"I'm not going back to school," I say. I slam the top of my trunk shut.
My mum flicks her wand at it. It pops open again. "Yes you are."
"No." I shut it again. "I'm not."
"Yes." She opens it again. "You are."
I shut it with force then plop down on top of it and fold my arms defiantly. "No. I'm not," I say. "You can tell me I am all day if that's what you want to do. You're not wasting anyone's time but your own."
She laughs humorlessly. "You're not quitting school, Roxanne. Get your arse up and stop acting like a child."
"Actually, I am," I say. "You can't stop me."
"Actually I can and I am. You're going back to school!" she shouts.
"What's the point?!" I shout back at her. "I'm practically a bloody a bloody Squib!"
"The point is, you're only sixteen! You need an education!"
"Why?" I snap. "Why should I go back to a school to learn magic, when I can't BLOODY DO MAGIC?!"
My mum sighs loudly and whips her head to the side to look at my dad. He stands silently in my doorway as he has been for the last half an hour. "A little help would be nice."
Dad glances from her to me and back again. "She has a point, Ange," he says evenly.
"Oh, I should have known you would agree with her," she says hotly. "Being a dropout yourself and all."
He rolls his eyes. "Like you didn't want to quit, too, when the Toad was running things at Hogwarts."
"Of course I did!" she snaps. "But I toughed it out and graduated!"
"Oh, I didn't realize my not graduating bothered you so much," he says irritably.
They start shouting over each other and I hold my face in my hands, sighing loudly. Ever since I got my results they haven't been able to be in the same room with each other without fighting.
"You make the idea of going back to school sound appealing," I say bitterly. They don't hear me. I groan. "Shut up. Shut up. Just shut the bloody Hell up!" I shout over both of them, hopping up from my trunk. When my feet hit the floor, the window behind me shatters.
They look at me. Then at the window. Their eyes are wide. Mine are, too.
"What did you just do?" my mum asks. I look past her at my door.
"Erm...Sorry," says Uncle Harry, who is standing in the hallway outside of my room. I don't know how long he has been there but I have a feeling he overheard most of what was being said. "We knocked but..."
My dad turns and I see Aunt Ginny standing beside Uncle Harry. "We didn't mean to interrupt your domestic," says Aunt Gin. Uncle Harry stifles a laugh. "We wanted to talk to Roxanne, if that's all right."
Mum nods and brushes by them. "Maybe you can talk some sense into her."
Dad sighs. "I don't think it's that big of a deal that she doesn't want to go back to school...But Roxanne, your mum has a point. You're only sixteen."
"I'll be seventeen a week and a day after school starts," I say. "What difference does it make?"
"I reckon it doesn't make any difference," he says. "But...What do you think? Gin? Harry?"
"I think I want to talk to Roxanne," Aunt Gin says impatiently. "Alone."
My dad looks at Uncle Harry as if he's hoping he'll be leaving with him. He doesn't want to be alone with Mum. I don't blame him.
Uncle Harry shakes his head. "I'd like to talk to her too, George."
Dad leaves and Uncle Harry shuts the door. I stand in the same spot, looking between them. "You won't be able to change my mind," I say.
"We're not here to do that," Aunt Gin says. "Sit down."
I sit on my bed and Aunt Gin sits beside me. "Do you know what happened to your window?" she asks.
I look at it and shake my head. Uncle Harry whips his wand around. In seconds its as good as new.
"Well, I do," she says. "You got angry and you broke it."
I look at her. My eyebrows knit together. "What? I didn't touch it."
"You don't have to touch it," she laughs. "Do you know how many windows I've broken from getting angry?"
"More than I can remember fixing," Uncle Harry says. He sits on top of my trunk, smiling faintly.
I don't understand and I'm sure my confusion shows.
"It happens...with the illness," Aunt Gin continues. "It's different for everyone, but you're a lot like me, yeah? You've got my temper. When you get angry...things will happen."
I gape at her. I think I know what she's trying to tell me but I can't allow myself to process it. "...You.."
She nods. "I've got it, too."
My chest tightens. I suddenly feel like I can't breathe. Like all of the air has been sucked out of the room. I want to cry. Then I want to scream because I don't want to cry. I'm enraged. I clinch my hands into fists. Glass shatters from my window again.
Uncle Harry is quick on his feet to fix it again.
Aunt Gin puts her arm around my shoulders and pulls me close to her side. I don't want to be touched but I don't want to push her away either. My tense muscles relax in the slightest. I don't look at her. I can't look at her.
"When did you...How long have you had it?" I ask.
"A while," she says. "...I know you're scared. But being scared doesn't mean you aren't strong."
But I'm not scared. I'm terrified. I pull away from her and look at my hands. "Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't Al tell us?"
"Albus doesn't know," Uncle Harry says. I look up at him. "No one else knows."
"Then why did you tell me?" I say roughly.
"Because," Aunt Gin says, "I want you to know that you're going to be okay."
I laugh dryly. "You don't know that. No one has lived long enough to know that."
"I have," she tells me. "When I said a while, I meant it. I found out shortly after the explosion that happened in Azkaban."
I look at her in shock. "That was months ago...That was when it first started."
"I know. That's how I know you're going to be okay."
"You just have to do things...differently," says Uncle Harry. I look at him. "Performing magic is what harms you...Like when you cast your Patronus at your retest. It weakened you. Every spell you do now will damage you to some extent. Especially strong ones. With you going back to school—"
"I'm not going back to school," I say.
"—with you turning seventeen soon, then, you'll be able to do magic whenever you want. But Roxanne, you can't. In most cases, casting spells is what causes..."
"People to die," I say flatly. "So this...illness. It doesn't drain people's magic? It just makes their magic...kill them?"
He shakes his head. "No, that's not exactly how it works. At least not from what we've pieced together."
"I don't understand," I say.
"What happened to me," Aunt Gin begins, "is that doing magic made me weak, like Harry said. So I stopped doing it unless it was absolutely necessary. But as time went on, doing even the simplest spell became a challenge and doing more complicated spells became dangerous. Until I couldn't do magic at all."
"Your magic is gone?" I say. "Completely?"
She nods. "Completely. Unless I get mad. Then it comes out in uncontrollable bursts. Like yours did when you broke the window."
"That's what happens," Uncle Harry says. "It becomes uncontrollable and dangerous."
"So not doing magic doesn't stop it?" I ask.
He frowns. "No, it doesn't. It just makes it safer."
"I wish you would reconsider going back to school," says Aunt Gin. "I understand why you wouldn't want to...but..."
"But we're working on something to help the students," Uncle Harry tells me. "You're not the only student with this condition, Roxanne. I think you'll be better off there than here. Especially with what we've got planned. The Ministry is finally doing something useful."
"Like what?" I ask.
"I can't say," he says. "But you'll find out if you go back."
"Roxanne," Aunt Gin says. "...I know it's a lot to ask of you but I'd like it if you kept what we told you to yourself...About me. I'm not ready for anyone else to know."
The weight of her secret is already too heavy to bear.
Ϟ
My dad and Uncle Harry convince me to return to school. I plan on staying until I turn seventeen and can quit without being chastised by my mum.
I don't know what I will do after. I choose not to think of it. I don't even know if I'll make it to see seventeen.
Ϟ
The Hogwarts Express stops in Hogsmeade station and I quickly pile off of the train ahead Albus, Scorpius, Dominique, Rose, and Alice Longbottom. I'm in a bad mood. Everyone I saw from the moment I stepped inside of it approached me about Fred.
I stomp across the gravel, glaring straight. People watch me. I can feel their eyes. But they know better than to say a word to me because of the look on my face.
I come to an abrupt stop at the end of the station. Even though I was warned about Thestrals by Uncle Harry, the sight of them at the carriages startles me. I swallow hard. They remind me of Fred. I can see them because of Fred.
"Oh get on with it, Roxanne," hisses Scorpius. He shoves my shoulders before moving around me. "You're not the only one who can see them."
This shakes me from my daze and I go after him. I shove him squarely in the middle of his back. He turns to face me. "Don't touch me, you greasy git," I snap.
"What's going on?" asks Rose. She, Albus, Dominique, and Alice have just caught up to us.
"The Thestrals gave your ankle biting cousin a fright," Scorpius says.
I shove him again and pull my wand from my pocket out of habit.
He laughs loudly. I jab it into his chest. "What are you going to do with that? Poke me to death?"
I grit my teeth. For a moment, I actually forgot that I could no longer do magic.
"She might not be able to hex your sorry arse, but I can," says Dominique. She points her wand at his throat.
"Dom, lay off," says Albus. He pulls her away from Scorpius, who is smiling smugly. "What's the problem, mate?"
"Your family is the problem," Scorpius says. He looks over all of us except for Rose then turns and walks away.
"Oh, that little wanker!" Dom seethes. "Why the bloody fuck are you friends with him?"
I don't wait around to hear Albus' answer or to hear Rose defend him again. I stomp away, my fingers curling around my wand so tightly that I think it might snap.
I climb into a carriage and sit facing away from the beast at the end of it. I don't know if I'm angry that Dom tried to defend me or if it's because I can't defend myself. Both. I'm angry over both. But more so because of the latter.
Dom, Rose, and Albus climb into the carriage with me. Dom sits beside me while Rose and Albus sit across from us.
"What about Alice?" says Dom. I look to see her standing at the steps.
"It's fine," she says. "I'll get on the next one."
"Wow, Albus," Dom says. "You're just as much of a wanker as Malfoy."
"What? What did I do?"
"You left your girlfriend by herself!"
I sigh loudly and stare at the ground as the carriage takes off. The noise and jostling distracts me and as we get closer to the castle gates I feel less annoyed. I just want to eat then go to sleep.
"What the bloody Hell?" Dom says suddenly.
I look up and over my shoulder as the carriage comes to a halt. Just beyond the gate I see Teddy. There's a tall girl with long, thick black hair to the left of him and a man I notice to his right. It's the man from the Ministry. The man who showed up at my flat looking for Uncle Harry.
"What is Teddy doing here?" asks Rose.
"I have no idea," says Dom. "But Victoire is going to implode when she sees him."
"Why?" I say.
"They broke up a few days ago."
"What?" says Rose. "Why?"
"So she could be 'free' during her seventh year," Dom says, rolling her eyes. "Why didn't your dad tell us Teddy would be here?"
"I don't know," says Albus. "I'm guessing he's a part of whatever it is that the Ministry put together, though."
"Why would the Ministry send Aurors to Hogwarts?"
"Let's go find out," he replies. He climbs out of the carriage. Dom is quick to go after him. Rose and I stand at the same time and she gestures for me to go first then follows suit.
We form a line and push through the crowd until we're at the front of it. Teddy acknowledges us with a smile but he doesn't say anything. Instead he stands with his hands behind his back looking stiff and uncomfortable, rocking slightly on the balls of his feet.
I look at the girl to the left of him. She stands with her hands on her hips, squinting against the sun as she stares at the oncoming carriages. She looks familiar. She also looks young. She can't be much older than I am.
Then I look to the right of Teddy. The man stands looking as severe as ever, his bulky arms folded over his wide chest. He stares into the crowd. His cold, dark brown eyes dart from student to student. Is he counting us?
"Listen up!" he booms suddenly. The chatter around me falls instantly. "All second and third years, form a line in front of McLaggen." He unfolds his arms to point towards the girl by Teddy's side. No one moves. "Now!"
Rocks crunch as second and third years quickly move to the far left.
"Fourth and fifth years, in front of Lupin!" he shouts over the noise. More students scuttle and this time they do not hesitate. "Sixth and seventh years, stand in front of me!"
Since I'm directly in front of him, I don't move.
He looks at me and takes a single step forward. "Are you hard of hearing?"
"I might be now, since you keep shouting," I say loudly. I hear Dom snort from my side but the man's threatening gaze does not falter. Neither does mine.
"Get in line with your year. Now!"
"I am!" I say, my voice the same tone. I still don't look away.
"She is," I hear Teddy say. "Sir."
The man looks back at him, then at me. He stares at me. I stare back. I feel victory when he's the first to look away. I can't bask in it, though. I'm too annoyed that he didn't believe I was a sixth year. Especially since, if I had been born a week earlier, I'd be a seventh year. I suddenly feel uncomfortable in my green and silver robes that hide any hint of a mature figure.
"We're doing things a little differently this year," he says. His voice is so loud. It projects easily. "Follow me."
He turns on his heel and quickly starts up the narrow path to the school. Dom, Albus, Rose and I are right behind him. The rest of the sixth and seventh years follow in our wake.
"Why is he walking so bloody fast?" Dom pants.
"Maybe he's really hungry," I say breathlessly. "I know I am."
"I thought he was going to strangle you," she says. "I feel like I know him from somewhere."
I glance at her. "You do. He was the bloke who showed up at my flat after—" I stop myself.
Her blue eyes widen. She knows what I'm talking about so I don't have to say it. "He is!"
"Stop yapping and move!" he shouts from over his shoulder.
By the time we reach the entrance to the castle I feel like I'm going to collapse—but he doesn't slow his pace at all. Wordlessly he points his wand at the giant double oak doors and they fly open. He rushes inside.
We move by the Great Hall without an explanation and run up three flights of stairs. Now I don't feel like I'm going to collapse. I feel like I'm going to faint. I can hardly feel my legs and my lungs feel like they're on fire.
We enter the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and that is when he finally slows and turns to face us as he walks backwards. He isn't breathing heavily and despite the fact that we just ran only Merlin knows how far and he's dressed in a thick black coat, he's hardly broken a sweat.
He moves to the middle of the room, flicking his wand at the desks. They slide out of the way with ease and line up against the walls.
"Form a circle," he says, gesturing with his free hand. "Quickly!"
I stand between Dom and Albus, then slump over, my hands on my knees as I try to catch my breath. It seems impossible. Every gasp seems to sear my chest.
"You have one minute," he roars, "to get inside of this room or you will be locked out!"
"I doubt that would bother anyone," I breathe.
"Roxy," Albus whispers fiercely. I look up to see him shaking his head at me. I know he would probably tell me to be quiet if he were actually capable of speaking properly. He's breathing just as hard as the rest of us.
A minute goes by with him looking at his watch the entire time. I know when it elapses. He raises his wand and the classroom door slams shut and locks. I look around. I know that there are people missing. Before he shut the door, I could hear their footsteps echoing through the corridor.
I don't see Victoire. Or Alice. I don't see a lot of people, actually.
The man stands silently, looking over the circle of students. I see his mouth move. He's doing a head count.
"Pathetic," he says. "Absolutely pathetic. Out of two hundred and eighty eight, only seventy two of you were able to get from the gate to here in the allotted time." He moves in a slow circle, his eyes roaming over us. "By a show of hands only, how many of you can still do magic?"
Hands dart into the air. I try to count them but I'm not quick enough.
"Under half of you then," he says. Their hands fall. I'm shocked. "And by a show of hands, how many of you know how to defend yourselves against magic or otherwise, without magic?"
A single hand raises on the opposite side of the circle. It belongs to Charles Nott. I'm not surprised. Charles Nott is huge.
Dom makes a not-so-subtle gagging noise. She and Charles have a history. Last year they hooked up. He told everyone. Dom denied it to everyone.
He laughs. Like he is genuinely amused. Even though his expression says otherwise "One." He shakes his head then looks us over.
"My name is Vaughn and I've been rightly sent by the Ministry of magic to teach you defense. Physical defense, just so we're clear. Since the lot of you can't do magic and it's likely even more of you will be in the same predicament soon enough, it's my responsibility to teach you how to defend yourselves wandlessly. You'll learn hand to hand combat skills—"
"What?!" I say suddenly. Vaughn turns to look at me with a scowl. "You're what the Ministry made such a big deal over? Physical defense lessons? Shouldn't they be focusing on, oh I dunno, important things? Like figuring out what the bloody Hell is going on so they can stop it? Instead of sending you to see that the rest of us off each other before they get the chance?"
He takes a step toward me, head tilted, a smile on his full lips. He glances at the ground as he closes the space between us. When he looks up at me again, only inches away, his smile is gone.
"What's your name?"
"Roxanne Weasley."
He steps closer. His eyes go cold. Threatening. As if I'm supposed to fear him, but I don't. He doesn't scare me.
"Well, Roxanne Weasley. Allow me to teach you your first lesson. Do not speak to me unless I give you permission to speak to me."
His tone is as severe as he looks—still yet, I feel nothing other than anger.
It's silent for several seconds. I think he's about to lean away when I say, "Or what?"
My heart hammers. He clenches his jaw but says nothing as he glares at me. Slowly he stands at full height.
"Let me show you," he says. He roughly grabs my upper arm, pulling me away from where I stand as he starts across the room. With a single flick of his wand a blue mat appears, covering most of the floor.
We stand in the middle of it. Another flick. Blue mist curls from his wand and forms a lion that takes charge through the class to the doors and disappears.
He lets go of me with a shove and turns his wand on me. I don't have time to wonder what he's about to do. A wordless flick follows and my school uniform begins to shrivel and contort. My skirt rises and clings to my legs, forming black shorts. My shirtsleeves disappear and the hem rises to the middle of my ribs. I look down at my exposed body in shock.
Someone whistles. I look up. It's Charles Nott. He makes hands at his chest. "Wow, Weasley. You wouldn't think all of that was hiding under your robes."
"You," says Vaughn. He gestures for Charles to step forward. "Come here."
Charles doesn't hesitate.
"What's your name?"
"Charles Nott," he says proudly.
"Well, Nott. If you find humor in behaving like a heathen you can be punished like one."
He points his wand at him and I watch as Charles' school uniform shrivels into tight black shorts and a matching sleeveless shirt that looks a little too small for him. He folds his muscled arms over his chest.
"Oh yeah? What kind of punishment might that be?"
"The same Weasley's getting for her mouth," he says coolly. He tucks his wand away and begins to shrug out of his thick coat. "Only you're getting it from me."
I watch him, confused. He catches me as he tosses his jacket. "Stand on the side and wait your turn, Weasley," he says.
I don't want to show that I'm uncomfortable in my skimpy clothing but it's impossible for me not to cross my arms over my bare midriff as I turn to walk away.
I stand on the edge of the mat. I'm close to Dominique, Albus, and Rose but they don't say anything to me. Everyone is focused on Charles and Vaughn.
"You say you can protect yourself without a wand. Let's see what you've got," Vaughn says as he takes a step toward Charles. His muscled arms are raised. His hands balled into fists.
My eyes widen at the realization of what's about to happen.
Charles mirrors him. Or tries to. He looks unsure of himself, but swings an arm out regardless. Vaughn dodges the throw with little effort and returns the gesture. Charles isn't quick enough. Vaughn's fist hits his jaw, and before he has a chance to collect himself, Vaughn strikes at his face again. I see blood gushing from Nott's nose when he pulls his hands away and he lunges at Vaughn, who simply steps to the side and lets him fall to the floor.
Vaughn laughs. "That was as anticlimactic as I expected it to be. On your feet, now, Nott. Or do you need me to put you on them as easily as I took you off of them?"
A sudden creak pulls everyone's attention away from Charles. I look toward the source to see the girl, McLaggen, entering the classroom. She walks tall. With confidence.
"You needed me?" she says, using her wand to shut the door behind her.
He nods, motioning her onto the mat. "A student thought it would be a good idea to step out of line. I need you to put her back in it."
I gape at them then quickly close my mouth and set my jew. He's going to make me fight her.
"Looks like you already got one," she says, eyeing Nott, who stands almost directly across from me, holding his nose. It's still bleeding. "Where is she?"
"Weasley!" Vaughn shouts. He cranes his neck to look at me. "On the mat. Now!"
McLaggen watches as I step forward and snorts loudly. "You cannot be serious. Is she even in the right group?"
"Lupin said she was," Vaughn says. "If only she was as big as her mouth."
I squeeze my hands into fists. I don't want to fight McLaggen. I want to fight him.
"First to hit the floor?" she asks.
He nods. She unzips her black sweater and throws it to the side. She wears a top like mine, only longer and instead of a thick green swoop across the front, it's solid black.
We stand in front of each other. She towers over me. But not only is she taller. She's wider. Heavier. Stronger. Her arms are thin...but as she raises them I notice that they are muscled.
I copy her the best I can. Raising my scrawny arms. She swings first. She misses, but only by an inch, if even. I hop to the left and take a swing at her face. My knuckles graze her chin and I feel them pop. I think I hurt myself more than her. I immediately want to hold my hand protectively but I know that I can't. Her fist flies at me again. I don't know how, but I manage to avoid it.
"You're quick," she says pleasantly. I don't know if it is her words distracting me or if my movement is too sluggish, but her knuckles thump against my cheek suddenly. I groan loudly. "But not quite quick enough."
I bring my hand up and press my palm against my cheek as I take quick, backwards steps away from her. I had never been punched in the face before. It aches so much that it brings tears to my eyes. But I don't get to dwell on the pain. More is inflicted as her fist connections with my mouth. Then my nose. I drop my hand. I have to fight back. I try to fight back. I grab her shoulders and she grabs mine. In seconds, her knee jabs into my ribs and I'm thrown roughly onto the mat. The fight is over.
I taste iron in my mouth and I can feel blood pouring from my nose. I gasp for air. The blow to my side knocked all of it out of me. Every attempt causes my chest to throb. I'm certain I have a broken rib. Maybe two
McLaggen stands in front of me, her arm outstretched.
"Leave her," says Vaughn. "She can get up on her own."
I try to push up from the mat, but I collapse against it. I can't get up. Not right now.
"You're excused to go back to your group," he says to McLaggen. He turns away from her to eye the circle of students. "That was your introduction to your Defense lessons. You're dismissed."
There isn't any hesitation on their part to leave. However Rose, Dominique, and Albus linger on the edge of the mat until finally Al takes a step forward, extending his arm. He's going to help me. I don't want his help but I know that I need it.
"Go!" he shouts at them.
Rose flinches. Dominique casts him an ugly look. And Albus glances from him to me.
"Now!" he adds through clenched teeth. "I said she can get up on her own."
They hesitate before walking away, all three of them looking over their shoulders at me as they leave.
I finally catch my breath but I don't move. I watch Vaughn grab his coat from where he placed it. He puts it on without looking at me and moves from where he stands. He's leaving, too.
However he looks back at me with a pause in his step. "Did you learn your lesson, Weasley?"
I glare at him. The anger I feel overpowers the pain I'm in. I don't care about the consequences of my actions. I don't care about anything.
"If my lesson was to learn that you're an asshole, yeah I did, Vaughn."