That was not the last time Snape tormented Remus with his secret knowledge.
Every few days, he found a moment for a cutting word, or a whispered threat to spread Remus's secret heartache all over the school. Someday he would do it, Remus was certain, and the anxiety he had felt before telling his friends the truth returned to gnaw at his guts anew. This time, however, there was nothing he could do about it. No one he could tell.
If he had any hopes that Snape might grow bored with torturing him, or forget what he knew over the summer holidays, they vanished as soon as Remus returned to Hogwarts for his sixth year.
Each day, Remus awoke wondering whether this would be the day that Snape finally decided to out him. Anxiety was a constant ache in his belly. He barely ate or slept. His marks suffered. His robes hung on him like a broom handle. His friends and Madam Pomfrey were worried, but Remus brushed off their concerns, saying it was just the potions affecting him.
Meanwhile, Snape's poisonous whisperings went on and on, day in and day out, grinding Remus down and fraying his nerves.
"What do you want?" Remus demanded one day under the noise of students moving between lessons.
Snape gave him a nasty grin. "Nothing. I have what I want. Unlike some people I could mention."
Remus turned away, teeth clenched, but the taunting voice followed him.
"You think they'll still let you room with them once they find out, shirt-lifter? Or maybe they will. Maybe they'll put that girly mouth of yours to the only use it's good for."
Something snapped inside Remus. With a yell, he whirled, fist connecting with the side of the surprised Slytherin's head. Snape went down with Remus on top of him. When he moved to draw his wand, Remus knocked it aside.
It took all three of his friends to drag him off the other boy. Snape's nose was bloodied, and one of Remus's eyes was beginning to bruise and swell shut. Professor Slughorn, summoned by the commotion, gave them both a stern lecture against brawling like Muggles in the corridors, and assigned Remus a week's detention. That did not matter, though. All that mattered was the nasty grin Snape flashed him, and his parting words.
"You're finished now, Lupin."
"What was all that about?" asked Peter.
"Dunno," Remus lied, not meeting his eyes.
"Are you OK?" Sirius raised a hand to touch the tender bruise around Remus's eye, his own eyes filled with concern. Remus flinched away.
"I'm not feeling very well," he said hastily. "I'll see you lads after class."
Without a backwards glance, he hurried off in the direction of Gryffindor tower. His friends did not follow, much to his relief and disappointment. It might have been sweet to spend one more afternoon together, just the four of them, before Snape ruined everything, but he knew his friends would keep asking why he had hit the Slytherin, and he had no satisfactory answer.
Remus lay on his bed, thinking as fast as his exhausted brain would allow. Perhaps there was some way to stop Snape from telling the others what he knew. Remus could make a bargain with him. But Remus had nothing Snape wanted. He imagined the Slytherin's eyes shining with cruel delight, and his friends' expressions of confusion, disbelief, shock, horror. Snape would want the satisfaction of telling them the news himself. Remus knew that much.
He turned over, clutching his pillow in a hard hug and willing his tightly-clenched belly muscles to relax.
It would only postpone the inevitable, but if he could keep his friends away from Snape, his secret would remain safe for a little while. And maybe - maybe there was a small chance he could find the courage to tell Sirius the truth in the meantime. Or else he could sneak out of the castle by night and run away home. It was the coward's option, but between that and becoming a target of hatred and disgust for all of Hogwarts, it also sounded like a relief.
The others returned from class full of concern and curiosity.
"That eye looks bad," said Sirius, sitting down on Remus's bed. His hand moved as if to touch Remus's face again, but then he thought better of it and drew back. "D'you want us to go see if Pomfrey's got something for it?"
"No, it's fine."
"I have some of that Bruise Balm for Quidditch," volunteered James.
Remus accepted the offer, gingerly dabbing the yellow cream around his swollen eye.
"What did Snape say to you?" asked Peter, perched on Remus's trunk.
Remus shook his head. "Nothing worse than usual. I just - had a bad day."
Sirius snorted in disbelief. "I've never seen you go after someone like that, Lupin. Are you going to tell us what happened, or do I have to go and beat it out of Snivellus myself?"
"No!" Remus said too quickly. "No, just - leave him be, all right? I overreacted. He - he said I looked girly."
"Oh."
An uncomfortable silence descended upon the dormitory. Remus's cheeks burned. He hated admitting even that much, but the others knew it was a sensitive subject for him. Maybe now they would drop it.
That hope lasted less than a minute.
"That tosser needs to be taught a lesson," Sirius declared, getting to his feet. "Who's with me?"
"I'm in," said James immediately as Peter perked up. Hexing Snape was among their favourite hobbies.
"Don't," Remus pleaded.
Sirius shot him a grin which, under normal circumstances, would have made Remus's heart flutter. "You don't have to do everything for yourself, you know, mate. That's what friends are for."
"I'll just ignore him next time," said Remus desperately. "Let's - let's play Exploding Snap or something."
"I'd rather play Exploding Snape," quipped James, and the others laughed.
They were halfway out the door when Remus jumped up to follow. He had to stop them - had to talk them out of it somehow. If they actually found Snape, he was done for. But once James and Sirius had set their minds to something, it was almost impossible to change them, so Remus followed, sweaty palms clenched, heart hammering.
"He'll be in the Potions classroom," said James. "I heard he's been tutoring people to make some extra dosh."
Sirius nodded. "We'll wait and catch him on his way up to supper."
"And do what?" demanded Remus. He had to force the words out around the tightness in his chest.
"Nothing permanent," Sirius assured him. "Curl his hair. Hex him cross-eyed. Knot his shoelaces together. Something like that. Whatever it takes to make him leave you alone next time."
Alone. Remus would be that. If Snape opened his mouth -
"The Laryngitis curse!" said Remus desperately. "Or - or the Mouth-Sealing hex. Something to shut him up for a while."
"Good idea," laughed James.
Peter nodded, face flushed with excitement. "That would teach him to shoot his mouth off for sure!"
They quieted as they approached the Potions classroom, ducking into a shadowy alcove to wait. Peter stood lookout while James tiptoed to the door to make certain of their quarry.
"Can we just forget about this?" whispered Remus over the sound of his own pounding heart.
He expected Sirius to ignore or dismiss his request, but the other boy turned to him, a soft look in his grey eyes. "He shouldn't talk to you like that, Remus. It's not right."
Remus looked down. "He doesn't know."
Sirius touched his arm lightly, making Remus raise his eyes. "Even so. I don't like him treating you - " He broke off and shook his head, words failing.
He was standing very close, looking straight into Remus's eyes, hand still on his arm. Remus could hardly breathe. For a moment, he forgot why they were there - forgot everything except the boy in front of him. His eyes fixed on Sirius's mouth, so close. He could almost imagine -
Then James and Peter were back, jostling into the alcove with them, and everything else came rushing back in on Remus.
"He's there," reported James. "It sounded like they were almost finished."
The four Gryffindors waited in tense silence. Remus stole a glance at Sirius, worrying. If they decided at the last minute not to use one of the Silencing hexes he had suggested, or if they did not do it quickly enough, this might be the last companionable moment he would share with his friends. Anxiety constricted Remus's chest, making breathing difficult.
There was a sound down the corridor, and an annoyed-looking second year exited the Potions classroom, fumbling her bag over her shoulder.
"Wait until she's gone," breathed James.
When the echo of the girl's footsteps had faded around the corner, James gave the signal for them to move. He went first, with Sirius close behind him. Remus trailed after, while Peter, who had been on the receiving end of many a hex from Snape, and preferred to keep as many obstacles between himself and the Slytherin as possible, brought up the rear. Remus held his breath as James eased the heavy door open.
If Snape had been facing away, or if he had not already had his wand in his hand, things might have gone differently. His black eyes snapped up, and almost before the hex was out of James and Sirius's mouths, he shouted, "Protego!"
The hexes made a whooshing sound as they bounced off the Shield charm. James, Sirius, and Snape eyed one another warily, wands poised, waiting to see who would make the next move. Remus clutched his own wand, edging closer to Sirius.
Snape's shrewd eyes flicked between them. He knew from long experience that neither Remus nor Peter was likely to hex him. The corner of his mouth twitched in a mocking half-smile.
"I wouldn't turn my back on Lupin if I were you, Black," he sneered. "One of these days, he won't be able to resist the temptation."
"Shut it, Snape," said Remus, trying desperately to control the panic in his voice.
"It's you I wouldn't want to turn my back on, Snivellus," Sirius declared. "At least I have friends who've got my back."
Snape's mocking smile grew. "I doubt it's your back Lupin's interested in."
Sirius's eyes widened as he took Snape's meaning. The others had not got there yet, but any minute now, they would. Sirius's eyes flicked away from Snape's wand to glance at Remus. Remus could read nothing but startlement in his expression, but realised too late that his own anguish showed clear on his face. He looked away quickly.
"What - ?" said James, bewildered.
"If Remus wanted my arse," Sirius interrupted loudly, "he'd have mentioned it by now. We've been rooming together for over five years. If he was a bender, I'd know it."
"Would you?" Snape leered. "Maybe you're used to your friends giving you cow eyes, Black, but from where I'm standing, it looks like he'd enjoy the view a lot more if I - Divestimenta!"
Blood pounded in Remus's ears. He did not even hear the hex; only saw the tip of Snape's wand twitch. Instinctively, he threw himself sideways, shoving Sirius out of the path of the spell. It hit Remus full in the chest, and his clothes vanished.
There was a moment of shocked silence as four pairs of eyes fixed on his naked body. Snape gave a startled laugh. With a yell of outrage, Sirius threw himself at the Slytherin, and they went down grappling.
Remus stood frozen, unable to move or think. Then warm fabric settled over his shoulders. James was beside him, draping him in his own outer robes, saying his name, asking if he was all right. Remus clutched the borrowed garment around himself and fled.
He did not stop running until he reached the relative safety of their dormitory bathroom. Falling to his knees, he scrambled for the toilet, retching up the little he had eaten that day. He clung to the porcelain bowl for long moments, shaking with reaction.
His friends had seen the wrongness of his body. Would they ever be able to look at him again without thinking about it? Worse yet, Sirius now knew how Remus felt about him. Remus imagined the mixture of disgust and pity in his friend's beautiful eyes as he informed Remus that he was just "not my type".
But worst of all, Snape knew the truth now, and he would tell everyone. There was nothing to stop him. Remus imagined everyone at Hogwarts staring at him, whispering behind their hands, calling him freak and making him the butt of every joke. It was ten times worse than if they had only hated him for being queer.
Would his friends stick by him when the whole school turned against him? Or would they join in the mockery? James had only just barely accepted him when doing so had cost him nothing. What would he do when his considerable popularity was at stake? Remus knew better than to expect anything of Peter. He was a coward. If the others did not stick by Remus, he would not, either. And Sirius - Remus could not bear to think about him right now.
He tried to think rationally about what he should do - about what would happen next - but his mind was in chaos. Weeks of exhaustion and anxiety had eaten away at his ability to reason. He felt like an animal caught in a trap, panicking as the jaws closed around him. They might force him to move into the girls' dormitory. Or Dumbledore might decide his continued presence at the school was too much of a distraction for the other students, and send him home in disgrace.
Whatever happened, it was over. He was finished. Snape would tell, and then everyone would know. No one would let him be a proper wizard. The magical community was too small and too well-connected to leave any safe place for Remus to hide or start over. He would be shunned and cast out of Wizarding society, unable even to maintain the pretense of a normal life.
It was all so unfair. All he wanted was to be left alone - to be normal. Why should it matter what he had between his legs? But it did matter. It mattered to everyone. It even mattered to Remus himself, as much as he hated to admit it. Once everyone knew, it would make no difference what Remus wanted, or what illusion of masculinity he had constructed for himself. The world would never let him forget that he did not have the necessary parts to be a "real" boy.
"I'm real," he whispered to no one.
There were only two options left to him: he could knuckle under and be the girl-freak that the rest of the world considered him to be, hated, mocked, disrespected, rejected, or he could make it all stop right now, for good.
The pounding of his heart slowed, and he felt a little steadier. Yes, he could make it stop. It could be over now, today.
Shakily, Remus pulled himself to his feet and stared at the pale, bruised face in the mirror. He would not miss it. Most likely, no one else would, either. His parents would be disappointed that the Death Eaters would get his grandfather's money after all, but there was no help for that now, and they would probably be relieved to be free of his awkward and expensive problems.
The razor blades that his friends used for shaving sat beside the sink. Remus picked one up in trembling fingers and stared at it. It was a small thing, but it looked sharp. It would do the job. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The blade was icy cold against his skin, but the blood was warm.