This one is Feeling Small. It's about eating disorders, and it also helped cure my bulimia!
Seriously, look up this song. It's fucking beautiful.
And I will use some lyrics this time. :)
Stan's POV
This one's of me at my sisters wedding day
I pick up a picture of the whole family at Shelly's wedding- only a few months back- from my desk. Shelly, at only 18, got married. We all knew she would get married at a young age, though, so it wasn't a surprise.
That isn't the reason that this picture means so much to me, though. Everyone was happy for Shelly. People were laughing, smiling, spending time together. What was I doing? Throwing up in the bathroom after eating only two slices of cake. While everyone else was happy, I was being selfish. I didn't put on my happy mask and pretend that I was happy for Shelly. I didn't try to make anyone happy. I just made myself throw up because those two pieces of cake were packed with calories.
All the spaces
They all were wasted
I spend so much time throwing up, counting calories and exercising my ass off. I barely ever see my friends anymore. They all got pissed at me because I was "no fun", and I wouldn't pig out with them any more. I hated the idea of purging at a friend's house, so I would never eat any more then a hundred calories there.
I was always down when I was with them, because I had to hide everything from everyone. Kyle would probably understand me if I told him, because I know he has self-esteem issues, but I don't want to tell everyone. I don't want to gain weight, and if I tell Kyle, he will make me.
You're barely breathing I know
What if it's starting to show
And I know it won't ever change but it hurts the same
I can feel my lack of energy growing. With every meal I skip, and every snack I purge, I feel weaker and weaker. After I run a mile as fast as I can, I feel weaker. I know that it isn't normal, but I'm not small enough. I want to get smaller. I want to weigh less, but nothing will happen unless I work hard.
I know people can tell that I exercise more. I know they can tell that I never eat chips or chocolate, or any other of my old pleasure foods. But nobody has told me that they notice I've been looking better. Slimmer. I know that that's a bad thing, but at the same time, what if someone, instead of noticing the weight loss, noticed what I was doing in the bathroom? What if someone heard me gagging, or accidentaly walked in on me with my finger down my throat? Nobody has said anything about my long bathroom trips, but what if they did?
And I'm paler still, but that's the way you wanted it
This one's of you
Certain of cancer
With the weight loss, there has been other things that have happened to me. I've been looking pale. My face looks a bit sunken in. I have bony hands and shoulders, but yet I still have flab on my stomach and thighs. That's the price of beauty, I guess. The price of being thin and weighing less means being pale and bony.
The reason I'm afraid of telling someone, other then because I don't want to be forced to gain weight, is because it's hard to understand. People think that eating disorders are something that is your fault. That you're the one who wants to spend hours counting calories and hating yourself because you think you're too fat. Nobody understands that it's a disease. It's not my fault, or anyone else's thought. If people don't blame you for getting cancer, why should they blame you for having an eating disorder. It's not like I could just magically stop if I wanted. I don't want to, though.
A fever broke somewhere behind July
And remember how I weighed 135
and we collide...
I go over to my bed and lay down. I've been feeling slightly sick lately. I've been feeling sick a lot, actually. Every week, I have a one or two day period when I just feel like I can't move. I can't get out of bed without any motivation. I have to cut down on my exercise. No running, only squats and sit ups, which still drive me crazy and give me massive head-aches.
I press my hand to my fore-head and feel heat. I grab a tylenol off my dresser, hoping that it will help even the slightest bit.
Since I'm already forced to get up to put the tylenol back, I go over by my closet and hop on the scale. I see the number 110 pop up, and I smile. I forget about feeling sick. This is my lowest weight I've been since I started dieting and exercising.
I instantly want to celebrate. I know I can't tell anyone what my reason for being cheery is, but I could always make up an excuse to go out to Starks or to hang out with Kyle. Yeah, friends ditch me, but Kyle is cooler then the other guys. He will occsaionally chill with me.
This one's of me losing my weight
I'm feeling afraid
When I walk over to my phone, it hurts to even pick it up. I feel sicker then I did only seconds ago. My head starts to spin, and I feel all dizzy. I drop the phone, and lay in bed again, but the spinning doesn't stop. My vision goes fuzzy.
This lasts for only minutes, but it still bothers me. For one of the first times, I realise that maybe it's the weight loss. I suddenly feel afraid that if I lose even more, I could pass out, and then I would have to tell someone what happened. I wouldn't be able to cover up that much of a lie.
Suddenly, I'm afraid.
If anyone reading this has been struggling with an eating disorder, I can honestly help you. Message me on here if you ever feel the need to talk, about anything. I've been there. I understand.