A/N; Disclaimers will be at the end. For any of you reading this who wanted to leave an anonymous review, sorry but after "Winter's Flowers" got spammed I'm decidedly less trusting of anonymous reviews. This chapter WILL be decidedly more violent than many of my previous writings, but it's for a good cause I assure you. And I'll try and put a humorous spin on it all, but be prepared for a lot of explosions and the like.

Of Spam and Explosions

"TROLL!! TROLL!! In the fandom!! Thought you ought to know." With that the skinny, bespectacled, and unfortunately disheveled looking ferret Kelaiah dropped to the floor of the Green Room in a dead faint.

The Studio and Green Room had been rebuilt after Security Badger Steve's rampage thanks to a helpful Otherpath pocket courtesy of Aelin. However even considering the damage the last studio has taken the new studio was built exactly the same. Why? Probably because the author didn't have the patience or imagination to describe a new set. So the settings were exactly the same.

Arawolf Beechclaw was one of only two other crew members in the Green Room thus spoiling the effect Kelaiah had been going for by rushing into a crowded room and grabbing as much attention for himself that he could. Ara said nothing but promptly dumped a bucket of water on the prone form of Kel to revive him. The ferret came to his sense coughing and spluttering. "We know. It's kinda hard to miss," she said in a very aggravated tone. "Try not to mention it to Rector. He's kinda…well actually I've never seen him like this."

"What?" Kel was quite confused.

Ara shrugged and pointed to the computer in the corner of the Green Room. "See for yourself."

Sure enough, Rector was sitting by himself in front of the computer screen typing and clicking in a frenzy. Though he was muttering to himself he was heard quite clearly. "Hee hee hee hee spam me will you? Take this! And that! Ha ha ha ha ha! Dun! Dun! Dun! Another one bites the dust! As Strong Bad says 'DELEATED'!"

Wringing water from his ears Kelaiah approached Rector cautiously. "Rector? What are you doing? Are you okay?" When the mouse didn't respond and continued his manic activities leaning so close to the screen that it was impossible see. Kelaiah tried to pull the mouse away but due to a recent brainstorming drubbing he had received, he wasn't really all the strong.

Human Kel; Drubbing? Wait a second you don't mean…

warrior4; grins evilly

Human Kel; shocked and a bit horrified You saved all those PM's I sent you?

warrior4; continues grinning evilly

Human Kel; whimpers a bit

Finally after accumulating a few new bruises by being pushed to the floor, Kel just got up and unplugged the computer. Rector was finally able to snap out of his trance like state. "Huh? What happened?"

Kel tossed the cord at him while rubbing his backside. "You pushed me to floor a few times when I tried to pull you away from the computer. Now as I was saying there's a rather nasty…"

Rector just interrupted Kel. "Troll, I know. What do you think I was doing? The bugger left over fifty six hundred anonymous reviews on one of my stories."

"I got spammed to you know," Kel seemed a bit indignant.

"Fifty six hundred anonymous reviews," Rector said very slowly as he enunciated every syllable. "That's about twenty hours worth of work to get rid of them all."

By this time the other crew members had arrived after hearing the ruckus. Kris just sat down and started gorging himself on the ever present junk food on the Green Room table. Aelin and Kayln took in the scene before asking questions. Or at least they would have asked questions had a new voice not chimed in right then.

"Did someone say trolls? I know several of them. They're great for opening gates or pushing really big things."

It was the self same orc that had materialized onstage in the last episode and kissed Kelaiah. The black figure walked over to where Kel was standing and to the shock of everyone present he put an arm around the waist of the orc and quite willingly planted his own kiss on the orc.

"Um, Kel? You do know that's an orc, right?" Kayln asked a little disgusted at the sight.

"Of course. She's actually really nice and now that she's brushed her teeth her breath isn't so bad either," Kel said was a smug grin on his face. The orc smiled to show a neat set of pearly whites complete with the obligatory ding sound and small flash of light.

Aelin went from shocked to quizzical very quickly. "She? How do you know it's a she?"

"Simple," Kel replied as he produced his lazer. Scrolling through the various menu icons he then proceeded to point it directly at where Kris was stuffing Oreos down his muzzle.

"Male," said an electronic voice from the lazer.

The lazer pointed at Rector. "Male."

Kel pointed it at himself. "Male."

"Female." The lazer was now pointed at Kayln.

"Female." Aelin looked as if she didn't need some fancy gizmo to tell her she was a girl.

"Female."

"And proud of it too," Ara said when the lazer rendered it judgment of her.

Finally the lazer was pointed at the orc and Kel pressed the "Test" button.

"Other."

Human Kel; !!WHAT!!

warrior4; laughing to hard to be able to respond

Stunned would have been too lenient a description for the expression on Kel's face. Rather he did his very best imitation of an albino ferret as the color drained from his face. The rest of the crew was laughing to hard to pay much attention. As such they didn't see the frantic scramblings of Kelaiah as he tried feverishly to get his lazer to work as he wanted it to. Sadly this wasn't the case so as smoothly as he could Kel edged himself away from the orc and went back to plug the computer back in.

Kelaiah waited, impatiently tapping his foot while the other crew member's laughter finally subsided. "Are you all finished?" he asked grumpily.

They other five walked over to the computer as Kel was sitting down to pull up the fandom page. When it finally appeared Kel began scrolling through pointing out the various spams left by the troll. "Mainly this troll has done a ton of copying and pasting. They've been saying a lot of the same things time and time and time again. Not only is it old and really repetitive, but very offensive. This is worse than a Sue, this is just cruel."

Kayln nodded in agreement. "A Suethor we can deal with, they either change and get better or get flamed so much they wind up leaving. But how are we going to deal with this?"

"Normally I'd say ignore them," Rector put in. "Trolls are nothing more than bullies, stop paying attention to them and they tend to get bored and go away."

Ara looked at the mouse as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Please tell me you're joking. There's no way we can just sit back and let this happen."

"My good Arawolf, you should know me better than that," Rector told her. "Notice I said normally. This isn't a normal situation."

Ara saw the glint of coming explosions gleaming in Rector's eyes as she caught his drift. Rector turned to the squirrel and ottermaids standing next to him. "Question my good ladies, is 'Angry Mob Supplies' fully stocked?"

storiewriter: And here we thought you were the nice guy who was always saying to act mature and not sink to the level of the trollers.

warrior4; shrugs Hey that's all well and good and what I do advocate. But that's doesn't mean I can't find someway to find humor in this situation.

Oreramar (formerly Eruravenne); Hence, the asking about 'Angry Mob Supplies.'

warrior4; Exactly. Now less talking and more explosions. Shall we?

storiewriter; rubs her hands together excitedly (along with the other authors whose alter-egos appear in this fic) Yes, lets.

In a dark room sat a boy who although was into his late teens acted more like he had yet to enter junior high. The blinds to the windows were closed while the screaming noise that pretends to be music called alternative rock blared on a stereo that was suspiciously missing any UPC seals. The only light came from the blue glow of a computer screen to illuminate a room reeking with the odors of stale soda pop, moldy half eaten pizza crusts, clothes that hadn't seen a washing machine since last September, and other things that specially trained canines would have picked up far easier than any person would have. In short Federal hurricane disaster areas have looked better than this thing that the boy called a bedroom.

The boy in question was a rather beefy specimen. With his short cropped hair, hostile walk, and almost pug looking face he wasn't a person many messed with at his high school. But more than his appearance it was his narrow dark eyes that set him apart from others. They told others at a glance that he frankly didn't care one cent about anyone or anything other than himself or doing whatever he wanted. What made things even worse for those he intimidated was he was also quick with his tongue and sharp minded too. Regardless of the reasoning of any authority figure the boy could somehow manage to convince himself and his peers that somehow he was in the right, even when he was caught red handed. For him the rules were something to beat, something to push, something get around as much as possible. Consequences were not something he dwelled on as he did everything in his power to make sure that he was the top dog.

So when his monitor started glowing his only reaction was to stare stupidly at the screen and mutter a string of profane words the author is kind enough not to share with you as there might be underage persons reading this that don't need to read such things. With a flash of blue light the boy found himself standing on a flat plain of green grass. He began to look around when it hit.

WHAM!!

The blow hit the boy full in the face. Uttering more of his adult language he looked around for the source of the blow ready to fight anyone foolish enough to actually pick a fight with him. What he saw instead stopped him dead in his tracks.

A ferret, two squirrels one male, one female, an otter, a pine martin, and a mouse were all standing not far from the boy. What shocked him even more was that these animals were all dressed in tunics and other medieval style clothing and armed with a variety of modern and Middle Age weaponry. It was the pine martin who had hit him. Before he got over his shock she walked forward again. With a look of pure rage in her eyes she brought her knee up hard into his crotch. His eyes rolled up as he doubled over and began rolling on the ground in pain.

LittlePsychoWolf; Thank you

warrior4; You're welcome, now if you don't mind we have more troll eviscerations scheduled

"Nice hit Ara. Now I remember why it is I don't ever want to get you mad."

But Arawolf wasn't listening to Kelaiah. She had walked over to the troll and was kicking him as hard as she could. "This…kick…is…kick...for…kick…being…kick…a…kick...stupid…kick…annoying…kick…self obsessed…kick…jerk!"

It was only the combined efforts of Aelin, Kayln, and Rector that Ara was pulled off the troll. With a brand new collection of bruises forming he stood up to yell at the crew. "What the was that...wait a minute." Confusion replaced anger on his face. Taking a deep breath he planned on shouting the worse obscenity he knew as loud as he could. ""

"Now now, there's no need for language, young troll." Aelin told him as she twiddled with a few buttons on her Portable Sound Board.

This only angered the troll even more. Not that anyone was expecting anything different. "You mean you stupid kids aren't even going to let me say whatever I want? It's no wonder you're all a bunch of pathetic losers." He adopted a very mocking tone. "Wahh, mommy! They're being mean and are saying bad words. If can't help it that I'm a pathetic loser that only spends my time writing stupid stories about kiddy books and my only friends are people I haven't ever seen in my life."

"Listen to the kettle calling the pot black," Rector said. "You've probably spent as much time as any of us online writing all that spam."

Rather than humbling the troll this comment only caused him to laugh. "And you're all stupid enough to fall for it. Like you'll fall for this!" From his pocket he pulled out a can of Spam and threw it on the ground. At once a large puff of smoke appeared and suddenly the troll was joined by a twin.

Human Kel; So that's how they do it. They're literally born of Spam.

warrior4; Unfortunately. It's really too bad because I enjoy Spam every now and then. It's great fried up and on a sandwich. Now hush, you should really like this next part.

Human Kel; Does Ferret Kel get to eat something?

warrior4; Even better. A really big implement of destruction.

In a very short time the trolls had multiplied to form a sizable army. Each one was perfectly identical and armed with cans of weaponized Spam. The brave crew wasn't impressed.

"Please, spare us," Kris put in. "Is that really the best you can do? An army of clones throwing cans of Spam? You have no sense of imagination." The troll only responded with the same three insults he had been spouting since he had started his activities. Kris still wasn't impressed. "Not a very big vocabulary either." The squirrel turned to Rector. "You'd think he'd get tired of saying the same thing time after time."

"You're not the only one who can rip off The Matrix movies," Kel said defiantly. Scrolling through the "Weapons" menu he pressed the appropriate button and set his lazer down on the ground. At once it began shaking and trembling then sprouted extra parts that were twisting and whirling to connect with each other. Very soon Kelaiah had his very own walking mech robot guardian of the City of Zion dock. Clambering into the cockpit Kel manipulated the controls to make the machine guns on either arm twirl like a Western movie gunfighter as he drew his six shooters from their holster before the showdown at high noon.

warrior4; Like you're new toy?

Human Kel; mumbles something incoherent

warrior4; You're welcome.

Kayln and Aelin had set up their 'Angry Mob Supplies' store. The nice thing about that store is that is was shaped and reinforced much like a World War II pillbox. Very narrow window openings that gave an excellent field of fire. Rector and Kris were busy loading themselves up with bazookas, RPG's, Stingers, grenade launchers, and for good measure another full quiver of Patriot Arrows.

Rector's ears perked up as he heard a nearby creature humming under its breath. Looking up he saw Kayln switching her Ultimate Pocketknife into lightsaber mode and a red plasma/lazer blade shot out from the hilt. The squirrelmaid in question was grinning as she hummed "The Imperial March" to herself. On her other side Aelin had drawn her short swords from behind her back and was humming "Duel of the Fates" as she flourished her swords.

Ignoring the barbs about Star Wars nerds directed at the crew by the troll(s) Kris came to his friend's defense. "See? You lack any sort of originality. Which is why no one likes you."

Seeing that the crew wasn't impressed with his angry shouts the troll(s) launched their attack. However for all their blustering naughty language the only thing they could do was throw Spam at the crew. And thanks to the fact that this story is being written by the person it is, none of the Spam hit the brave and valiant crew.

Oreramar; Humble much?

warrior4; Shush, it's just getting good. sits down to watch the fun with a jumbo bucket of popcorn

The chain guns on Kel's mech warrior machine roared into life in the center of the fight. With a fierce grimace that would have done Rambo proud Kelaiah's chain guns blasted into the ranks of the trolls. Tracers shot into the packed ranks of trolls as the chain guns acted like a gigantic lawnmower. Wave after wave of trolls tried rushing the mech, but flying Spam cans don't really do much damage against a multi-ton weapon of futuristic warfare.

On the right flank Kris and Rector let loose with their own salvos of various explosive weaponry. Charred and blackened bodies of trolls were sent flying as explosion after explosion ripped through their numbers. When Kris added in the Chinese multiple launch arrows from the first episode the results proved highly effective. Especially when one considered that Kris had managed to come up with around two hundred of the boxes that each fired a hundred rocked propelled arrow. That's twenty thousand razor sharp arrows shooting at near the speed of sound into the packed ranks of trolls. Combined with the goodies from 'Angry Mob Supplies' the right flank of the trolls were shown precisely the meaning of the word decimation.

To the left the females were more of the up close and personal type. Singing their battle songs as loudly as they could the lightsabers of Kayln and Aelin (along with her normal twin short swords from her back scabbards) cut through the troll ranks. The remarkable thing was that the glowing plasma/laser blades left their defeated enemies looking remarkably like what the Battle Droids looked like when confronted by a Jedi lightsaber. Two halves that were cauterized and a bit melted where the lightsaber blade had cut through them.

Ara had held back before making her initial charge. The reason was that she threw every knife or small bladed implement she had at the troll army. Remarkably her aim was actually spot on for once. Every knife thrown scored a solid hit and defeated another troll clone.

LittlePsychoWolf; Wait a minute, when did Ara become good at throwing things? We've already been over the fact that she's got rather horrible aim.

warrior4; You're complaining that more troll clones are dying?

LittlePsychoWolf; Well…um…not really.

warrior4; It's just this once, next time she'll be back to her usual poor aim

LittlePsychoWolf; Oh, okay then.

Once her supply of throwing implements was exhausted Ara drew her garlic coated sword and threw herself against the foe. As had happened when she fought the cherry blossom sprites the blade caused any enemy it struck to spontaneously combust. Leaving an ever growing trail of ash in her wake Ara launched her vengeance on the trolls.

"See this is more like it," Kris shouted to the trolls. "Rather than just saying the same thing and wearing out the copy and paste function, you're treated to something that's actually interesting to read."

Over the chaos of battle Ara piped in. "You want interesting? I'll give you interesting." Putting two claws to her muzzle she blew a long loud whistle. Instantly a giant ravenous demonic squid-god began an assault on the rear of the troll ranks. The crunch of trolls as huge tentacles laid waste to them was music to the martin's ears. She was grinning ear to ear when she called out to her pet. "Good boy Cthulhu."

By this time Rector had drawn his sword and was also fighting face to face. His supply of explosives having dwindled and he was too impatient to go back to the store for more. "Two can play at that game Ara."

Reaching into his waist pouch he took out his headset from the show. Grinning with demonic delight he pressed the red button.

"!!YAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

The bloodcurdling warcry of Bloodwrath Berserker Beast Go Steve was clearly audible across the entire battlefield. Rather than using a weapon B.B.B.G. Steve just grabbed a troll clone in each massive paw and used them as flails against the army of troll clones before him. In short order the two clones in his paws were reduced to a limp and dripping slimy red thing. So of course Steve dropped them and grabbed two more.

"Hope we're not too late."

The crew members turned their heads to see Kit and Minty rushing forward armed with long double forked spears and pulling what looked like a large fish tank covered in a large red cloth.

From his mech Kel pressed the button that reloaded his chain guns. "Of course not. Have at it with a will!" The chain guns reloaded and roared back to life.

Behind him Kit and Minty took the cloth off the fish tank to reveal hundreds of the Mini-Deepcoilers that so vigorously defended the OFUR. Tipping the tank on its side the Mini's launched their attacks against the trolls with a disturbing vengeance that warmed the hearts of alter egos.

Tapping their spears against each other Kit and Minty waded into the fray. Now if you have ever taken the time to read of the exploits of the OFUR you might remember these spears. The Long Patrol wielded them when the students first arrived. They acted somewhat like tazers that day. That was them on their "low power" setting. This time on their "never-for-the-love-of-all-that-is-good-and-right-in-the-world-put-these-things-up-this-high" setting they were truly impressive. Each time they were used against a troll clone electricity hot enough to rival the surface of the sun arced not just to one clone, but shot to the clones near it in a way very reminiscent of the final scene from "Indian Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark." And just like the Nazis in that movie the troll clones either burst into flame or simply melted as the energy passed through their bodies.

After the crew members had finally had their fill of destroying troll clones (which took a VERY long time let me tell you) the only troll left alive was the original troll himself. Instead of being the cocky swaggering jerk he had first been he was now crying and sobbing like a three year old child. As various monsters, Redwall alter ego animals, and weaponry pointed at him he couldn't do much that soil his pants and cry even louder.

"So what are we going to do with him?" Kit asked.

Minty raised a huge claw. "Hang, draw and quarter him?"

Ara scoffed. "That would be an insult to the ropes we'd have to use."

"He can't stay here, we need to get rid of him," said Aelin as she wiped the battle gore from her swords on the trolls shirt.

"Hey I've got an idea." Rector perked up as he used the troll's hair to clean his paws.

In very short order a large catapult was constructed and the troll loaded in to the basket. He was still crying and had soiled himself several more times by now. Eight sets of paws gripped the release lever and pulled. The long arm of the catapult shot forward sending the troll on a one way trip over the horizon to parts unknown.

"Good riddance," Kayln called out to the rapidly disappearing figure. "Please forget to write."

Kelaiah got down from his battle mech and with a button press the mech re-transformed itself into his lazer. A few swift clicks and the battlefield was cleaned of the debris of war. The victorious crew members all walked back to the Green Room for a celebratory feast of any kind of junk food they could possibly want.

The party was in full swing when a glaringly pink and black thing launched into the room and tackled Kelaiah. "Oh my poor sweet Kel-Kel. Did you get hurt? I've been so worried about you."

The orc was back and let me tell you a pink satin dress dose not look good on an orc.

Kelaiah was scrambling trying to find his lazer. "Get off me! You…you…thing!"

Rather than being insulted the orc just squeezed Kel harder. "Oh you know how to say the nicest things. You're such a sweet cute little thing too," the orc cooed into Kel's ear as she rubbed his headfur.

Kel was only able to produce and undignified squawk because of the pressure on his chest. Finally he got a hold of his lazer and franticly began pressing a few buttons. A large ACME rocket suddenly shot through the door and roared right at the orc. In a flash the orc was off Kel and riding the rocket as it flew out the window and high into the sky. With one last ding and sparkle of light it was lost to view.

"Why me?" Kel asked himself as he sat back down at the table.

"Don't worry King Kelly," Kayln said as she clapped a paw across the ferrets back. "I'm sure we've seen the last of that thing."

"King Kelly?" the ferret perked up a bit. "I don't know if I like the sound of that."

Aelin's grin blossomed. "We could always call you Kel-Kel."

Shaking his head Kel just buried his face in his hands as he tried to forget his embarrassment.

"Don't worry about it buddy. Here have a drink." Rector offered the ferret a cup.

In his shame Kel didn't look at the drink before he downed it like a shot. He really shouldn't have done that. The laughter of the crew members rang out long and loud as Rector's "Wake Up Juice" produced the same results it had, last time Kel had drank it.

Human Kel; Are you quite done?

warrior4; I think so

Human Kel; And the orc?

warrior4; It's probably gone.

Human Kel; So we can get back to business as usual and deal with Sues rather than trolls now?

warrior4; Sure why not

Human and Ferret Kel; give relieved sighs

A/N; Okay now for disclaimers. I do not own the following. The Otherpath Theory is property of Oreramar. Likewise she and storiewriter also own the 'Angry Mob Supplies' store. OFUR, Mini Deepcoilers, and the tazer spears are property of Laburnum Steelfang and kitsune106d. The demonic squid thing was the idea of LittlePsychoWolf but neither she nor I own whatever that thing came from. Any movie references are also not owned by yours truly. I also don't own any part of the "Harry Potter" universe, or Strong Bad. Spam is of course the property of the Hormel Company. If I've repeated anything from previous chapters and had a disclaimer for those, then they still apply as well.

So I hope you had fun. However I must add that in all actuality it's much better just to ignore trollers and spammers. They're nothing but immature bullies looking for attention. Take that away from them and they'll get bored and leave.