That night, after Jimmy had washed and changed into his resting clothes, he got into bed, though he felt he couldn't sleep quite yet. Like he had for the entire day, Jimmy couldn't stop thinking during that night, especially after his third visit to Thomas' room. Nobody before had ever made him feel as important; as admirable. It had always been something Jimmy needed, as he didn't feel he was admirable unless another thought so themselves; it was related to the way he was raised. His whole childhood, his parents had acted as if he could do nothing right, so as to improve their son's ability, and because of it, Jimmy had always felt self-conscious; unsure of himself, as much as he tried to hide that fact under confidence and an egotistical attitude. And being admired and given positive attention was something he came to crave; something he needed.

And now, without the idea that Thomas was purely sinful, that not all the man wanted and thought about was having his way with Jimmy, Jimmy for a moment couldn't deny that he was drawn to Thomas, because he gave to Jimmy all that he had needed. All that he had previously misunderstood for lust alone. Thomas may have been a man... but he gave to Jimmy love. Admiration. Attention; positive attention.

Even before he'd understood that what Thomas felt for him was more about love than lust, he'd secretly enjoyed the attention he'd gotten from Thomas, whether or not he had always admitted it to himself and especially to the others. At some moments, he had suspected Thomas of truly loving him, such as when Thomas had come out and said so... "Well, I love you..." and it had pleased him; had made him feel special. Though at other moments, he'd felt that he was wrong; that Thomas was only fooling him, hopeful of taking him to bed. That was what had always bothered Jimmy; he hadn't wanted to be taken advantage of like that, to be made a fool of; and he certainly didn't want to be looked at as if he were vile and sinful. Though at times, deep down, he almost became aroused by what he imagined was in Thomas' mind; which only made him hateful, both toward himself and Thomas. He'd felt they were both indecent, disgusting. It was all very confusing.

But now, as he lay in bed looking up at the ceiling, he had a hard time feeling that Thomas was anything but kind and loving; a decent and selfless man. A man that treated him better than anyone had before; that looked at him as if he could do no wrong.

'Would an indecent man risk his own safety for another's?' thought Jimmy.

'Would a disgusting man accept and be happy with no more than me friendship?'

'No... I've been so wrong about it. Thomas is a good man... A very selfless, a very caring, man. He's not like I thought he was.'

'Am I the foul one? For having always suspected Thomas of loving only me body? Relating everything he's done with lust?'

'No, of course not. I am not the one to blame, here. I am the victim in this situation, not Thomas! If it weren't for Thomas being the way he is, none of those thoughts... none of these thoughts, would even be going through me bloody head! And no matter which way you look at it, it's a sin. It's disgustin'! And if I am to be similar, then I rightly deserve to go to prison. Whether it's based on love or lust, it's wrong. It's all wrong. And I will not think about it for a minute more!'

Jimmy, having decided that was the end of his internal battle, turned over onto his side and shut his eyes, preparing to fall asleep. But still, his thoughts crept up on him...

'I wish he had been fired last year. I wish it badly. If he had been gone, I wouldn't have to deal with this... this confusion, these... unacceptable thoughts...'

But even as he told himself that, he knew at the same time that if Thomas had left, he would have been beaten and robbed that day at the fair. And if Thomas had left, he knew he would have also felt quite lonely as Thomas was really the only one that understood him, that forgave him when he was unkind, and who he could relate with in that house downstairs.

'Bloody hell, I hope I'll fall asleep soon and have a moment of peace!'

To Be Continued...