Chapter Three
The urge to throw the glass against the wall was almost overwhelming. His fingers tightened around the glass as he remembered the day almost a year ago when he had been furious that she was going to get herself killed. His mother had been right. There was only one person who could get him that angry.
Detective Kate Beckett.
He still didn't know what hurt most. That she had lied to him or that she didn't love him.
He'd meant it when he'd told his mother that he had to get back to the precinct. He'd believed he could do it. But that was before Kate showed up at the memorial. Seeing her so unexpected, without the possibility to prepare himself, had caught him totally off-guard. Hearing her say that she knew that he'd overheard her, knocked the breath out of him.
He had needed to get away from her. Looking into her eyes, hearing her voice felt as if his heart broke all over again. His only escape from the hurt had been to hide behind anger.
The betrayal had felt even worse as she was standing right in front of him. Had she been silently amused that he had still showed up at the precinct ever day over the last months? Had she enjoyed keeping him in the dark about her true feelings?
Had she laughed behind his back about all the small moments he'd considered meaningful? The moments they had locked eyes, blocking out everything around them. The moments he'd been certain her eyes showed more feelings than pure friendship. The moments were an innocent touch had frozen them in place, her skin feeling so soft under his fingers.
She had fooled him. He'd thought they were getting closer to each other. He'd thought they had a chance, that they had something special. But apparently everything he'd felt had only been figments of his imagination. The woman he'd thought he knew inside out had never existed.
A knock at the door interrupted his brooding and when he looked up his daughter walked slowly into the room.
"Can I get you something?" Alexis asked quietly. "A hot cocoa or emergency cheering up pancakes?"
"Sorry, but I think I need the hard stuff today." Castle replied, raising his glass with scotch. "And even pancakes are not gonna help this time."
"What happened, dad?" Alexis stepped closer to the desk, her eyes boring into his. "Beckett stormed into the morgue a few hours ago, all flustered. She looked as if she'd just seen a ghost. I was afraid she would collapse every second and she was searching for you."
"Yeah, she was searching for me." Castle said with a dull voice, rolling the glass between his hands, watching the light reflecting in the golden liquid.
"Why?" Alexis asked, trying to get to the bottom of it. Her dad looked like shit and Beckett hadn't looked better. Something major was going on here and she wanted to know what.
"Can we not get into it today, Alexis?" Castle lifted the glass to his mouth, taking a big gulp, welcoming the burning sensation of the alcohol on his way to his stomach.
"Does grams know?" Alexis hoped that he had at least talked to someone. Bottling it up inside was not helpful.
"Yes, I've talked to her." Castle replied softly and Alexis exhaled a relieved sigh.
"Are you two going to be okay?" Alexis knew how important Beckett was for her father. She hoped whatever happened could be fixed.
"Mother and I?" Castle looked up surprised, having no idea how she could think that something was wrong between his mother and himself.
"No, not grams." Alexis shook her head. "I mean Beckett and you."
"I don't know." Castle rubbed one hand over his face, his throat getting constricted by the thought that they might never be okay again. "It's complicated."
"Are you going to be okay?"
"I'm sure I'll eventually get there."
Alexis knew that she was too old and probably too heavy to sit on his lap but she wished she could wipe away the crushed expression on his face. So she climbed onto his lap and lay her head on his shoulder, wrapping her arms around his waist, hoping to give him some kind of comfort by only being there.
Castle couldn't remember the last time Alexis had been sitting on his lap. She had grown up so fast. Giving her a peck on her forehead, Castle buried his head in her hair, realizing that he would always have his daughter. No matter what happened. No matter that Kate had just ripped his heart out, Alexis was there to catch him. Kate might not love him, but Alexis did. He should be grateful to have her. Maybe he didn't deserve to have more love in his life. Maybe being a father and son should be enough.
~C&B~
Kate stood in front of his loft, rubbing her sweaty hands over her jeans, trying to muster up the courage to actually knock at the door. She had gone home after Castle had left her at the memorial. But she'd paced through her apartment for over an hour and she just couldn't stop thinking about him. She needed to talk to him and he needed to listen.
Taking a deep breath, Kate raised her hand and knocked at the door, waiting anxiously for someone to open it. When Martha opened the door, she couldn't help feeling a stab of disappointment because it wasn't Castle.
"Hey, Martha!"
Kate could see her stiffen, her posture went rigid and her blue eyes turned to ice. She acted like a mama bear protecting her cub and Kate felt as if someone just punched her in the gut as she got reminded once again how much she missed her own mother. Especially in situations like this. The whole Castle situation made her head spin. Falling in love with him had turned her world upside down and besides Lanie she had no one to talk about it.
"Is he here?" Kate asked quietly. "I need to talk to him."
"I don't think so." Martha replied sharply, folding her arms over her chest, effectively blocking the entrance.
If Kate would have had any doubts whether Martha knew about her lie or not, her answer would have erased the last of them. She knew.
"Martha, I really need to talk to him."
"Don't you think you've done enough damage?" Martha asked her furiously. "Why do you want to twist the knife?"
"I don't think that you can consider it as twisting the knife if I just want to explain it to him." Kate replied, slightly taken aback.
Martha didn't know what Kate could have to say that would make her son feel better. He was already on the ground and she wasn't going to let Kate kick him even more.
"Don't you think it's enough for today? Don't you think he deserves a break after he'd just found out that his love is unrequited?"
"He thinks I lied to him because I don't love him?" Kate asked disbelievingly. She must have understood Martha incorrectly.
"Yes, of course. What else should he think?"
"Is he insane?" Kate exclaimed, feeling the urge to beat her head against the wall.
"Well, you can consider him insane for falling in love with a woman who is unattainable but ..."
"No way! He is such an idiot!" Kate shook her head in utter disbelief. She'd never considered the possibility that he was not only angry at her because of her lie but also because he thought that she didn't love him. How wrong he was.
"Martha, you have to let me in." Kate said desperately, on the verge of falling on her knees to beg Martha to give her the chance to talk to him. "He got it all wrong. He needs to know that. He needs to hear it from me."
"What did he get wrong?"
"For god's sake, let me talk to him!"
"Let her in, mother." Castle's quiet voice suddenly interrupted them and Kate's gaze shot to his office where he was leaning against the door frame, his tired eyes still not looking at her, but fixed on his mother. "We both know that she won't give up. Stubborn as she is."
"But Richard, do you really think that's a great idea?"
"Don't worry, mother. I can handle it." Castle replied, a sad smile lifting one corner of his mouth. He turned around to his daughter who was standing right beside him and put his hands on her shoulders, looking intently in her eyes.
"I need a favor, Alexis. Can you take mother and give us an hour?"
"But dad, I ..."
"Please, Alexis. I need to do this alone. Okay?"
"Okay, dad."
Alexis wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him firmly, and Castle closed his eyes for a few seconds, wishing he could just stay in the arms of his daughter forever, wishing that he didn't need to hear Kate telling him that she didn't want to hurt his feelings.
A big lump formed in Kate's throat and tears pricked her eyes. She'd always considered the bond between Castle and his daughter as one of a kind. Everyone could see how much they loved each other. His daughter didn't want to leave him, ready to stand up for him against whoever tried to hurt him. Fortunately the look in Alexis' eyes had showed Kate, that Castle hadn't told her yet and she was grateful that at least one member of the Castle family wasn't mad at her.
Several minutes later Castle closed the door firmly behind his mother and daughter, pressing his hand into the door for a few seconds, gathering every ounce of strength he had left in his body before he turned around to Kate.
"So, let's get this over with, Beckett." Castle said, walking towards his office. "Maybe it's better to rip of the band-aid. Prolonging the inevitable doesn't make it any easier."
His defeated tone made her heart ache. She really expected her to stomp over his heart. He hadn't even thought for a second that she loved him too? If he didn't believe that she was in love with him he must feel betrayed. As if she was playing with him all these months. He couldn't be farther from the truth.
"Castle, I never meant to hurt you." Kate began softly after she had closed the door to his office. "I consider you one of my best friends. I didn't want to lose you."
She wouldn't have thought it possible but the look in his eyes became even more distant. She felt an unbearable urge to touch him and took a step in his direction. It hurt like hell when he flinched back and raised a hand, stopping her from coming any closer.
"Just stay over there, will you?" Castle said coldly. "I ... I just can't have you in my personal space right now. I hope you understand."
"Castle, I ..."
"Answer me one question, Kate!" Castle interrupted her, his voice suddenly becoming edgy and harsher than before. "How on earth is this friendship when you lied to me about such an important thing? In my book being friends means that you tell them the truth, even if it's uncomfortable. Choosing the coward's way out is not an option."
"The timing had been all wrong, Castle!" Kate tried to explain. "I just got shot and I admit that I should have reacted differently but I didn't know what to do with your confession."
"Well, you should have just opened your mouth and tell me that you don't love me." Castle replied angrily. "At least it would have been the truth. Instead you chose to play with me for months. As if I'm your little pet. That's just sick, Kate."
"God damn it, Castle! Will you stop it? I didn't play with you. I just needed time. Time to get finally over my mother's murder. About whom do you think I was talking when I've told you this on the swings, after I'd come back to the city?" Kate put her hands on her hips, getting furious herself. "Geez, Rick! I was talking about you. About us. I've asked for more time so that when I start a relationship with you, I'm able to be completely in it. With all my heart."
"I think you've lost me."
"I can't believe it! Okay, let me spell it out for you." Kate was fuming now. He had completely misread everything that had happened since the shooting and she had enough of their inability to communicate. Maybe it was even better that she was angry. Maybe it made it a lot easier to finally tell him how she felt about him.
"I love you, you dumbass." Kate spit it out into his face, not able to hold her emotions in check any longer. "But I was so scared that I would ruin it and like I said before. I don't want to lose you, Rick. What if we don't work out? What if you decide that I'm not worth the effort? What if you walk away? I'm in love with you, Richard Castle, and I was never more scared in my life."
"You are in love with me?" Castle asked dumbfounded, slumping back against the desk. Could it be true?
"Yes, I'm in love with you." Kate repeated quietly, all the anger draining out of her in a heartbeat as she saw his confused expression. "Probably as long as you are in love with me."
Castle pressed his eyes shut, taking in deep breaths. He never even considered the possibility that she loved him. But he couldn't prevent an uneasiness to creep up in his stomach. He had believed her before and she had lied. What if this was also a lie?
Opening his eyes slowly, Castle looked up at Kate, telling her the harsh truth. "Why should I believe you?"
"What?" Kate asked completely baffled. She hadn't expected that he wouldn't believe her.
"You lied to me before." Castle stated matter-of-factly, closing off his heart in fear of getting hurt again. "Maybe you are lying right now so that you don't lose me as a friend."
"You don't believe me?"
"You can't imagine how much I wanna believe you, but I can't. Not right now. Apparently it's now I who needs time."
"Are you still coming to the precinct or do you have to stay away?"
"I should probably stay away but what we do matters, Kate." Castle replied intently. "Our work is important. I'm not turning my back on the victims. I might not be a cop but I can help to solve crimes and catch murderers. I'm not willing to let that go."
"Okay." Kate said with a shaking voice. "Then I'll see you tomorrow." But before she could turn around and leave Castle's voice stopped her.
"Kate!" The tenderness in his voice brought tears to her eyes and she averted her gaze to the ground, trying to hide it from him but he'd already seen it. His finger slipped under her chin and he lifted it gently until she couldn't avoid eye contact any more and locked eyes with him. "I love you. That hasn't changed. I'm in love with you, Kate Beckett, and if you really love me then you'll give me the time I've asked for."
"I'll prove it to you." Kate gulped hard, looking deep into his blue eyes. He was worth it. He was worth the fight. "I don't know how but I will prove my love to you. I will prove to you that I didn't lie."
Dare I say it, but I actually enjoyed the last ep. I really liked that Kate wasn't trying to make Castle jealous with Colin, though Castle's childish behavior with the flight attendant was a little annoying. Maybe I liked this ep because Lanie was amazing. Finally we've got the long overdue girl talk. I just wish it would have happened a lot sooner. In my opinion there is no way that Lanie, as Kate's best friend, waited almost a year to tell her what she should have told her months ago. My only complaint is that there was too little Castle in the ep for my taste. I've missed him. But overall it was one of the better eps of season 4 and I'm still hoping for the big Caskett fight in the finale.