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Chapter Three:
A deep and menacing voice surrounded six astounded teens.
"Ahh...Welcome."
Kaida's hand erupted in flame, "Here we go, at least we can see."
It was what they saw that surprised them all.
"Father?" Kaida asked, voice spiteful even with a question. At the same time Kaida spoke, Jon and Kat both said, "Sephiroth?"
"Hello, Kaida. We haven't seen each other in what? Forty-five years? Or has it been 50? Either way its been too long." He smiled, his teeth gleaming in the flickering light, making him look menacing. Not that he wasn't menacing enough already...
"It hasn't been long enough." Kaida said through gritted teeth. Jon, who only just came to his senses was still staring at Sephiroth.
"Oh ouch, I thought you might enjoy a family reunion." Her father said sarcastically.
"Ok, cut the crap." Kaida glared up at him. "Why are you here?"
"Well you see..." Sephiroth began when he was interrupted by Jon.
"Hold it!" Everyone looked questioningly att the newly recovered Jon. "I have a question."
Sephiroth groaned. "Can no one give a complete villian speech in this fanfiction?"
"There goes that fourth wall, nice one father."Kaida said, groaning.
"Ok...ignoring all of that..." Jon looked at Sephiroth from fifteen feet away. "Why the heck do you have such a ridiculously long sword?" Everyone groaned at first, then went into shock. As badly timed as the question was... it actually made sense.
"Wow, Jon actually asked a question that people want to know about." Zexion said in amazement.
"Hmmm... so that's where his mind is while we're all in danger of being killed, enslaved, or worse." Kaida said.
"Worse?" Kat asked.
"Well, we could always be forced to wear pink princess dresses..." Kaida told her.
"Point taken. Still why is he thinking about the sword?"
"Ahem." Jon started. "For several reasons... the top two being that it is shiny, and..." He gave a chuckle "...it can be used to chop people into a billion little pieces which I can then throw into a tank full of acid." Jon panted and was nearly foaming at the mouth.
"Ok...I'm going to pretend you stopped at shiny Jon." Kat said.
"Whatever, now then." He turned to face Sephiroth. "What's with the 20 foot sword?"
"Well it's useful for this.." Jon heard a whooshing sound and suddenly his head felt cold.
"My hair!!!!!! Ahhh!!! It was short enough already from stupid school rules!" He manically stepped over to Zexion and held out an open hand.
"Give it!" He said forcefully.
Zexion sighed and summoned his book which Jon then reached into. The group watched curiously (Since they all knew Jon couldn't actually use the book). Then they heard Larxene's screeches.
"Kat? Did we forget to let her out from recent events?" Kaida asked.
"Ummm...oops." Kat shrugged.
"Well I vote we let her stay in there." Axel said. About this time Jon was pulling something from the tome. A long barrel appeared... Larxene's bazooka. Shutting the book Jon turned around to face Sephiroth.
"NOBODY MESSES WITH MY HAIR!!!!!" Saying this he unloaded the gun with a blinding burst of light and waves of searing heat.
He managed to clip Sephiroth's side before the gun was knocked from his now scorched hands. (Never play with guns kids :P)( yep, cause only Jon is able to do this and, well, he never succeeds...[its safe for everyone but him...)(Hey!!!...well ok it's true... but still...)
"Ok now if you have finished, please allow us to continue, strange boy." Jon sulked but there was really nothing he could do. So, the unreal family reunion continued.
(-sigh- Jon...this is quite..er...strange...BUT, i'll let it stay in the fanfiction only because I feel generous this...evening.)
"I have some...duties that I need to take care of." Sephiroth said, grinning his menacing, yet seductive grin (Seductive? What is he going to pull a Michael Jackson and rape us?). He sheathed his long sword, turned around, and walked off. Jon, still annoyed at losing his 'emo' hair, stood up from where he was and walked over to one of the corners of the dungeon cell that they all were currently in.
He sighed, "Well, atleast Demyx isn't here to do something stupid, like fall on a lever that opens up a hole in the wall leading to a vat of toxic waste." Jon said, and leaned against the dungeon wall. The wall gave a screech and Jonathan fell backwards and out of the cell. Kat and Kaida walked over to inspect where Jon fell. Axel and Zexion would have helped inspect the wall, but they were to busy laughing at Jon to do anything.
Kat burst into laughter. "It's a lever." she said outloud. Kaida reached out and pulled the lever down. A stone in the wall was pulled in, revealing a large opening.
The girls gasped at what lay behind the wall. A huge bricked room opened out from the hole in the stone wall. In the middle of the room was a huge metal container. Kat looked down, "Kai, it's a slide." Kaida turned and looked over a Kat, "Wicked. I knew he put me in the right cell." Kat looked at Kaida with a quizzical look upon her face. "Huh?" she questioned. "You'll see," Kaida said in a sing-song voice.
Behind them, Zexion, Roxas, and Axel had finally ceased laughing. They stood up and walked towards their girlfriends. "So," Axel said, "What happened now?"
"Jon opened up a secret passage in Kai's father's dungeon, slide down the slide, and fell into that metal container full of some goopy green stuff."
Axel, Roxas, and Zexion started laughing, yet, again. (They never seem to stop now do they?)
(Lol, why is it that I seem to be a magnet for Murphy's Law?)
"What is Jon psychic now?" Kat asked.
"Don't look at me, I didn't teach him." The immortal pyro held up her hands.
"Hey does that mean we can call him Madame Cleo?" Axel asked.
"Hmm... but he hasn't been busted for fraud, inspired countless jokes about not seeing it coming, or been laughed at by millions for idiocy...and really bad teeth, his are shiny white!" Roxas said.
"I don't know, he comes close for idiocy..." Zexion set the three of them off again.
"Wow that gets old kinda fast." Kat groaned as she shook her head.
"Hey, they make up for it in hotness." Kaida consoled her. (Wow Jon...I just can't believe that you wrote this..)
"Well thanks for helping me out guys!" Jon sputtered as he slipped his way across the room. Large spheres of the gunk slid off of him as they were jolted loose by his erratic pace.
"Ummm... Kai? What does that stuff do, and do we want to let him near us right now?"
"Ummm Jon?" Zexion started to say.
"What the heck now?" Jon snapped. "What else could go wrong today? I've been possessed by a psycho demon, had my head shaved, AND recieved third degree burns on my hands!"
"Don't forget about falling into a vat of radioactive waste..." Roxas added.
"That too! Thank you!" (You do know that we can tell when your voice is dripping with sarcasm)
"Always trying to help." He said smugly."Oh and by the way whats that?" Roxas dramatically pointed to a hole in the wall behind Jon's head.
Jon looked quizically at Roxas and turned his head. "Rox, there's nothing th---" BAM!
Roxas hit Jon on the head, knocking him out. Kaida and Kat stared blankly at Roxas. "What?" He asked. "Lets check him for anything abnormal."
"But, its Jon, Roxas...he's abnormal anyways." voiced Kat
"True...true." Roxas bent down over Jon, examining him for anything out of the un-ordinary.
"Tsk-tsk-tsk." Kaida said, "I'm sort of surprised this place is still here."
"How so?" Questioned Axel. He walked over to where Roxas was bending over Jon. Zexion and Kat followed.
Kaida smiled, "I dunno, I just am...Father being Father, I'm amazed that he hasn't found this place."
"Oh my head..." Jon stirred and opened his eyes. Roxas was the first person he saw and Roxas was a...bit..close for comfort... "What the heck!" Jon jumped up, then collapsed from dizziness. "Come on Roxas, next time...dont hit me so hard." Jon turned his head and saw how everyone was looking at him. "Uh...guys? Whats wrong?"
Axel and Zexion started snickering quietly. Kat wrote something in her notebook and a large mirror appeared in her hand. She walked over to Jon with the mirror. "Well, Jon...-eh..,yeah..Kai, you tell him.
"Jon," Kaida approached him and patted his shoulder. "It seems...as if the goop you fell into" (she then muttered something inaudible..Jon cause the words 'my' and a word that rhymes with crap) "Well, the goop causes mutations...and it effected your ears and your head."
"WHAT?!?!?!" Jon snatched the mirror out of Kats hands and looked at himself. "Oh My God!" He head had grown, (think...MoJoJoJo from the powerpuff girls..But, with skin covering the brain...and a much smaller brain...) And, his ears had shrunk a small bit, nothing drastic like his head growth, but you could tell.
"Great...just great." Jon muttered as he turned the mirror around.
"There is an upside to this." Roxas said.
"Don't talk to me. I feel betrayed Roxas. Ir really thought we were building a really great friendship on a strong foundation of trust."
"Ok..."
"Alright, I'm over it. The bright side would be?"
"Maybe Kairi will be repulsed and hate you."
"Don't say that name!" But it was too late already. A sickening cloud of hot pink and lime green was forming. Jon gagged. "It's like a dog, if you name it...it will never leave...or DIE!!!!"
"Hahahahahaha Jon-Kun" An annoyingly high-pitched voice giggled. "You're sooooo funny. Say somethi..." The pink garbed barbie stopped as she saw his head.
"Maybe...Maybe..." Jon whispered.
"Jon-kuns..."
"Come...luck of the Irish..."
"Your head..."
"Hurry up, go screaming in horror and run away..."
"It's cutilicious!!!!!" (lol)
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Jon fell to his knees and started crying while Kairi cooed over his transformation.
"Awww aren't they a cute couple..." Kaida snickered.
"Wow, I knew she wasn't very bright but..." Zexion muttered. Suddenly Jon's eyes took on an new light.
"Kairi sweets." He said through clenched teeth.
"Yes dear one?"
"He's finally cracked." Roxas sighed.
"Well, cracked more." Axel said, which of course set the trio off again. Kat groaned and Kaida reminded her.
"Hotness Kat, remember hotness..." While this was happening Jon led Kairi over to the edge of the glowing vat.
"Ohh prett...AHHHHH!!!!" Kairi screamed as Jon gave her a sudden shove. A satisfying stream of bubbles followed the splash.
Jon wiped off his hands and grinned while the others gaped.
"Freedom!!! Finally!!" He brought out his notebook, wrote himself back to normal, and then began to dance around in ecstasy.
"Wow, Stefan must have left an imprint on him..." Kaida said.
"Ummm...Kaida?" Kat asked. "Will that stuff kill her? Cause I don't want to be the one to explain to Square Enix that one of thier main people got dumped into radioactive waste."
"Hmmm, I'm curious now." Kaida thought out loud. "It won't kill her, but it will change her. To what I wonder?"
"Anybody got a fishing pole?" Roxas asked
"You know how to fish?" Kat asked as she wrote up a shiny new pole.
"Bass champion of World That Never Was two years running." He bragged.
"Yeah because nobody else fishes." Zexion muttered.
"And he fishes in the bathtub." Axel erupted in laughter.
"It was a big swirly bathtub." Roxas pouted. "The kind that makes all the bubbles."
"So that's what a member of Orginaztion XIII, one of the most evil groups in KH, does for for fun?" Kat shook her head.
"Well, they canceled bingo night AND disco night!" Roxas complained.
Jon finally walked back up and glanced at Roxas, who was now casting into the goop.
"What are you doi...NOOOOOOOO!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!!!" Jon rushed him and was promptly knocked out by a swift push on a pressure point.
Several hours later (Roxas kept getting tangled in the pipes.) Kairi was finally fished out. About this time the sleep drugs that Kat had given Jon wore off. Jon sulked
"Roxas I really don't know how we can continue being friends if you keep knocking me out."
"Wow...that's...strange..." Roxas wrinkled his forehead as the girl was pulled out of the ooze.
Kairi was stiff.
Kairi was shiny.
Kairi was now plastic.
"Can I melt her?" Jon asked. It was a heated debate but eventually they decided to send her back to Destiny Island where she could become a clothes mannequin.
"Wait... why don't we do that?" Axel asked?
"Good idea." Kat said and began to scribble in her notebook when Kaida's hand stopped her.
"No, we need to find out what Father has planned."
"Ummm Kai?" Jon looked nervous. "You might shouldn't have done that."
"Done wha...uh oh." A wobbling blue portal had appeared in the room. Jon explained quickly.
"Never stop someone in the middle of writing. You never know what will turn out."
The six backed against the wall while the source of the light grew larger.
"Kat where were you making the portal to?" Jon asked while hastily trying to figure out what could happen.
"I was going to take us back to The Hall of Empty Melodies..." The boy scribbled something down quickly in his own notebook. A small computer appeared, into which he typed rapidly.
"So that means that it should have opened somewhere along... uh oh."
"Uh oh?" Roxas asked nervously.
"We got an evil squirrel general incoming!" Jon ducked for cover while Kat grinned as commando boots stomped through. Followed by the swish of wings.
"Tonto! What are you doing hanging out with the enemy?!" Jon scolded as the bird landed on his shoulder and pecked for M&M's.
"Ugatham Mortilva Pasimoeria Nutsomine Hawcsensia" The squirrel general barked out to Kat. (WTH? Did you just make this stuff up? lol)
"He says that they were having their weekly poker match when my portal appeared. They figured something was wrong and came through."
"Weekly poker? Are you kidding me?" Jon asked the hawk. Of course when the bird told him how much he won it was fine...
"So now what?" Roxas questioned. "won't your father know we left the prison cell Kai?"
"Hmmm we need to fix that." She thought for a moment and turned to Jon.
"Already on it." He waved as began typing into his computer while stripping several near bye wires.
"Couldn't you just fix it with your notebook?" Zexion looked at Kat.
"No the sensors are in the cell and Father probably has guards against that, very unpleasant guards." Kai told him.
"Anybody hungry?" Kat asked. Soon she and Roxas had fixed up something and were having a lakeside pic...ermmm... vatside picnic.
"Got it!" Jon yelled. Gathering around the group saw a tangle of wires all connecting back to his laptop.
"What did you do?" Roxas asked.
"Hacked into Sephy's mainframe. Surprisingly easy. A brute force password cracker got it fairly quick. Wanna guess what it was?"
"World Domination?"
"I hate Cloud?"
"Twenty foot swords rock?"
"Nope, it was 'MENSA'...is he a member?" Jon turned to Kaida.
She sighed an said " No, Mensa was a joke name he used to call himself. Master of Evil Nightmares: Sephiroth Almighty."
"Oooook, strange family... Anyway." Kaida glared at Jon and he continued "I changed the video feed to show us in the cell and scrapped the whole lever episode. I also inserted several holograms in with artificial intelligence. They might not be quites as entertaining as we are, but they'll get the job done."
"How'd you do that so quickly?" Roxas asked. Jon pointed to the laptop.
"Already had the holograms made...and this is a quantum computer."
"Jon... you know those don't exist yet." Kat said.
"Ahh the joy of having super author powers..." Jon grinned as he opened minesweeper.
"Jon...I really wouldn't play minesweeper on this computer." Kaida warned, backing up. A silvery shield covered the group, including Jon. She sent a mental note into everyones heads telling them to follow suit.
"Why?" He asked, "Its not like anything bad'll happen." His cursor moved to click on one of the last grey squares in the game.
"Jon...You'd better not lose." Kaida muttered. "The whole computer blows if you do...thats just how it is set up."
"What? You can't be seriou----CLICK..."
"Oh shoot."
KABANG! The whole computer exploded--shrapnel going everywhere... Kaida and everyone in her shield were thrown back. She levitated, so they wouldn't fall into the vat of toxic waste. Everyone looked down into the metal bin where the pieces of computer were slowly mutating, then dissolving.
"NEAT! Is that what'll happen to Kairi?!" Jon wondered aloud.
Everyone glared at him, "Just...be quiet, won't you?"
Kaida lowered everyone down and removed the shield. Zexion walked over to Jon and set a hand on his shoulder. "Jonathan...Please, please pay attention to Kaida next time."
Kat nodded at Zexion, "Yes, please Jon. Kai? Don't you agree?"
She looked around. "Kai?"
Kaida was nowhere in sight.
Brooohahaha! Chapter three is up! Enjoy
R&R.
Kaida and Jon will smite you otherwise...Well, Kaida will...Jon might just cry over his computer.
Jon: Why!!!! Why couldn't it have been me!!!!! So beautiful. Endless calculations in fractions of the time on normal macroscopic hardware!!!!
Kaida: Stupid nerd...
Jon: I prefer Geek or Techie
Kat: Wow, when you argue over the nuances, that's when you have a problem...
Jon: How many times have we covered this? YES!!! I HAVE ISSUES!!!!!!"
-random mothers pass by and shield thier young infants as they begin to run-
Jon: Wait...I'm...fine!!! See?
-walks up to random mother holding hands up
Jon: AHHHHH!!!! Soccer mom with pepper spray!!!!! My Eyes!!!!!!