Chapter 3: I can't keep waiting for you.
It's been a week and a half since the concert yet she still feels this river of guilt tearing into her. She knows that Kid does too because he's her "boyfriend," and they're supposed to be madly in love. She's supposed to get lost in his eyes at least twice a date and Kid's supposed to caress her cheek or kiss her forehead every time he thinks it looks natural. They're amazing actors as Liz Thompson -Kid's sort of adopted older sister and Maka's personal designer- likes to say when she sets up their weekly dates.
Make no mistake, Maka loves Kid so damn much, but not in the ways that she keeps promising the media she does. It's platonic. She loves the way they talk music and the way he smiles. She loves how he just gets her and that little glitter in his eyes when he's speaks with absolute passion. She loves how he just understands everything that she is. They're the same damn person, she swears it, but for Maka. She's totally an opposites attract girl while Kid has fallen for a girl just like him, but also not. She's in between which is enough to drive Kid crazy in love apparently. It still hurts to think that in terms of physique, Maka is Kids type. She refuses to not acknowledge that his real girlfriend is five four, one inch shorter than Maka, blonde, and has blue green eyes. It's awkward too.
Yeah her and Kid have been dating for six years, but sadly they're the biggest fattest liars on media, even with her refusal of photo shop. Only one of the years were truly genuine, but back then it was so that they didn't feel lonely. It was so that she could hold somebody again.
It felt like trying to fit a very compassionate rectangle into the empty circle where her heart once belonged, something that Kid's perfectionism would cringe at. She'll never forgive herself for actually breaking Kid's heart when they were nineteen and lovesick. It wasn't working, she knew that he knew, but regardless of them crying in each others arms that night, regardless of him trying so damn hard to make her happy, she still broke it off. She refused to not support him through the rest of the tour though, and the deal was set.
So since that winter evening when she went numb, cold, her heart falling with the leaves, it's all been a ruse to keep the press off both their backs when it comes to love and people they're attracted to. Maka knows she'd rather see Kid on this type of cute date with his actual significant other Anastasia "Ana" Yngling. Here under the trees in beautiful Los Angeles Parks, not sneaking away to Seattle or Death City for a dinner date. It's sad because Anya is the sweetest girl Maka has ever met. She notices the way that Kids eyes light up when he talks about her. So sitting here and holding his hand as they lay under the trees of the local park strikes her with guilt and so much pain because she too wishes that it was someone else here with her.
She misses him even when she knows that she shouldn't, it not hard to forget him during the year. But anniversaries serve as painful reminders. Six years with Kid only marks and brings seven years without Soul closer. The date is approaching quickly and she's not sure she can take it. It's like a cycle of dread, mourning, I still love you, then finally screw you for making me care again.
The day of the concert marked one month till' that fateful day. Now it's in less than three weeks, and she feels mortified at how her way of ignoring it was drinking with Kid, kissing him and sometimes sleeping with him for an entire year she looked for love with him even if she was the one who couldn't give it back. Her previous way of trying to forget Soul is laying next to her, dozing off so innocently. So flawlessly and politely one of her best friends when he had every possible reason to hate her.
It all feels so wrong.
Sure she enjoys these "dates" with him but it's exhausting her heart out. She's torn between this and it's not even real!
She revels these moments, but feeling the need to kiss him every once in a while just to get their fans off her case is annoying and a total mood killer. She's really trying to be a good fake girlfriend, but she can't when there's certain rules to follow. It's a turn off. If she really loved him, than this wouldn't feel like a burden or weight in her chest. She knows -well thinks at least- what love feels like. It's just been hard since he left. She admits, falling out of love with someone like Soul was hard. It felt like trying to get your heart to stop beating on command. Impossible.
Soul was amazing. Every part of him, will she admit it? No. She swore if she saw him ever again that she'd slap him across the head because how dare he leave her when she needed him? How dare he lie to her face after everything she gave him. It's infuriating.
"You okay?" Maka's scowl gets noticed and it softens at his concerned face. She feels him run his thumb across her knuckles- gentle reassurance. At this, she looks his way and smiles. "Yeah," she gives his hand a gentle squeeze, "just thinking about a lot."
He nods, understanding. God she wishes they were more than friends sometimes, but always in the end she knows that he isn't the one. She can feel it like she felt it with Blake SO many years ago. The both of them were so sweet to her, patient and nice (well enough, in Blake's case) despite having their own worries, yet she just knows. No one has broken her heart nor repaired it quite like Soul had.
He gives her a small smile, "you're always free to speak your mind when you're with me Maka. I know that anniversary is coming up, both him and your mother. I know it's hard right now." Maka mumbles a gentle "thank you".
Kid handles talking about the reason [Soul] they broke up with grace. All he wanted was for her to commit to him. She couldn't. Still can't.
It's true that her mother left when the wind picked up in the fall air before the kick off to the holidays, and Soul left just shortly after thanksgiving. No wonder she's always depressed in December. She's alone. She lost them both near then. It was hard, but there exists nothing that Maka Albarn couldn't get passed.
"I think I wanna go home for the holidays," she declares. Kid shuffles next to her as if trying to hear her better because surely she didn't just pass off Liz's huge thanksgiving party to go home to her Papa of all people. Maka sits up, hugging her knees to her chest, not even trying to hide the sadness in her eyes. However, she feels knows deep down that laughing with her Papa and seeing Marie again would fill her with warmth she could savor for awhile. Especially after that concert. She's also kinda annoyed and angry with Liz not telling her about Soul yet. He was there, maybe that's fueling her painful reminder even more. Liz knows it would, and hasn't told her about how she invited him, which means she saw him before then. Liz was a women with connections.
Kid grips her hand a little tighter as if bringing her back to the present. It's how he would when she was thinking of Soul like this on their real dates. And it stings. 'Change the subject Maka. Change it.' She hears chanting through her mind.
"I think it'll be good to get away and go back home for awhile," She continues, "Besides I know Blair would be happy to see me again." The bubbly women's joy is contagious. Maka could use that right about now.
Kids molten gold eyes are unreadable as he stares. She sighs and crosses her legs underneath her. She can't look at him, her stable dam walls will break and she'll be a crying mess. Paparazzi can't see that.
'Change the subject. Let it out. Don't suffer alone.' For once she listens.
"I'm not dense you know, I saw him." No name given but he catches on. Before Kid opens his mouth, she intervenes, "I know Liz gave him the tickets." Kid makes a choking sound, his eyes wide like a deer caught in headlight. Uh-oh all over his face. Ha!
"Whenever I give out tickets, to her especially, I make sure to memorize the seat numbers so that I can see who they invite this time. I was expecting her newest boy toy with his friends, not...that," She pauses, waits for an interjection and then carries on when it doesn't come. Good, so her guess was right after all.
"I won't lie and say that it wasn't shocking, or that it didn't hurt," there's a look of apology passing through Kids eyes but Maka holds up her hand to stop him. She wants no pity.
"However, I got to thinking that I need to let it go." She acknowledges the flash of sorrow in Kid's eyes, "Yeah, I saw him alright. Yeah it stung, but here's the thing." She turns to Kid, eyes full of hope and a bit glassy. Out of instinct he grips her shoulder. She blinks back the tears that can't be shed. Not here, not now, not ever anymore.
"He looked happy there, with whoever those other guys were, with whoever that girl was. I am happy with who I am. Soul still being here?" she thinks, "Is like a cherry on top of an ice cream sundae. Nice, but unnecessary." Like a drain to a pool her eyes stop watering all together. It's a sign she'll ponder later in the shower. Either she's actually finally over this, or she's reached the limit on tears she can cry over him.
"Maka..I-" It's Maka's turn for hands on the shoulders. Reassurance. She smiles through the pain because really, it's all she can do now. There is no hope on a lost cause. She has an album to finish before Christmas. A certain red haired father to bake apple pie for, and a new concert set plus tour to plan. Her life is filled to the brim with fun and joy, she can't won't let one rotten apple ruin the tree.
"It'll be okay Kid. I'll be okay. It's time to let go." Her voice is back. It's not the coward whisper. It's a promise to herself, and Kid nods. They have a new pact. She's over Soul Evans, and Kid's responsible for whatever actions she completes regarding him after this. He'll keep her in check, his eyes assure.
She laughs for a little bit and Kid smiles at her, "You're so strong Maka. I'll always adore that about you." the statement makes her cheeks flush. Maka knows she's strong, a big girl, and she'll pull through this. Gg Ez, her fun occasional gaming terms lighten her up. Maybe she should start gaming again. Maybe Blake and her could spend more bonding time together if she did. She hates to say, but it's like they've grown distant. She can't lose anybody else.
"Soul Evans who?" She mumbles in a joking matter. Kid chuckles slightly. It makes her feel warm and fuzzy to know he's here. If only Blake could be here for the ordeal. She wants needs his bear-hug for the first time in forever. Maybe she'll text him later and invite him to dinner. She wants to share this milestone with him. Wants him to know that she's over it. Hell, they could go out for drinks later if that's what he wants. She could use the reckless rush of alcohol right about now.
"Do you wanna go for a coffee?" Kid suggests.
Or coffee, maybe coffee could give her the caffeine rush she needs for now. She can't exactly go out drinking in LA without careful planning and a wig anyway.
"Only if it's that cute hipster cafe near my favorite bookshop."
"Maka, Eibon's books and Deathbucks are in DC." Kid wits out because Maka knows and would argue for hours why they're the best cafe and bookstore in the world, she knows Kid would too. She really should pay both her father and her hometown a visit. It's been months.
"Damn." Is her quick reply but Kid stands to take her hand anyway.
"How about just the cafe around the block? They've got foam art. I promise." Hesitantly Maka takes Kid's hand.
Yeah. A caramel latte with dove art sounds like enough to fill her emptiness right now.
. . .
"We should get married soon." Kid says, calmly following a sip from his peppermint latte.
Maka guffaws at the option because she never meant for them to go this far. She'd like to have a first and only husband when marriage becomes a clear option for her. She doesn't want to see Kid as her first husband when the time comes around.
"Relax." Her tense shoulders may have given her distaste away. Her tongue stings and she acknowledges that she burned it. Thank the lord her final show of the mini USA tour was in San Diego last week. Azusa will shit bricks when she finds out, but it's not severe enough to ruin her and Blake's award show performance of Closer this weekend. Hopefully.
"Hi ahm." Maka spits out, her tone slurred by the stinging. Kid chuckles before his face falls.
"I'm serious. I should propose, and we'll split before the marriage. It might sound selfish but I kinda want to be seen with Anya in public." He explains, a flush to his face and Maka smiles. This is fine. More than fine, Kid's not the type to show off his girlfriend unless she means a lot to him. The thought excites her. How ironic. This isn't how people deal with breakups unless they're insane.
"That's a wonderful idea actually. The question is, how?" She answers and watches as his own tense shoulders relax. She would have said yes if he wanted to back out of their relationship earlier without bringing Anya into the picture, but it might still feel scary. She understands. The media is vicious.
"Remember how I told you that I'm gonna perform Death of a Bachelor as a debut to my new album live on Arachnophobia in January? There's gonna be flapper dancers, what it you're my partner in the dances and I propose at the end? It'll get the news out." Make smirks largely at the idea because it sounds so romantic and cute. That's the show where Media got a first confirmation of their relationship. If she's gonna be engaged she might as well enjoy the idea.
"Perfect." It's Kids turn to smile as Maka sips from her latte. Ironically the last of her foam lovebird.
There's a pause he takes as if trying to find correct words. Maka sets her cup down and encourages him to speak with her gentle eyes. Kid shakes his head and looks at her, smiling through sorrowful eyes.
"I'm never not gonna think of you as my first Maka. First love, first kiss, first time you know," he looks down suggesting at his -ahem- thing, it makes Maka blush deeper than the red accents in the cafe.
"I don't know, what I guess I'm trying to say is that," there's the hesitation again before she visually sees him decide to spit it out, "I'll always love you." He finishes and Maka blinks rapidly. It doesn't shock her because she knows he does. She'll always love him. This much she can admit. Wholeheartedly.
"Yeah. I will too Kid. I love you. I want what's best for you." She takes his hand. For the first time in a long while it feels right to hold him and think of something like love.
Even if they've reached their end. She's happy. It's enough to fill her. It's enough to keep her going.
. . .
"If I'm gonna recommend any video game to you. Any at all." Blake is pulling from his disc shelf hours later, searching for what he wants to gift her. There is a smirk on his face as he starts laughing.
"Just kidding. My heart, soul, and body is committed to playing Overwatch right now." Maka watches, confused as he walks towards the computer where he plays on and hands her a box with the title Overwatch surely across the front. There is a women with short brown hair and orange tinted glasses on the front. She holds two pistols and is in a dashing position.
"So it's a shooter? I wasn't very good at those. You know this." Maka recalls refusing to play with Blake when they were younger. But people change, and when school ended, Maka had no other entertainment. She remembers playing as very young children, but it's not the same as video games nowadays. She can't sit here and play Pokemon Diamond or Mario Kart Wii anymore. The last she remembers is playing games like Halo and Destiny with Kilik and Blake in college.
"I'll play with you, sit, let me go get the other PC, I'll be back." He almost reassures just by those small words. Blake does a lot of different activities to keep him busy. Sports, both real and esport. She just admires how he takes it on with a smile and optimistic natures. She envies it in a way.
It's that attitude that attracted her to him when they were kids. It was cute, and sweet. He is her own personal first kiss, first love because she does love him. Even now, he's grown by her side. He best friend, brother. They argue, of course they do.
Hell, they argue like hell over small things. Though, of course she'd never wish to lose him over petty things like whether sushi is good or not. (It's gross by the way) but he does piss her off and she him.
Soul is one of those sensitive things. He always encourages that she go back out and mingle because she damn deserves better, but he doesn't understand that it's very hard for her. Their biggest argument came from his hurtful words after Soul left.
"It wasn't hard for you to get over me, what's so different about him?" The thought of his words make her shudder. The memory of her not giving an answer, because she doesn't know either.
Heart-wrenching pain struck her when he said it. Apologies had long ago been given, but she can't help to feel like they'll never be the same. She feels his hand pat her back, scaring her but nonetheless she turns to meet his jade eyes with a smile. He holds up a HP laptop similar to the Envy model she has in her own home.
"Alright, let me plug you in, and," he connects the PC to the other cart, messing with wires, a mouse, a headset and running a sensitivity check. When everything is in place he shuts it off and removes the battery, taking the charger and plugging it to a strip extension and the screen powers on, the computer roars to life and then the screen flashes with the Overwatch logo surely in the main screen, he launches the app and sign her into his second account.
"You can play the tutorial for now if you want. I'll go get snacks and a better mouse. Are you still on that greens, chicken, and cheese only diet by the way?" After answering that yes, she's vegetarian and a scowl from Blake she complies and watches as the in game voice announces itself as Athena. Placing her hands naturally on the WASD keys at Athena's command. It feels different but she gets the hang of it and plays different modes with Blake through laughter and a pizza that's half ham and cheese, half meat lover.
"So what's up?" Blake says without looking away from his screen where he's playing the front women she now recognizes as Tracer. Maka glances from her kill-cam where she got killed by an annoying character named Junkrat, everyone hates him, Blake had said.
She has "what do you mean?" written all over her face but he still arches his brows suggesting that there's a bigger reason to her asking to come over and play video games with him again. And there was, but she hasn't brought herself to say it.
She wanted to talk, right, about Soul.
"I'm technically getting engaged to Kid." She offers as a start. His reaction almost the same as her own, except through video game where he fell off the map.
"I thought you guys were like fake, isn't that a bit much?" Is what he says after he exits the game and takes a knee next to her.
"Well it is fake, he wants to break up publicly because of Anya and I said it was fine. We're gonna pull it off in January and let go sometime in March. We wrote the breakup letter already, Azusa approved. It's getting there." Blake moves to the couch, she turns her chair to face him, legs crossed under her.
"You're album releases in May? Late April? Won't that be bad for you?"
"I don't care anymore." slips off her tongue fast, with confidence. It makes Blake's smirk grow. There's the attitude she wants. He's proud of her remark and honestly she is too. It's nice for him to show it. Blake makes her feel better about herself, just with looks of encouragement because he knows her, understands her and doesn't at the same time. He's here, within a call and always willing to listen.
"We also talked about," she hesitates but swallows the lump in her throat. It's over. "Soul." There is venom in her tone, it catches Blake off guard because she's never shown anger towards him. Never really been one to flaunt off that anger.
"Oh yeah?" He presses on, amused by her newfound spunk.
"Yup." she pops the 'p'. Her eyes connect with his to hold the meaning that she also doesn't care about him anymore. More for her own good than real hatred towards him. There is a large part of her that will forever be empathetic for Soul's story.
"I don't care about him anymore either." She states, it's plain, and kind of harsh. Blake eyes her with a certain gaze that cuts through her thickest walls.
"Maybe you don't know it but you're lying." He fires back. She sucks in her cheeks.
"I'm not." her voices raises slowly but he remains there, staring with those eyes.
"You're building another wall. If you were over this you wouldn't have to do that."
"I am not-"
"I think it's because you're scared of letting Soul go." At this statement she flinches. His eyes brighten. Bingo.
She looks down, like the thought was foreign even if she knew that it was true. Yeah she's scared. She never trusted anyone with her heart like she did him, and she's scared of it happening again. Terrified of blindly following. She wants Soul so bad not because she wants them to be together like in the past. She knows it won't be the same, take her mother and her father for example. It's a frightening thought to compare her relationship with theirs because she's tried her hardest to avoid it her whole life. But look at her. She's becoming her father, depressed and sulking in misery waiting for someone who won't come back or even say "Hi."
Soul left, like her mother. It was too much and he gave up on them. It hasn't occurred to Maka that maybe she gave up a long time ago too, but holds on for closure. For an answer, anything.
Her head is pounding, she clutches her elbows, gnawing at her bottom lip then looks up to meet Blake's worried gaze.
"What do I do?" comes out of her mouth like a desperate cry. He stands and pulls her up into a hug.
"Go see him. On your anniversary. Forgive, apologize, move on after you find closure. Whatever you decide on, just keep with it. Because I'm tired of seeing you cry over spilled milk." He's right. She's crying, into his shoulder and gripping onto him like she's anxious he might go away too.
"He has a band at that plays in this weird hipster bar near forty second street. I'll take you there tomorrow. I'll be there. Be here. Always." There is no other reaction she can give but hugging tighter and a chaste kiss on the cheek goodnight. She ended her night there. In his room, and it felt like they were kids again. Laughing until they cry. Facing the pain together.
She hates herself for shutting him out. For shutting Kid out. For shutting herself out of her own emotions.
She's not there yet, not well enough to change but it's a big step.
And it feels good.