3. "You don't remember what happened. What you remember becomes what happened." - John Green, "An Abundance of Katherines"

July 26, 2013

They fell into a comfortable routine. Deeks would usually wake up first, just before six, leaving Kensi to sleep in. His strength was returning. Physically, he was feeling more himself. Mentally, he was getting there too. He wanted to work out his LAPD issues but nobody was going to give him a minute of their time if he wasn't fit enough to requalify for duty.

By 6:30AM on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, he'd be at the gym, swimming laps for an hour, lifting weights for thirty minutes and running on the treadmill for another thirty. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays, he'd lift weights for an hour, run on the treadmill for thirty minutes and take a spin class. He'd skip the gym on Saturdays - too many weekend warriors in a too small gym. The morning weather in Tututni Beach was high forties, low fifties with temperatures on a sunny day not getting much past the mid-seventies. Since it was cloudy more often than not, mid-sixties as highs for the day were the norm.

After the gym, Deeks would return to the guest house where Kensi would be getting started. Deeks would make breakfast - usually starved from his workout and beginning to eat more and more difficult to chew foods. The two would spend the day pursing what interested them. Deeks accomplished what Kensi thought he would by living in the water, working his way up from his kayak to his surf board and finally on the paddle board. There were long late afternoon naps that grew shorter as the month went on. Kensi would walk the beach, read, run, visit the gym two or three times a week during the day, even take one of the mountain bikes the B&B offered out for a spin. Sheriff Tate recommended a nearby gun range where Deeks broke in his new weapon while Kensi impressed and terrified the locals twice a week. There were mountain hikes on Sundays run by the B&B and Kensi happily tagged along. Once Deeks was surfing and using the paddle board regularly, Kensi decided to master the kayak. It didn't take her long.

Kensi checked her tablet nightly as Deeks started dinner. She told him she was checking to see if there was any Janvier or Sidorov news. There never was. She showed Deeks a personal e-mail from Nell. Covered in what looked like mud at a spa near her sister's apartment in Manhattan, Nell's e-mail included a description of a chocolate body wrap. Deeks teased Kensi about packing her things and leaving for New York immediately. She got quiet and told him she was happy in Oregon.

Deeks was surprised Kensi never mentioned missing her Mt. Rainer climb. Instead, they'd spend their nights watch some movies from Netflix or iTunes using his AppleTV. They caught up on a couple of television series - "Orphan Black" and "Justified" were favorites - and just relaxed. Deeks even found himself watching some Summer League NBA games on NBA-TV while Kensi had "Big Brother", "So You Think You Can Dance" and "America's Got Talent" to keep her entertained. There were a number of things they weren't talking about - what happened to him, what happened between them before what happened to him but he couldn't figure out how to bring up the latter without ever talking about the former.

He thought things were going well, still being careful with each other but well, on what was going to be their final Friday at the guest house. They were planning to attend the annual Tututni Beach Fair in the town square Saturday and a private reception afterwards at the Farraige. Have a little fun before they go back to Los Angeles on August 1st. Friday, he woke a little early and was trying to rev himself up for another workout when he heard Kensi moving.

"You OK?" Kensi asked, still wearing her sleeping tee and flannel pajama bottoms as she walked into the living room. It was still chilly out.

He was dressed in an Under Armour hoodie and long running shorts, as he stared out the living room window at the ocean. "Sure, fine. Why do you ask?"

"You're just up earlier than normal."

"Like half an hour. Woke up around five, couldn't go back to sleep. You seemed to be having a good dream so I figured I'd sit here, watch the ocean for a while and wait for the gym to open. Monty's started moving around so I'm guessing someone will want a walk pretty soon."

"Why couldn't you sleep?"

"Don't know." He shrugged his shoulders, no longer in pain every time he wanted to do that and watched Monty pad into the room. Well, the whole house was up now.

"Nightmares?"

"No."

"Okay."

"Kens, I'm fine." He saw her frown. "Really. Just woke up early."

"Have you had any nightmares since..." She waved her hand, not wanting to say what was coming next.

"No."

"Why not?" Kensi's tone was a combination of being amazed and demanding. A less enjoyable tone than he thought it would be.

"Excuse me?"

"I just thought, I mean, I'm just worried."

"Worried that I'm not having nightmares, well thanks. Maybe next you can worry about me not having blisters on my feet from running or a really bad sunburn from being out on the water."

"Don't do that."

"Don't do what, Kensi?" he asked sharply, standing to face her. He wasn't in the mood to be told how to behave. Nearly three full weeks of putting on a good face and suddenly she was making judgments.

She started to say something and stopped. She started again and stopped. She took a deep breath and began. "Physically, you're getting healthier every day. You're stronger, you've got more stamina, you're rounding into shape."

"Thanks," Deeks told her, feeling he was being patronized. "I'm sorry if I've been an embarrassment to you."

"That's not what I mean. You look like you. You look like my partner, the man I've worked with for the last three years. But you have these times when you're here but you're not. When you're looking out a window like you were just now or you're looking at the TV but not watching it. You're not there."

"I'm here. Been here the whole time. Cooking, cleaning, working out, swimming, surfing, doing what I came to do when I invited you here."

"Yeah. And in a minute or two you'll tell me a joke or you'll say something silly about Monty and you'll go back to pretending that everything is alright. But it's not. You've told me the LAPD shrink and Nate think you're fine. That's great, but are you? I worry that you're you undercover as yourself to the doctors and to me. Tell me where you are. I want to help. Let me in."

"Because, of course, you're such an expert on letting people help you. On letting people in."

"I probably deserve that."

"Skip probably," he snapped.

She took a deep breath. "If you're having nightmares, if you had a nightmare last night, you can tell me. No judgments."

"And if I didn't have a nightmare. If for some reason I just woke up early, can I tell you that too? Because that's what happened this morning and it seems to be earning me judgments."

"If that's what happened..."

"Not if, Kensi, that's what happened. I haven't had any nightmares since what happened, happened."

"Okay."

"Thank you. I'm going to walk Monty now, if you think I can handle that crushing responsibly in my weakened mental state." He started moving through the living room.

"Don't be like that."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm worried about you. This isn't you."

"This is exactly me, Kensi. I'm pissed because I don't need your pity. I don't need you thinking I'm an emotional cripple. And instead of making a joke and letting this go, I'm pushing back. Or maybe I'm calling you on your own bullshit. All this sharing feelings crap goes one way with you. You told me once that I never say what I really mean. Well, now I'm saying something. Problem is, since it isn't what you want to hear, you're not going to deal with it." He took the dog's leash from the coat rack in the foyer. "And we've all seen this show before. Since I had the nerve to push back, you'll keep that mouth of yours shut, those emotions of yours locked away," he told her as he attached the leash on Monty's collar. "I'm sure when we get back, you'll have locked yourself behind those great big walls you've built to make damn sure nobody ever really knows you. I'll make you breakfast and we'll pretend this never happened, the way we pretend nothing real ever happens between us."

He walked to the door when he heard her whispered, "you're wrong" and it made him angry. By the time he returned to the living room, he was furious. "I'm not wrong, dammit. You're not the only one who can deal with bad things happening and move ahead. You want to know why I haven't had any nightmares? Probably because there is nothing so dark and so damaged in my psyche that's worse than what I survived. And not just what I lived through in that warehouse, what I've survived since I was a kid. I work hard not to be miserable every damn day and have done that for years. I'm sorry if it seems to you like I'm struggling with that from time to time right now even though I'm not. Just mark that down as another area where I'm found lacking." He pulled on Monty's leash and started to walk out. The dog was growling. "Maybe you and Sam can compare notes when he's back. Come up with a list of all my failings, though I guess I should be grateful that at least you seem interested in fixing what you find wrong with me. Sam just doesn't like me." He slammed the door behind him.

It took nearly an hour for Deeks to cool off. Monty's walk turned into a visit to the beach. He didn't regret what he said as much as how he said it. She was poking at him so he made damn sure he not only poked back but hit all her sore spots. So much for working hard not to be miserable every day.

He walked into an empty living room and then an empty kitchen. He put out some breakfast for Monty, noticing the telltale Kensi spillage by the Kreuig machine. He made himself a decaf Kona and saw her on sitting on the deck fence, head down, staring at her coffee mug. Bravo Marty, he thought to himself, you just broke Kensi.

Pulling the slide door opened, he walked out. "I'm sorry I got angry. I didn't handle that well and I apologize."

"It's okay." Her sleep clothes were replaced by a fleece jacket, a tank top and yoga pants.

"No, actually it's not. You were concerned and I was a prick."

She nodded her head. He dragged one of the Adirondack deck chairs to face her but she didn't look up.

"Are you hungry? I could make..." he said to her as he sat down.

"I thought you were dead when we got to Sidorov's warehouse," Kensi told him, still looking at her coffee.

"Kensi, you don't..."

"I mean, you weren't moving. You're always moving. Even when you're hurt like when we first got here, your fingers are always tapping or you're running your hand over your face or through your hair. When you got shot, you were pulling at the different IV tubes, using that finger pulse monitor as a metronome on the hospital table. You even move in your sleep. Always doing something. It's what makes sitting across from you and Sam so hilarious every day. Sam can sit for hours and not move. If he's reviewing a case file or reading background materials for a cover he's working up, he's a statue. You, you're the kid in class who should have gotten one hundred on the exam but the teacher took five points off because you have ants in your pants."

"I'll have you know my pants are ants free," he tried to joke.

"You couldn't sit still if your life depended on it," she said automatically but then stopped when she realized what she said actually meant. Putting the coffee cup on the top, flat rail of the fence, she looked at him and continued. "The CIA got the first lead on where you two were. They had a helicopter and planned on landing it in a nearby multiplex parking lot. Hetty found out, somehow. She wanted us to get there, she wanted us to rescue you two before the CIA. She didn't trust them outside of Michelle. She called in a favor from someone she knew who had his own Chinook helicopter. Only Hetty, right? The CIA had bad maps because they wound up in the wrong multiplex lot nearly a mile away. We landed in a parking lot for a truck rental place around the corner from where you were being held. Callen, me, the tact team, we breached that building while the CIA was trying to read a map of East Los Angeles."

"Kens, you don't have to..."

"When we got into the building," Kensi went on, "we found the room where they were holding Sam. It was really bright and white. He was in bad shape. His heart was falling all out of rhythm or something. He was having a hard time breathing but he got us to understand that you were on the other side of the door." Her eyes filled with tears. "The CIA breached the building just as I opened the glass door. Your head was on your chest. You had on a white shirt that was covered in blood. I was screaming that we needed an ambulance even though I knew Callen called for two."

He wanted to say something because he saw how much pain she was in. He wanted her to stop because these were all things he never needed to know and never wanted to hear. But he also knew if she stopped talking, she'd never talk to him about anything difficult again.

"I pushed your head up and your mouth opened. All this blood came out with white chunks of something. When I looked at your lap, I saw it was part of one of your teeth." Kensi was crying now. "I looked in your mouth for just a minute and it was all I could do not to scream. Not to scream for what they did to you, not to scream what I wanted to do to them."

OK, now he needed her to stop talking. "Kensi, you can stop, really. I'm so sorry about this morning. I really didn't mean to upset you."

She continued as if she never heard him. "Sam had these velcro cuffs on his arms and legs so Callen with one of the tact team guys was trying to get Sam out of that metal chair because Callen said the seat was hot. I started to undo the leather straps holding you to the chair but I realized that was probably the only thing keeping you upright and I was terrified you were going to choke to death on a tooth or blood. When the ambulances arrived like a lifetime later, Callen went with Sam, I went with you."

"I don't remember much about being in the hospital until I saw Nate but I have this flash of memory of you sleeping with your arms folded near my leg."

She nodded. "When we got you to the hospital, you were in surgery for hours. The doctors said you had, well, you know what you had. I sat there for hours before Hetty called Nell to drive me home so I could clean up. Nell promised she was going to drive me back to the hospital so she waited while I took a shower. I had blood, your blood, all over my clothes. I wanted to throw them out but Nell bagged them in case they were needed for evidence. I don't ever remember being angry at Nell before that. Nell. Nell is my friend, my Saturday morning partner in crime. The weekend before it all went to hell, we caught a 9AM showing of "Iron Man 3" at the Grove, went to Canter's for lunch and wound up getting manis/pedis about a block from the restaurant. We had so much fun. She giggles when they used the pumice stone on her feet and that makes me laugh. And when she pulled out this brown paper bag to put my clothes in, I wanted to throw her out of my place and never talk to her again. That was your blood, you were dying and she wanted my shirt like it was an episode of "CSI" or something."

"Oh Kens, she was doing her job."

"I know. I mean, I told her I was sorry the next day when she came by to visit and I think she understood but..." Kensi wiped the tears that kept coming and continued. "When we drove back to the hospital, you were in recovery. They told Hetty, Callen and me what they had to do and it made me sick. Callen took me to see Sam while they were getting you a room. Sam told me what he remembered. What they did to him. What they did to you. How you held it all together. My God, Deeks."

"It's okay, I'm here, we're here."

"Hetty told me you were in this secure private hospital room. Limited access, NCIS guards and you'd be protected but you know, nothing good ever happens to you when I'm not around so I told her I'd be there. When I saw you after you were shot, you looked like you were asleep with this big bandage on your chest. This time, your face was covered with bruises and stitches. Your chest was black and blue. The nurse kept coming in to check for blood in your urine."

"Kensi," Deeks said as he waved his hands, "too much information, even if it is about me."

She smiled, still with tears in her eyes but no longer crying. "I stayed with you for a few days. Callen, Nell or Eric would come in before work. Hetty would bring dinner every night. When he was up to it Sam would stop by. If Callen was there, I'd go back to NCIS for a shower and a change of clothes. After a few days, Granger walks in."

"Please tell me he wasn't checking my urine. And if he was, thank God I was out cold."

Kensi started laughing, making Deeks feel better for a few seconds before he saw she was crying again and harder this time. "No, he wasn't. Wasn't bringing dinner, either. He told me that they had a lead on Sidorov and that Callen and I were going to be transported to Edwards Air Force base. There's this NCIS agent Callen knows. He's on loan to Homeland Security and he's as fluent in Russian as Callen is. They were going to be a father-son team, I was going to be Callen's girlfriend."

"Makes sense. Sidorov never saw either you or Callen as part of this case. Just Sam, Michelle and eventually me."

"I told Granger I wouldn't go. Couldn't go. I had to stay with you. I needed to be there when you woke up. He told me he wasn't asking, he was ordering me to go."

"Kens, you don't have to explain..."

"I quit."

"You what?"

"I gave him my gun and my badge and I told him to tell Hetty it was an honor to work for her. I quit." She shrugged her shoulders.

Deeks was confused. "Kens, I..."

"Callen showed up about an hour later with my gun, my badge and Hetty. She promised me you'd never be alone. NCIS would have someone there every day, your old handler Ruben, Bates and LAPD would have someone you'd know there every night. Hetty had people there a couple of nights when I was running out of steam. Everyone, Hetty said, would be invested in keeping you safe. Callen said Sam wanted the two of us to get Sidorov before he, Michelle and their kids would have to go into protective custody. Callen convinced me that the best way to protect you and to protect Sam and his family was to bring Sidorov down."

"Kensi, you don't have to explain why you weren't there."

"Hetty promised me an update every morning and I got a text message from her every day in Portuguese at 9AM. My cover was a Brazilian bikini model who got her hooks into Callen's Russian playboy. There were two night nurses who spoke Spanish. They sent me a text message in Spanish every night at 9PM. Nobody missed a day. I was having lunch with Callen at a deli in Sheepshead Bay when Hetty called. She said you woke up. I wanted to come home, I, I, I," Kensi was searching for the right words, "I needed to see you. I trust Hetty with everything but I needed to see you with my own two eyes."

"I saw me. Nobody needed to see that."

"I did," she said quietly. Taking a deep breath, she continued. "Things were coming to a head. Callen asked me if I was willing to trade capturing Sidorov for a visit with you and I said yes."

"I'm not worth it."

"You're wrong," she said with an intensity that stunned him. "If it was just arresting Sidorov, I would have been on a plane an hour after Hetty called. Callen and his pal Gibbs could handle it. But Callen pushed that Sidorov had the nukes, wanted Michelle, tried to kill you and Sam and you were still in danger. He had to be captured. The nukes had to be recovered."

"And they were."

"But we lost Sidorov. When I got back to L.A., I went straight to your place. Hetty told me you were released two days before we got back. You weren't there. Your neighbor..."

"Mrs. Lowell?"

Kensi nodded. "She said you'd been gone since mid-May. I called Hetty, Hetty called Bates and Bates called me. He said you were in an LAPD safe house and he'd pass along a message."

"He never told me anything."

"I didn't tell him anything. I told him I'd talk to you when you were back. And it was weeks before I saw you again."

"I was just ..."

"Going to the dentist. Getting yourself together. I get that. I get that you're working on that here and I want to be supportive, I really do. But I'm afraid that one of those days when you're staring out the window or looking through the TV going off some place that you're going to stay wherever you go. And I knew this before what happened happened but I can't lose you. I'm not sure when it happened but at some point, you became something... someone," Kensi sighed. "You know you're important to me, don't you?"

"I do." He wanted to tell her he knew because he knew what she meant to him but he needed to hear the rest of what she wanted to say.

"But you were gone. And I did every single thing Hetty asked, Callen asked, whatever Granger wanted done, I did because," she stopped and reset. "When I was in college, I took this theology class."

"Okay," he told her but couldn't see her in a theology class. Applied physics, sure, theology, no.

"It was a requirement. The professor was a priest who knew most of us weren't, for the lack of a better phrase, buying what he was selling all the time but he was interesting and could really hold a class' attention." She smiled. "Anyway, he would talk about the kinds of lives we should lead. About being someone who actively participated in our own lives by doing good things, helping people, living a life with a purpose."

"That's you Kensi," Deeks told her, "that's you."

"But it wasn't when you were gone. Fr. Fowler had these terms: human beings and human doings. Human beings exist in the moment, find good things even in bad things, make a positive contribution. Human doings are going through the motions. I was a human doing while you were gone. I was angry and hurt when my father was killed. I was heartbroken when Jack left. I was sad when Dom died. I left you on a ridge looking like you, being infuriatingly you, and the next time I saw you, you were damn near dead. And then you were gone. And in a way, so was I."

"Oh Kensi, I'm so sorry."

"No, it's okay. Because you're here. I always figured you'd leave me. Everyone does..."

"Kens..."

She shook her head. "No, I don't mean they do it on purpose. I sort of figured that out after my father's murder was solved."

"By you. After your father's murder was solve by you," he reassured her.

Kensi got an odd smile, pride Deeks thought. Kensi continued. "Dom, my Dad, they had their choice taken away from them. Jack wasn't Jack anymore so I lost him a long time before he left. And you know, he was a human doing by the end too," Kensi told him, shaking her head sadly. "I'm so afraid you're not going to be you anymore and I'm not smart enough or strong enough or good enough to keep you here with me. And I don't want you to act like what happened was nothing or that you're past it if you're not. I just want to help. I want you to talk to me." She giggled and started crying hard again. "God, I can't believe I'm begging you to talk after spending three years telling you to shut up."

"I knew I'd wear you down," he tried to joke.

She was having none of it. She was as serious as he'd ever remembered her being when she told him, "You did. You wore me down completely. And in doing that, you're the last, irrevocable loss. I'm finished without you."

Deeks stood. Kissing her lightly on the forehead, he told her, "don't move," before jogging into the house. He returned with a box of tissues, a bottle of water and Monty, who made himself comfortable near where Kensi sat. Deeks handed Kensi the tissue box and she took a few, drying her eyes and blowing her nose before stuffing the tissues in her pocket. After opening the water bottle, he handed it to her. Once she drank some of it, he eased her off the fence and into his arms. He held her a few minutes before guiding them back to his chair. He sat down, pulling her into his lap. With his arms wrapped around her, he said, "I'm just going to talk, okay. You don't have to do anything. Just listen, okay?"

When he felt her nod yes, he began.

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