Soon after Finn has introduced all forty-one of his birds to me, we go to my ship to get something to eat.
Finn, being a recently defected Stormtrooper, hasn't eaten anything the entire day. He also drank water from a freshwater spring he found. He wasn't sure if he was allowed to take anything from my ship.
I make sure he understands that no matter what's going on, no matter if I'm mad at him, he is always allowed to take food and drinks. He never needs to ask.
I won't ever withhold nourishment from someone.
When we arrive at my ship, forty-one birds in tow, we get into a minor argument. Finn wants to take his birds aboard. I don't. At all. Not unless he can promise me that they won't chew on anything, scratch anything, poop on anything, or perform any other bird behavior that will damage my ship.
Finn can't promise that. Or rather, he asks his birds, and while a significant number of them promise to be good, far too many don't.
Even ignoring my own desire to have the birds nowhere near my ship, Artie will literally fry any that sets to much as a single paw aboard. That's enough to make Finn back down.
We compromise. I get us some food while Finn waits with his birds, and we have a picnic outside. Artie and R2-D2 remain inside. Artie is still hard at work, and R2-D2 is still needling it. I'm pretty sure that R2-D2 is avoiding me and Finn on purpose.
He doesn't want to hear about Luke Skywalker.
I need to go back aboard for seconds because Finn happily shares his food with his birds. Munchies definitely proves her name. Bird Rey also proves that she is indeed incredibly bossy, demanding that Finn feed her personally and chasing off any other bird that tries to do the same until she's satisfied.
He tries to get me to share some food with his birds as well, but while I won't ever withhold nourishment from someone, I'm not going to share my own either. Those birds were doing just fine before we showed up. They don't need my help to keep fed. Especially not with Finn spoiling them.
Finn tells me what he did while I was meditating. He followed Luke Skywalker around and tried to make him change his mind about coming back with us.
He failed. Badly, according to him. Luke Skywalker has no intention whatsoever of leaving this island.
Luke Skywalker also spends most of his day walking around the island to gather all the things he needs to survive. Like going to the shore to get fresh milk from some kind of sea cow, which Finn found to be an incredibly uncomfortable experience. Something about how you shouldn't drink anything that comes from things like that. Udders, I point out.
Naturally, I tease Finn about his reaction. In return, he dares me to go along with Luke Skywalker to see the milking for myself. Challenge accepted.
Luke Skywalker is also apparently a badass fisher. Hearing Finn describe how he caught a fish big enough to feed him for weeks is indeed very impressive. I'd think Luke Skywalker was showing off for Finn, but the fact that the harpoon he used was obviously in place long before we came here shows that isn't true. Or rather, showing off isn't the only reason he did it.
It started to rain on their way back to the village, and Finn decided to go take shelter and resume trying to change Luke Skywalker's mind after the bad weather had passed. I make sure he knows he's always allowed to take clothes from my ship as well. While I don't have much that'll fit him, cloaks aren't a problem.
I'd noticed the rain of course, but again, I don't experience things like normal when meditating. My wet clothes also hadn't bothered me after I stopped meditating. The opposite, wet clothes feel like a luxury even after being gone from Jakku for so long. I can enjoy letting them dry in the air as well, courtesy of the fact that walking around in wet clothes won't make me sick. I always make sure that my immune system is as boosted as possible. The benefits of interstellar medicine.
Finn found a small cave to wait out the rain, and that's where he met bird Rey, Cuddles, Fluffy, Snowy and Digger. They were taking shelter as well. When the rain let up, Snowy and Digger left. Finn could've left as well, but he'd decided to spend a little more time with his newfound birds before getting back to the job.
He's very glad that he did. Snowy and Digger soon returned with twenty-four other birds. When Finn moved outside because the cave was getting crowded, his final twelve birds joined him. And that's the story of how he ended up with forty-one birds.
It's a good story. It's even better how much fun Finn had today. I'm glad he's happy.
After our meal, we decide to to give changing Luke Skywalker's mind another shot. Or rather, I decide to go fix his door. If he's there, we'll see about getting him to come back with us again. If he isn't there, my conscience will have been soothed by fixing his door. In hindsight, I let my temper get away from me.
Luke Skywalker isn't in the village. The people from before are. Once again, many of them are looking at me with excitement and recognition. I decide to ignore that for now. I can find out how it is that they know me later. We're going to be here for a lot longer than expected after all.
Finn and his progression of birds draws a lot of curious glances as well and even more amusement. It's obvious that some are talking about them, though the telepathic aspect of their language is apparently only noticeable to the person they're talking to. Or rather, the specifics are. Whenever they talk, the Force shifts around them in ways I've never seen before. It's subtle, but it's definitely there.
It's fascinating.
The door has been moved from where I dropped it. It's now propped up against Luke Skywalker's hut. I mentally lift it up and turn it around to examine the damage.
"Have I mentioned how awesome it is when you do that? Because it's very awesome."
I grin at Finn's appreciation but don't halt my examination of the door. The edges are rather deformed, but the biggest problem are the hinges. They broke clean off when I tore the door out of its frame.
"You'll be able to do this as well," I say, most of my attention still on the damage I did.
Finn's shock draws my full attention.
"I will?" he asks like I just told him he'll be able to fly without any mechanical aid. He doesn't believe me, but he desperately wants to.
"You do remember that you're going to be trained, right?" I tease, amused by his reaction.
Finn's eyes are as wide as those of his birds. Bird Rey puffs up with aggression and glares at me. While I approve of her protectiveness of Finn, it's kind of hilarious to see her act like this. Finn is just shocked. In a good way, even.
"I thought I was just going to learn how to hide?" he more asks than says, hope starting to replace his shock.
"That's what you're going to learn first," I correct. "But why stop there?"
He could of course, but who'd ever want to? The Force is magic. Who wouldn't want to learn all they can about it?
Finn starts to smile and it doesn't take long for it to turn beaming. He's giddy and disbelieving and excited in the best of ways. Definitely won't stop at learning how to hide.
His reaction makes bird Rey calm down and she nuzzles Finn's head. Finn absently pets her, most of his focus still on me.
"When will I be able to do this?"
"I have no idea," I say truthfully. I learned how to do it during my very first lesson with Maz, but I'd already been practising with the Force for years before that. Unlike me, Finn still needs to learn the basics.
"Not even a rough guess?" he asks hopefully. I wish I could give him one, but I seriously have no idea. Though...
"A month or four? If you work hard." Maz said it would only take him about that long to learn how to hide. If she teaches him how to levitate things at the same time, he should at least get the basics down by then as well.
Finn gains a huge grin.
"Yes," he gleefully whispers to himself, the word punctuated by an excited gesture. His behavior makes some of his birds burst out into excited chirping, including Siren and Melody, who show just why they got their names. Bird Poe also shows that he is indeed an amazing flyer by doing a few complicated loops over Finn's head. A few other birds take to the air as well.
Turning my attention back to the broken door, I start fixing it. Smoothing out the metal is easy. Fixing the hinges isn't. Mending metal is easy with tools and extremely difficult with the Force.
Unfortunately, when I ask the people for something to weld with, I discover that they don't have anything like that. Which, seriously? I'd noticed the lack of visible technology of course, but I thought they had things to take care of the most basic needs. Nope. This island is technology free to a mind boggling degree.
I tell Finn to stay put and return to my ship with Force speed. Putting the tools I need in a bag, I return to the village as fast as I left it.
"Will I be able to do that as well?" Finn asks after I arrive with an extravagant jump, the action still inspiring a thrill even after all this time.
"Yep," I confirm with a grin. While I did the jump for myself, I won't deny that his admiration is nice. On occasion, I like to show off.
Putting on the protective goggles I brought along, I activate my torch and start welding. Right before I'm finished, Luke Skywalker returns.
"What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing," I retort without looking away from my work. In part because I don't want to make a mistake right before I'm finished, but mostly it's to avoid seeing that horrible absence. Feeling the discord behind me is bad enough already.
"Fixing the door you broke," Luke Skywalker says in a voice like the desert.
"Congratulations on having eyes," I say while deactivating the torch and taking off my goggles. Swinging the door open and shut a few times, I feel satisfaction rise at the ease with which it moves. Well done, me.
Turning around, I can't help but grimace as I'm confronted by the void that is Luke Skywalker. I'm never going to get used to this.
I don't want to get used to this.
"Any chance you changed your mind about coming back with us?" Finn asks cheerfully, not a single part of him expecting the answer to be yes.
Luke Skywalker rolls his eyes.
"You're wasting your time," he says while walking to his hut. Finn's birds immediately scatter to avoid being anywhere near his path, taking to the air as fast they can. I understand completely. While I don't touch the void itself, the tangled mess of Force around it makes me shiver violently when Luke Skywalker passes by me. It's one of the most disturbing things I've ever felt.
Luke Skywalker shuts the door behind him.
Well. We tried.
"Want to keep trying?" Finn asks like he just read my thoughts. Clearly, he didn't read my emotions.
"Hell no," I answer without hesitation. I'm not giving up of course, but I have zero desire to keep facing that mockery of Luke Skywalker right now. "We'll try again tomorrow."
Finn lets out a relieved sigh. He has as little desire as me to remain in Luke Skywalker's company.
"Great. So what should we do instead?"
An excellent question. One I have an immediate answer to. A surprising one, though I suppose it shouldn't be.
I want to know why I've been dreaming of this island.
"Come on," I say while putting my tools back in the bag and starting to walk to where I want to go. "I want to show you something."
I want to see it for myself.
Finn and his birds follow. Finn, curious to our destination, asks me where we're going. I, in a mischievous mood, refuse to tell him.
My mood changes as we near the place I want to see. I turn quiet, feeling like the silence shouldn't be disturbed. Feeling like we're walking on sacred ground.
Finn and his birds feel the same.
I turn a corner and halt.
There it is, exactly like in my dreams. The remnant of what was once the greatest of trees.
The heart of the island.
Finn and I approach in silence. I'm absently aware of Finn's birds halting behind us, only bird Poe and bird Rey remaining with him, seated on his shoulders.
Most of me can only stare with awe at what is so much more than a tree. Memories whisper through the air, images flickering at the edge of my mind, too fast for me to catch.
"What is this place?" Finn's voice is hushed, a mere breath that feels almost sacrilegious in the silence that isn't silent at all.
"The heart of the island," I breathe just as softly. Walking up to the tree, I lift my hand. The whispers grow louder the closer my hand gets to the bank, images still too fast for me to catch now I can hear them. The life that used to be here, the symphony that once sang so brightly.
The slow decay into the whispers of today.
I touch the heart of the island and I see.
A towering tree, leaves green and vivid and every single one a bright spark, all connected to the bonfire that is the tree. Sparks fading, red and gold falling to the ground, the fire going to sleep, stark branches rise high. Death and decay feeding the roots reaching down below, fanning the flames, bringing about new life. Buds to blooms to leaves, exactly the same as before and nothing alike. An endless cycle of rebirth, each unique and different and exactly the same, the beauty of it all taking my breath away.
Then it's gone, and I'm left touching the remnant of what was once life in its purest form.
Or maybe it isn't a remnant. Maybe it just took on a different shape.
I can feel a single spark, struggling with all its might to survive. That struggle, that refusal to give up no matter what, makes that spark shine as brightly as the entire tree did at the height of its power. In some ways, it shines even brighter.
"They used to live here."
Finn's whisper draws my gaze to him. He's touching the tree as well, eyes absent as his other hand gently strokes a frightened bird Poe, who's pushing against his head like he's trying to disappear into it.
"You saw that?" I ask in an equally hushed voice, wondering why his vision was different from mine. I didn't see any birds. Just the tree.
Finn tears his eyes away from the tree.
"What? Oh. Yeah, Poe showed me," he says a fraction less hushed than before.
"Poe showed you," I repeat, completely caught off guard by his answer. Didn't he get a vision from the tree?
"It's like what you said with the villagers. They show me images sometimes."
Telepathic birds. Sure, why not.
"Didn't I mention that?" Finn asks with a frown, confused. He thought he had.
"No, you didn't." I definitely would've remembered if he had.
Finn shrugs, eyes drawn back to the tree. He might not have gotten a vision from it, but he's still affected by it. A lot.
But then, he was able to feel that Takodana is special without any training. Finn is far more naturally sensitive than I am.
"Poe showed me the tree when it was still alive."
It's still alive now.
Isn't it?
I'm confused by the Force insisting that the tree is no longer alive. I can feel a spark of life. That means it isn't dead.
Right?
"They used to make their nests here," Finn continues, drawing my attention again. "Well, not them, but their ancestors did."
Telepathic birds who use their telepathy to pass on ancestral memories. The galaxy is truly a mysterious place.
"You didn't get any visions from the tree itself?" I asks, watching as he lifts his hand from the tree so he can comfort bird Rey. She's just as agitated as bird Poe. Unlike him, she's dealing with her anxiety by becoming angry.
"Should I have?" Finn asks while turning his gaze to me, curious. My own eyes are drawn back to the tree.
"Not really." Visions are fickle things that I usually can't make heads or tails of. The Force deciding that I needed one while Finn didn't fits with its ineffable nature.
This vision was surprisingly clear, though. More of a memory than anything else.
As always, I have no idea why the Force showed it to me. What it's trying to say to me.
Maybe there isn't a reason. Maybe it's just what it feels like. A memory from a bygone age.
Maybe the Force just wants someone to remember.
"What did you see?"
Finn's voice is as soft as it can go.
My own is reverent.
"I saw life."
There really is no better way to describe it. I saw – felt life with a clarity normally reserved for meditation. And when meditating, my awareness of life is spread out.
The vision had been narrowed to the life of the tree. Just a fraction of it, a mere breath in the entirety of its lifespan.
The fleetingness made it all the more beautiful.
"That isn't vague or anything."
I feel a faint grin grow and tear my eyes away from the tree.
"The more you learn about the Force, the more vague you become," I quip. It isn't a lie, every language I know is incapable of adequately describing the Force. Admittedly, me being bad at explaining things in general, doesn't do me any favors when it comes to explaining the Force specifically.
"I saw the seasons pass while the tree was at the height of its power," I clarify when a flicker of annoyance and exasperation join Finn's amusement. I finally let go of the tree.
My answer is enough to mollify him. Good. I have no idea where to even begin going into further detail.
"Come on, let's go inside," I say while moving to the opening in the tree, the one I've never explored. In my dreams something always warned me to stay out.
I'm not being warned now.
"Whoa, Rey, wait."
Judging from Finn's nervousness and extreme reluctance, he is being warned to stay out. I halt while he quickly covers the remaining distance between us.
"You don't have to come," I say. I'd like him to come with me but it isn't necessary.
"I'm not leaving you," Finn says without hesitation. It's ridiculous how touched that makes me feel. Abandonment issues at their finest. "But– ow."
Finn's outburst is fueled by surprise, not pain. Bird Rey is tugging at his hair, and while she's doing it hard enough to be felt, she isn't doing it hard enough to cause pain.
"Hey, stop that," Finn says while reaching for her. Bird Rey avoids his hand by flying on top of his head, softly crying out in what is clear protest.
"I'm not leaving her," Finn repeats with his eyes raised up like that will let him see bird Rey. He's even more resolved than before. Once again, I'm ridiculously touched. "But do you really want to go in?" he asks me while lowering his gaze to meet my own, worry joining his resolve. "That place feels... sacred."
Finn makes a face as confused and incredulous as he feels about his choice of words. The First Order isn't big on religion.
He's right, though. This place feels sacred. And I need to see it.
I need to know.
"I've been here before."
I'm as surprised as Finn is by my words. I didn't think I wanted to share this.
I was wrong.
"I've dreamed of this island for as long as I can remember," I continue, feeling something unclench inside me as I give voice to the truth, even as another part of me tenses up with a chaotic mess of emotions. Anxiety. Anticipation. Fear. Longing.
Hope.
"I've visited every place, walked every path. But I've never gone inside here. I couldn't."
I hold Finn's gaze and infuse my voice with the Force, needing to impress the gravity of what this means to me.
"I can now. I need to go inside, Finn. I need to know why I've been dreaming about this place."
I need to know if it has anything to do with my family. I'm trying so hard not to hope, I've been disappointed too many times for that. Yet I can't help it.
Maybe I'll finally discover who my family was.
Maybe I'll finally remember them.
"Okay," Finn agrees. He doesn't know that this is about my family, but he understands how much this means to me. "Let's go inside."
I relax much more than expected. Apparently I want him to come with me more than I thought.
Bird Poe and bird Rey burst out protesting, soft but fierce. Bird Rey hops off his head and onto his shoulder so she can protest directly into his ear.
"You can wait with the others," Finn tells them, determined to see this through. Bird Poe an bird Rey continue to protest.
"I'm not leaving Rey."
Am I always going to be this touched when he says that?
"Don't worry, we won't be inside long," he assures, before looking to me for confirmation. "Right?"
"Depends on what we'll find," I say, not wanting to lie to him. My answer earns me a fierce glare from bird Rey, while bird Poe huddles against Finn in what I can only call a pitiful way. They really don't want to go inside.
Given that I don't feel any danger, I'm guessing this has to do with their ancestral past of this being their home.
"I'll try not to stay inside for long," Finn amends. Both bird Poe and bird Rey puff up until they're nothing but balls of fluff. Bird Poe is a ball of fearful anxiety, while bird Rey is a ball of aggressive anxiety. Then bird Poe flies off Finn's shoulder and nervously loops through the air, his eyes remaining locked onto Finn.
"You're staying?" Finn asks bird Rey with a breathtaking smile, incredibly touched by her decision. It's cute how attached he already is to his birds. It's also a good thing that we're staying here longer than expected. I don't want to think of how he would've reacted to leaving his birds behind only a few days after he met them.
Bird Rey replies with an annoyed chirp and manages to puff up some more, but she doesn't get off his shoulder. Finn pets her, making her fur lower just the slightest bit.
"Thanks, Rey."
I feel an amused smile grow. It's never going to stop being funny that he named a bird after me. Also flattering and touching, but mostly funny.
"Ready?" I ask.
"Ready," Finn confirms.
We move to the opening. Right before we enter, bird Poe lets out a pained cry, immediately drawing Finn's full attention.
Bird Poe zooms forward and smashes into Finn's neck. He remains huddled there as an anxious ball of fluff.
"It's alright," Finn tries to comfort while petting him. "You don't have to stay."
Bird Poe replies by trying to melt into Finn some more. He isn't leaving. Finn is as touched by his decision as he was by bird Rey's.
I enter the tree and Finn follows. It feels even more sacred inside. The memories are louder here. Still fleeting and impossible to catch, but now there are voices at the edge of my hearing. A hint of the song that used to be here.
I move deeper into what I now realize is a sanctuary. A shrine.
The narrow path leads to a hollowed out space I can't examine the details of. All my attention is on the a naturally formed shelf and the books it holds.
Those aren't books. They can't be. They shine, bright and vivid and touching my every sense. They're knowledge and wisdom, fleeting and everlasting. They're the past and the future, the present and the possibilities that never were.
They're the spark of life fighting so hard to survive.
Part of me is aware that I'm moving closer, that I'm reaching for them –
"Of course she can understand the texts, why am I even surprised?"
I spin around and see Finn do the same. That's the last rational thought I have.
That is Anakin Skywalker.
I stare some more. But no, the image doesn't change. That is the ghost of Anakin Skywalker. Head tilted back as he scowls up at the ceiling, arms crossed, wearing Jedi robes and looking exactly like he did in Revenge of the Sith except for all the ways he doesn't. He's the Force given form in a way I can't quite wrap my head around. I'm literally seeing the Force. And the Force is shaped like Anakin Skywalker. A frustrated, annoyed, and exasperated Anakin Skywalker.
"You're seeing this too, right?" Finn asks without looking at me. Part of me is aware that he's almost as shocked as I am.
Most of me can only stare at the ghost of Anakin Skywalker.
Anakin Skywalker lowers his head to scowl at Finn, before his eyes zero in on me, wide with shock and his hands falling down his side.
"You can see me?" he asks with disbelief. I keep staring.
"Can you hear me?" he demands, shock making way for determination and hope. I keep staring at the ghost of Anakin Skywalker.
"Yeah, we can," Finn answer. Anakin Skywalker ignores him, marching forward and snapping his fingers right in front of my face. It's enough to pull me out of my stupor.
"Can you hear me?" he demands again, backed by the Force in ways I can't describe. I give a jerky nod.
Anakin Skywalker whoops with joy.
"Yes! Finally! Kriffing hell, do you have any idea how long I've been trying to contact you?"
He what?
"I swear, you're the most Force-deaf Force-sensitive I've ever seen."
"I am not," I hear myself say, indignant at his assessment of me. Sure, I had trouble listening to the Force before Maz, but I haven't since then.
"You are," Anakin Skywalker counters with a grin, radiant with giddiness and delight. "It's the damndest thing, you pick up the most difficult things with ridiculous ease, but when it comes to the simple things, you're an utter disaster."
I can't believe that Anakin Skywalker is here and he's insulting me.
"Familiar, this story sounds."
My head snaps to the side. I stare yet again.
That is Yoda, wearing the clothes he did on Dagobah and sitting on a curve in the trunk, casually leaning on his staff. Because why not break my brain a little more.
"I'm not imagining him either, right?" Finn asks while Anakin lets out a disagreeing scoff. I'm absently aware that I shake my head.
"I was never this bad," Anakin Skywalker says to Yoda, still grinning like crazy.
"Disagree I must. This bad you were," Yoda retorts with a peaceful smile, mischievous and fond.
"Rey, do you know them?"
Finn's question succeeds in rebooting my brain.
"Depends on your definition of know," I answer, drawing the attention of both Anakin Skywalker and Yoda.
"This isn't the time to be vague," Finn points out without taking his eyes off Anakin Skywalker. While my words inspired a flicker of amusement, he's mostly wary. He isn't hostile, not yet, but his hand is staying close to his blaster. Which is completely useless. It's not like shooting Force-ghosts will harm them.
Then again, I've never seen a Force-ghost get shot. Maybe it would have an effect on them.
"That's Yoda and that's Anakin Skywalker," I say while pointing at each.
I'm completely caught off guard by Finn's blind terror. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been.
Finn grabs his blaster and aims it at Anakin Skywalker while stepping in front of me, fierce protectiveness joining his terror. Bird Poe and bird Rey gently tug at his hair. I can't tell if it's to calm him down or to warn him not to shoot Anakin Skywalker. Might be both.
Finn ignores them.
"You're Darth Vader?"
This is why I shouldn't have been surprised by Finn's reaction.
"I'm not Darth Vader!" Anakin Skywalker yells with sudden rage, literally glowing with fury and his voice echoing unnaturally throughout the shrine. It makes me reach for my lightsaber on instinct and almost causes Finn to shoot. He ruthless catches himself just in time.
Anakin Skywalker deflates, brightness dimming as his rage is replaced by shame and regret and unending sorrow.
"Not anymore."
Finn doesn't believe him, but he keeps a tight lid on his terror. He also keeps aiming his blaster at Anakin Skywalker. Can't blame him for that. I would've reacted similarly if I hadn't seen the movies.
"What are you doing here?" I ask. Both because I want to know the answer and because I figure a change of topic is definitely in order.
"Looking after my son," Anakin Skywalker answers like it should be the most obvious thing in the world. Which in hindsight it is. Why else would Anakin Skywalker be here?
"You said you've been trying to contact Rey," Finn accuses. It's sweet that he's trying to protect me, but I really don't need it. Especially not against Anakin Skywalker.
More important than that, Finn is right. Anakin Skywalker did say that. Which begs the question.
"Why?" I asks while stepping out from behind Finn. Finn instinctively tries to cover me again, but I give him a warning look. Not only do I not need his protection, but in the incredibly unlikely event that Anakin Skywalker attacks us, I'll be the one who needs to protect him.
Finn stays put. Good.
It lets me focus fully on Anakin Skywalker.
Anakin Skywalker is looking at me in a way that reminds me that while he looks to be in his early twenties, he isn't. He's a living embodiment of the Force.
He's other, in a way I can't comprehend. Not truly.
"You're like Ben."
"I'm not like him." The denial escapes me without thought, harsh and fierce and I can't believe that Anakin Skywalker accused me of being like him. I'm not.
I refuse to be like him.
Anakin Skywalker grimaces and rubs the back of his neck, annoyed with himself. He no longer looks quite so other.
"Should've worded that better."
"Your strong suit, tact has never been."
"Thanks for the support, Master," Anakin Skywalker retorts dryly but I'm far more focused on the realization hitting me.
"You know," I whisper, the words almost getting stuck in my throat. I feel Finn's worry but I can't look away from Anakin Skywalker because he knows. He knows that Kylo Ren and I are from the same world, knows that we both remember.
He knows this isn't our first life.
"Being dead gives you access to all kinds of secrets," Anakin Skywalker says with a wry smile, kind and compassionate and he knows.
"Why did you want to contact me?" I whisper, needing to know the answer and fearing it with all my heart.
Anakin Skywalker's smile fades, sorrow joining his compassion.
I wish I didn't recognize that sorrow.
"...At first it was to make you meet Ben."
Every part of me tenses up, rejecting the very idea of ever meeting that monster by choice. No matter that part of me expected the answer, his sorrow is too familiar to Leia Organa's for anything else, his words still feel like a slap to the face.
"I couldn't tell him about you, the Force wouldn't let me," Anakin Skywalker continues, making everything so much worse. He actually tried to tell Kylo Ren about me? "I hoped to have better luck with you."
"Why?" Why would he even think of doing that, why would he ever want me to meet that monster?
Why would he want to hurt me like that?
"Because you could've saved him."
My laugh is as involuntary as it is mocking.
"Save him? He doesn't want to be saved. The opposite, he's having the time of his life! He chose to become a monster."
That's the absolute worst thing about him. He chose to Fall, chose to become a Sith.
He chose to be evil.
"He wasn't always one."
I clench my jaw at the grief and pain in those words, uncaring of the truth they're spoken with. What does it matter that he wasn't always a monster? He is one now.
Despite how hard I try to prevent it, I start tapping my prosthetic. Because clearly things aren't awful enough already.
"You could've stopped him from becoming a Sith."
I couldn't stop my derisive snort even if I wanted to.
"I highly doubt that." That sick asshole loves to torture me. It's literally his favorite thing to do. If anything, me meeting him before he became Kylo Ren would've made him Fall sooner.
Anakin Skywalker gives me a sad smile.
"You don't have to believe me," he says like it's supposed to be comforting. "But that's why I tried to contact you. At first."
"And now?" I bite out more viciously than intended. "You want me to, what, bring him back to the Light?"
My mocking has zero effect on Anakin Skywalker. He just shakes his head, sorrowful and resigned in a way that makes my heart clench painfully. I don't want to feel sympathy for him. Not when it comes to Kylo Ren.
Not when it comes to his grandson.
Oh, I'm definitely not dealing with that right now.
"No. You could've saved him before he turned. Now..."
Anakin Skywalker lets out a heartbroken sigh. The pain born from love makes everything so much worse.
"He isn't like me."
No, he isn't. For all his flaws, Anakin Skywalker never wanted to be evil. He became one of the worst monsters in the galaxy in the name of love, but he never enjoyed it. He wasn't happy.
Kylo Ren is happy.
Anakin Skywalker's grandson is happy being a Sith. I can't even begin to imagine how awful that must be for him. And that's the last thought I'm going to spare on their relation until I've spend a week meditating at the absolute least.
"I wanted to warn you," Anakin Skywalker continues. The knowledge that he knew just how obsessed that monster was going to become with me, that he knew how he was going to hurt me, makes my throat tighten with a mess of emotions. I can't even begin to describe what I'm feeling, but none of it is pleasant.
"I wanted to train you, to prepare you."
And he actually manages to make everything even worse. His words make it feel like our meeting was inevitable.
It wasn't. The Force tells me it wasn't. But it was close.
It would've taken a miracle for me not to meet him.
"After you met him, I wanted to train you even more. You needed help."
"I still do." The confession escape me without thought, but now that I've started, it's impossible to stop. "I don't know how to kill him without Falling."
I came so close to Falling on Starkiller Base. So close to destroying myself, to letting my hatred consume me until there's nothing else left.
I came so close to hurting him like he's hurt me.
I want to hurt him like he's hurt me.
"I want to hurt him so badly."
And that terrifies me as nothing else does. Not even him.
It would be so easy to give in. To hunt him down and fight him until he's at my mercy again, to have him powerless and unable to stop me from doing whatever I want. Except this time I wouldn't walk away. I would hurt him, I would inflict on him every torture he's put me through, I would tear him apart piece by piece until there's nothing left.
And at the end of it, I wouldn't feel satisfied. During, yes, oh yes how I would feel satisfied, how I would feel exhilarated in a way I never have before. But not after. After, I'd feel hollow and lost. I'd feel a bottomless hunger to experience the ecstasy of hurting him again.
Except I wouldn't be able to. He'd be dead, and I'd be left with an emptiness I'd never be able to fill.
I'm terrified of what I'd do to fill that emptiness.
"I wish I could help you."
Anakin Skywalker's voice is a mere whisper, full of a compassion and understanding. It makes my fear so much worse. He knows that I'm not being irrational. Knows just how easy it would be for me to become a monster as awful as Kylo Ren.
"But I can't. Not with that."
And he regrets that so much. It's not that he doesn't want to teach me, he does, he so desperately does. But he can't.
He doesn't know how to keep me from Falling either.
"You need to find your center on your own. No one can do that for you."
I close my eyes, anger rising above the rest of my emotions. What stunning words of wisdom.
I wish they weren't true. Wish that he could help me.
He can't. I'll either find a way to remain in control during our fights, or I'll be consumed by anger and hatred until I'm nothing but a shell of my former self.
"I have faith in you," Anakin Skywalker says, making me open my eyes. He's giving me a faint but warm smile, affectionate in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel open and vulnerable.
It makes me feel like he knows me.
"You remind me of Luke."
Before today, that would've been the highest compliment possible. Now, I don't know whether to feel flattered or insulted. I'm leaning towards the latter.
Before I can say anything in return, Anakin Skywalker disappears.
"Who are you?"
And Luke Skywalker is here. Wonderful.
I ignore him and look at where Yoda was sitting. He's gone as well. I'm not surprised by this.
"Well," I say to Finn, whose wariness disappeared as soon as Anakin Skywalker and Yoda disappeared. He is, however, still worried about me. A lot. "That was..." I trail off, not knowing how to finish.
"Interesting?" Finn provides, trying to get me to smile.
It works.
"That's one way to put it," I say with a faint smile. Some of Finn's worry disappears.
"Who are you?" the void that is Luke Skywalker repeats while moving deeper into the sanctuary, looking at me with a frown. His lack of presence is even more awful than usual. It feels, and there really is no other way to put this, like he's defiling something sacred just by being here.
"Pretty sure we've already told you who we are. Multiple times," Finn actually snaps. He's just as surprised by his own hostility as I am. I'm betting it's caused by the sheer wrongness of Luke Skywalker's absence in this place.
Luke Skywalker ignores Finn. Seriously, who do people keep doing that? It's not just rude, it's insulting.
I can't help but take a step back when Luke Skywalker gets too close. It feels like there are nails raking across my brain, that's how awful his lack of presence is here.
Luke Skywalker stops coming closer. Good.
"Who are you, Rey?"
So he wasn't completely ignoring Finn. How nice.
"Someone who doesn't want to be near you," I snap while circling around him and moving to the exit. Even ignoring the nails raking across my brain, I need to get away from him. After everything that just happened, I can't deal with having my childhood hero shatter my image of him some more. "Unless you've changed your mind about coming back with us?" I ask halfheartedly, neither expecting nor wishing the answer to be yes.
"Because obviously I came to the most unfindable place in the galaxy for no reason," Luke Skywalker counters in a voice like the desert, still frowning as he continues to look at me. I really wish he'd stop doing that.
"Leaving a map behind kind of ruins the definition of unfindable," Finn points out while circling around Luke Skywalker as well, putting his plaster away.
Luke Skywalker's frown grows deeper and he turns his gaze towards Finn.
"Map? I didn't leave–"
His frown smoothes out.
"Artoo."
Huh. That explains a few things. It also reminds me.
"R2-D2 is here."
Luke Skywalker's gaze snaps towards me. Good to see his isn't completely numb to his friends. Just mostly.
"He's on my ship. He wants to see you, but he's waiting for you to come to him."
Even with him being a horrible void, Luke Skywalker manages to convey a wealth of emotions. I just can't tell what those emotions are.
"He misses you."
Manipulative, maybe, but I can't just stand by and do nothing. Not after seeing how hurt R2-D2 is by Luke Skywalker's absence.
This time I have no trouble interpreting Luke Skywalker's expression. He looks pained. I'd almost call it heartbroken.
It makes my anger fade. This is Luke Skywalker and he isn't supposed to be like this. He's supposed to be perfect. But that's the child in me talking. The girl who clung to the heroes of the movies in order to keep her sanity intact while struggling to survive on Jakku.
I have no right to make judgements about Luke Skywalker. No right to make judgements about how broken he is.
Not when I'm so close to breaking myself.
I hate it when I get in a self-pity mood like this.
Turning around, I leave both the sanctuary and Luke Skywalker. Finn follows.
Luke Skywalker doesn't.
Bird Poe and bird Rey relax as soon as we're out of the tree. Bird Poe takes to the air with soft but happy chirps, looping over Finn's head as we make our way to the rest of his birds. Bird Rey flies up and lands on Finn's head, before stomping down in a clear reprimand.
"It wasn't that bad," Finn tells bird Rey. He actually means it, too.
Bird Poe lets out a squawk that makes clear just what he thinks of that statement. Bird Rey gives Finn's head another reprimanding stomp, careful to keep her claws from hurting him.
"They're right, it was that bad," I say. Bird Poe lets out a smug chirp. Bird Rey glares at me, not pleased with me taking her side. I have no idea what her problem with me is, but it's more than a little funny.
In my current state, every bit of humor is welcome.
Finn grins. He's still worried about me, but it's a lot less strong than before.
"So what–"
Whatever Finn was going to say next is cut off as we cross some invisible line and he's bombarded by his birds. There's a brief flash of pain as the birds impacting with his chest make his burns flare up, as well as light pain from the pressure on his injured hand, but Finn is far more focused on keeping himself from falling over as he's covered in birds from literal head to toe.
I stare at the mountain of birds, all chirping and nuzzling and being a generall mass of happiness and relief. There's not a single part of Finn visible.
I burst out laughing, impossible to contain even if I wanted to. Finn tries to say something, but the bird covering his mouth prevents that. It makes me laugh even harder, the picture more hilarious than I can describe. This is just perfect.
It's exactly what I needed.
I'm so glad that Finn is here with me.
I don't know what I would've done without him.
"You're demoted."
"What?" Demoted? What for? "Wait," he says when Leia tries to move past him, grabbing her arm to prevent her from leaving. The warning glare she gives his hand is enough to make him snatch it back as fast he can, but he's far more focused on him being demoted of all things.
"We took down a dreadnought." And she's demoting him for it? Did she hit her head during the evacuation?
"At what cost?" she snaps, her temper all Leia, her demand all General.
Poe ignores the way he feels like a kid called in front of the principal. He did the right thing.
"You start an attack, you follow it through–"
"Poe, get your head out of your cockpit," she interrupts before he can finish explaining and he knows that her temper is always at an all time high after losing even one of their people, never mind as many as they lost now, and he knows he isn't in the best state of mind either, knows that he's taking everything too personally.
It doesn't stop her next words from hitting him like a blaster to the gut.
"There are things that you cannot solve by jumping into an X-wing and blowing something up!" she says like that's all he is, like he's some trigger happy flyboy with no idea of what he's doing. Like he didn't prove himself long before he joined the Resistance, like he hasn't proven himself over and over again since joining!
He barely resists the urge to lash out at her, struggling to keep his temper under control.
"Leia."
Han's voice is soft and understanding and a thousand other things, none of them reproachful.
It drains all the fight from the General. Under other circumstances, Poe would be impressed.
"I did the right thing," he says in what is an even voice with the greatest of efforts. He needs her to see that, to admit it. "The fleet is gone. If we want to have even the slightest chance of regrouping and launching a counteroffensive on the First Order, we need to get rid of their dreadnoughts, and especially their Mandator IV-class Dreadnoughts, before they can pick off our remaining forces. Those things shoot through deflector shields like they aren't even there."
Hell, they can even break through some planetary shields. Their only saving grace is that the First Order only has a handful of them.
Every single one of them has the potential to destroy any chance they have at recovering from the loss of the fleet.
"Is that why you did it?" the General demands, no longer angry. Instead she's full of the ruthless determination that made the Resistance into the formidable organization it is, despite their small size. In some ways, this is even worse than her anger.
It makes him avert his eyes, avoiding the gaze that seems to pierce into his very soul.
No, that isn't why he did it. He did it because he wanted to hurt the First Order, to make them pay for what they did. To the Republic, to the billions of people in the Hosnian system. To his friends in the fleet.
He didn't start the plan out of a need for revenge. But revenge is why he finished it.
It doesn't change the fact that he was right to do so.
"Does it matter?" he asks, forcing himself to meet the eyes that make him feel stripped down to the bone. Only the General can make him feel like this.
"Yes, Poe, it matters," Leia says in a way he would call pleading if it came from anyone but her.
Disappointed in a way that makes involuntary shame rise.
"Leaders can't afford to do the right thing for the wrong reasons. I need you to learn that."
His shame grows. He knows that she wants him to take over after her, it's not like it's a secret. Most of the time he feels confident that he'll be able to meet her expectations.
Right now he doesn't.
"General..."
He doesn't know how to finish. Doesn't even know what he's trying to say.
He did the right thing. Yes, it wasn't for the right reasons, but it was still the right thing to do. He would've done the same even if he hadn't wanted to make the First Order pay. And yes, that's a mistake leaders of the General's caliber can't afford to make, but he isn't like her. Not yet. He isn't ready to take over yet and they both know it. He makes mistakes and he learns from them.
But to demote him? What lesson is there in that? What good will it do for the Resistance? He's her best Commander and she knows it. She's crippling them at a time they can least afford it.
She's making a mistake herself. One she can't afford to make. Not at a time like this.
Not when she's their leader.
Before he can share his realization, the proximity alarm goes off. It makes his mind jump to high alert and he's already running to the monitors before he's made the conscious decision to do so.
"Proximity alert!" Grand Admiral Ackbar yells but Poe is far more focused on the readings that can't be true.
"They found us," Michaela says and the part of Poe not occupied by staring at the impossible readings recognizes the panic in her voice.
He's panicking as well.
Six Resurgent-class Destroyers, three of which they just escaped.
Except they didn't escape. The First Order found them.
"That's impossible."
He's barely of the words escaping him, still struggling to comprehend what the sensors are saying is there. Then everything becomes so much worse.
A Mega-class Dreadnought appears. They know of only one Mega-class Dreadnought in the First Order.
"That's Snoke's ship."
Snoke is here. They're in the middle of nowhere and Snoke is here.
"You've got to be kidding me."
His fear snaps into the focus of battle, adrenaline pumping and his mind focused on only one thing. They need to get out of here right now.
Every one of them will die if they don't.
AN: I don't normally reply to anonymous comments (though if any anon has a question, I'll make sure to answer them in AN's from now on) but I just wanted to say thank you to Helig for the wonderful comment you left on the previous chapter. It's one of the best I've ever gotten, it really is.