Chapter 3: Waking up for the last time

A/N: I own nothing. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. Smooches to the usual suspects Gabbysway2 and CorrinaT for being my cheerleaders.

I have to say a huge thank you to Boydblog just because she's awesome and agreed to be my beta and whip this baby into shape. I would also like to thank Edwardsisobel for pre-reading & offering her feedback. Those two helped me refine it, but I may have broken it again, so any errors below are on me.

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I slid over to the passenger side and let Alice take over the driving. She had just called Jasper on her cell phone to let them know we were on our way. I couldn't even pay attention to the streets as Alice weaved through the traffic, grumbling about my truck. I chuckled darkly; her words reminded me of him.

When we arrived at the hotel, Jasper was waiting near the entrance to the parking lot, a hotel key card in hand. He looked at me apologetically as he let us in.

The second Alice had stopped the truck; he pulled my door open before instantly taking two steps back and putting some distance between us. "I'm sorry for everything, Bella," he said, and I felt shame and pity wash over me.

"No, Jasper. Please, don't blame yourself. I always knew the risks and I accepted them. It's not your fault."

"Thank you for being so gracious," he said. Alice wrapped her arms around him.

"See, Jazz, I told you she didn't blame you."

I instantly needed to see Carlisle. I decided he would help me to get what I wanted; at least now I knew what I wanted. I'd known it since I first found out what he was; although I wanted it for different reasons back then. Initially it was so I could spend forever with my true love. Now I wanted it for two reasons, so that I could punish him for leaving me and so that I could be enough for him. I wasn't sure which reason would be more justifiable when I saw him again, but it didn't really matter now.

"No," Alice whispered, her eyes glassy and her jaw slack.

"What do you see?" Jasper asked her.

She shook her head and came back to the present. "Nothing," she eyed me strangely.

Jasper took my bag out of the car and then led us to the elevators. "We got a suite," he said apologetically. "It was all we could get at such short notice."

He pushed the door open for us.

"Jasper, we need to go out and get some...stuff." Alice grabbed my bag from his hand and placed it on the floor before pulling him straight back out of the hotel suite.

"Bella," Carlisle greeted. His eyes were guarded and a little weary as he took in my appearance. I couldn't help feeling like I was being appraised by the doctor within.

"Carlisle, it's good to see you again." I was trying desperately to hold back my tears.

"I assume by Alice's subtle exit there is something that you want to talk to me about?"

I nodded and took in a deep breath. I felt as if I was about to confess my sins.

"I want you to change me."

A look of genuine surprise crossed his face. "Why?"

"I've wanted it for so many months now. You know that. I know...," I forced myself to say his name, "Edward didn't want me changed, but I understand why now."

He didn't really love me, not enough to want me around forever.

"I still want it. I want you to change me."

"The last time we had this conversation, not even two weeks ago, I told you that it was between you and Edward." He seemed genuinely concerned about me. He stepped a little closer, I crossed my arms in defiance.

"But then Edward left me. Do you understand that Carlisle? He left me. It's not his decision anymore." I worked hard to keep the desperation and pain out of my voice, but I needed Carlisle to understand. I wasn't making this decision lightly; it was what I'd wanted ever since I'd known it was a possibility.

"Bella..."

"No, Carlisle. I'm not going to argue about it. It's my life and my decision. I am truly sorry to have to give you an ultimatum like this…but either you change me or I'll spend the rest of my living days hunting down someone who will. I know the hallmarks of vampires now, I know what to look for and I will eventually find one. Of course, with anyone else, I will be taking the risk that they might not be able to stop. At least if you do it, there's no chance of it going wrong. I trust you."

He sighed. "Let me think about it. I'll need to discuss it with my family, Bella. It affects everyone."

I nodded. "Thank you, for considering it."

"Bella, what about your parents?"

"I'll become another statistic; just another teen runaway who never reappears."

"And you're prepared to put them through that?"

I nodded again. "Unless you can think of another solution?" I thought for a moment before adding, "That still gets me what I want."

I turned and walked towards the bedroom, pulling the door shut behind me. I couldn't hold myself together anymore. I wanted to fall to pieces and sob, but instead I was going to shower and go to bed. I'd delivered my ultimatum, and I wanted to leave Carlisle alone with his thoughts for a while.

The next morning I woke to the smell of bacon and eggs. My stomach growled. I didn't care enough about what Alice, Carlisle and Jasper thought of me to worry about getting changed out of my pyjamas before going out to meet them for breakfast. I nodded at them in turn as I pulled the lid off the room service tray. I knew that they'd ordered it specifically for me.

Carlisle seemed to appraise me as I ate. "Bella, are you still certain of your decision?"

I nodded; my mouth full of egg and toast.

"And you're ready right now?"

The way he said that made me pause, it was exactly the same way Edward had once asked me. I realised he was waiting for an answer so I nodded again.

"Everyone has agreed that if you are certain of your course it is best that I help you. Like you said, there is no chance of an accident with me."

I swallowed my mouthful of food. Something he had said had caught my attention. "Everyone?" I needed clarification.

"Everyone at the house, except Rosalie."

"So even Ed...he agreed with it?" That can't be right.

Carlisle shook his head. "Edward isn't living with us at the moment."

I knew Edward wouldn't agree, he'd never agree to that. He didn't want me to be like him.

"So what does that mean?" I asked.

"Well, the three of us were talking last night. We know Charlie will keep looking for you. Bella, he'll never give up. As hard as it might be, I think you need to die. We need to fake your death, if you understand my meaning."

I nodded, I knew he was right. My parents needed to think I was gone. I felt guilty that I was going to put my parents through a tremendous amount of grief, but it wasn't enough to sway me from my course.

~0~

We prepared for my transition over the next few days. Alice shopped, a lot. Jasper flew to Seattle to arrange some fake ID's for me. Carlisle and I stayed in the hotel room and took advantage of Jasper's absence; regularly drawing just a little blood from me and storing it in the hotel mini-bar fridge.

Within a few days, we had enough that I would be declared legally dead by any doctor if they found it at an accident scene. Jasper returned shortly after with the fake ID and suddenly our plan kicked into action.

There was no time left to change my mind, not that I wanted to.

We packed my truck with all my belongings, including my wallet, cash and passport, and the blood Carlisle had collected. We decided the best way to stage my death was to make it look like I simply fell asleep at the wheel and crashed one night, only to be dragged away by a wild animal. Once everything was prepared, Carlisle drove my truck away from the hotel a few hours before sunrise. We didn't want any witnesses coming across the scene too quickly.

Jasper, Alice and I went to the airport to wait for his return. We had boarding passes for the next available flight to New York. An hour later, Carlisle walked into the terminal, with his clothes still in immaculate condition and not a hair was out of place. No one would have guessed he had just been in a head-on collision with a tree at 55 miles per hour.

We arrived in New York, where they had moved after leaving Forks.

After a few hours spent with the Cullens, hours filled with endless apologies, I began to feel uncomfortable and anxious. I'd made my decision and just wanted it to come to fruition as soon as possible. I asked Carlisle if we could just move ahead with the plan. If he thought I was being rude or abrupt, he didn't say anything. Instead, he nodded before leading me through to his study.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked for what was possibly the hundredth time. Each time he had drawn blood, each time I looked like I might have been doubtful, each time I woke in the morning, he had asked the same question.

I nodded.

"I have never done this when there was another option before," he murmured, as he administered the large dose of morphine we'd agreed would be used to accompany my change.

I looked deep in his eyes, trying to make him see. "There is no other option for me."

He nodded and then sunk his teeth deep into my neck, quickly moving on to my wrists, then my inner elbows. He bit into me over and over again, each location giving me another acute pain to concentrate on.

~ 0 ~

The pain was worse than I imagined, searing though every inch of me. Being so accident-prone, I'd experienced agony in my life, but nothing could compare to the pain of transformation. Even the pain James had inflicted on me was nothing. I would take that pain a thousand times over the pain I was feeling now.

There was only one experience that could compare to the agony I felt now–the moment Edward convinced me he didn't love me. When he said he didn't want me and then the seconds, minutes and days that had somehow existed after my world imploded. That agony had been infinitely worse than how I felt now, except that had been and emotional pain, this pain was physical, every individual cell in my body burned.

I spent my time in agony trying to compare which was the worst. Just when I decided the pain of Edward leaving was worse, the physical pain I was in doubled. As the venom burned, so did the hatred and the anger; burning through me faster than I could comprehend. I hated that I wasn't enough to hold onto Edward as a human. I was angry that he had led me to believe so thoroughly, so completely, that he loved me. He allowed me to fall in love with him, knowing all along that he didn't feel the same way.

As the pain doubled again, I was surprised to find I was becoming aware of other things happening. They didn't distract me from the pain, rather my brain allowed me the capacity to feel pain and notice my surroundings simultaneously, without dulling either sensation.

The first thing that I became aware of was a shrill noise. I tried to pay attention to it. I eventually worked out that it was a voice, alternating between words and screaming. Once I heard the words, it occurred to me that they were the same as what was running through my head. They were shouting at whoever would listen to 'kill me, please; please end my pain' and shouting out Edward's name, as if he could come and rescue me, as if he would. As soon as I made this connection I knew it was my words screaming out to the world. Then I found, if I concentrated hard enough, I could stop the screaming.

Once the screaming stopped, I heard other sounds. Breathing. There were three people in the room with me. One was sitting next to me, with their hand resting across my forehead. I was surprised that the hand felt warm. I wondered if Carlisle had bought a human to watch my transformation, then I realised that was ridiculous, he would not put anyone in that type of danger. I listened closely, there were no heartbeats. So the group around me was definitely not human.

The more I processed, the clearer things became. The pain intensified again, but started to leave my extremities. My toes and fingers were now pain-free, but I couldn't rejoice in that small victory because my torso ached all the more for the relief I had elsewhere. As the pain increased in my chest, my heart beats became irregular; speeding faster.

"Listen to that," said one of the voices. Carlisle, I guessed, but it sounded so unlike the way Carlisle usually sounded.

"It's almost time!" cheered another voice. Alice.

"Oh, thank goodness." A motherly voice this time. Esme, I guessed.

I tried to remember their voices from my human memories, but I found that it hurt to recall those memories for too long. The familiarity was there with all the voices, but they were somehow so much more than I remembered them being. I could pick up intonations and bells that I had never heard before. And the smells – I had never really experienced any of my senses before. Not like this. I couldn't even put names to the smells that I encountered now. As hard as I tried to run through all the experiences I'd ever had, there was just nothing that could adequately describe these wonderful scents.

My heart beat ever faster and the fire burned ever hotter; racing towards each other to the death of both. I arched my back and clenched my fists in agony. Then, with one final beat, my heart stopped.

I opened my eyes before snapping them shut again. In the fraction of a second they had been open, I took in everything. There was no need to wait for them to adjust to the light. The view of the whole room now filled my memory. I concentrated on what I had seen in the split second my eyes had been opened. Carlisle was indeed sitting beside me, his hands now resting on my shoulder; I felt the warmth of his skin against mine. Esme was standing near the door, far to the left of me. Alice stood behind Carlisle on my right, in front of an open window. Despite the cloud cover outside, I could see all of their skin shimmering slightly. I could see new colours in the light coming through the window.

I heard three more sets of footsteps arriving and found I could easily distinguish their owner's by what I knew of the family. Jasper's lithe steps walked straight to where I knew Alice stood, Emmett's footsteps thundered and the light clicks of Rosalie's shoes shadowed behind him.

I lay with my eyes shut trying to work out how I felt. There was something…different.

Anger.

The anger that had burned through me during my transformation, occupied the hole in my chest where my heart had once beat. A twin burn, matching the one in my throat that told me I was thirsty. I realised at once that I'd made a mistake, not in forcing a change because I was glad I was a vampire, but by coming to the Cullens to do it. If they knew the real reason I'd asked to be turned, it would hurt them. They'd all gone out of their way to make me feel welcome since I'd arrived in New York, and all I wanted was to hunt down a member of their family.

I need to get out.

"Watch her," Alice said.

I decided to stand and suddenly, I was. I hissed at Alice.

"Bella, no, we love you. Please don't go."

I shook my head. "I can't stay." I waited for the tears but they never came. My anger just stung my eyes instead.

"Please," Alice implored. "Just let us take you hunting first; you'll feel better once you have your thirst under control."

I couldn't make up my mind. My eyes flickered between Alice and the window. Jasper must have felt the anger rolling off me because I could feel calming waves coming from him, but he still put himself between me and Alice.

Then I noticed Alice nod almost imperceptibly and felt arms constricting mine, pinning them to my sides. I struggled against the weight, twisting from side to side. My newborn strength gave me an advantage over Emmett. I knew it was Emmett; he was the only one who would have thought himself strong enough to even try to contain me.

As soon as my arms were free, I pushed Emmett away, accidentally throwing him through the wall. I leapt toward the window and threw myself straight through it. Alice pulled Jasper out of the way just in time for me to pass. I watched the floor rise slowly to meet my feet. It took a moment to realise how easy things were as a vampire. Moving just didn't involve any effort, regardless of whether it was a flick of the wrist or a three story jump.

"Just in case," Alice shouted out the window just as I saw a flash of silver. Instinctively my hand flicked out and I caught what she had thrown to me. It was a cell phone.

I turned and ran for the nearest safe harbour I could see; a forest just a few miles away from their house.

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A/N:- Thank you to everyone who is still with me ;) those who can't remember\haven't read this story & those that have. An extra thank-you to those who have reviewed & told me what they think. I am trying to work close to canon so Bella is going to be Bella, hence her easy forgiveness of Alice.

Next update will hopefully be Easter Monday (Australian time).