A/N: Sorry for not updating for a while, but I got caught up in other things; like finals.
By the way, did you know Perry the Platypus has been working out?
Disclaimer: I'll just keep it simple; I don't own Phineas and Ferb or MIB.
Chapter 3:
Would You Like A New Life?
Phineas staggered out of the pawn shop, still trying to understand what just happened. He walked over to F and said "Okay, the eyelids…fine. And the climbing thing…and the gun…okay. But the head?" F nodded and smiled, liking where this was going. "See, a head doesn't do that." said Phineas "It just doesn't grow back." "I can't help you, kid." said F "The only comfort I can offer is that tomorrow, you won't remember a thing." "Oh, no." said Phineas "I'm gonna remember this for a long time." F pulled the neuralyzer from his pocket. Then, he hesitated for the briefest of moments, as if this neuralyzation was somehow different from the thousands of others he had performed for the last fifty years. Then, he shook it off and put on his sunglasses. He pointed the neuralyzer at Phineas and said "You ever seen one of these before?" and presses the button
Later, in a Chinese restaurant, Phineas and F were talking and laughing stupidly. F had taken Phineas to the restaurant after neuralyzing him, and told him that he had gotten too drunk and had started seeing things. After a while, F stood up and left, leaving Phineas sitting there, very confused. While he was sitting there, Phineas noticed a small business card on the table where F had been sitting. He picked it up and looked at it. It read, in handwritten letters, "Phineas D. Edwards, Saturday, 9 A.M., 504 Battery Drive." On the back, there was nothing except three small, blocky letters in the middle of the card: MIB.
Meanwhile, on a small farm in upstate New York farm country, a man inside a farmhouse was arguing with his wife. Then, one of the stars started getting closer and closer. The star turned into a flaming projectile heading straight for the farm! "You're useless Beatrice!" shouted the man "The only thing that pulls weight around here is my truck!" Then, the fireball lands right on the man's pickup truck, instantly destroying it. The man rushed outside with a shotgun in his hands. He went over to the crater that was where his truck used to be, and he saw a smooth, shiny spaceship inside the crater! A loud, alien voice spoke to him from inside the crater. "Put projectile weapon on the ground." The voice said. The man, amazed, points his gun into the crater and shouted "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!" There was silence for a moment before the voice said "Your proposal is acceptable." Suddenly, a long, hairy pincher came out of the hole, grabbed him by the head, and pulled him into the hole! Then, there was a loud ripping sound and the man's skin flew out of the hole and landed on the ground next to some remains of the truck. Inside the house, Beatrice was waiting for her husband to return. Then, he came back inside with a lopsided look on his face, and he was walking strangely. "What was it, Edgar?!" "Sugar." He responded in a somewhat different voice. "I've never seen sugar do that." She said, looking outside at the remains of the truck. "Give me sugar." Edgar corrected. Beatrice, confused by his unusual request, went over to the cabinet and got out a bag of sugar. "In water." Edgar confirmed. She got out a glass of water and started pouring sugar into it. When she stopped, Edgar took the sugar-water and downed it all in one gulp. Then, Beatrice noticed that the skin around his neck was hanging loose. "Edgar! Your skin! It's hanging off your bones!" she said. Edgar looked in a mirror, twisted his entire face, and tucked the skin on his neck down into his shirt collar. "That better?" he asked. Beatrice gasped, and then fainted from shock. Edgar went back outside and dragged the crashed spaceship from the crater with superhuman strength, then proceeded to roll the ship on its side and roll it somewhere he could fix it. Whatever had been in that spaceship had stolen Edgar's skin and was wearing it like a suit! And by the looks of it, that thing wasn't from Earth!
The next day, Phineas went to the address on the card that F had left behind. The building that it indicated was seven stories high, utterly windowless, perfectly square, and looked completely out of place, yet, it also looked like it could blend in almost anywhere on the planet. Phineas nervously opened the door and went inside. Inside, there was a long hallway with huge air vent intakes on one side. There was a guard reading a comic book about halfway across the hall, and Phineas tried not to disturb him, but his footsteps echoed through the long hallway. The guard looked up and asked him "Can I help you?" "Maybe," said Phineas "You see, I got this card…" The guard stopped him, as if he had heard this sort of thing before. "Elevator." He said "Push the "call" button." The guard then went back to his comic book, and Phineas, mainly out of pure curiosity at this point, went over to the elevator and stepped inside. He pushed the "call" button on the elevator panel and waited for something to happen. Another pair of doors opened silently behind Phineas, who was completely unaware that they had opened. Someone cleared his throat behind him, and Phineas turned around to find himself facing a room with six people sitting in egg-shaped chairs; one chair was empty, the one for him. "You're late." Said a man at the front of the room, wearing the same suit F had been wearing the night before. His name was Zed, and from the looks of things, appeared to be the person in charge. Phineas sat down in the empty chair as Zed explained that they were here because they were looking for "the best of the best of the best." Then, they were all given a written test, but not a surface to write on. They were all struggling, but Phineas was probably struggling the most, seeing as not having a surface to write on was driving him crazy. Then, Phineas got up and dragged a table over to his chair, noisily scraping the ground. Zed looked at Phineas questioningly, and then looked at a figure behind a smoked glass window, who was just staring unemotionally.
Next, they were taken into a blank room with a table in the middle with seven weapons on top, one for each of the seven recruits, and each with only one bullet. For a moment, nothing happened. But then, the two far walls of the room opened up and strange lights and shapes started moving around the room. Hideous alien shapes started popping up, and the recruits lunged for the weapons, firing at the alien shapes. Phineas just stood there while the other six recruits fired their shots. Then, Phineas raised the gun and fired at one of the targets. There was an awkward silence right before two doors opened and Zed walked in. "What the heck happened?" he asked Phineas. "Hesitated, sir." answered Phineas. Zed looked at the gallery; a large, snarling beast had three bullet holes in it, as well as a massively deformed creature with a large hook for a head. In the corner of the gallery, a single bullet hole was placed in the forehead of an eight-year-old girl. "May I ask why you felt little Suzy deserved to die?" asked Zed. "She was the only one who seemed dangerous at the time, sir." said Phineas. "And how did you come to that conclusion?" asked Zed. Phineas pointed at the hook-headed alien; "Hook-head guy." Said Phineas "Can you explain how a guy can think with a hook for a head? Answer: that's not his head, his head is that ugly thing over there." He pointed at a small lump next to the side wall. "And, if you look at the snarling beast guy, he's not snarling, he's sneezing - - he's got tissues in his hand." Then, he pointed at the girl, "Anyway, the girl's books are way too advanced for an eight-year-old's." Phineas pointed at the books in the girl's hands, which were about Astrology, Physics, and Quantum Mechanics. "And besides, from where I'm looking, she was the only one who had a motive. And I don't appreciate you giving me a hard time about it." Phineas finished, to a now very surprised Zed. "Or, uh…do I owe her an apology?"
In the observation room, Zed and F looked out of the smoked glass window at the recruits, who were still in the shooting gallery, waiting for a decision. Zed and F were talking about Phineas, and F was defending him. "He's got a real problem with authority." said Zed. "So do I." said F "The guy ran down a cephlapoid, Zed. On foot." Zed looked at F with surprise. "Tenacity;" said F "that, I can use." "I hope you know what you're doing." said Zed, walking out.
In the shooting gallery, a door opened, and Zed walked in. "Congratulations," said Zed "you're everything we've come to expect from years of government training. Now if you'll just follow me, we have one more test to administer, an eye exam." The recruits followed Zed out of the gallery, and Phineas was the last one, but he stopped as soon as he got into the hallway. F was standing there, waiting for him. "You!" said Phineas "What's goin' on?" F gestured for Phineas to follow him down the hall, which he did. "Back in the mid-fifties, the government started a little underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of making contact with a race not of this planet." said F as he guided Phineas down the hall. They passed a room in the hall; Phineas looked into it and saw the six other recruits getting the "eye exam" that Zed had told them about. They were all looking at the tip of a neuralyzer that Zed was holding. Suddenly, F jerked Phineas back, away from the room, just as the neuralyzer flashed. As they walked, F explained to Phineas about how the organization got started and told him that the planet was being used to house aliens that didn't have a planet. He handed Phineas a picture of the 1964 World's Fair, with them topping the two tall towers with flying saucers, which F had explained were real. "The 1964 World's Fair was a cover-up?" asked Phineas. "Why else would we hold it in Queens?" said F. They turned into a different hallway; F said "More nonhumans arrive every year. They live among us, in secret." 'Great,' Phineas thought 'I went through this whole thing just to find out that this guy is crazy!' "Look," said Phineas, wanting out "thanks for the amusing morning, but could you show me the door. 'Cause this is where I take my leave." They stopped at a small, unmarked door in the hall. "Yeah, sure." said F "I just wanna grab a coffee while we're right here." He threw open the door, and inside was a small kitchenette. Phineas stared in amazement at three worm-like alien creatures gathered around a water cooler, having a conversation in a language that was definitely not English. F went inside and said to one of the worms "Please don't tell me we only have the same powdered stuff for cream again?" The worm answered him with something that sounded like a combination of Esperanto and microphone feedback. "Oh." said F, apparently understanding him. He walked over to the counter and dumped some of the cream into his coffee. As he walked back over to Phineas, who was standing there with his jaw hanging open, he said "Close your mouth, kid. You'll catch flies."
Phineas and F were sitting on a long bench in Battery Park, discussing the stuff that Phineas now realized was real. "Why the big secret?" asked Phineas "People are smart, they can handle it." F put down his coffee and shook his head. "A person is smart. People are dumb." he said "Everything they've ever "known" has been proven to be wrong. A thousand years ago everybody knew as a fact, that the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, they knew it was flat. Fifteen minutes ago, you knew we humans were alone on it. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow." Phineas looked at him; if people couldn't know about this, then why was he telling him it? "What's the catch?" asked Phineas. "What you'll gain in perspective, you'll lose in ways you're too young to comprehend." said F "You give up everything. Sever every human contact. No one will know you exist. Ever." Phineas was shocked. "Nobody?" he asked. "You're not even allowed a favorite shirt." said F. They stared at each other for a while before Phineas asked "Is it worth it?" F stood up and said "You've got 'till sun-up. If you find out before then, you let me know." Then, F turned around and walked away. Phineas sat there for a few hours, thinking about his decision. Finally, after two hours of thinking, he made up his mind. Then, he stood up and started heading home.
Again, sorry for keeping you all waiting for so long, but you would not believe how hard the Evil 101 final is, so I had to study, study, study!
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Until next time, HeinzDoofenshmirtz is out! Peace!