Last chapter! A long time coming I know but it's here so enjoy it!
Ch.3 One Day All Will Know
(CLARE)
I can't seem to stop crying, continuing to sob with Adam stroking one arm and someone else, Owen I think, stroking the other. When I hear the angry voice of my ex turned stepbrother I cower into Adam a little more.
"Someone want to tell me what the fuck is going on?! I get home and find a voicemail on my phone that says Clare's in the hospital after being attacked!" Jake growls and I stop crying to look up at him.
"Calm the fuck down you are not helping her," Owen scolds him in a harsh voice.
"What happened?" Jake questions in a calmer voice.
I look at Adam and then hide my head again; I don't want to tell Jake, I don't want to repeat it again. I don't want to think about it again, I just want to fade away.
"She went to a party near our house, this guy tried to rape her and she fought back. She stabbed him with a shard of glass and nearly cut through her hand doing it. Sh…"
"No her hand pretty much was cut clean through I saw it when she came to my house," Drew speaks up. "She was bleeding and hysterical and the guy is dead now," Drew says and I burst into tears again. An arm comes around me, it's too muscular to be Adam, I think it's Owen.
"She wasn't going to let herself get raped like Darcy and she was full of adrenaline, now she has to live with the fact that she took a life, even if it was to save her own," Adam says and then I hear the doctor clear his throat and barely peek up to look at him.
"You're ready to be discharged Clare, Mrs. Torres is insisting that you will heal better at her house than the hospital. I've spoken with them both about care and when to bring you back, you'll have to come back to have your hand looked at, and you'll physical therapy in a few weeks. I've given Mrs. Torres all your medications so an orderly will be in shortly to take you out," the doctor says.
"Why are you going to the Torres house?" Jake asks.
"Because she'll be taken care of there, you can see her at school tomorrow but right now she needs to rest. You might want to try and get ahold of your parents to let them know what happened," Adam comments and his tone has a slight edge of hardness to it.
"I'll see you tomorrow Clare, everything will be fine I'm sure of it," Jake tells me with a worried tone.
I hear him leave and look at the others, still wiping the tears from my eyes, "I don't think I have any clothes."
"Probably not yours were covered in blood and dirt and you only had one shoe which is still at our place," Drew comments.
"Here," Owen says taking off his Ice Hounds jacket and handing it to me. "It will at least cover you until we're back at Drew's. I'm sure they'll let you wear the hospital gown out but I can go by your house and grab you some clothes," Owen offers.
"Yes please but Bianca will you please go with him, you know what I'll need," I request.
"Yeah no problem I wouldn't trust Owen to pick out clothes for you anyway," she grins and Owen grimaces at her.
"Get her enough for a few days, a week would be good," Drew instructs.
"Got it we'll see you back at your place," Owen replies letting go of me. I didn't realize how comforting his embrace was until it was gone.
"I could have gone to your house to get you clothes," Eli speaks up after Bianca and Owen leave.
"You should probably get home anyway Eli," Adam says.
"Yeah I guess, I'll see you at school tomorrow Clare," Eli tells me getting up from his seat. He starts to kiss me and then stops himself and hugs me instead.
We say goodbye and then Drew and Adam help me to get Owen's jacket on. I can only get one arm in the sleeve since the other is in a sling but they zip it up just as an orderly comes in with Audra.
"Oh I didn't think about getting clothes for you," Audra comments as the orderly helps me into the wheelchair.
"Owen and Bianca went to Clare's house to get clothes and essentials for her," Drew tells his mom.
"Good Omar's at the house, we've set up Adam's room for you," Audra says and I nod.
I feel numb, like I'm sleepwalking almost and none of this is really happening. I'm trying not to think because if I think I'll think about the fact that I took someone's life. The orderly pushes me outside, I begin to stand but my legs feel weak and I'm still barefoot. Dallas comes over and picks me up; I let him, putting my arms around his neck. I ride in back with Adam and Dallas while Drew sits up front and Audra talks all the way home. I do a lot of nodding but I'm not really listening. Drew carries me into the house since I'm barefoot but sets me down as soon as we're inside.
"Dinner's ready, Clare should rest you kids can eat in the basement," Omar says when we get inside.
Adam puts an arm around me and we go down to the basement, Owen and Bianca come while we're eating, they bring in a suitcase for me and join us for dinner. Alli calls Adam and he tells her I need to rest and they can see me tomorrow. I sit there and eat slowly, watch TV and listen to the others talking but it's like I'm not here. When I killed that boy I killed a part of myself, I kept myself from being raped but at what cost? Would it have been better to suffer the rape and live in my torment alone? Be the victim instead of a killer? I watched my sister go through the aftermath of a rape she couldn't even remember, and when I was being attacked my only thought was I couldn't go through that but I don't think this is any better.
Owen and Bianca leave after dinner, saying they'll see us at school tomorrow. We watch TV for a while longer before going to bed. Adam takes me up to his room and helps me with my pajamas. Owen told me to keep his coat and bring it to him tomorrow. It feels funny to have Adam help me with my pajamas but since I only have one hand right now it's somewhat necessary. Anyway better Adam than Drew or Dallas and I know Adam won't look. He tells me to come get them if I need anything, he gives me some water and the pills the doctor sent home with me including something to help me sleep. I lie down and Adam turns off the light, the medication works as I fall asleep quickly.
"Clare," someone shakes me awake.
My mind is weak and numb with drugs, the events of Saturday night so fresh in my mind and the pain in my hand hasn't started yet. Unaware of my surroundings for the moment I jolt up with a gasp and push away what I perceive as an attacker!
"No leave me alone!" I shriek trying to hit him but my arm is caught.
"Clare it's me, it's Adam you're safe," he says in a calming voice putting his arm around me.
I blink my eyes and look around, I'm in Adam's room and he's on the bed holding me. I realize my arm is in a sling, it suddenly begins to hurt this horrendous burning pain, I burst into to tears crumpling up and holding Adam with my good hand. I'm not even sure why I burst into tears but I can't seem to stop they just keep coming.
"What's going on?" Audra's voice asks from the doorway.
"She was confused when she woke up, she'll be okay in a minute," Adam tells his mom, "I think."
I force myself to stop crying, swallowing in my tears and taking a deep breath. After a few seconds and a lot of scolding myself to stop crying I manage.
"I'm okay, I'm sorry I pushed you," I apologize to Adam.
"It's fine, are you sure you want to go to school today?" Adam questions and I nod.
Audra tells Adam to get some clothes and start getting ready for school. She stays in the room to help me dress, I can do most of it but there are certain things that simply aren't doable with one hand. After I'm dressed I go downstairs to join the boys for breakfast, they all look over at me and I look down. Every time someone looks at me I fear that all they're thinking is that I killed someone, it's what I'm thinking when I see myself in the mirror.
I don't eat; I just sit there stirring my cereal until Audra tells us to go to school. Drew drives and we sit in silence all the way to school. I'm not sure how many people know or what they've heard but when we start walking into school I can hear people whispering and I feel like everyone is looking at me.
"Ignore them Clare, they know nothing," Adam whispers to me but Drew and Dallas also stand a little closer to me.
"Hey Clare are you okay? Dad told me he went to the hospital to see you, what happened?" Dave asks coming over to us.
"Not so much and it's a long story. What are people saying?" Adam answers for me.
"All kinds of things don't worry about it the rumors will die down," Dave assures me and joins our group as we walk inside.
"Hey how's the hand?" Bianca questions appearing suddenly along with Owen. Bianca kisses Drew while Owen tips my chin up to look in my eyes.
"How do you feel?" Owen questions and all I can do is shrug while Adam hands him his Ice Hounds jacket.
"Somehow words already gotten around and people are talking," Eli comments joining the huddle around me.
"It's the media, the story got out that the guy died, someone at the hospital or the police force talked. Officer Turner called to warn me not to talk and there were reporters surrounding the house, it's a good thing you're staying at Adam's," Jake informs me.
"It's on the news? What are they saying?" I ask but my voice shakes.
"Don't worry about it," Jake says.
"Don't w…" I begin and nearly scream before I'm cut off by the yelling of my name. It grinds at my nerves and makes me jump.
"CLARE!"
Alli and Jenna push everyone else out of the way and hug me tightly. I whimper in pain and shrink away from them.
"Careful she nearly cut her hand off," Owen says puling Alli away from me while Adam does the same with Jenna.
"Sorry are you okay? You shouldn't have gone to a party alone what were you thinking?" Alli admonishes but in a worried tone. I can only respond by bursting into tears again, it seems to be my response to nearly everything right now.
"Oh nice going Alli you made her cry again," Drew scolds.
"It's okay," I shake my head between sobs, "I just can't seem to help it I cry a lot."
"It's fine Clare given what you went through it's perfectly understandable," Adam says.
"I'm going to the washroom I'll see you in class," I tell Adam since we have homeroom together.
"We'll go with you," Jenna says putting a hand at my back and she and Alli walk me to the washroom.
I enter the washroom and splash some water on my face; I lean against the sink and take some deep breaths. Alli and Jenna stay with me, I know they have a lot to say and a lot of questions but for the moment at least they're keeping silent.
"It's her; did you really kill that guy?" A girl asks coming in with two of her friends, they're all looking at me like I'm some circus freak or something.
"Hey shut up it's none of your business," Alli barks at them.
"It's all over the news, is it true what they're saying? What's wrong with your hand? How did you kill that guy?"
"HE WAS GOING TO RAPE ME I HAD NO CHOICE!" I scream at the girls I don't even know, push my way through them and run out bursting into tears again.
I hear Alli and Jenna calling for me but I keep running, I run to the back of the school and through the door leading to the roof. All the way up bursting out onto the roof and feeling the chilled air on my face soaked by tears. I start pacing, my hands balled into fists and my heart pounding.
"I didn't mean to kill him, I didn't mean to I just wanted him to stop I couldn't just let myself get raped and go through what Darcy went through I didn't mean for him to die!" I rant to the sky in my agitation.
I'm up there pacing for some time and I don't hear the door opening or know that anyone else is up here until Owen's voice startles me.
"So is the roof just the place where the Edwards girls come to breakdown?"
I gasp and turn to face him, I'm shaking and crying still but I wipe my tears away looking at him with my eyebrows pinched together.
"How'd you know about Darcy?" I question as he approaches me slowly.
"I was going to school here at the time and friends with Johnny; Fitz was in his gang remember?" Owen points out; he's right next to me now. He's not touching me but he's close enough I can feel the heat from his body, a part of me wants to jump into his arms and have him hold me, of course another part of me wants to jump off the roof and just end it all.
"I just needed some air, I thought I could handle school but everyone is looking at me as that girl that killed someone! I didn't mean to kill him! I didn't want to kill him! I wasn't trying to kill him I just wanted him to stop but no one cares! All they know is that I took another life! I killed someone! He's dead now because I couldn't stop! I should have just let him rape me!"
"Don't say that Clare," Owen says with a caring and worried tone that's laced with a hard edge. "You fought back out of self-defense; you were terrified and filled with adrenaline. He wanted to rape you and you had to stop him and you couldn't stop stabbing because of the adrenaline, you didn't even know your hand had been nearly sliced through. It's not your fault Clare, it sucks that he died but you didn't set out to kill him and you can't blame yourself," Owen tells me in a firm voice.
He puts his arms around me and pulls me to him, I collapse into him clinging to his shirt and sobbing. Everything that happened Saturday night replays in my head, everything that I felt comes rushing back in this tidal wave of overwhelming emotion and I can't stop the tears but they need to come.
(OWEN)
"Hey where's Clare?" I ask as Tris and I join the group of her supporters Tuesday morning at school. I see Drew and Dallas among the group but not Adam or Clare.
Yesterday after her breakdown on the roof she stuck close to me. Anytime anyone spoke about her around me I made it clear they needed to shut the hell up. So did her other supporters which included Eli and Adam of course, as well as Drew, Dallas, Bianca, Alli, Jenna, Dave, Connor, Jake, Katie, Tris, Maya and Zig. She had been picked up by her mom as soon as school was out but I knew she'd spent the night at Drew and Adam's again last night.
"She's at our place, Mom will bring her and Adam later, Officer Turner came to talk to her," Drew informs me which explains why he and Dallas are here without Adam or Clare.
"Is she being arrested?" I question.
"No I don't think so he didn't say she was being arrested just that he needed to talk to her and she'd be late for school. He told Clare her mom was on the way and Adam insisted on staying with her," Drew replies.
"Reporters were all over the house again; my dad had to get the cops to make them leave. I wish this story would just die; they keep talking about it like they know anything. In half the stories she's a hero and the other half she's went crazy and stabbed him to death for no reason. I still don't know what actually happened," Jake comments.
"Some prick tried to rape her and she fought back that's all you need to know," I respond.
We stay together until the bell, people still whisper about Clare but no one has the nerve to say anything out loud. I don't see Clare and Adam until lunch, we all eat outside and Audra drops them off, Clare's not smiling but she seems happier, sort of or maybe just less burdened. She and Adam get out of the car and come to sit with all of us.
"What'd my dad want this morning?" Dave asks her before any of the rest of us can. Clare bites her lip and looks at Adam while I get up so she can sit down.
"When the story came out a couple other girls came forward and said he had raped them. He also had a record of attempted rape and assault, because of that and the police finding plenty of evidence to show that it was attempted rape Clare's not being charged. She still has to give a formal statement which she's doing after school and I'm going with her again. The judge also mandated therapy for her," Adam tells us.
"Well that's good right? You're not being charged or even have to go to trial just a formal statement," I comment.
"And therapy and I still killed him," she says.
"In self-defense Clare," I remind her.
"Yeah and therapy's not so bad Clare," Adam tells her.
"Adam's right, I've been and Adam goes," Drew speaks up.
"Yeah I'm in therapy, most of us have been," Eli says.
"How's your hand?" I question changing the subject.
"It hurts sometimes but mostly it's just numb," she replies.
"Are you hungry?" Bianca questions.
"No we ate at the house," Adam answers for her.
After we eat we move inside but the fact that Clare isn't being charged has spread all over the school. People are talking, no one is whispering, they talk loudly and some even come right up to Clare. Most of them congratulate her or tell her it's good that she's not getting charged but a few tell her she should go to jail for taking a life. The ones that tell her that are shut up by the rest of us real quick.
"Maybe you should tell your story to the media, tell them what happened so everyone knows it was self-defense," I comment to Clare.
"Just go on the news and talk to reporters? They'll never listen," she shakes her head.
"Go on a talk show, Caitlyn Ryan used to go to the school and she's friends with Simpson I bet she'd talk to you and listen," I point out.
"Owen's right you should give your side, we can talk to Simpson see if he can call Caitlyn," Adam says.
"I guess it wouldn't hurt to talk to Caitlyn," Clare responds quietly.
The bell rings and we all take Clare, Adam and Jenna to class since they all have their next class together. Eli and I have our next class together so we walk there together but he stops me just before we go into class.
"You like her don't you?" Eli states more than asks.
"No I'm just helping, I think she was brave for fighting back and it sucks the way she's being treated," I respond looking at Clare's ex.
"You can rationalize it any way you want but I see the way you look at her. I see the way you hold her, I know that look, I know that feeling of wanting to put your arms around her, I see it in your face Owen. You can't deny it, not to me because I've been there before more than once," Eli tells me.
"I uh…" I scratch my head looking for something to say and wondering if Eli's going to hit me.
"Relax I'm not going to fight you, for what it's worth I think you'd be good for her. I don't know how to help her through this other than to be there for her, but I think that you might. I also see the way she looks at you, the way she clings to you when she needs to be held. She probably doesn't know right now because of all she's been through but she likes you too she just needs some time. Give it to her and be good to her," Eli says with a tone that's filled with as much regret as caring for Clare.
"She can have all the time she needs I'm not going anywhere," I reply to Eli with a grin, he smiles and we go into class.
I don't know when it happened but I really do like Clare, I think I liked her even before this but these last couple days made me realize how much I do care about her. Not that I'm going to tell her right now, she needs time to heal, time to find herself again and not feel so crazy. I'll be here when she's ready and I'll hold her and be here for her until then.
(CLARE)
"You sure about this Honey?" Mom asks pulling my curls until they lay over my shoulders. "You don't have to do this, we can release a prepared statement," she says straightening my blazer.
"I'm sure Mom, I need to get my side of the story out there and if I wait any longer the story's going to run away with all the rumor. It has already, Caitlyn won't bombard me with questions or sabotage me and will you stop fixing my hair the makeup lady hasn't even done it yet," I respond pulling her hand away from me.
It's Wednesday afternoon, I was nearly raped and killed a boy Saturday night, yesterday afternoon I gave my formal statement to the cops, which was not fun, and had my first therapy session this morning before school. I don't know that therapy was helping but it had only been one session and I spend most of that talking about how I felt about everything. The story had been the top story on the news and in the papers since breaking Monday morning. The police had issued an official statement and Officer Turner had done a few interviews telling my side but Ian's parents had done some too and they denied their son had ever been anything but an angel and painted me as this psychotic killer that went into a rage and stabbed their son to death. Yesterday we'd talked to Simpson asking him to contact Caitlyn and see if she'd interview me to get my side of the story. He called her and she showed up after school to arrange it.
"Mrs. Martin why don't you have a seat in the green room so I can prepare Clare for the interview," Caitlyn suggests and a P.A. takes my mother's arm to pull her into the green room.
"We can send your friends back there too," Caitlyn tells me looking at Adam and Owen. I had requested they both come with me to the interview for support.
"No I'd like them to stay," I reply.
"Alright I'll have you look over the questions while Juliet does your hair and makeup, if there's anything you don't want to answer let me know. It'll just be you and me sitting on set but your friends will be close by. Look at me and not the camera, take your time to answer each question don't be afraid to cry and be emotional. This isn't live we'll edit the footage before it's broadcast tonight," Caitlyn informs me wearing a kind smile the whole time she talks.
I nod and Owen puts his hand at my back, squeezing my shoulder in a comforting way. Owen's been more comforting than pretty much everyone, it's weird I don't even really know him and yet when I'm scared or need to be held it's Owen that I want to hold me.
I'm taken to a chair and Juliet begins doing my makeup and hair while I look over the questions Caitlyn prepared. There's nothing I have a problem answering, mostly it's just asking my side of things. She even included her introduction so I know what she's going to say. It's all about me, a little about my family and saying I'm a gifted writer and straight A student, I was on the DeGrassi Daily staff and stuff like that. She talks about Asher too but it's all accurate so I figure it should stay in there.
"We'll be waiting right here," Owen tells me when my hair and makeup is done and they're standing just behind the camera.
Adam hugs me and Caitlyn takes me to the set, it's just a love seat with a coffee table in front of it and water for both of us. Caitlyn and I both sit at an angle, facing each other with our knees nearly touching. They have me sitting so my hurt hand with the sling and cast are facing the camera. Caitlyn reminds me to breathe and then she begins by looking at the camera and making the introduction. After that she doesn't look at the camera again only me, she asks me a question and waits for me to answer. The whole process takes over three hours and it's only an hour long show with commercials so I hope the editors edit it well. By the end I'm sobbing and so emotional I can't even get off the sofa but I got out my side of the story and I feel better, at least I got it out there, I can't stop people from believing what they want but they know my side now.
"You did great Clare; it was very brave of you to tell your side. It'll air tonight at nine and if you have any concerns just let us know," Caitlyn tells me after they've turned off the cameras.
I just nod and dab my eyes with the tissues, Caitlyn gets up but soon Adam and Owen are sitting on either side of me. They put their arms around me and Owen takes my good hand, I can hear Mom talking but she seems to be telling them what they should edit out.
"I think I need to lie down after that, can we go back to your house?" I request to Adam.
"Yeah of course, I'll go tell your mom and Owen can get you to the car," Adam nods getting up from the sofa.
Owen helps me up and gets me out to the car, Adam joins us a minute later and Owen drives us back to Adam's. I intend to stay here until the reporters stop camping at my house or I stop having nightmares. I'm not crying anymore but now I feel weak and my head hurts, a dull pounding that comes from a lot of crying.
"How'd it go?" Bianca asks when we come in the basement.
"Pretty good, honestly I don't remember that much just a lot of crying on my part," I reply walking to the sofa. I lay down on the chaise part, Dallas was sitting right next to it but he gets up and Owen sits down.
"She did great, told her side and answered every question Caitlyn had," Owen says and the corner of my mouth turns up just slightly at the pride I hear in his tone.
"I knew she'd do well and not back down on anything," I hear Eli say.
Adam and Owen begin telling them about the interview and some of the things Caitlyn asked. I listen but I start to fall asleep, I turn on my side, my back to everyone and when Owen starts gently rubbing my back it only takes a few moments for me to drift to sleep.
"Clare, wake up Beautiful it's almost on," Owen whispers to me gently shaking me out of sleep.
I yawn and roll over to look at him while Adam turns on the TV, I've been asleep for nearly six hours, guess I needed it. I sit up running my fingers through my curls to tame them; I lean against the back of the sofa bringing my knees up.
"Mom saved dinner for you if you're hungry," Drew says and I nod so he gets up.
"You called me beautiful," I remark to Owen as what he said replays in my mind.
"And you are," Owen grins as the show begins and everyone goes quiet.
Drew hands me a warm plate and some water just as Caitlyn finishes the introduction. Everyone in the room already knows what happened but they still tear up or tense up at various parts. I was very pleased with how it all got edited, what they kept and how the interview came out. At the end of it Caitlyn says I was brave to tell my side of the story and having the courage to fight back. She talks about my hand and I look at it in the cast and sling, trying to move my finger tip but I can't. The show ends with statistics on rape and sexual assault and when it's over the room is clapping.
"They did it well and now everyone knows your side," Eli smiles.
"Yeah it was a good idea to do that and if anyone bugs you after that they really have problems," Bianca remarks.
"I should get home, see you tomorrow Clare," Eli says coming over to hug me.
"Yeah guess I better head out too, see you tomorrow Babe," Bianca comments kissing Drew. She hugs me and then leaves with Eli but Owen remains.
"Uh Dallas, Drew come help me with that thing in my room," Adam insists standing up.
"What thing?" Drew asks.
"Just come on," Adam responds pulling Drew up by the shirt.
The three boys who live here go upstairs and I'm left in the basement with Owen. He looks at me and sort of scratches his head uncomfortably, looks away, opens his mouth and shuts it again. All of a sudden it hits me why the other three left in such a hurry, what Owen's trying to say and I feel stupid for not realizing it sooner. I kiss his cheek and he looks at me again.
"I think I like you too, but I'm really confused right now and had a breakdown just a few nights ago," I remind him.
"I know I was there, and I don't want to push you or do anything I just want you to know I'm here and I care about you. I know you have a lot of healing to do, physically and mentally and I can wait. I'm going to Ryerson next year, just found out I got in," Owen grins.
"Owen that's great why didn't you say anything?" I ask as I maneuver so I can hug him with my good arm.
"It didn't seem important with everything else going on," he replies.
"You still should have told us, and I do need time but I don't want to live with these feelings and this fear forever either. I feel good when I'm with you so maybe we can start slow?" I request.
"I can do slow," he smiles taking my good hand and interlacing our fingers.
"How about we start with a date on Friday night, something fun but fairly calm, say The Dot for dinner and a movie at your place?"
"Sounds great," Owen grins kissing the back of my hand, "I guess I should get home I'll see you at school tomorrow."
He releases my hand and starts to get up but I catch his Ice Hounds jacket and pull him down again. He looks at me with a cocked eyebrow wondering why I pulled him back.
"Kiss me goodnight," I say as more of a demand than a request.
Owen grins wide again, his fingers resting under my chin tip it up as he takes my hand again. My good hand is still gripping his jacket as our lips collide for a sweetly tender kiss and for the first time in days I feel happy again. I still have a long way to go and a lot of healing to do but this is a step, a rather big step and one I'm enjoying.