~O~

I had to spend an hour or so with Donna and her Neanderthal boyfriend, Mike Nielsen, tonight. It's safe to say that I cannot stand him.

I know Bobby's not much better sometimes, but he's for me, not Donna. I had a hand in making Bobby what he is. Mike didn't require any help. No slap to the back of the head was necessary when it came to forcing him to ascend the first step.

Donna doesn't deserve to be treated this way. What has she done other than be herself, only to daily be faced with threats and anger?

I've told her how I feel about Mike, but she laughs it off like it's a joke or something. Sort of like, I have bad taste so who am I to speak...

It's true, I like bad boys, but Mike isn't the kind of bad I like. He's just obnoxious. Thinks he owns Donna.

I wish she would break up with him.

I've seen how James and Donna look at each other. Even if they don't fully know it yet, I can tell there's something between them.

If only there were a way all three of us could easily step out of this mess by turning another page and leaving the past behind, out of sight, so that we could begin anew.

For now I will have to content myself with the knowledge that James and Donna will have each other when I am gone.

O

In the red light of our room, they watched my show with Ronette, then the one later with Teresa.

The sex was so good. So like fire inside me, flooding me in a torrent. The way water and flames look so alike when you stare... that is how they merged in me.

Tonight, in that way, it was almost like I could feel what the others were feeling as well. Sense their thoughts. And Ronette's and Teresa's were just the kind I like. They were having as much fun as I was.

When we're together like that fear and regret have no room. All the space has been taken up by good feelings. That's why I always look forward to our visits.

Ronette and I hadn't seen Teresa for quite some time, so it was kind of nice to catch up after everything cooled down and the boys packed up for home.

I like Teresa. She makes me laugh and feel comfortable. When I'm with her and Ronette, I almost forget all the bad things I have to come home to, in Twin Peaks. All the memories of what I've done and had done to me.

It almost seems normal, like we're all just friends. Girls our age. Only instead of trading make-up tips and gossip we discuss the men and the strange and wonderful feelings of a few hours before. Sometimes other things too...

All that really matters is that I don't feel so alone when I'm with them.

O

I was in the room again in a dream.

Sitting in the same chair, I looked towards the sound of music filtering past curtains, entering the room I was in from another. I was alone, for once. In the dark. Alone in a new way, like I would never return to people again and would always be left there, staring out. Waiting.

But someone was playing music. Someone or something was near. Slowly I moved, parting the curtains, looking out to no one. I stepped back one step and closed the curtains again before stepping forward again and opening them to a face. A man stared back at me, and all I could do was stare in return. Not even a scream would leave me.

Closing the curtains finally, I ran. Out of the room, out of the light, to another hall. On the other side of the red drapes there was a new light and in it I almost felt safe.

The little man in a red suit appeared in front of me. He stared, blinking several times.

"Dnoura nrut!"

Scared, I did as he asked and re-entered the room I'd just left in backwards steps. On the floor was a blonde girl. She was on her knees, sobbing in a pool of blood. Her sobs were as distorted as the laughter to her side, sounding evil almost. She acted as though she could not see me, or at least pretended not to. She began to slowly crawl, and I felt myself looking down on her from a higher altitude. A strange sort of dizzy feeling, then it was over and I was back and there was nothing only the room.

When I woke up and could see in the morning light, I found blood under my nails.

O

Maddy used to tell me she had dreams of me in the woods.

I wonder if she saw the things that were happening, if she knew but didn't care enough to help? Or did she live with something similar and didn't know how to talk about it...?

I've wondered for so long, am I his only victim or did he have others before me?

As much as BOB has been in my life I've always felt as though there could be no one else, no possible way that there is time enough for him to torment another, but now in reflection of all I've known, I have only this to say: What is there to stop him? BOB doesn't follow any rules that I know of.

I hope Maddy only saw me walking the woods, as I do sometimes in waking hours.

I wish that I could know what Maddy saw.

O

I remember when I used to swim in the waters around the docks and in the forest creeks...

Sometimes Dad and I used to walk through the woods, long and far. So far the trees seemed to grow closer and closer, turning away the light from above. There would be only beams, the strongest fighting to be seen.

It was strange, going into the woods with him. It was like both of us wanted to prove something by going that far. To stare down something inside both of us that we feared.

~O~