The Akatsuki Fangirl Guide
What is the difference between being a fan and being a fangirl/boy? This question has been debated ever since the first supposed fangirl/boy became what s/he is. We have attempted to answer this question.
Fangirls/boys are more obsessive. They download and print pictures of their favorite characters. They own merchandise and cosplay. They re-watch episodes and quote often. They may even drool at their own thoughts. A fangirls/boys main characteristic is their squeal. But all these are things are also done by fans.
So what is the difference? Maybe a there is no set list of symptoms and maybe there never will be. Just know that if you're reading something called The _ Fangirl Guide you're probably becoming a fangirl if you aren't already.
Back to business!
It has come to our attention that we have only focused on the original members of the Akatsuki (with the exception of Snakey). However they are not the only ones that can classify as Akatsuki. For this edition we will leave out all the minions but will include Team Taka and Kabuto. We are also including a special section for cosplayers.
The Lair:
Cameras are now forbidden. Kakazu started selling the pictures. (This just in; to purchase these limited photos please contact us or the suicide hotline.)
No smoking is allowed since Konan stepped on a not quite out cigarette and nearly turned to ash.
There are very few smoke detectors in the lairs (Actually there aren't any but we want to promote safety or something like that.) This is due to the amount of explosions and fires that take place on a daily basis, some are caused jutsus but cooking causes them too.
Blasting music through the lair to wake the members up is not allowed; especially if it is theme songs from little kid shows or Lady Gaga. No offense meant to Gagas' monsters but nobody wants to have Tobi singing Bad Romance or Judas during an epic Akatsuki vs. the world battle.
Kabuto:
Kabuto has never slept with Orochimaru nor thought about it. (This is his personal testament and we must not put too much faith in it considering he watched Oro take a shower.)
Kabuto, no matter how much you think is a creeper and believe deserves to die, is not our enemy. He brought many of the Akatsuki back, from vacation, so we can't rightful hate him, right now. (Well, we can hate him a little bit.)
It may be because we're attracted to murderous freaks (this is meant affectionately) but Kabuto does seem hotter now that he's "absorbed" Orochimaru.
Kabuto does have a set of dead bodies with him at all times. (Remember when he and Oro were taking Sai to the base.) What does he do with these bodies? We have decided that it's best if we don't know.
His hair is gray this doesn't make him old. (In fact have you noticed that the only old ninja with white hair is Jiraiya and his hair has always been like that. It seems to us that the ninja show little to no signs of getting old. Really only the third Hokage, Madara, and Danzo have wrinkles and Madaras' might be natural like Itachis'. We would like to start the rumor right now; if you're a shinobi your hair will never change color and you won't go bald. [Seriously, they all have great hair.] My apologies for the rant. ^-^)
Sasuke:
The Official Sasuke Fan Clubs' official statement on his being a rouge nin is that he will return and everything will be perfect. They also say that the reason for his return will probably be his love for Naruto/Sakura/Itachi/Ino/Lee/Gaara/Hinata/the girl who works at the Ramen shop/anybody/everybody.
Sasukes' sexuality has never been declared one way or the other. This is because Kishimoto-sama likes to mess with his fans. (He confessed to it in an interview. Which, I believe, is in the Official Naruto Fanbook?)
Sasuke is not a man-whore.
SasuNaru is one of the biggest ships in the fandom. (We're not joking it is.)
We assume that even though he was given lots of attention when he was young (We mean after the massacre.) he never saw a psychologist. (Great move Konoha.)
Sasukes' fangirls do bite.
Sasuke is a focused on revenge right not and romance is not his first priority right now. (This has had no effect on his fan base.)
Sasuke has several fan clubs in different villages. (Just like Itachi.)
The largest branches are in Konoha. Sound, and for some reason the Land of Honey. (We have no explanation and can only say we didn't make this place up. It's mentioned in episode 194. They claim that Sasuke should come visit them because they're the land of girls and honey, playing off the idea that a land of milk and honey is a paradise.)
The Konoha branch of Sasukes' fangirls has a Revive the Uchiha signup sheet. (They have kindly shared it with the other branches.) Their official policy is the more Uchihas the better.
To sign up you must write down your full name, address, so they know where and who to send the Uchiha, and any major health conditions you have, they would prefer healthy babies but having a condition doesn't mean you'll be overlooked. You must also put down the name of the living Uchiha you want. If you don't care which put N/A. (Judging by the amount of N/As on the paper they won't judge.)
The names will be drawn out of a hat when the time comes and there is no limit to how many drawings there will be. (So don't kill each other over whose name is first or anything.)
Team Hebi/Taka:
Jugo is a perfectly nice person despite his bipolar moments and attempts to kill people.
If Jugo hurts you remember it's not his fault and he didn't mean it. (We will never be able to say this about anyone else.)
Suigetsu was from Kirigakure that explains his teeth. (It's a fact that the 7 swords man did that and like many people Suigetsu copied his idols.)
Neither of Suigetsus' parents were fish.
Kisame is not Suigetsus' father. (Unless, his mother was secretly in love with Kisame.
She wanted to be with him but when her heartless father found out she was pregnant he forced her into a loveless marriage with another man. Unable to bear seeing his love with another woman Kisame left the village thinking it was for the best. Unknowingly he broke her heart. This tragic tale had been eating her alive all these years. So, she had planned to tell Suigetsu of his parentage when he was old enough to understand.
But when the time finally came fate cruelly prevented her from confessing by taking Suigetsu from her completely. Now she waits for boy to return home and hopes in vain that she, Suigetsu and Kisame may become a family … [I got carried away, sorry. I call dibs on that plot bunny!])
We don't know if Karin is a natural red head or not. Many of our agents feel uncomfortable investigating (creeping on) another girl and finding this information can be tricky. (Sadly, we are an organization of mostly females, and gay guys. Although this may seem sexist at first but it actually isn't. The truth is most of us join so we can learn about our crushes/future husband who's a member of the Akatsuki.)
Karin despite being a bitch at times (most of the time) has a very lovely singing voice. This excuses her somewhat racy attire because she is dressing like a pop star.
You can collaborate with Karin to capture/worship/rape your favorite member but you must make sure that she has NO interest in that member. (She doesn't like to share.)
The Akatsuki:
You will not ever call Konan a slut. (We know we've it before but here's an elaborated reason to go with it.)There is no proof that she has ever stalked, creeped on, had a crush on/was in love with, or planned to rape any member of the Akatsuki. Karin however, has done all of the above but you still can't call her a slut. (Suigetsu has that covered.)
Regardless of what you're personal opinion of Konan is you must treat her with respect. She may be your only ally in your plot to kidnap/rape/worship the male member of your choice. (We mean the male member of the Akatsuki, pervs!)
Konan is not made of paper. She just uses it like Gaara uses his sand. (There was going to be a funny remark on this but I suddenly forgot what I was going to say. -_-)
Hidan is not bonding with nature in that pit. (This is another bunny I've claimed.)
Hidan is known to bite; this doesn't make him a cannibal.
Just because Hidan take his shirt off when you're around doesn't mean he likes you. He just dislikes wearing shirts. (There's a rumor going around that he doesn't like wearing any clothes. If he makes himself "comfortable" around you…please send us pictures.)
Itachi has used the sharingan to win Dance Dance Revolution and other similar games.
The Akatsuki would be great in Pokémon. (We are not comparing them to Team Rocket.)
The Akatsuki does have a facebook page. Who actually runs it is a mystery.
The Akatsuki have not banned the Naruto FanFlash videos or even the Fun with the Akatsuki vids. So you can watch them with absolutely no guilt.
We mentioned in a previous edition that the Akatsuki are powerful ninja and they won't allow you to sneak up and hug them but we've had an idea. (A wonderfully terrible idea.) If the Akatsuki came to our world the perfect place to hide would be at a convention. As ninjas they would be compelled to fit in as to not be found out. So hypothetically, they would have to let you hug them! (WARNING: This is an unproven theory and if you die attempting it we are not to held in any way responsible.)
Proof the Akatsukis' awesomeness (as if we don't have enough of it), the computer supports them. Look.
This is:
Itachi -/.\- Deidara 0\/ Zetsu \0.0/
Kisame =0_0= Tobi Sasori -.-
Hidan . Kakazu $-$ Pein/Pain -: :-
(Yes that was crack but I didn't come up with it. Really it came off a fanfiction profile.)
Something to keep in mind:
There is no shame in being a fangirl. Embrace your inner fangirl! But that's not a good excuse (translation legal justification) for certain unacceptable (illegal) actions. Control your inner fangirl (and yourself) with a steady supply of beautiful/funny/sexy fanart and fanfictions. (You have a good start on that.)
We like to think of the Naruto fandom as a big family (it's a cheesy cliché example but understood by all). Now as your big siblings we just want you to know we don't care if your boyfriend/girlfriend dresses weird, talks funny, or even sparkles. We just want you to be happy but we will kill anyone who DARES touch our plushies and we expect you to do the same.
Defend your plushies. It's ok to run around the house screaming, "Not my plushie you bitch!" (There's nothing wrong about calling her a bitch; she's a female dog.) They're the only Akatsuki members you can hug without feeling any pain. (The figurines aren't very good at hugging.)
A professional doctor trained in a whole lot of complicated stuff should examine the mental health of any Akatsuki before you decided to attempt a relationship and another exam should be performed before and after meeting your parents. (The member HAS to pass this test. [It may seem obvious but consider this the warning label on your coffee that says that it's hot.])
It is inappropriate to wake the any member up by tying them to the bed or anything else.
Rape is not a wakeup call. (If they're asleep when you yell surprise it is rape.)
We are not sure of the laws regarding rape in the Naruto world. We advise you to obey the laws of our world until you are sure what exactly you can get away with. Once you're sure however, do whatever you want to do as long as you are sure you'll survive. (We're not referring to the fact that the Akatsuki can kill you. We mean that you will obviously have a massive noise bleed and that may be the death of you.)
No matter how many fanfics and fanart is made of a couple it does make the couple canon. (The only exception to this is TentenXNeji.)
Making an Akatsuki shrine is not creepy and obsessive. It's a creative way to endorse your fandom. (It can also help you win some contests and get your picture published on a website, that you don't run, in a Fanbook, or in a magazine.)
A pet named after the/an Akatsuki is adorable. (If I ever get a ferret with black markings he will be named Itachi. [If I get a white one he will be named Draco.])
Other Akatsuki fans are not your enemy. Even if they mock your favorite member try to be like Deidara and Sasori. Respect their opinions but realize that there are bigger fish to fry or jinjuriki to catch however you prefer it. (You can always try to assassinate them later like a true ninja.)
Any good boyfriend/girlfriend will understand if you leave them for one of the smexy Akatsuki. In fact they should encourage you to do so if the opportunity arises if they really care about you. (Remember that this only applies if the Akatsuki in mind doesn't want to main or kill you.)
If you start dating a Naruto Cosplayer be aware that you may start developing some love for that character.
Cosplayers are not the character they portray. If you want Itachi don't date an Itachi cosplayer, you'll only be traumatized when don't act in character, go to Naruto universe and get your Itachi!
Cosplayers:
First off we would like to salute your awesomeness. That being said, remember that although you are awesome the Akatsuki are awesomer. (Awesomer is not a word. The correct phrase is 'the Akatsuki are more awesome.)
You should always go all out. Buy those contacts! Paint your nails! Get In Character! (If you want lots of fangirls to squeal their heads off stay in character and you use catch phrases.)
Do not use cosplay to get laid. (We know some fans might be willing but it's disrespectable to the character you are portraying. Unless of course you character would do that. If that is the case then we won't push our morals onto you.)
If you cosplay, people will want pictures.
Be aware that if you dress as an Akatsuki at a convention you will be glomped.
Do not try to run from a fangirl. The running and screaming that will occur only attract more fangirls. (You can't out run them because they'll never give up or run out of energy.)
Keep in mind that the fangirls love the character. They love that you're dressed as him/her. They don't love you, not like that.
Unanswered questions:
Does the Akatsuki know about the internet? (That would explain why no videos have been banned or their creators subdued [violently murdered])
Why do they make a plushie of the robo Pain but not the Deva path?
Is there ANYBODY that Sasuke hasn't been paired with?
Is it considered animal abuse if you make your pets cosplay? (We don't think it is; beside, we have such wonderfully evil…wonderful ideas.)
Do you count Team Taka has part of the Akatsuki?
Who caught the Harry Potter reference? (There were two.)
This will be the final edition of the Akatsuki Fangirl Guide. (At least for the foreseeable future. This statement will most likely be outdated by the middle of December.)This is due to the increase demand on the editors time, others interest in what she's doing on the computer, and the inquiries about her mental health.
If you need something to blame, blame the latest fandom she joined. Those who guess correctly get a limited edition Akatsuki air guitar! (Want a hint to what it is? Here it comes.)
Hasta la Pasta!