Artemis groggily returned to consciousness in the back of a dark, musty van with his hands and feet tied.
Hardly the most comfortable vehicle in the world, he thought. The suspension must be broken. The last thing I remember was being knocked out, so I suppose… I've probably been kidnapped. Ransom. He decided to listen in; perhaps he could find out more about where he was being taken.
"…yeah …yeah. Like you said, just a kid. What? No, no passport, no ID that I could find, just some cash and a phone I can't get to work. Shouldn't be any problem with missing-person reports. Foreign, too. Little Irish rich kid. What?" There was a pause. "No, I said I didn't find any ID, so he's probably not here legally anyway. So do you want him or not?..." The man on the phone twisted round in the passenger seat to look at Artemis, who closed his eyes hurriedly. "Dunno. That's alright?... Good. So that's $500? I gotta feed myself, man!... Right. Right, okay… I'm driving him over right now, boss. Thanks, boss."
He put the phone down and leered at Artemis, pinching his cheek. Oh, the ignominy. He allowed his eyelids to flutter and open, guessing there was probably no point faking that he was still asleep.
"You're a lucky kid, boy. You're gonna get yourself a new home. Be good on the way and I might give you a lollipop." The man ran his fingers over the baseball bat next to him. "You're not going to misbehave, hey?"
Artemis stared at the felt-covered ceiling of the van, and wished for the journey to be over as the man laughed and retreated back into his seat. Then he noticed something. Holly's communicator ring was missing, and he had no way of calling for help. Mother. Someone must be looking for me. And then, I hate lollipops.
The only possible way this situation could possibly be any worse would be if Opal Koboi turned up again, started cackling evilly in my face and making general threats towards my family.
What are the odds of that?
In another universe, in a cell somewhere deep under the sea that did not look anything like a pineapple, the evil pixie genius Opal Koboi felt that an opportunity had been missed. She punched the padded wall.
"Damn you, Artemis!!!!!!!" she screamed, with seven exclamation marks.
Holly stepped into Foaly's private lab. Ever since Foaly had been set up by Koboi for causing the goblin revolution, the security had been upped. He now had several new bug sweepers and a new layer of X-ray-proof insulatory material. The door slid open in front of her to reveal the centaur "Bad news," she panted. "Fowl vanished."
Foaly's jaw dropped. "You're not serious?" He swivelled his adapted chair around several times. "This isn't good."
Holly rolled her eyes. "You're telling me. Duh." She stopped to catch her breath. "I talked to Angeline. Artemis's mother. She told me."
Foaly was outraged. "You WHAT?!! You talked to his mother? For Frond's sake, she doesn't even know about us!"
"Hey, she was the one who rang me," said Holly, injured. "And for your information, she knew about us anyway thanks to Koboi possessing her. She had his communicator. Gods know how she knew how to use it. Artemis must have dropped it or something…" Oh shoot. That's not good, she thought. I've never known him to lose anything by accident.
The centaur clambered out of his chair. "So you have no way of talking to him or finding out where he really is?"
"He has a mobile phone as well. I had the number written down somewhere…" She searched her pockets, then blushed when she realised her friend was staring at her. "What?" she said defensively.
"You have his mobile number," said Foaly disbelievingly.
"Hey, pony boy, that's none of your business." Holly continued to rummage.
"Oh my gods. His mobile number." Foaly started to snort, and then went into fully blown hysterics. "You really luuuuuurve him!"
Pissed off, she punched him in the shoulder. "Foaly, we have a situation here, in case you haven't noticed, idiot!" She pulled out a piece of paper. "Here it is. I assume you can patch into the mobile network to phone him?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Me? Patch into the human mobile network? Do you doubt my geniusity or something? Can a stinkworm – "
Holly stopped him before he went any further. "Enough with the graphic analogies, Foaly, all right? Everyone gets the picture, and this is a teenage fanfiction, after all. The readers' minds aren't entirely corrupted yet."
"What?" asked Foaly, confused. He rubbed his shoulder. "You didn't need to punch me that hard, by the way; that hurt."
"Er… nothing." She passed him the paper. "Zero seven two seven eight three six four seven, three six nine five."
"Done." Foaly sat back down. "Want a cup of coffee while you're here? I recently had a machine installed to help boost my caffeine intake," he said brightly.
"Where does the coffee come from?" asked Holly suspiciously.
Foaly winced. "Ahm… part of my sub-atomic recycling processor."
"You mean the toilet," she said flatly.
He squirmed. "Bluntly, yes, the atoms required do come from faecal matter, but that's not the point. All completely restructured, and no side effects."
"No thank you. It sounds completely disgusting."
There was a bleeping noise, and he swivelled his chair round to face a screen and grab a pair of headsets, passing one to Holly. "In approximately 6 seconds, we should be talking to your boyfriend again," smirked Foaly. Holly shushed him.
We're sorry, the number you are trying to call is not available at this time. Please try again later. We're sorry, the number you are trying to call is not available at this time. Please try again later…
The two of them stared at each other. There was silence for a few seconds. "What's the probability he turned his phone off or lost signal?" Holly said, at last.
"Round about nil," replied the centaur gloomily.
She made a face. "Right. I'll be going over to the hotel then. Losing your eldest son for the second time can't be easy. I feel sorry for Angeline."
Artemis was startled into sudden wakefulness by a crash and light in his eyes. Ugh. Where is this?
"Say hi to Pinehearst," said his captor, pulling him outside the van with a sharp tug. Artemis winced as the rope cut into his wrists, and looked around. I appear to be in an underground car park. He listened to the ceiling. Make that deep underground; I can barely hear any cars. The man dragged him over to a door, and pressed a button on an intercom. "Standing right here with the test subject. If you want to send someone down with the cash, that'll be fine."
In a second or so, there was a crackling response. "I'll be coming down in a few minutes myself. I want to see this test subject."
The thug stared at Artemis. "The boss must be pretty worried if he's coming down here himself. He usually just sends an Indian guy to talk to me." He slicked back his hair, and fiddled with his collar; barely noticeable signs that he was worried. But Artemis was hardly average.
This man is highly concerned. I suppose any atypical meetings with his 'boss' would be bad; they seem to have a mainly financial relationship. Rather tenuous. Either that, or his boss is especially fearsome. I hope the former, he thought.
Three minutes and twenty-seven seconds later, the door swung open to reveal a grey-haired, tall, rather sombre-looking man. His eyes narrowed when he saw Artemis. "What exactly is this?" he said. "You mentioned that the test subject was young, not teenage. I expected an adult, perhaps, not a child."
Artemis stared coldly back at the man. He hardly looks fearsome, after all, so I would assume that there must be something else. "For your information, I am, in fact, fourteen. Hardly a child, by modern standards."
Both adults stared at him. The thug was the first to speak. "Do I still get the cash?" he asked.
"Very well," said the boss, still staring at Artemis. He passed over the cash, and fingered something in his pocket. Probably a gun. Play along with him for now. "Are you going to come quietly or not?"
"It's hardly as if I have a choice," replied Artemis. My hands are tied here. Ironic, really.
The man smiled. "Some of our other volunteers took a little more… persuading." I'll bet they did, thought Artemis, following him through the door. But I will behave. For now.
I stared at the building. It looked like a typical American office building; glass and concrete, with the company logo I'd seen on the card outside it. Not especially unique, especially for America. So why here?
Only one way to find out. It hardly looked dangerous, after all.
The doors slid open soundlessly in front of me, and closed again.
Artemis stared around him. Concrete walls, with steel support and solid metal doors. This place was obviously high security. A lot of planning has gone into this.
"As you can see, the chances of anyone being able to get out of here are minimal. So you might as well not bother," he continued.
Artemis rolled his eyes. "Spare me the theatrics and get on with it. What are you going to do with me? Ransom?"
The man looked startled. "Why would I wish to ransom you? A boy off the street? I have no need for money, after all. No, you will be the subject of a genetics experiment. Helping to save the world."
"By kidnapping children?"
He frowned, and stopped outside a door, which opened when he pressed his hand to a pad. Fingerprint scanner. "Try to make yourself at home here. Don't bother going to sleep," he called to Artemis, as the door shut.
He looked around. It was pretty basic; metal toilet and sink, and a bed with a rather thin-looking mattress.
And to think I was complaining about the hotel last night, thought Artemis.