You've Never What?

by JustInunotaisho

Bachelor parties for a certain king of Gondor are anything but sane. Who has the most surprises when a game of I Never is combined with a keg? Nonslash and dang proud of it. Formerly on hiatus, now finished with song but not dance.

3. Chapter 3

A/N: Flets are Elfish treehouses. Ahem. Apologies for the misposted full story in this chapter before. My computer hates me. I do not own Lord of the Rings.

The next day, all of Gondor and the Lords of Rohan and the Elven lands gathered to witness the marriage of Arwen and King Aragorn. Everyone agreed the wedding was a beautiful one, even if the groom did look a bit pale from the aftereffects of his bachelor party. When the officiator asked if anyone objected to the union, Gimli's hand twitched toward the ceremonial axe strapped across his back and Legolas smoothed his white tunic, his slender hands lingering for a moment on his shoulder near his sheathed knives.

If there were any who were not in favor, the sight of a hung over dwarf must have driven the courage straight from their minds and the wedding finished without a hitch, except for Pippin developing a case of hiccups near the end that nearly drowned out the last "I do."

After the ceremony and follow up cheers, the King and his new bride led the way to the reception area. Sun glittered off the silverware on long tables covered in embroidered cloths. The best of game and fish and all manner of fruits and vegetables prepared in delicious dishes graced the tables. All the guests and subjects ate and talked as the married couple made their rounds and thanked each one for coming.

"Gimli, you still have not learned your lesson."

The dwarf looked up from his mug and snorted. He frowned at Legolas as the Mirkwood prince took a silver goblet from the nearby table and poured himself some wine. "Ah, so ye're drinking wine? Must have reached your limit last night, eh?"

"Well, since I had to cart your drunken form off to bed, you are lucky that I have a larger capacity for ale than you," replied Legolas, taking a placid sip.

Before the dwarf could retort, Elrond joined them. The Elf lord of Rivendell nodded to both and likewise took a cup. "Good morning to you both."

"My lord Elrond," Legolas bowed his head respectfully. "Is it my imagination?" he asked. "Or does the father of the bride appear tired?"

Rolling his black-ringed eyes, Elrond swirled the wine in his goblet. "I slept well until I awoke after midnight with an idiot yelling about 'Sauron's hemerrhoidal backside" or some nonsense." His eyes flicked over at Gimli as the dwarf let out a cough that sounded suspiciously like a snigger. Turning back to a slightly red Legolas, Elrond tilted his head. "My imagination sparked and the sheer horror kept sleep from returning. By the way, how was Aragorn's bachelor party last night?"

"Amusin'," piped up Gimli. "'Tis amazin' what a game o' 'I Never' can reveal about certain Elves and their childhoods-OUCH!"

"Oh, dear!" Legolas put his hand on the dwarf's shoulder. "Was that your foot? I am dreadfully sorry."

Elrond's eyes, meanwhile, took on a faraway look that held a mixture of happiness and pure evil. "Ah, yes, that old game. Well do I remember the times I played it…"

"You?" Legolas's eyes widened. Gimli stopped glaring at him to look surprised. "You have played 'I Never' as well?"

"Certainly. It has been some time – nearly three centuries. Still," finished Elrond. "There must be some things I still have yet to experience…" his voiced trailed off and the two caught the hint.

"I have never," began Gimli. "Worn a butterfly barette."

"For your information, Gimli, Son of Gloin, the word is clip. Butterfly clip. Not barette." Elrond looked most offended but nevertheless drank. Clearing his throat, he declared took his turn. "I have never had an uncle captured by three trolls."

"Oi! You should be lucky Bilbo was captured!" put in Frodo, appearing at Legolas's side with a small half pint. Despite a slight pallid tinge to his skin, the hobbit seemed none the worse for wear and wore his "Rivendell Fellowship Bathtub Cleaners – Say Goodbye To Rings" vest with pride. "After all, Sting helped Sam with Shelob and Uncle Bilbo found it in that troll cave."

"Very true. Well, then. I have never pushed someone into a river." Elrond looked around expectantly and his eyes sparkled with mirth when, turning scowls upon each other, Legolas and Gimli both drank, followed by Frodo, who chuckled. "Ah, a fond memory, Master Baggins?" the lord of Rivendell asked.

"It was after Uncle Bilbo left," recounted the hobbit, an evil smirk playing 'round his lips. "One of those lazy Sackville-Bagginses was sitting on the bridge railing, fishing. Now, Robin Smallburrow had asked all the younger hobbits to keep off the railings as they were in need of repair. If less hobbits sat on them, they'd last longer and it wouldn't cost so much to replace them. But," he rolled his eyes. "The Sackville-Baggins think themselves very fine and have all the rights and none of the responsibilities. I was walking past, mentioned he shouldn't sit there, and he gave a bit of a sniff and told me to mind my own business."

Eyebrows quirking in a knowing manner, Frodo raised his mug as he finished. "And about five minutes later, a tiny, invisible fairy gave him a bit of a push and he had his first bath in months." With that, he took another drink. "I have never asked for a lock of someone's hair."

"Ye're not going to let that go, are ye?" Gimli began, but his eyes caught sight of Legolas fixing an expression on Frodo akin to the one an Elf fixes on a younger sibling when the latter accidentally breaks their favorite comb.

"Master Baggins-" even Elrond shuddered at the chilliness that passed over them at Legolas's tone. "I believe I asked you not to divulge that bit of information."

"Did you?" asked the hobbit, his baby-blue eyes widening and blinking rapidly. "Have I? It seems to me that I merely stated a fact."

"Out with it, you silver-tongued Elfling!" roared Gimli in delight.

"No," refused the Elf in a flat denial. "I am weary of being made fun of."

"And whose fault is that?" Elrond bit his lip to keep from grinning. "You chose to have an…active…life, after all."

All his tendencies toward smiling vanished as a deep elderly voice cut in, "For my part, I have never fallen off a flet."

The lord of Rivendell turned and locked gazes with Gandalf. With a calm smile, the white-clad Istari swirled the ale in his mug, leaning on his staff. "How in the name of Shelob's Fungus-Encrusted Toenail Clippings do you know about that?" Elrond demanded.

Gimli nudged Legolas. "Hey, that sounds almost familiar, eh?"

"Amazing as it is, I will not have to drink this round," retorted Legolas.

Following his sip of ale, Lord Elrond preferred to remain silent on the matter, save for an obscure comment along the lines of "elf wine, dance lessons for beginners, and flets should not mix."

"I have never charged a horde of Uruk Hai while singing 'The Battle of Amon Hen.'"

Gimli gulped his drink, set the empty mug on the table, and picked up another full one. "What's wrong with that?" he asked Legolas, shrugging.

"Somehow, I expected a more stirring war ballad than that…" Eomër approached, his sister and Faramir arm in arm and in tow.

Eowyn raised her glass of wine. "I have never braided my sister's hair to her bedpost."

"What? Hey!" protested Eomër. "You don't have a sister, so you can't say that!"

"See that?" She tapped the rim of his mug. "Put your lips there and drink."

With a groan, the new king of Rohan grudgingly complied. "And I have never been bitten in the rear by a horse," he retorted. Then the reality of what he said hit him and he winced, feeling a subsequent glare knifing toward him from Legolas's direction.

"Twice in two days, eh?" Gandalf reached over and tapped a serving man on the shoulder, motioning to the empty tray of boar and blueberry morsels he had been steadily depleting since the exchange of vows. Nodding in understanding, the waiter carried the tray away and brought out a full one.

This time, Eowyn groaned and drank, then cast a strange look at Legolas when he followed suit. "Legolas?"

"I was forced to tell it once already."

"Honestly." Elrond tut-tutted, his wine goblet nestled between his fingers. "I do not know what Elfdom is coming to these days."

"These days?" Gandalf's voice radiated sugar and spice and too much sarcasm to say anything nice. "These days, Master Elrond, Lord of Rivendell?" His blue eyes glittered with the relish of imminent revelation. Or perhaps they were watery from the spice on the Boar and Blueberry Paté.

"I beg your pardon, Mithrandier? I do not – oh…Oh, my. Crud."

"Indeed. I have never snuck into a wizard's room during the night, filled his hat with Elfin InstaShave while he was sleeping, and then screamed that his bed was aflame."

Silence had just enough life to be broken by Elrond's loud gulp from his goblet, then shattered when the whole group dissolved into hysterics. The abashed lord of Rivendell chuckled, an uncharacteristic wry look on his face.

"But how?" asked Frodo, his breath regained at last. "Surely he would have noticed his hat had been filled with the stuff?"

"No," corrected Elrond. "That shaving cream sticks together very well and it is Mordor to remove from one's clothes. I shouted 'Fire!' and he sprang out of bed, snatched up his hat, and jammed it securely on his head. To make matters worse, he not only failed to notice the cream at first but also, he ran smack into the door jam in an attempt to flee and it squirted out from under his hat brim and down his neck."

"Needless to say," cut in the Istari over the resumption of the gigglefest. "The very next time a certain young Elf Lord went swimming, he returned to the bank to find all of his clothes Orc Breaded."

"'Orc Breaded?'" Frodo's brow wrinkled with confusion as Faramir let out a sympathetic whistle and Eowyn snickered. "What's that?"

"'Tis where ye take their clothes, tie them up in knots, an' dunk them in water." Gimli grinned with evil glee. "Nearly impossible to untie them afterwards."

The game continued on and on. At last, as the stock of ale and wine grew closer towards extinction, Gandalf, leaning heavily on his staff to keep himself upright by this time, raised his goblet. "I have never been kicked out of a wedding reception for singing The Battle of Amon Hen."

"Well, that leaves me out," shrugged Faramir. He turned to Gimli. "What about you?"

The dwarf swayed on his feet, appearing faintly disconcerted. "Me neither."

"Nor me," said Legolas.

"I know he hasn't," volunteered Eowyn, the Rohirrim woman steadying her incoherent brother and keeping him from falling not-so-softly to the stone courtyard. "Neither have I."

Frodo and Elrond shook their heads.

No one spoke, but exchanged glances. There had always been someone who had done something. No round before passed without someone drinking.

"Whadda we do now?" Frodo blinked. Carefully. With great contemplation. "'S th' game over?"

Setting his goblet down with a purposeful clink, Gandalf produced his long-stemmed pipe from his sleeve and tapped it against the table. "I vote that we remedy the situation."

"Well shed!" bellowed Gimli. Eomër woke up and bellowed something approximating agreement.

Legolas covered his eyes in despair. "Um, I think there's one small flaw with that idea-"

Whatever protest he might have voiced was overruled as the group broke into a deafening and ten-miles-off key rendition of The Battle of Amon Hen. Looking up in exasperation, his keen eyes caught sight of a mouse, caught in the claws of an eagle. If the mouse had the eyes of an elf, he might have looked down and met that gaze and would have been surprised to find envy in Legolas's for the mouse's imminent end.

Oblivious to the elf's agony, the group sang.

In 3017, we took a little spin

Along with Aragorny down the mighty Anduin

Had a little Lembas and a bush stop now and then

And fought the ugly Uruks near the top of Amon Hen

Paddled our oars and Gimli was a-hurnlin'

Landed on the shores and fought bloody hard

Uruks grabbed the hobbits, then set to squirrlin'

'cross land o' Rohan, back to Isengard

Old Frodo had to toss the mount a ring

So he went off with Sam and didn't say a thing

The rest of us played Yahtzee and did our card tricks

The orcs showed up just as Leggy rolled a six

Paddled our oars and Gimli was a-hurnlin'

Landed on the shores and fought bloody hard

Uruks grabbed the hobbits, then set to squirrlin'

'cross land o' Rohan, back to Isengard

Ten minutes later, there was carnage everywhere

Silly string on armor and pizza in our hair

With shortstuff Pippin yelling "Come on, ye blarney lad"

The Uruks drew machetes and things got rather bad

Paddled our oars and Gimli was a-hurnlin'

Landed on the shores and fought bloody hard

Uruks grabbed the hobbits, then set to squirrlin'

'cross land o' Rohan, back to Isengard

Yeah, they ran over hill and over Chippendale

They trampled flower gardens and the odd wandering Bard

Stopped for a bit to argue over dinner

Died in land 'o Rohan, close to Isengard

We fought and roared 'til our breath ran out

Then they kidnapped two and began a hasty rout

On the backs of two, they tied the hobbits on

And then began the chase of the Rohan Marathon

Paddled our oars and Gimli was a-hurnlin'

Landed on the shores and fought bloody hard

Uruks grabbed the hobbits, then set to squirrlin'

'cross land o' Rohan, back to Isengard

Yeah, they ran over hill and over Chippendale

They trampled flower gardens and the odd wandering Bard

Stopped for a bit to argue over dinner

Died in land 'o Rohan, close to Isengard

It worked. But as Legolas surmised, they were kicked out and unable to finish the game anyway.

The End

A/N: After hearing The Battle of New Orleans for the fifty-seventh time or somewhere thereabouts, I looked up the year in which the Fellowship existed. When I discovered it ended in "-teen," heaven opened up and bounced individually wrapped cheese slices off my head until I relented and wrote the following ditty. It might not go along with the notes very well, but there it is. Anyway, phew! Done at last. I never planned to continue it this far anyway so it took me an eternity to come up with. Hope you enjoyed it.