laughed and between each commented, "That joke was pretty weak and you are so mad he didn't fall for you. Hahaha, that was hilarious. So glad I didn't stop it sooner."
"If you're done being an ass, we gotta find a way into this thing. Or spend an hour checking every room and risk blowing our cover if he's even here."
"Step aside," he commanded, brutishly knocking her out of the way. "Hey Lana, I forget, what's the Spanish word for 'guest'?"
She sighed and racked her brain. "There's a few, but one is convitado. But I doubt that's —"
"Haha, oh my god, we're in," Archer chimed. "Dear Mexico, please please be gayer."
"Wow, I," Lana was stunned. "I can't believe that worked. I also can't believe there are places with equally shitty security as ISIS."
"Yeah, that's…that's pretty bad. Speaking of, I wonder how everyone is doing back home?"
"Knowing them, I'd rather not guess. And it looks like our guy isn't here yet."
"Told you."
"That gives us some downtime for the moment," Lana's mouth split into a wide smile, her eyes glistening while the cogs in her head audibly turned as she thought of a pleasant idea. "And I know how I'm going to spend it. See you in a few hours!"
Archer stood at the front of the hotel lobby for a few more moments, smacking his lips and realizing he desperately needed a drink, feeling the dull throb at his temples returning from lack of liquor. He heard muffled thumps and secondarily realized he also needed to let Javier out of the closet. He laughed at his own mental joke. In all seriousness, he knew Javier should get out of there soon. But drink first.