Trigger warning for graphic depiction of self-harm.
It had been a week, and they were no closer to resolving the situation. Kevin's translating was coming along, but not in the way they'd hoped. He was able to translate it into Cuneiform, another dead language. Luckily, they were in a bunker full of knowledge. They had an entire section of volumes on dead languages. 24 books to be exact. So they spent their days looking through, trying to find the key to breaking the code.
Cas was getting worse. He had underestimated the intensity of human emotions. Everything was magnified. He found himself having totally irrational thoughts and feelings. They ran out of peanut butter one day, and it felt like the end of the world.
It was interesting; he was technically more alive than he'd ever been. He had a heartbeat, he had to breathe...but somehow he felt dead inside. As an Angel, he was always buzzing with a celestial energy. He could bring someone back from the brink of death! But now...he was barely hanging on.
Without the ability to communicate with his brothers and sisters, he felt so alone. And so useless. He wasn't a soldier anymore, he was just...him. He wasn't even sure who he was. This was Jimmy Novak's body, but in a way it belonged to him now. Jimmy was in Heaven.
He was always tired. The nightmares didn't go away, as Dean said they would. Each night was a battle against his own mind.
Along with the constant fatigue, he was always cold. It wasn't a physical chill, but a kind of icy despair that left him frozen inside.
For centuries, Castiel had looked down upon humans who considered taking their own lives. Why throw away such a precious gift? The mortal lifespan was already so fleeting.
But he understood it now.
He wasn't suicidal. He understood that he needed to fix the damage he'd done. Death was too good for him at this point. He deserved to suffer.
And that's how he found himself bleeding on the bathroom floor at 2AM. The first cut was shallow. Just a small nick along the skin of his wrist with his angel blade. It bled very little, about the same as a shaving cut. But it felt so good. The pain chased away his thoughts, if only for a moment. He made another slice, this one deeper. The blood dripping across his arm was warm. He choked back a relieved sob.
He needed this.
It quickly became a habit. After every nightmare, Cas would drag the blade across his skin. It woke him up, reminded him of what was real. It was so hard to tell sometimes. He wasn't used to dreams, let alone nightmares. If he could feel pain, he was awake. And alive.
"God, I am so bored." Dean groaned. "We've been at this for a week."
Sam sighed. "Look, it's not fun, but do we really have another choice?"
"We could always ask Crowley."
"That's a last resort for a reason."
"Fine." Dean shook his head. "But I need a break. I'm gonna go look for a case, see if there's anything worth our time."
"BINGO." The older hunter plopped his laptop down in front of Sam and Cas.
"Four missing in Rexburg, Idaho. Presumed dead, but no bodies have been released to the families. And there were reports of a 'strange substance' at the crime scenes."
"That...definitely sounds like our kinda thing." Sam said.
"Roadtrip, anyone?" Dean grinned.
"You guys go ahead." Kevin said, barely looking up. "This is actually really interesting. I think I've almost reached the section on Elamite..."
"Alright. Pack your bags, boys. We're going to Idaho."
Cas was happy to get out of the bunker, but this was his first case as a human. He was a little worried; he didn't want to make a mistake and put Sam and Dean in danger. He knew his way around a shotgun, and he was decent in hand-to-hand combat. But his biggest asset, his angel powers, were gone.