A/N: Well here it is! After many months I published a chapter! As usual, if you enjoy my story please let me know! I enjoy getting reviews. Thanks to those that did review and as always thanks Angelwomon! Flashbacks are in italics.
Disclaimer: I only own Shane and I would also like to note that I think racism is very wrong. Shane will learn this in due time, hopefully.
Demons
Judy had been standing outside Ioki and Penhall's apartment for a half an hour. It would be dark soon, and she really wanted to relax now that she had gotten off work. Doug had already given her a key, but she had a bone to pick with Ioki about his little episode earlier in the day. She shook her head and let out a sigh. She was really trying not to be angry with Harry, but to blame Doug and quit your job because of anger made Judy really frustrated. She thought of Penhall. She was falling more in love with him every day, and they had been discussing moving in together for a few weeks, but Judy wished Doug's sudden decision to move in was because of something else other than arguing with Harry. She startled when she felt Harry jog up behind her. She turned around and observed Harry in full running gear with his walkman headphones around his neck. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes because of her anger; it was clear to her that he had been doing some thinking himself.
"Judy, what are you doing here? Harry asked. He was a bit out of breath, and he was still jogging in place.
"I just came by to thank you," Judy replied. Her voice remained even and calm; she wouldn't give away to Harry that she was livid with him. Not yet. Being an undercover cop was really helping her improve her acting skills.
Harry stopped jogging and looked at Judy, confused, "For what?" Harry asked.
"Well, because Doug's so pissed at you from this morning, he's decided to finally move in with me. I wanted to say thanks because you pushed him into the decision," Judy answered. Her voice exuded a fake kindness that made Harry realize Judy was just as mad as Penhall.
Harry looked at her apologetically, "Jude…" She cut him off.
"Save it Harry. Can you just let me in? Doug needs his clothes." Her arms were folded across her chest.
Harry could only nod. He briskly shoved his key into his apartment door. He knew not to mess with Judy when she was mad. She shoved her way past him silently. Harry followed her into Doug's room where he stood stone-faced as he watched Judy grab a few shirts, boxers and jeans.
"I don't want him to leave. I never meant for it to escalate the way it did." Harry mumbled. He suddenly felt really bad about Doug wanting to leave.
"You should've thought about that before you did what you did, Harry. Tom's pretty upset right now too. He had your back a few weeks ago when you were suspended over the hearing. Fuller was about to fire you that day, and now you throw your job away because Doug was only trying to help. We all were," Judy said. She couldn't look at him right now. Why was he being so stubborn?
Harry could feel himself starting to get annoyed again. Why should he have to think about his actions when his actions weren't anyone's business in the first place . He rolled his neck a few times to help relax his slowly tensing muscles, and to give himself a chance to think before he spoke. He didn't exactly want to yell at Judy, even if he was mad. "Why are you guys so concerned about what goes on with me off duty anyways? I've dealt with this for years Jude and it hasn't affected my work, so what is it? Are all of you all worried because what went down with IAD because even if that was the case Fuller had no right to do this," Harry exclaimed. He sat down on what used to be Doug's bed and took some deep breaths. He was trying really hard to not go overboard.
Judy couldn't believe what she was hearing. She dropped the pile of clothes she had in her hand and immediately sat next to Harry. She turned to face him; her hands rested on her hips. Her facial expression changed from anger to a look of hurt."Ioki, is that all you think this is about, your job?
Harry shrugged, "that's what it seems like with Fuller lately. It's like he doesn't trust me."
Harry heard Judy scoff, "Oh please Harry. I know you know that's a total load."
"It is not a total load! All I've felt since him finding out who I really am is alienation," Harry said.
Judy gave Harry a serious look, "Harry he's not doing that. You are the most experienced officer he has. You're forgetting that Fuller is a minority, too. This has nothing to do with race. He's seeing what we see, a very tired very stressed out version of yourself. Can't you tell that you've changed? You won't come out after work, you don't really hang out with us period anymore. Doug's really missing you Harry. How can you not see that?"
Harry sighed and just looked at Judy like he was confused.
"C'mon, Ioki, what is going on with you? You weren't acting like yourself this morning either. I can see now that me being mad at you will solve nothing. You can talk to me. I know you aren't ready to be helped, but you can't go on like this forever, so I'll be here when you realize that," Judy whispered. She then wrapped Harry in a hug before standing up with Doug's clothes in her hand. She headed for the door.
"Wait!" Harry said loudly. This caused Judy to immediately drop the clothes.
"You want to talk now? Harry you don't have—"
He cut her off and motioned for her to sit. Judy nodded and quickly found her spot back on Penhall's bed. She didn't want him to change his mind.
"It's Shane," Harry mumbled. He noticed that Judy had put her arm around him again. He was somewhat comforted by the fact that she was no longer yelling at him.
"So it is about her. Harry I'm sorry. If I had known you'd react to her like this, I would've never encouraged—"
Harry cut her off again. Harry stood up and walked over to Doug's dresser and picked up the baseball Doug caught at the Mariner's game last August. He rolled the ball between his fingers remembering that night with Hanson and Penhall. He sighed, "She was beautiful last night Jude."
Judy raised an eyebrow. "So, you're saying Penhall got it right? You do like her? Judy asked.
"I didn't say that. I was just saying that she has got to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and I work with a very pretty lady every day. Does she always dress like that? I mean since you guys apparently know her and everything. Harry asked, glancing over at Judy who had a small blush on her face.
Judy shrugged, "Well I don't know how she dresses when it comes to her professional endeavors, but I suppose she looks pretty good when we see her at McQueens."
Harry gave Judy somewhat of a surprised look. "I've never seen her at McQueen's. When was she there?" Harry asked.
Judy shook her head and sighed, "Harry, she owns McQueen's. Why do you think we get discounts on beer? If you actually came with us, you would've met her already. "
"Wait, she owns McQueens? Why? How?" Harry stuttered out of shock.
"Harry, you make it sound like women are incapable. Why is it such a shock to you that she owns the place?" Judy asked. "And I have no idea how she came to own it."
Harry ran his hands through his hair and let them fall to his sides again. This new piece of information irritated him. It only made want her more, but yet he couldn't stand her. "It's just…it's impressive, Harry admitted, begrudgingly.
Judy looked at Harry, bewildered, "Yeah we thought you'd like that. She has a pretty extensive knowledge of beer and wine that could rival you. You guys could go wine tasting, but you just seem like you are hesitant. What went wrong last night Ioki, and don't tell me you were only pissed off because Doug didn't tell you she was a woman? You would not quit your job over that."
Harry sighed and tossed the ball to Judy. They tossed the ball back and forth while he talked and thought about what happened the night prior:
"Are you coming out of the elevator or not?" A voice pulled Harry out of his head. He looked up, embarrassed as he saw a young woman standing in front of him. She supported herself on a pair of crutches. "If you're not coming out you need to go back down stairs. I have people coming who actually need it," the woman said with a tone of annoyance.
A blush spread across Harry's face as he stepped out of the elevator. "Sorry, I was just thinking about going back," Harry said, still embarrassed. He noticed that the woman standing in front of him had a smirk on her face. Her green eyes appeared to be smoldering.
"I would want to turn around too, if I was a Vietnamese about to sit down in a support group that he's not welcome in. I mean I won't be rude to you, but they might be," smirked the woman.
Harry felt the heat suddenly flow back to his face, but this time it wasn't out of embarrassment. It was out of shock. He hadn't expected Shane to be a woman and be so hostile. He hadn't expected her so beautiful either. Harry opened his mouth to speak but closed it again because he couldn't find his words. He just stood there in limbo staring at her. What could he say? His first instinct was to be rude, but he knew she was just trying to get a reaction out of him; at least that's what he thought her motive was. He could just turn around and leave, but then what would he tell Doug? He still felt really guilty about him.
"I'm sure I can handle whatever they have to say, thanks," Harry replied a few minutes later. He tried to hide the slight hint of sarcasm in his voice as he uttered the word thanks. He looked at his watch. It was only five thirty. How had he managed to get here so early?
He watched Shane as she hobbled over to a chair. She used them to help herself turn on her feet and pivot into the seat. She set her crutches down on the floor next to her. This was the first time he really noticed Shane in detail. She was wearing a light purple sequin tank complete with a leather blazer. Her black jeans and made her look taller than she really was, and her black flats covered what appeared to be very tiny feet. Her auburn colored hair was teased to frame her face. Everything she did just brought out her eyes even more. Suddenly his thoughts switched to why she had the crutches in the first place, but he felt that this wasn't his business to ask.
"You don't have to stand there, you know. You can sit down." Shane asserted with a lack of emotion.
Harry felt himself blush again. Shane's lack of emotion towards him made him feel like she was condescending as if she felt she was above him. Feeling uncomfortable and annoyed that he was letting her get to him, Harry quickly took a seat in the chair he was closest to. He really wished he could sit as far away from Shane as possible but the circular arrangement of the chairs made that impossible. She was across from him no matter where he sat. He had to constantly remind himself that he was doing this for Doug.
"So you're the illusive roommate who's always busy after work that Penhall talks about Nice of you to finally make an appearance," Shane quipped icily.
Harry felt shivers run up his spine when Shane put an emphasis on finally. Was she implying that Doug felt neglected because he had been so busy with applying for a name change and trying to find his grandmother? How much did Penhall tell this woman? Did Doug really feel neglected? He had been really anxious about other things and hadn't really felt like spending time watching football or fishing for women in bars. Maybe he was just paranoid. "Funny, you're the woman he failed to mention," he shot back.
His rebuttal to her snarky comment was only met with silence, and it stayed that way for about ten minutes. Shane just sat there with her hands at her sides. Her heart shaped lips were pursed and Harry knew that she was clearly thinking about what he said. Who's under whose skin now? He thought. His thoughts were a mix of how annoying he found Shane's pretentions personality, and her natural beauty. Harry was having a hard time. He wouldn't care so much if she looked like a model: fake boobs, fake nails, fake eyelashes, but there she was with a normal body type. She had a little extra weight on her from the belly button up. She wasn't some hourglass figure, and he could guess that she didn't care and that made him crazy.
"Funny Doug didn't mention you were one of them,. Shane retorted.
One of them. So, Harry's first impressions about Shane were correct. She was judging him because of his race. What did Doug say about him? Harry felt his jaw start to clench.
"You know as the overseer of a support group designed for people who've been through a trauma you aren't very supportive," Harry said.
"Penhall thinks I'm supportive. That counts for something right? I fill the void when you aren't around," Shane countered, shrugging
What a comeback. What a way to make him feel even guiltier about Doug. Don't let her win, thought Harry.
"This has nothing to do with Penhall," Harry muttered defensively.
Shane placed her arms across her chest gave Harry a questionable look, "It doesn't? Then why are you here?"
Harry began tapping his feet hard on the floor. He knew she was right. He saw that she was looking down at his rapidly moving feet.
"Do I make you nervous, Harry, or did you just realize that I'm right, and that this really is about Penhall?" Shane asked.
"You're wrong," Harry whispered, squirming in his chair.
"Am I, because if that were the case, that would mean you are here for yourself and not Doug. Are you admitting, then, that Doug is right and you do need help?" Shane asked, as she flipped her hair over her shoulder and put it in a hair tie. She was continuing to ignore the fact that Harry was uncomfortable.
"You know what? I really don't like that you think you know me so well because of what Penhall says. What makes you such an expert anyway?" Harry asked.
Shane chuckled and looked at Harry like he was crazy, "You are seriously asking me what makes me qualified to do this? Sweetheart, I have a bachelors degree in psychology, and I just spent another three years earning a masters in marriage and family therapy. I'm a licensed therapist in this god awful state. You really want to question my qualifications? Okay, I'll admit I don't have a doctorate. Sorry if I'm not qualified enough for you. The elevators right over there; you don't have to stay. It won't hurt my feelings any if you go." She made a gesture toward the elevator.
Harry leaned forward so he was so close their noses could touch. "Why did you even give Penhall the idea you could help me? Harry asked.
"Because, I thought I could help you until you showed up," Shane admitted.
"Oh right, you hate the Vietnamese. How could I forget?" Harry sneered. "Why not just ask me to leave?"
"That would require both of us to lie to Penhall, which we can't do, and besides you might be of some use to me tonight. I figure that when we're done here you'll just tell him you hated it, and we can be on our merry way, now if you'll excuse me I need to use the ladies room before everyone gets here." Shane said. She grabbed her crutches and pushed herself into a standing position, but before she could walk away, Harry stopped her.
"Wait, you said you could use me. I don't want to be part of some crazy experiment," Harry said, sternly
Shane laughed, "You make it sound like I'm a mad scientist or something. It's nothing like that. I can't get these men to talk, about anything. Being Vietnamese, you might help give them a visual for their anger and whatever else they might be feeling."
"So, I'm the common denominator for their hatred of the war because I'm Vietnamese?" Harry asked.
Shane nodded, "That's the simple explanation, but it's a little more complicated than that. So, I need to ask you, are you willing to help, and how much can you handle? "
Harry shrugged, "well I don't want to lie to Doug, so I guess, and what do you mean how much can I handle?"
"How much verbal abuse can you take? I normally let the guys say whatever they want, but if you so desire, I will tell them to tread lightly," Shane explained.
Harry thought for a minute. He had heard every racial slur when it came to being Vietnamese, so that didn't really bother him much. It's what else they could possibly say to him: the experiences he might remind them of, but they're all grown men. He refused to be portrayed by Shane as a weakling.
"Like I said earlier, I can handle a lot of things. I've been called a lot of names. High school in the years immediately after the war gave me a tough skin," Harry muttered through tightly clenched teeth.
"Ah yes, those years were turbulent and that's putting it lightly," replied Shane. Harry noticed she made a gesture toward her legs. They were bowed slightly at her knees. She didn't quite stand straight either. He could tell he relied on the crutches quite a bit. He wondered if she was bullied because of that.
He was pulled out of his thoughts again when Shane spoke up, "alright then I'll be back in a few." She then limped off to the bathroom.
Harry decided he had time to head back downstairs and smoke a cigarette. The chilly air felt good on his face as he struggled to get his lighter to light. He was feeling overwhelmed by his interactions with the woman Doug had clearly tried to set him up with. He could see why Doug thought they would be a smart match. She was definitely his type physically; he didn't care about the disability even though he was really curious. At first, he thought it was a broken ankle, but after seeing her move, he realized it was more than that. Finally. He took a deep drag of his cigarette and felt instantly relaxed again. Shane was obviously smart as hell with a fiery personality and it was clear to him that she refused to deal with ignorance. Yet, she was so ignorant when it came to him. Harry shook his head out of annoyance. He felt like a teenage boy that wanted what he couldn't have. He shouldn't be attracted to the angry, hurt, and completely racist part of her. The more he thought about it the more he wanted to hold her and show her how wrong she was. He wanted to know her ties to the war. He wanted to know everything, but he knew he couldn't see her after this. She wouldn't change for anyone. She was set in her ways, and it wasn't his job to fix her. Besides, how would she be able to empathize with him anyway? Harry sighed, took one last puff of his cigarette, and headed back upstairs.
Harry was shocked to see how many people had shown up in the ten minutes he had been downstairs. He was the last one to return to the room. He suddenly felt his chest tighten again as he glanced quickly at Shane. She glared back at him; she was clearly waiting on him. He didn't need her to say anything for him to immediately understand what she wanted. He sat down in an empty chair without missing a beat and looked around the room. Harry wasn't sure what he was expecting when it came to the men that Shane apparently helped, but it wasn't what was in front of him. These men were just ordinary, beat up men. They all had the marks of the Woodstock generation with their old dirty t-shirts and jeans. Some were parked in empty spaces sitting in their wheelchairs, missing limbs. Others seemed to be lost in their own mind, talking to themselves, or not talking at all. For some strange reason, Harry was intrigued by one man who was enthralled in a deep conversation with Shane. He swore he was a reincarnation of his former Captain Jenko. Harry sighed. Jenko had known about his name the whole time. What would he think now about all this? He looked back at Shane and the man. They had stopped talking, and Shane was trying to get everyone's attention. The man stood up and whistled loudly, getting the attention of the others.
"Thanks Chris, now you all probably have noticed that we have someone new with us this evening," Shane gestured toward Harry, "and I will get to who he is, but first I want to talk about last week. You guys have made such great progress since Chris started this group a few years ago. Last week was the first time I've seen you guys support each other like a group. You all spoke, which I know for some of you, is a difficult thing to do. The next thing I'd like to focus on is your anger," Shane said. She had a look of accomplishment on her face until she heard most of the men grumble.
"We have a damn right to be angry. Look at what those communist bastards did to me. I sure wouldn't expect you to understand, though, seeing as you were just a kid then," Mark, the man missing an arm and a leg, protested.
Harry was frozen where he sat. His gaze was focused on the man who just spoke. He was intrigued by what was happening, but he was also somewhat apprehensive. He had never really heard the view point of an American soldier on the Vietnam War before. Sure, he had known what the general American public thought growing up, but hearing that much animosity directly from the men he owed so much to was difficult. Even though the man was getting nods and approval from the others, Shane remained calm, and she wasn't condescending.
"Mark, let me ask you something. Would you have said any of this three weeks ago?" Shane asked gently.
Mark thought for a moment and answered with what seemed like a renewed sense of knowledge, "Uh, no, probably not."
"See? You guys have all this new anger because you're learning to accept your pasts. The exposure therapy we've been using has taught you all to recognize your triggers. The world is changing, and as long as you stay angry, you can't change with it," Shane encouraged.
Harry resisted the urge to say something. For a person who wanted to promote change and healing among her patients, she didn't seem so changed herself. Her words echoed in the back of his mind like a broken record. One of them—she barely even knew him, and she had so much anger and blame. But as he sat there and watched her interact with these men, he wondered if this façade she put up was because it was what she wanted to be. Harry returned his attention to the group. They seemed receptive to what she had said.
"What do you suggest we do about our anger? We can't just change how we feel," one of the men asserted.
"Can't or don't want to? Shane asked.
The man shrugged. Shane continued, "It's important to confront your anxiety and fears when it comes to your feelings. It's okay to experience your feelings. I want you to get angry, sad or whatever, so tonight I thought about trying something." Shane panned around the room with her gaze finally landing on Harry. "Tonight we have a new person in our group. He is a friend of a friend and this friend of mine thinks he has a problem. Harry, here, however, refuses to see how much his demons are hurting those around him. He thinks his past demons are the worst there ever could possibly be, but I'd like him to see that there are various perspectives to every situation."
"So what's your story then man? You can't be much older than Shane," Mark asked. His misty gaze focused on Harry closely.
Harry immediately felt himself clam up. The only people he had told about his past were his coworkers, and that had not gone very well. He wasn't about to tell complete and total strangers his past especially if they were going to be racist like Shane. He didn't care what anybody thought he wasn't ready for this.
"I'm sorry, but I can't do this. Shane you can tell Doug whatever you want, but I refuse to go along with your schemes," Harry yelled
"So, after you said that you just left?" Judy asked, calmly.
Harry nodded and once again threw the ball back to Judy, "I'm sorry I let everyone down, but it made me so nervous. I'm just not ready to share with people I don't know. I just walked back to the car and left. Shane didn't even try to change my mind. She just let me walk away.
"Did you want her to stop you from walking away? You want help?"
Harry set the ball down and shook his head. He sat down on Doug's bed again and sighed, running his hands through his hair, "Of course I want help Jude. It's not like I enjoy waking up every night pining for my parents. I just don't want some shrink at the police station picking my brain for my feelings, and I don't know what I expected of Shane. I just want someone I can trust who knows what I'm going through."
"It's not her fault, you know. I mean, the racist part of her is inexcusable, but it's not her fault. Just like the nightmares aren't your fault. I know what you expected once you found out she was a woman. You expected her to chase after you and try to get you to come back right? You're attracted to her, Ioki, and there's nothing wrong with that, but Shane has her own demons to chase. " Judy said as she wrapped her arm around Harry's shoulder.
Is that why you, Hanson and Penhall devised this little plan. You think I can fix her?"
Judy shrugged, "let's just say she knows what it's like to lose someone, and you said you wanted someone who you could trust, well she needs the same thing. Show her that she has no reason to be racist against you.
Harry thought for a second. He loved a challenge, and frankly, over the last 48 hours all he thought about was helping her.
Harry sighed, "that sounds like a tough job." "I wouldn't even know where to begin."
"You could start by apologizing to Doug and Tom and asking for your job back. Look, tomorrow night the Cougars are playing, and I know you refuse to miss any football game that involves your alma mater. Everyone is going to be there, even Fuller.
Harry raised an eyebrow and looked at Judy as if he were shocked. "How did you manage to pull that off?
"Simple I told him you'd be willing to take the suspension once I talked to you, but he needs to hear it from you.
Harry rolled his eyes and grunted in protest, "Judy I don't need to be suspended!" "I will go insane when I'm not working."
Judy sighed, "Harry you haven't slept well in days, and you don't need the stress of a collar right now. You need sleep. It's not for as long as you think anyway, only a month of paid leave. If you need it longer coach understands."
Harry opened his mouth to say something for the sake of arguing, but Judy cut him off, "No more buts Ioki. Just take the suspension and show up tomorrow, okay?" He saw Judy pick up the pile of Doug's clothes and head towards the door. He ran to grab the door for her.
"I'll think about it Jude," Harry said genuinely when he felt Judy kiss him on the cheek.
Before leaving Judy whispered, "You don't have to fight these demons alone either, Harry, and I know you'll be there because you never miss a cougar game"