Chapter Three - Captain Village People (And Team)

[Tony]

Steve blinked owlishly for a moment. Then he seemed to gather his wits, falling into a defensive stance.

"Tony are you alright?"

"Um...yes?"

"You can't answer a question with a question!"

"I clearly can, I just did it. But yes, Steve, I'm alright."

Married to the enemy, but otherwise alright. Not that I'll mention that first part to you in ever.

Steve visibly deflated.

"Oh. Good."

Then he noticed Loki for the first time. He promptly blushed all over and averted his eyes.

"Oh, uh, Miss, I'm...so sorry I didn't...um."

Loki made a sound like an angry cat, flopped down onto her back and pulled one of the bedsheets over her face. Steve looked at Tony, who discreetly pulled a corner of the sheet over his lap.

"Err Tony who is..."

"A friend."

Loki shot up from under the covers like a jack-in-the-box.

"I am most definitely not 'a friend'."

Steve clapped a hand over his eyes. Tony shot Loki a wide-eyed "what do you want from me" look.

"Well, what else would I-hmph!"

Loki had clapped a hand over his mouth, looking at Steve with a smile like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.

"I'm his wife."

Tony briefly saw his life flash before his eyes.

Steve did not, however, immediately commence the Tony-murdering. Instead, he gazed heavenward in dismay.

"I don't understand people anymore."

Which was the moment Clint choose to appear inside the broken door, holding a bagel in one hand and his bow in the other, quiver slung onto his back.

"Well, Cap, I think no one ever understood Iron Idiot over there. Congrats on the one-night stand, Tony, picked a stunner too."

Loki pulled the blanket back over her head. Tony decided that he was not going to pay for Clint's therapy sessions once the archer realised he'd ogled the breasts of the guy that had turned him into a blue-eyed voodoo zombie.

"Guys can you maybe come back later? This is sort of..."

"A fucking mess that Pepper will kill you for?"

Tony briefly entertained the thought of faking a heart attack and/or ark reactor failure to escape this fresh hell.

"Hi Natasha. So nice of you to join us. Do come in, door's not locked."

"Tony, smile."

Clint held up his phone. The phone's mini-flash felt like a stab directly into Tony's hung-over frontal lobe.

"What the fuck Clint!?"

"Hey man, this is A-grade blackmail material. I've got to document this! Also, Bruce woke up naked in a casino and Hill is still busy bailing him out of prison - because apparently, Vegas does have 'indecent exposure' laws -, so someone has got to keep the guy updated."

Tony felt his brows rise in alarm.

"Did he hulk out?"

Clint shook his head.

"Nah. Just drunk. Asgardian ale is good shit and apparently really good for keeping your chill."

Tony pondered that for a moment.

"Would Asgardian ale also explain why Captain Village People is wearing speedos and yellow headgear?"

Steve, predictably, turned the colour of a boiled lobster. Natasha grinned.

"Well, you missed out Stark. Drunk supersoldiers do some pretty insane things. Now maybe you want to introduce us to your lady friend."

Tony knew that voice. It was her "tell me all your secrets so I don't have to torture them out of you" voice. He swallowed, hard.

"Uh, well, you see, funny story actually..."

"I'm his wife."

Natasha blinked.

"Come again."

Loki stuck her head out from under the blanket.

"I am his wife. Since last night."

Clint started to laugh. Natasha scowled at Tony.

"You did not."

"Sorry?"

Natasha actually facepalmed, which would have been hilarious in other circumstances.

"Oh my god Tony."

Clint laughed harder. Steve was looking towards the ceiling, apparently set on ignoring everyone until his faith in humanity was magically restored. Tony tried making puppy eyes at Natasha to absolutely no effect.

"I know. And I'm really sorry! But I was really drunk. Please don't let Pepper kill me?"

Clint was clutching his sides and leaning on a wall for support, still howling with laughter. It was getting kind of rude. Natasha groaned.

"Tony please stop talking."

Tony closed his mouth. Natasha took her hand away from her face.

"Great. Now, does Pepper know?"

"Yes."

"Congratulations, you're fucked."

"I know."

"And this is is going to be a PR disaster if anyone finds out."

"I know!"

"Well, at least you recognise exactly how fucked you are. But this isn't a worst case scenario."

Err, yes it is. It's the worst case in the history of worst cases. But you don't know that.

The thing was, the universe hated Tony Stark. Because not even a second after Tony had finished that thought, Thor stuck his head into the room, his godly gaze zeroing in on Loki as if he had a fucking sibling radar, and shouted

"BROTHER! WHAT NEW MISCHIEF IS THIS!?"

In that moment Tony deeply regretted not updating his will before he'd travelled to Vegas.