One Shot - That I Could Never Stand to Lose

January 2010

Taking a deep breath she watches as Robin and Lulu walk through the doors. She knows the familiar strains of the song and she knows exactly what to do if she could just get her feet to move.

Lucky stands at the end of the aisle, a smile on his face as his father and newly found brother flank his side. He's not here. She knew he wouldn't be, and she knew that Ethan would stand in when there was a "sudden emergency business trip" that couldn't be postponed.

A part of her wished he was there; wished for one last moment to get lost in those chocolate eyes, to let his strong arms wrap around her and to lie her head over his heart. That strong beating thump that always seemed to make it seem like, for a moment, everything was going to be okay.

Her foot moves in front of her and she pastes that smile on her face as she walks down. She loves him, she really does, and she loves the family they are making for their boys. They can be happy. What does it matter if it's not the kind of happiness that you feel in your bones, that lights your insides on fire, that makes you feel like you are soaring above the trees. They will be happy…and that will be enough.

The music stops and she stands there and his soft, gentle hands touch hers. She knows every callous, the width and length of his fingers and yet she can feel someone else's hands over every inch of naked skin under her pristine wedding dress.

As the priest begins to speak she tries to focus on his words, tries to look in blue eyes and not picture brown until the silence is broken by the thrusting open of the chapel doors. For a moment she closes her eyes nearly expecting to open them and see him there professing feelings she swore she didn't want him to hear.

Sam stands there her face ashen, whiskey colored eyes filled with tears and she trembles when she says the words and for a minute the world goes black, "It's Nikolas"

OoO

They sit there waiting outside the ER, her wedding dress crumpled underneath her and she feels like she should just wither up and die. Just when she thinks her body could not produce another tear, another sob wracks her body. She can't explain to Lucky why she doesn't want him to touch her and it's almost a relief when he huddles in the corner to console his mother and sister.

Luke stands on the other side of the corridor knowingly and as their eyes meet she can't help but feel the shame of it all. Alexis is pacing the ground and she wishes she could reach out to her, to hold onto someone who understands what losing him would mean…because it would be like losing everything.

And it's her fault. The guilt begins to gnaw at her insides because she knows that if it weren't for her, Nikolas would have been safe at home instead of lying on a hospital bed fighting to live. For a moment she thinks about confessing, purging herself of her sins and letting them all cast their stones.

Instead she sits there and she can't help but bitterly laugh inside that she's praying for the man she loves to live in the wedding dress that she was to marry his brother in. When Robin walks out of the OR their eyes meet and she hears her friend let out a slight whimper before she speaks, "There's been extensive damage from the crash, internally and burns from the fire. The surgical team is working on him right now" she explains.

Closing her eyes she tries to remind herself to breathe, to push a burst of air into her deflated lungs. She knows what the words mean, she's heard doctors tell them to families every day for years…and she knows what the look in Robin's eyes mean.

It's not good and all she can think about is the last words she said to him.

"I never want to see you again, just go away"

Standing up she pulls the material of her dress off the hospital floor, the horrible swoosh sounds it makes mocking her as she walks her way to the chapel. She has no right praying for something she doesn't deserve but she sits down in that pew and she does it anyway.

"I didn't mean it" she whispers her lips on entwined palms, "Please, don't take him away from me"

Maybe it's a selfish prayer…but it's the only words she can seem to find. She doesn't know how long she's in the chapel but her handkerchief is soaked with tears and her muscles ache in exhaustion.

"I thought I'd find you here"

His voice was once the only thing that soothed her and now it felt like a knife plunging into her heart, "Yeah"

"Listen I'm sorry about…"

"No" she yelps loudly before shaking her head quietly, "I'm sorry I can't do this right now"

She knows he deserves better than that…but she can't give him anything when everything is somewhere else. Robin is standing by the OR, tears having made tracks on her face, "He's in post op"

"I need to"

Her friends shoulders sag and she nods, the fight gone. Making the way through the door she doesn't quite expect the surge of pain that shoots through her at the sight of him bandaged and bruised.

Breaths come in short spurts as she comes to his side picking up the hand that isn't wrapped and bringing it to her face.

Closing her eyes she swallows and lets the feel of his skin resonate through her entire body. Her head lies down just over his chest, listening to the steady, strong beat of his heart.

"I lied Nikolas…I lied about everything" she admitted, "Please…please come back to me"