Title: Of Drugs and Dance Floors
Chapter: 3/3
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: JJ/Reid
Rating: FRAO
Warnings: Angsty/dark, hurt/comfort, het, mature content, mentions of substance abuse, language, adult situations.
Summary: See title.
Word Count: 3,614
A/N: After reading this through, I came to a horrifying realization: Yes, I admit it, I am a hopeless romantic. (Though you all probably knew that already, huh?) I'm going to go to the Closet-Romantics Anonymous meetings starting Monday, but until then, here is the final chapter! And thank you all so much for the encouraging reviews, I hope you like the ending.
Disclaimer: Best disclaimer I've ever read (whose source I can't quite recall)- "I don't own them, I just like to rub them together and see what happens."
The car was cooling rapidly as he watched her walk away, wondering what the hell was going on, what it was that she needed so badly to show him that it couldn't wait until Monday.
He'd have been angry with her for not taking him home to be left to his vices, if not for that look in her eyes.
He recognized it immediately-- he had seen it enough times on this job. He saw it in Elle's eyes that night at the hotel.
He saw it in his own eyes most nights.
But JJ... He had never seen her look so broken before; angry and defiant, struggling under some weight visible only to her with that same soul-consuming despair that he knew all too well. It was a quiet kind of self-destruction.
For a brief moment he considered that she may need his help, that there was something he could do for her that would take that look away, but he had the intellect to see that this could simply not be the case. She was strong and independent. She didn't need a knight in shining FBI-issued Kevlar to sweep her off her feet.
He considered calling a cab when she was half way across the parking lot, but somehow realized it was too late for that.
Something felt different about tonight. He knew he could never say no to a request from her, but more importantly he recognized, despite his disjointed and disorganized thoughts, that he was standing at the edge of a proverbial abyss in more ways than one.
Spencer knew that there were only two options when standing on that ledge, looking down and observing the distance between himself and his destination: falling forward and watching as the earth rose up to meet him and swallow him whole, or falling backwards and watching as the heavens were pulled out of his grasp. Either way, just praying that someone is waiting at the bottom to pick up the pieces.
Walking away was never an option.
He undid his seatbelt and opened the door, the small sound echoing down the deserted street.
Hoping she would have pity on him and let him call a cab from her apartment when his attendance was no longer required, he jogged to catch up with her.
Following her lead and savouring the meditative quiet of the surrounding night, they walked silently into her apartment complex.
Millions of questions and polite excuses as to why he needed to leave rushed through his mind, though he couldn't quite grasp a coherent sentence to use in his defence.
Before he even realised it, they were standing in front of her door.
Scratching at a persistent itch on his arm and shuffling his feet slightly, he decided to try one last time to escape without upsetting her, "It's late... You probably should get some rest, I'll just--"
She unlocked the door, its hinges squeaking as she pushed it open and motioned for him to go inside. Thoughts increasingly jumbled, and no less confused than he was in the car, he found himself stumbling across the threshold and fumbling for a light switch.
Before his fingers could come into contact with the light he so desperately sought, the door slammed shut, startling him while sucking the luminosity of the hallway out of the room and leaving only the wisps of moonbeams filtering through her windows to illuminate his surroundings.
God, how he hated the darkness. He could never seem to find his way out of it.
Turning in the general direction he imagined JJ to be, he opened his mouth to protest, only to find her proximity far more precarious than he had judged and her soft lips flush against his.
For a moment, he forgot to breathe.
Shock consumed his senses until all he could register was the heat of her body against him, searing in its intensity, and the desperation of her lips on his.
Her hands moved unhurriedly up his chest, curving around his neck and entangling in his hair while her tongue teased his bottom lip, coaxing him to open to her.
His body took over while his mind was busy sorting through seas of confusion and disbelief, and he found himself returning the kiss as she led him gently through a labyrinth of foreign sensations.
His hands had made their way instinctively to her waist by the time the need for oxygen had finally registered in his brain. Sensing this, JJ pulled back hardly long enough for him to draw in a breath, before pushing him back against the door insistently while resuming her previous ministrations.
Her dress seemed to become less and less work appropriate the more his fingers came into contact with the sinfully delicate fabric. Weren't there laws against showing this much skin?
He had never imagined it would come to this. Never imagined her lips could be so soft, her skin so smooth. Never imagined she could taste this good, feel this right.
But god, this was JJ. Even his fantasies could never live up to her.
JJ who cheated at cards on the plane; who he let cheat at cards on the plane just to feel the delighted sound of her laughter roll across his skin.
JJ who called him Spence and humoured his physics magic and would go above and beyond the call of duty, putting herself at risk just to... Shit. That's what this was about.
Taking control. Misguided Absolution. Displaced adrenaline stemming from an emotionally draining experience.
Maybe just the need to feel alive.
The revelation hit him like a freight train, leaving a lead weight in the pit of his stomach.
Her mouth was exploring his jaw line when her lips grazed across his earlobe and she whispered heatedly, "Is this what you want Spence?"
It was. It was more than he could ever have wanted.
But this was JJ.
He couldn't do this. He'd sooner take a bullet than hurt her.
She didn't want this. Not really. She would hate him in the morning, regretting a decision made for all the wrong reasons. He'd probably hate himself too.
The idea of taking advantage of her made him suddenly feel sick. Against all odds, his overdeveloped moral compass took hold of the turbulent situation, and he found himself pushing her away unsteadily. His lips were singed from the intensity of the fire against them and were already protesting its loss.
"No. No, I, JJ- I mean, god, not like this, I don't--" he stumbled for words, failing horribly at expressing the myriad reasons why they shouldn't be doing this that he couldn't quite remember after feeling the weight of her tongue in his mouth.
"Don't you want me?" It was the first time he had ever heard a tremor of self-doubt in her voice and it terrified him.
His heart dropped at having offended her.
Searching through the wealth of vocabulary in his brain and coming up empty, he sighed, resigned to his fate, and told her the truth in a choked voice, "More than you could possibly know."
Part of him wished he could see her face, the gentle curves of her cheekbones, the strands of golden hair tucked behind her ear. But a larger part of him was grateful for the absence of light.
He wasn't sure he could handle the look in her eyes.
Anger, maybe?
Regret?
Disgust?
Oh god, he couldn't bear to see her look at him like that. He had to get out. Had to--
A soft light suddenly flooded the foyer, emitted from a small lamp on a desk next to the door. He watched, entranced, as she slowly withdrew her hand from the light switch.
She wouldn't let him hide in the darkness any longer.
Unable to stop himself any more than he could calm the rampant pounding of his heart, his eyes lifted to meet hers, dreading what they would find there.
Looking into the shadowy blue depths of her eyes he was almost certain he could drown there and consider it a privilege, but she did not seem to be looking at him anymore. No, now she was looking through him, through the masks and the walls he had built around him, and he had never felt so exposed.
He searched her expression for some explanation, but found none. Instead he watched as her eyes softened. The anger and tension seemed to melt from her, released in a sigh.
His breath caught in his throat as she lifted one delicate hand and brought it to his face, brushing a thumb along his cheekbone without ever breaking eye contact.
It was simple, yet overwhelmingly intimate and suddenly he couldn't even remember the last time someone had touched him like this. Just touched him. Maybe no one ever had. He never wanted her to stop and couldn't help but lean into her palm.
"Spence..."
He didn't notice he had closed his eyes until he heard his name on her lips and looked up to see her staring back with concern. It was then that he realised he was still shivering ever so slightly, his body rebelling against him and begging for a needle to fill his veins with solace, just to get through another night.
Looking at her now, he knew he was caught. She could see the drugs in his gaze.
Her words were whispered, but direct, "After Tobias, you didn't stop taking the Dilaudid, did you?"
He wanted so much just to lie to her. He could only shake his head in silent confession and wait for her to pull back in disgust and scream at him to get out of her apartment.
To his surprise, she took a small step towards him, her lips dangerously close to his own and he stilled, wondering for a moment if maybe he was already home, had already surrendered to the drugs and none of this was real.
But the warmth of her skin as she rested her forehead against his and the gentle wind of her breath as she whispered "Promise me you'll stop Spence, promise me you'll get help," attested otherwise.
It took a moment to register her request under the circumstances.
His mind was foggy and he couldn't help but mentally revisit the fact that this was JJ, and she kept calling him Spence.
She wasn't trying to push him away. She didn't hate him for his weakness. He just couldn't understand it.
Then he noticed that her left hand was clutched to his button-down shirt as though she was afraid he'd disappear if she let go. Maybe he would. It was all he had been trying to do lately anyway, just disappear.
It simply never occurred to him before that he wasn't the only one falling into the abyss, maybe she had been right there with him the entire time. If she was with him, maybe he could stop, maybe he could be strong. For her. Anything for her.
"Okay," he uttered in agreement.
"No, you have to say it," she insisted.
"I promise." No backing out now. His mind raced with the question of how he could possibly hope to keep this promise. He could go to the meetings- maybe that would help. He'd have to do something, because doing nothing was obviously not working, and failing now meant failing her.
She pulled back slightly to look up at him, never disentangling her left hand from his shirt, but resting her right on the curve of his neck.
"I was so scared Spence," her voice was so low, so earnest, that his heart skipped a beat.
He flushed in shame and remorse. It was his fault she had been afraid, he should have been paying attention, looking out for her tonight. The Unsub should never have gotten that close to her. "I, god, I'm so sorry JJ, that I didn't see him take you off the dance floor, I should have been--"
"No, I don't just mean tonight. The Hankel case, when you-- when he... I thought I lost you. I watched you nearly die Spence, and I couldn't do anything. Just watch. And every case since, I think to myself, maybe this is the one. Maybe this time one of us won't make it out alive. Maybe this time none of us will." She laughed self-deprecatingly, trying in vain to wipe away the moisture now clouding her vision, "I'm just so tired of being afraid."
He didn't know how to comfort her.
Comfort and concern had always been her strengths.
He honestly didn't know how she did what she did, but it seemed to come so naturally to her, and he had seen her in action so had a rough idea what the social expectations for a situation like this consisted of.
He wrapped his arms gently around her in a tentative embrace and was rewarded by her immediate response as she clung tightly to him.
He could see why people hugged so often. There was something genuinely soothing about it.
He couldn't help but run a hand through the long golden locks of her hair. She sighed against his neck and whispered, "Stay with me."
He wasn't sure if it was a question or a command. He didn't know for certain if she meant for him to stay in her apartment, or if there were multiple meanings to her words. Either way he had only one response, "Anything."
Pulling back, she glanced at him briefly before her eyes strayed to his lips and she placed a hand on the back of his head, guiding him into another kiss.
Now he was certain no one had ever touched him quite like this before. It was as though her lips contained electricity that pulsed into him with her every movement. It was fire and ecstasy and he worried that he may spontaneously combust any second, right there in her foyer.
It lacked the desperation of earlier, but was no less intense. Her lips felt softer, her movements gentler. Perhaps it was the tension that had left her body, but she felt somehow lighter in his arms. Or maybe it was just the weight that seemed to lift from his shoulders in her presence.
Her fingers tangled in his hair, drawing him insistently closer as her gentle movements quickly progressed into demanding ones, making him forget entirely about the drugs his body craved. This was a far more powerful drug.
He wanted to touch her, like she had touched him. He wanted to make her feel, like she made him feel.
Spencer ran his hands down and across her back, the warmth of her skin igniting his own. He didn't even notice JJ had pulled him away from the front door and around a corner until his body hit a wall with a soft thud.
She moaned into his mouth and the vibration sent shivers up his spine.
They were both flushed and breathing hard by the time she pulled back to undo the top buttons of his dress shirt with surprising deftness, and he could only mumble in response to the fleeting kisses she left on his chest as she went.
The light from the foyer lamp hardly reached whatever area of the apartment they were in now, but this time he wasn't so afraid of the darkness.
JJ pushed the shirt off his shoulders, letting it fall to the ground behind him. Its thin fabric had left him slightly chilly all night, since Garcia refused to let him within a hundred feet of a nightclub in a sweater-vest, apparently for his own protection.
He was anything but chilly now, and was grateful for its loss despite the fact that it left him half-dressed in JJ's apartment.
He was hit by a sudden bout of shyness when her hand strayed to his corduroys, cupping him through his pants. Now he was acutely aware of just how close she was, of how little clothing he was actually wearing and exactly how limited his experience in this department was.
She ran her hands up his chest, leaving a fiery sensation across his skin as she went, and whispered in his ear "Just relax."
She stepped back from him and for a moment he feared she wouldn't return, but he watched her hands reach for the straps of her dress, pushing them off her slender shoulders and allowing the dress to slide down her body, pooling on the floor around her ankles.
He was both terrified and overwhelmed with desire, completely unable to make his body move. She stood before him like some ethereal goddess, clad only in black lacy undergarments, high heels and moonlight.
She stepped over her discarded dress and took one of his hands, dragging him with her into a bedroom while her other hand busied itself by guiding his mouth back down to her own.
He faltered as the backs of his knees came into contact with the edge of a bed, her bed, and he fell gracelessly backwards, taking her with him. She never wavered in her movements, never stopped to breathe, only ground her body on top of him causing them both to gasp at the contact.
Spencer was unsure of himself, completely out of his element. He couldn't breathe, but he didn't care.
She took his hand in hers, guiding it across her skin, over the curve of her breast, encouraging his exploration with breathy sighs and gasps. He followed her lead, setting out to discover new ways of producing the soft, sensual noises she was making.
After what felt like an eternity, she pulled away and unbuttoned his corduroys, sliding a hand into them and causing his head to fall back and a groan to escape him.
Her pace became suddenly urgent and she tugged at the waist of his pants, trying to move them down, so he lifted his hips to help her as she shoved them down his thighs. She moved away from the bed for a moment, returning with a condom, and pushed him back down into the mattress.
She slipped out of her heels and he kicked off his shoes. Before a minute could pass, they were both free of their clothing and writhing against the sheets, searching out every inch of skin that had previously been denied them.
The air in the room was heavy and electric, punctuated by the sounds of their breathing.
He didn't expect the sudden sensation of her hand wrapped around his hard length, didn't expect the unbelievable warmth as she guided him into her, abruptly dropping herself down, her inner muscles pulling him impossibly deeper.
It was overwhelming and mind-blowing, and he couldn't quite remember his name but he remembered hers and it became a mantra on his lips.
For a brief moment, memories of all the gruesome crime scenes and broken lives, the emptiness that seemed to permeate every aspect of his life, of the lives of each person he encountered in his work, seemed to lift from his mind as she surrounded him completely. He felt safe.
Then she moved.
His eyes snapped open, his body suddenly intensely alert to every shift of hers. His hands caressed her encouragingly, revelling in the feel of her muscles shifting beneath her skin.
Without warning, she reversed their positions, rolling him on top of her, and digging her heels into the backs of his thighs.
She began crying out to god as he thrust into her, his lips against her neck, producing the friction his body demanded.
Whether the spell they seemed to be under would last only for tonight, he couldn't say, but he was determined to make it last as long as possible. Spencer never wanted to stop touching her, stop breathing her in like oxygen. He didn't even need oxygen, just her touch, just her lips, just her. Suddenly she shuddered violently beneath him, his name escaping her lips in a sigh and clenched tightly around him. The combination of sensations overwhelmed him, sending him hurtling over the edge with her as lights exploded behind his eyelids.
After his mind had cleared enough to allow some coherence to his thoughts, he rolled off of her so as not to trap her beneath him.
A flicker of doubt filled his mind then, as he wondered desperately if this had been a selfish pursuit. If in some way he had risked too much this time, laying all his cards on the table and betting his friendship with her out of desperation to lessen his loneliness. He couldn't live with himself if she resented him for it.
Before his thoughts could get away from him though, he felt JJ move next to him, curling her body into his and draping an arm across him. Within moments her breathing had evened out and she was asleep with her head resting in the curve of his neck. With her sleeping form warm against him, he couldn't help but relinquish his doubts for a while and embrace the contentment she offered.
He was still lost and falling and drowning, only now he knew he wasn't alone in it.
The rain had resumed its hold on the city and he listened to its gentle, reassuring sound entwined with their steady heartbeats.
In the quiet hours of the night before sleep pulled him under, Spencer wondered if maybe life was more than just breathing. More than just animal survival and trivial mediocrity, nature versus nurture and passing time.
Maybe everything did happen for a reason.