If i had to pick the ocean full of regret i had acquired during life, I'd say wasting childhood,not taking art(Although those two are practically connected),not taking german,not properly killing myself/being too much of a pussy to actually go through with cutting myself.Those are the only ones i can think of at the top of my head.
Lets start with childhood,
A time where you could live free and dumb and explore the world and develop skills and knowledge.Guess who fucked that up.I spent my childhood trying to constantly feel euphoria, while i did get some results from running around and acting like a retard,playing video games,watching youtube,etc.They really hindered my development through life.I ended up becoming fat,stupid and talentless.
I think with this and a father that made me feel a lot worse about everything in life just made me curl into my shell i should have escaped from.By the time i realised what i should have done, it was already too late.All the awkward things in life i did and said, all that time not learning how to draw and animate, all that time not studying.All just wasted like drinking ink.
I realised this during high school and it had a domino effect that just collapsed right before my eyes.I did not know what to pick during languages so i picked french because idk?For other subjects,those being technical graphics,art and music,I just TG because it was apparently better, so i did.This was during second year/third year and this was where i was on my knees begging to die.I had no remorse on myself and i attempted suicide quite a few times.The first consisted of me and a belt,I tried strangling myself with it, but because i couldnt find anything to hang myself with, i just gave up and cried.Of course i kept my mouth shut because telling them would result in more wasted time and unnecessary emotions.There were definitely other times, such as when i tried using headbutt against a wall,almost cutting my wrist with a knife and taking random pillz to overdose.If god exists than this is a sadistic joke.
Nowadays i am better, my original father pissed off back to his own country but still bugs me by texting me, just buying shit doesnt give you the right to cause me grief, but i still would suddenly feel like doing an extreme action.
So childhood was a blur and it is one i fucking hate the most.I hate myself for wasting it and is the reason why i always act soo childish.Also why i so awkward shit all the time.I am childish because despite me wasting it on temporary good feelings, it was still the best part of my life other than school.I want it back soo badly that my mind wants to redeem itseld by making childhood memories now.It still doesnt work because i know at the back of my mind that i am just fucked in the head.I also really wanted parents.The parents i got was father who tried loving me and bought me things but is soo different from me,wont accept me,has different views,his way or the high way tone and everything that makes me wanna die.Top of that with a mother who also tries to love me but is patronising,gambling(also like husband),occasional hits(father was a lot worse,one instance was when he made me hit myself because he was scaring me with his own face)also wont accept me,calling me an idiot(also father but he is worse) and both are hypocrites that make me feel bad.I am not a good person,but our personality constantly clashes to the point where we are not on good terms.
This also makes me not want to have a child.I also lost the gene lotto and got shit i don't like.I am asian,stupid,fat but most importantly i have the genes from my parents.I love my country, but the country that raised me just makes me hate it.They brought me into this world and it's up to me to spread that.Well no.I don't want to.If it means i have to make more of things i don't like than i refuse.But what is so fucking ironic is that i really want to have a child.
I was not raised well, i don't necessarily blame my parents for everything bad in my life because a lot were from my doing.I want to raised a child that is smart,artistic and Irish.But because i am carrying shit,i can't do that.It's like wanting to have sex but if you do, you ended the world.It feels so fucking conflicting.
I understand adoption is an option, but i still hate the fact that i have to raise a child with this body.I hate this body.I am right handed,brown,fat and male.I want to be female,left handed/ambidextrous,white and skinny to the point of anorexia.It just feels harder when what you are fighting for is done by using the wrong equipment.Like your forehead as a hammer.Sure, it's possible, but it really doesn't feel right or good.I just really want to bring a new generation of Irish people because they have done nothing but help.
All in all, I fucking hate myself.