Our food came about a half-hour after we'd ordered it. That's the thing about these fancy places - you wait an absurd amount of time for something that was probably microwaved and served on some fancy china, paying ludicrous amounts of money for a ludicrous amount of food. I stared down at my steak. It was probably half the size of my claw, if my claw were half the size that it is now.
I looked up at SpongeBob, who seemed completely out of his element. He was staring at his burger as though he expected it to turn into a Krabby Patty at any moment. Hell, I could've gone for one of those greaseballs myself. I turned to Squidward, whose mouth was black and swollen from whatever the hell happened outside. I couldn't help but feel happy when I saw it. Squidward's been a real pain in my ass lately, hardly ever showing up for work nowadays but complaining like a motherfucker when he's there. He had the nerve to ask me for a raise the other day, can you believe that? Well, either way, I'm glad he came, I've got a surprise for him later.
Patrick started whining because he already finished his food. It'd probably been an entire three minutes since the stuff was put in front of us, but Patrick horfed it down before the server had a chance to place it on the table. I couldn't help but get angry with him. To be honest, I never liked him. Sloth and gluttony are sins that no youth should be partaking in, as far as I'm concerned. Back in my military days, we would've abused Patrick to no end. The world has no place for a waste of skin like Patrick. Still, I'm glad he came, I've got a surprise for him later.
As for Sandy, I wasn't too fond of her either. She was one of the biggest whores in Bikini Bottom from what I heard. She definitely had the power to catch stares, but it's mostly because she's a mammal more than anything. Mammal's have been a hot, exotic commodity in the ocean recently. Sandy was the first to come down here, but after a while, a lot of them somehow found their way down into these murky depths. Most of them sell their bodies on street corners in the dead of night, because no respectful establishment will allow a smelly, furry mammal to be seen by clientele. As much as she tries to hide it, Sandy used to be one of those street girls. She was expensive too, knowing that she was a rare one. She left that life behind eventually, and I guess I can understand why. It must get boring taking cock for cash every night, but she definitely didn't stop fooling around. All that being said, I'm glad she came, I've got a surprise for her later.
SpongeBob was the odd one of the group, and I don't mean that in a "oh, he's so wacky and funny!" kind of way either. He used to be a well of constant merriment, bringing contagious cheer wherever he went. I've never seen someone so happy. But after the incident a year back, he's just never been the same. To be completely honest, it pisses me off. Everyone else would've moved on by now. It's just childish to mope around like that, bringing everyone around you down to your level. What a buzzkill. He's driven off more customers than he brings in nowadays, and he always fucks up the food now. I kept him hired out of pity, if anything. What would people think if I let the boy go during his most trying time? Well, that's what I used to think, anyway. But now I'm practically broke because of him, and I want him gone. Whatever; I'm glad he came, I've got a surprise for him later.
"Quit staring at me Squidward," SpongeBob said suddenly in an annoyed tone. Squidward didn't answer and he continued to stare right at him, chewing his food painfully. I could feel his anger from across the table. I couldn't help but smile at the sensation.
"Squidward, stop that right now. I'm sick of looking at you."
"So, when are you gonna tell her?" Squidward suddenly said in a mocking tone.
"What?"
Squidward turned to Sandy and put his tentacle on her shoulder. "When are you going to tell this pretty little girl how you feel about her?" Squidward said. Sandy started to squirm uncomfortably, trying to get Squidward's tentacle off of her shoulder.
SpongeBob started to sweat. Trying to brush it off, he replied, "I don't know what you mean. Let's just finish eating so we can get out of here."
"You love her right?" Sandy let out a quick, embarrassed gasp, and she put her hands in front of her mouth. "It's only a matter of time before you have to tell her. It's not right to lead a poor girl on!"
"Squidward, please -" Sandy stammered, but she was promptly interrupted.
"Why the hell are we even here?" Squidward said loudly, attracting attention throughout the dining hall. "Huh? Why the hell are we here?" He turned to SpongeBob. "You invite me on this charade, promising fine dining and you act like a barbarian the entire night. You punch me in my face and expect me to forget it, just because it's Mr. Krabs' birthday?"
"Squidward, now isn't the fucking time," SpongeBob said in a hushed whisper, leaning into the table so as not to add tinder to the flammable scene. I was getting giddy with excitement. I wanted to see some of the violence that I had missed outside.
"And you!" Squidward shouted, pointing at me. I admit that this took me off guard, and I could feel my anger rising. "Since when do we celebrate your birthday, you old ass! I've worked at the Krusty Krab for seventeen years and not once have we ever celebrated your birthday. So I'm forced to ask yet again. Why. Are. We. Here."
All eyes were on me. I could see in the distance a waiter attempted to come and kick us out, but the host stopped him in his tracks. He wanted to see where this was going. He needed the entertainment. I opened my mouth, trying hard to conceal my absolute rage.
"Neptune forbid that I want to celebrate my birthday with some friends for once in my life," I said.
Squidward let out a harumph, replying "All your friends are dead, old man." Not taking his eyes off of me, he pointed to SpongeBob, saying "Just like this guy's -"
Suddenly a wine glass shattered across Squidward's face, accompanied by loud gasping from the onlooking diners. Squidward was completely unaware to the coming attack, and I honestly had no idea where it came from either, until I looked over at SpongeBob who was standing up, fuming with rage. Squidward brought his tentacles up to his face reflexively, blood pouring from his nose and forehead. Soon he fell to the ground unconscious.
"Call the police!" the host shouted. "Call the police right now!" I jumped up from my seat, putting my hands up to grab everyone's attention.
"That won't be necessary gentlemen. These two… These two idiots are just drunk and have had a bit of a mishap." I threw a thick wad of cash on the table and grabbed Squidward's unconscious body. I began to drag him outside, when I noticed SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy were all still at the table, looking shocked. Angrily, I snapped "Get the lead out of your ass and let's fucking go!"
When we made it out to the parking lot, I threw Squidward in the back of my boat. "I'll take him back to my place," I started. "I'll get him cleaned up there, maybe take him to a hospital in the morning." Everyone nodded, saying nothing, and started to walk away. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" I shouted. They all stopped in their tracks.
"You're not going anywhere. This isn't my responsibility. SpongeBob, this is your fucking fault. The least you kids can do is help me with Squidward. Just come on back with me to my place so we can get everything sorted out."
"Mr. Krabs," SpongeBob began, "I really think maybe we should just go home. I can take him if you want."
"I'm not having that," I responded angrily, "It's still my birthday and I won't have it ruined by some stupid kids! Now hurry up and get your asses in the boat!" I watched as they slowly crawled into the vehicle. I couldn't read the emotions on their faces. It seemed like they were all just tired, but I knew that they were all shocked about what happened, even SpongeBob.
As I began the drive home, I couldn't help but smiling, and the rage I had felt in the parking lot melted away. This is perfect, bringing everyone back to my place. "We're gonna forget that this happened," I started, looking at the kids in the back through my rear-view mirror. "I'm glad you all decided to come with me. I've got a great surprise in store for you all!"