The Golf clubs are heavier then I expected. It's a pain getting them over my back, but I manage it as I exit onto Harrison's floor. I'm looking forward to surprising him. To seeing the joy on his face when he sees them. I see it so rarely from him now.

I nod at a few of the regulars as I walk through the hall. I smile at a few, one even stops me, telling me how great I am. I tell him it's nothing, and he just smiles deeply at me. Even though I'm not here for them, it seems I bring these patients happiness, and I'm glad. I know that Harrison is having a good week, his chemo hasn't been bad at all and he's almost always himself.

I round the corner, and see Harrison slamming his hand onto the elevator as it shuts before turning and pulling his hands up to his eyes.

"Harrison?" I ask questioningly, suddenly fearful. What could have happened? Something is wrong, I can sense that.

He turns to me, slowly, painfully, as he drops his arms. His face look like he's in shock, and then the pain starts to spill out. From his eyes, his whole face, his entire body language. His face drops and he's about to cry.

All other thoughts vanish from my mind as I drop the clubs. "What's wrong?" I say stupidly. What sort of a question is that? Everything is wrong. The damn world is wrong.

I run over to him as he looks like he's about to collapse. I pull him tightly to me, trying to erase the pain, the hurt. He slowly grasps at me, perhaps wondering if I'm really there. Then he grips me tightly and refuses to let go. Not that I would ever let him go if I could. I'd hold him forever.

He starts to shake as he sobs and cries. I ignore my own feelings, shoving them down and refusing to cry when he needs me. When he needs me to be strong. I won't let him down. No matter what. Here for him forever.

I stroke his hair as I slowly feel him calm down. He's regaining control. But still, we stand here. The moment drags on. Finally, after what must have been over a minute, a nurse beckons us to move, as she needs the elevator.

I still don't let go as we move. Never.

Harrison is drifting from me. Slowly, he has stopped drawing on me for everything. At first, it hurt. I feared that I had been letting him down, that he didn't need me. But finally I think I get it. All the little things he has said when I'm around. It all sort of added up.

He's my best friend, and always will be. And he loves me as I love him, as brother and sister would. I guess he finally realized how heavily he had been drawing upon me, that I was being crushed under him and Brooke. And that my other friends need me too. So instead, he turned to Brooke, and Brooke eagerly accepted it, turning to him as well. Now they drew strength from each other, and the load was considerably lessened.

Thank god, because now it seems as though Lilly and Josh have problems. And somehow, as always, it's me who's left to pick up the pieces. Well, I'll do it. I always do.

Still, my thoughts drift back to Harrison. I can't help it. He's freaking out over Clarence, scared shitless, and so am I. I don't think Harrison has thought far ahead. About what would happen if Clarence doesn't make it. He can't face that. But I can. I have too. I must be prepared.

I hope that what I fear never happens. I hope that Clarence makes it through, as Harrison needs him as much as he needs anyone else. But I know that the chances are low. No… when Clarence passes, Harrison will be crushed. I pray he doesn't retreat fully from the world, retreat from me, from his friends. For I know him. I know people. A crushing blow like that can shake your faith.

I sigh as I think back to my father. The loss of him had flattened me. I'd been a walking zombie for the next 6 months, barely able to think straight. I had pushed everyone away, even Harrison and my mom. My mom tried to break through, but she too had her own grief to deal with, and just couldn't help me.

But Harrison… Harrison was right there for me. He never gave up on me, even when I had given up on myself. He pushed me, he kept me afloat, kept me from…

I turn from those dark thoughts. He was my guardian angel. When his mother had told me that I really was his angel, I had just wanted to scream STOP. Don't give me credit for what I don't deserve. This… giving to Harrison is simply self preservation. Without him I don't know what I'd be. Not the person I am today. Not the person I will be in my future.

I can't live without him.

I found out from Brooke that she went skateboarding with him and Clarence in the basement of the hospital. At first I was furious. How could she let them go down there, in the state they were in? Then I saw Harrison. He was so happy. It had given him strength that I couldn't imagine he would ever have again, and I instantly calmed. Clarence was back in the room, still sick as hell but stable mostly. Harrison spent most of his time in the room with him. The chemo was getting harder on him again, and he was having trouble. But he didn't need me as before.

It's almost Christmas. I had my marrow tested to see if it will help him, as did Brooke. We're spreading the word, trying to get everyone we possibly can to help him find a match. The doctor calls me, saying that I don't match. I feel like I've failed him. I know it's not my fault, but I can't help think it.