What You Know vs. What You Feel

Chapter 3 – What he Hides

This chapter is short, but it contains a big ol' twisteroo! An anon reviewer on AO3 who flatteringly calls herself "chick who thinks you rock" wrote in her comment, "Am I the only reader sofar who is really curious to what Ethan got all giddy about his phone in chapter one for?" Well, you're all about to find out!

"Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides."André Malraux

"Damn it, Ethan, I told you to forget about him!" Paul insisted as he finished packing the last of his belongings Thursday morning. "Do you want to validate the rape accusation? Do you want to get yourself pinned with harassment? Even without a formal charge there are still these things called civil suits, ya know! I'm telling you this as your legal counsel and as your friend. Come back to Louisiana with me and never even THINK about Dr. Spencer Reid again as long as you live!"

Ethan huffed in frustration. "Fuck it, Paul. You're right."

"And delete that video, too."

"Aw, come on, Pauly," Ethan pleaded teasingly.

"Oh, no! Don't you 'Aw come on Pauly' me. It's incriminating and if anyone but the two of us ever find out about it, you're jazzy little ass is right back in jail to stay this time."

Ethan huffed again. "Fine. But can we watch it one more time?"

"You know you sound like my three-year-old niece? She wants to watch Despicable Me over and over and over again and you, Ethan, ARE despicable."

"Yeah, but you know you like me like that. Hybristophilia I believe is what it's called, when you get turned on by someone who's committed some heinous crime. Grand theft, murder, terrorism," Ethan held up his phone and a look of danger spiked with lust snuck onto his face. "Even rape."

Paul couldn't hide that he was tempted, and Ethan could tell. They had watched it together the after returning to the hotel day before and had then performed a re-enactment of sorts, sans the open wounds. It had been the best sex of Paul's life. Paul bit his lip and glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was only five after nine and they had until 11 o' clock to check out and until 1 o' clock to get to the airport for their flight home.

"I don't see why we can't just one last time. Just promise you'll delete it immediately afterwards.

Ethan drew an "X" over his chest with the hand that wasn't holding the phone. "Now can we watch it?"

Paul smiled and the two sat down on the edge of the bed together. Paul wasn't surprised that Ethan already had the file open.

At the start of the video, all that could be seen was Ethan's face.

/ /"He's gone to the bathroom to call his 'lover.'" The last word is spoken in a mocking tone bordering preciously on contempt. "Spencer swears up and down that he wants me to, quote, 'respect the fact that he's in a deeply committed relationship.' What a crock of shit! Didn't stop him last time. He's been flashing me those lusty little eyes all night and he may not know it yet, but he wants it."

"Ethan," Spencer's voice is heard offscreen and Ethan quickly lowers his phone. "Are you calling a cab?"

"I was thinking about it," comes the lie.

"I think you should." Spencer, unseen on the screen, sounds nervous. "I'm sorry, but you heed to leave now."

Ethan scoffs. "Says you or your boyfriend?"

Spencer clears his throat. "It shouldn't matter whose idea it was. I'm telling you now that you need to leave."

Ethan lays his phone on the small shelf of the key hook by the door. The small camera of the smartphone now picks up a large area, most of the living room in fact, including their current position and the couch. "So in other words, your controlling boyfriend wants me out of his house?"

"Ethan, I want you out of the home that I share with my life partner. If you make one more shallow passive-aggressive comment about the man I love I will forcibly remove you from my property. Call. Your. CAB! Wait for it outside."

Ethan glances down at his empty glass then looks up at Spencer. "What if I don't want to leave yet?" / /

The musician and the attorney never finished their second viewing of the rape before they were both naked and rutting on the bed, their own labored breaths coming almost in time with the recorded screams emitting from Ethan's phone, which now lay all but ignored on the nightstand.

"Refrain to-night;
And that shall lend a kind of easiness
To the next abstinence, the next more easy;
For use almost can change the stamp of nature,
And either master the devil or throw him out
With wondrous potency."
William Shakespeare

I don't know how to feel about myself after that almost-sex scene. I even wanted to, um, extend it, but I didn't feel like it fit the mood of the fic. I'm considering writing it as a separate one-shot, but only if I think anyone would actually read something that.