A/N: I would like to point out that I don't think Amanda was being immature in the last chapter...overly emotional, yes, but not childish. Emotionalism does not always equal immaturity. This is how I would expect an emotional human to react when told to either give up or take the chance of their child dying. She did not make the right decision by becoming angry and slapping Sarek, but I still do not think she was "immature". I suggest that everyone read VickyFromGreece's review because it was spot-on about this subject.
I would also like to point out the TOS episode, "Journey to Babel" which in part inspired this story arc. If you will recall, Spock refused to save Sarek's life because he had other duties and it was the logical choice. Amanda yelled at him- cried- and even slapped him. I do not see how that is any different from what happened in the last chapter, the only difference being that the roles of father and son are reversed. I maintain the belief that this is how she would react to Sarek's ultimatum.
Anywho...many more thanks to LadyFangs, who wrote the dream in this chapter, and to all of my readers and reviewers. Sorry this took a while.
Chapter 3: Contention
Amanda wiped furiously at the tears on her cheeks as she swept down the hallway, the sounds of her bare feet striking the cold marble floor echoing against the walls.
How dare he demand that she either risk their child's life or give up completely? Even though he knew how much it meant to her- even though he knew how dangerous that procedure was- he refused to let her make her own decision. He'd told her only a week ago that it was her decision to make. He'd promised her his support...but he'd now withdrawn it. That hurt her more than anything else he'd said.
She was fully aware of the potential for complications. But there was no guarantee there would be any. T'Para had said it was possible but even she wasn't sure about that- it had never been attempted before. There was every reason to hope the pregnancy would occur without incident. Sarek had asked her to take a chance with the first option- yet he himself wouldn't take a chance with the second.
Amanda slowed down, wiping away the tears once more as she leaned against a wall. She closed her eyes to give her whirling mind a chance to calm down and collect her thoughts.
She was hurt. She was angry. How could he treat the child they wanted to create like it wasn't worth the try? How could he be willing to condemn it to possible death, seemingly without a second thought? Even the thought of his words made her fists clench again, nails biting into her palms. It was either succumb to his wishes or give up. And she refused to put an infant through all that...which left only one option. And that option left her feeling...empty.
"Lady Amanda?"
She looked up and saw T'Shan standing at the end of the corridor, looking at her with eyebrows furrowed.
"T'Shan," she said, her voice hoarse as she straightened from the wall. "Would you please ready a room for me tonight?"
The Vulcan appeared taken aback. She stiffened and her eyebrows drew even closer together.
"You are not staying with osu Sarek?"
"No," she replied flatly, lips pressing tightly together as a fresh wave of anger rolled over her. "I'm not."
The Vulcan regarded her silently for a moment before nodding once.
"I will prepare a chamber for you." She paused, hesitating before continuing. "Lady Amanda...may I inquire about the source of this request?"
"We came to Vulcan to check into the possibility of starting a family," Amanda replied bitterly. "The options were less than satisfactory and he disagreed with my decision. To make a long story short- it doesn't look like we're starting a family any time soon."
T'Shan lowered her gaze. "I see."
"Don't, T'Shan," Amanda said warningly, once more brushing her hands over her cheeks to wipe away the moisture. "Just leave it alone."
"Perhaps he requires guidance," T'Shan said. Amanda shook her head.
"No. I don't think even you can change his mind on this."
His decision was final. She knew that...and at the moment she resented him for it. He hadn't even given her a chance to decide for herself...it was either his way or no way. The thought made her nails dig even deeper into her palms as her fists tightened.
"I will ready a room for you now," T'Shan said quietly before leaving her alone. Amanda slumped against the wall again, arms hugged around herself.
Right now she needed her space from him. She had absolutely no desire to see him at all- and didn't know when she would again. He'd hurt her- broken her heart. Shattered her hopes. There was nothing left now but emptiness and despair.
The child she'd wanted- for him as well as herself- would never be.
Sarek wasn't sure how long he stared at the door after she left. He was dully aware of the stinging on his left cheek and he raised a hand to touch the spot, eyebrows drawing together.
Amanda had hit him. The stinging itself did not bother him- but the simple fact that she'd done such a thing did. She'd slapped him before, but it had been necessary then. He would have died otherwise. This was different. She intentionally tried to hurt him. To Vulcans, the hands were the most intimate parts of their body; they were the main receptors for telepathic connections. Her striking him across the face was far more emotionally hurtful than the accusatory words she'd thrown at him.
She seemed to be under the impression he did not care if the child survived the procedure. She was mistaken. He did care...but there was no need to take a double risk. It was not logical to endanger them both. If the first procedure were to fail, they could try again. But if the second were to fail...it was something he could not even bear to confront.
He didn't understand her reaction. He was only concerned about her- and there was a perfectly viable opportunity for her to remain safe while still achieving their goal of starting a family. He disliked the first option as much as she did, and he knew it was dangerous for the infant. The thought of engaging in an artificial process was disquieting. But why should she discount it and insist on carrying the child throughout the duration of the pregnancy? Why risk herself when there was an alternative solution?
Continuing to stare at the door, he debated following her- to try to understand why she was so insistent on her course of action. Why was she so angry at him for caring about her health? Why had she attempted to hurt him?
He only wanted what was best for her. Why was she so adamant that he was wrong for his refusal to assist her in this madness? How could he approve of her enduring a high-risk pregnancy? If he lost her...
Sarek repressed a shudder. He couldn't even allow himself to consider it. He'd almost lost her once after the Time. He tried not to dwell on those dark hours but now they came floating back into his conscience. He had no desire to revisit such a dreaded possibility. He simply could not allow her to take that path.
He sat down on the edge of the bed, forearms resting on his knees as he leaned forward. He would not waver from his position. It was she who was being irrational, not him. There was no need for her to take such a risk- therefore he would not give in to her illogical wishes.
"Lady Amanda, I must speak with you," T'Shan said with a slight urgency in her tone. Amanda glanced up from her PADD at the Vulcan who stood in the doorway.
"What about?" she asked.
"I am sure you already know," the Vulcan replied.
She sighed and set down the PADD, rubbing at her eyes with the heels of her hands. "I assume you want to talk about Sarek."
"Precisely."
Amanda looked up at the woman standing across the room. "This is a private issue," she said.
"As you have ordered me not to speak to him about it, I must instead entreat you to listen to me."
"It doesn't concern you," Amanda replied tiredly. "I shouldn't have told you anything."
"On the contrary, I believe it does concern me."
They locked eyes. It was not unusual for T'Shan to intervene when she and Sarek had disagreements...she had become a mutual friend of theirs and she often took it upon herself to ensure the household was at peace. More than once she'd had to talk reason into both of them, and it usually worked. Amanda had learned to look up to the Vulcan woman before her...but this was one situation she knew T'Shan could not fix.
It had been a week since their return from Vulcan- and a week since she'd said so much as a word to Sarek. She had not returned to their bedchamber on the night of the argument, and the next day they had left for Earth. The transport ride had been heavy with silence, the air thick with tension as they'd both tried to ignore it by reading their PADDs.
And then she'd spent the last week avoiding him. Her schedule made it only too easy, the only issue being that of their sleeping quarters. After the first night spent away from him on Vulcan, she'd decided that she would not be the one to give up the bedchamber. Because of this, on their first night back on Earth Sarek did not come to bed...nor had he on any of the following nights. She didn't know where he slept- or if he'd gotten any rest at all.
It was not a comfortable situation...but at the moment she had nothing to say to him. And since he had not sought her out to attempt to speak to her, she assumed he didn't either.
"Then what do you have to say?" Amanda finally asked, deciding it was best to humor the Vulcan. T'Shan moved further into the room and walked around the desk so she stood only a few feet away.
"This is illogical. Avoiding him will not absolve your issues. A compromise can only be reached through discussion. You are only making this a longer, more difficult process than it has to be. You cannot avoid him forever and it would be wise to end the stalemate now, before irreparable damage is done. Perhaps you should consider the procedure in which the child is gestated in a laboratory."
"No." Amanda's voice was flat and absolute. "I can't do that. T'Para herself said it's highly dangerous."
"Then if he cannot change his decision and you cannot change yours, it would be best to make your peace and be done with it."
"At the moment I don't really want to see him." She turned back to her desk. The truth was, her anger had fizzled out days before...but her resentment of the fact that he wouldn't allow her to make her own choice made her reluctant to confront him.
T'Shan was watching her closely. Amanda looked up at her and sighed.
"You don't understand, T'Shan. I really wanted this, and he has pretty much banned it by removing the only option I would consider. After the miscarriage we were both..." Amanda trailed off, silent for a moment before changing direction. "It doesn't matter now though, does it? He's resolved- and I'm resolved. It's a no-win scenario for us both. So I guess I'll just have to live with that."
Her voice was firm when she spoke the words, but she still felt empty inside when she thought about it. The anger was gone, but so was the hope that had filled her- hope at ever having a family. A baby. Her will to fight had disappeared.
"Then why not go to him?" T'Shan persisted. Amanda sighed again and opened a desk drawer to put away her PADDs.
"I'll do it in my own time."
"Lady Amanda...has it not occurred to you that he is only concerned for your welfare?" T'Shan asked. "That he wants you to have a child through the least dangerous means because he cares about you?"
"He should care about our baby going through a risky procedure too," Amanda pointed out.
"What has made you think he does not?" the Vulcan asked, eyebrows furrowed.
"The method I wanted to go along with was far safer for the baby. If he wanted it as much as I do then he would allow it."
"This does not indicate the level of concern he has for the child. I am certain he wants it as much as you do...but it is not logical to risk both of you." T'Shan paused to regard Amanda, who looked back at her steadily. "You do not understand...Vulcan males place high importance on their bond mates, perhaps even higher than that of their family members or even their offspring. I am sure you know why- without a mate they perish in their Time. This is a matter of survival as much for him as it is for you. He may not even be aware that this is his motivation- but it is his natural instinct to protect you from harm in any situation. He will inevitably put your health before the child's, no matter how important the child is to him. This is a harsh fact, but it is true. It is the Vulcan way."
There was a silence between them, during which Amanda looked down at her desk. She already knew Sarek was only worried about her...she'd known that since the night of their argument. But that didn't change the fact that he was preventing her from trying for the only thing she'd ever truly wanted...
"Thank you, T'Shan. But this isn't going to help me," Amanda said quietly.
T'Shan gave her one last long look, before shaking her head and turning away.
"He is trying to secure your safety, perhaps selfishly so. But you are insisting on a course of action that could result in his losing both you and his child- and you have not even considered how he may react to such an event. He is not the only one being selfish." Her tone carried a note of frustration as she made her way to the door.
Amanda watched as the Vulcan left. Long after she was gone, she still sat rooted to her seat.
And now she felt deeply ashamed.
T'Shan was right...she was being just as selfish as he, if not more so. She hadn't even really considered him in her decision- simply thinking about herself and the baby. But if something happened to her it would affect him more than anybody else. In retrospect, he should have been her very first consideration...
But she'd been centered on one thought and one thought only: bringing a child into the world. Nothing else had mattered- she would even take the chance on having a complicated pregnancy. What had started out as a desire had warped into an obsession, and she'd become desperate. She'd been selfish in her desires.
Amanda thought back to her outburst of the week before...she shouldn't have gotten so angry. He had only tried to intervene in what he saw as a dangerous decision.
But instead of accepting this fact and discussing it like an adult, she'd slapped him. The memory of that slap- which had been so harsh, so uncalled-for- made her feel worse. What must he think of the fact that she had struck him? She'd thought about it often over the last week...but the guilt had never been so poignant before.
And while she still wanted to go through with the pregnancy, she now had a much fuller understanding of his motivations. And in hindsight, if she were him she would have intervened too. He had every right to.
She regretted it...but she still could not gather enough resolve to go to him to apologize- to try to make amends. Was she just afraid?
Amanda sighed, rubbing her temples. She couldn't make any sense out of this...not tonight. She'd had a long day and was exhausted. Maybe tomorrow...maybe then she could finally find the strength to confront him and try to make things right. Even if she couldn't get him to change his mind- even if she couldn't get what she wanted...there was no reason to let this continue. She didn't want it to, and she doubted he did either.
Standing from her chair, she put away the last of her PADDs before heading up to bed alone.
His office was silent except for the gentle hum of the computer console. Sarek stared at the screen unseeingly, his fingers steepled before him.
She had never been so angry at him for so long. Their previous record had been one day and thirteen hours before their issue was finally resolved. But now...a week had passed. And she still avoided him- ignoring his presence when they did encounter one another.
This last week had been even more difficult than the transport ride from Vulcan, which had been uncomfortable enough. She worked during the days and took her meals by herself in the kitchen instead of with him as she usually did. After her evening classes she went straight to bed, while he was still working in his office.
They still shared their bedchamber, but he had rarely been there. He preferred to meditate rather than sleep. The moments he did come in, the divan served as his place of rest. And he always rose and left before she did. Perhaps it would be better to have separate sleeping quarters at the moment, due to the tension between them, but she had not requested such an arrangement and neither would he.
And now it was once more Sunday. She'd spent her weekend elsewhere in the mansion, a fact which saddened him even more than her absence during the week. Normally this was their time. He always looked forward to the weekends.
But she was obviously not over her emotionalism...and until she was, he saw no reason to seek her out. He was very aware of how she was in such situations- it was impossible to reason with her. It would be better to wait for her to come to him when she was ready. She would eventually reconcile herself to his decision and if she truly wanted a child she would opt for the method he had suggested.
Pulling himself out of his thoughts, Sarek reached for one of his styluses to begin work on a report. Now was not the time to concern himself with his marital issues- no matter how dire they currently were.
He had been working for nearly ten minutes when the door to his office chimed. Slightly annoyed- as everyone knew not to disturb him while he was working- he called for the person to come in. When T'Shan entered he was not surprised.
"Osu Sarek, I believe this has gone on long enough," she said sternly as she stood before his desk. His eyebrows rose as he looked up at her.
Over the last week, she had come to him often. She'd never said what her intentions were outright, but he knew she was trying to restore peace between him and Amanda. Usually when she came she was subtle about it; gently prodding and slipping him unnecessary advice in her quiet, reserved manner. But no more. Her calm demeanor had changed into one of determination and agitation. Her lips were pressed tightly together, eyes dark and narrowed as she looked down upon him.
Apparently, she had reached her limit.
"Clarify yourself," Sarek responded, setting the PADD aside.
"You know there is no need for me to clarify. I do not understand why you are both so determined to avoid the issue," T'Shan said. He was interested to see a faint flicker of emotion across her features. He had never seen her so irritated. "I have just come from Lady Amanda. I believe that if you would speak to her she would be better informed as to your reasons for refusing participation. I will no longer stand idly by and make covert attempts to reconcile the situation. It apparently warrants stronger interference. You have both behaved in an illogical manner."
"I have not," Sarek said coolly. "There is no logic in her risking herself."
"She is human," T'Shan shot at him. "There will be no logic in her decision, Sarek. Perhaps you should respect her choice no matter how much you disagree with it. If she enters into the situation with full knowledge and understanding of the dangers, then there is no reason to hold her back other than your own personal misgivings."
"You believe her to be correct in her decision?" he asked, standing and moving to the window, folding his arms over his chest as he looked out at the dark night beyond.
"I believe you both to be correct and yet in error," T'Shan replied curtly. "Neither is more right than the other. This is why you must discuss it yourselves- which you refuse to do. You will not even consider the possibility that she desires the correct path."
"How is it correct when she may die?" he asked coldly.
"How is it incorrect when both she and your child may live?" T'Shan countered. He said nothing to this, continuing to stare out the window.
T'Shan continued, her voice lowered.
"Perhaps you should consider her reasoning instead of your own. I am no judge of who is right and who is wrong in this situation, Sarek. I leave you to dwell on that."
He looked back just in time to see her exit the office. As the door slid shut behind her, silence fell. He turned back to the window and stood there for a long time, T'Shan's words ringing in his mind...
Should he allow Amanda to make that decision? The decision to endanger herself for their child's sake? He could see no reason for it. True, it was what she wanted...but what if she did not make it? The thought was as unbearable now as it had been a week ago.
Yet with a twinge of guilt he recalled that he'd told her he would support whatever decision she made. He had gone back on that promise. Faced with the reality of the situation, he had forgotten it. She was aware of the risks, he knew that...and she was equipped with the knowledge to make an informed decision. But he had rejected her choice. He had acted just as illogically as she had. T'Shan was right about that much.
But he still could not quite bring himself to accept the decision. He knew how much she wanted a child. He knew he had no reason to object other than his fear of losing her. He also knew that there was a chance she wouldn't have complications. And yet the probability of that was so low he could not reconcile himself to it, no matter how hard he tried...
Feeling heavy from the turmoil within him, Sarek turned toward the door. He could ponder this no longer. He must rest...and then he must report to the embassy the next day. As for Amanda...he did not know what he would do. But he was quickly tiring of this situation- of her silence and the tension between them.
He went upstairs and down the hallway toward their bedchamber. He slipped in quietly, removing his boots and tunic in silence while preparing for his usual two hours of rest.
***
As he slid into bed, his eyes took in her sleeping form. The sheets clung to her frame, outlining the sensual curves of her body. She was on her side, her back to him, her head resting on one arm while the other was tucked against her body. Her breathing was deep and even, her face peaceful...he raised one hand to move a tendril of hair that had fallen in front of her face. As he swept her hair back, his hand grazed her cheek and she stirred, turning just a bit- and at that moment her face was illuminated before him, bathed softly in the moonlight streaming through the window.
He felt his throat catch as he gazed upon the sleeping visage of she who was his wife. She truly was beautiful.
And it occurred to Sarek just then how much he missed her, and he felt an intense longing for everything to be well again. He wanted her to smile at him- to kiss him. He wanted to feel her cool skin against his...
Her eyelashes fluttered, and he froze for a moment at the thought she would wake up. Would she ask him to leave? Would she finally speak to him? Yell at him again?
But soon it became apparent she was still deeply asleep, only entering another stage of slumber. He recalled that this was the stage in which humans experienced dreams. Vulcans did not dream...he wondered what it would be like.
He settled back beside her, closing his eyes for his own rest. And as he entered his own stage of deep slumber, he did not notice that his wife had shifted closer to him so that their bodies touched...
He stood on the balcony of their home, Vulcan's forge stretching wide and vast before him. He was anxious and nervous as he waited...though he remained outwardly calm, inside he was tense...
Suddenly a sound broke through the stillness of the day- jarring his thoughts and causing him to move quickly back inside...into the great hall and up the stairs as the sound grew stronger and closer still...
Soon he found himself at the foot of his bed- their bed...his wife in front of him holding something in her arms... He paused. Felt himself hesitate- afraid to get too close...
She turned to him, her face radiant though tired. But she smiled and summoned him closer. "Sarek...here..."
He tentatively stepped closer to where she lay- and gazed down at her lovely face, worn with the stress her body had just endured. Suddenly, the bundle in her arms began to move, the blankets surrounding it shifting...
And then he heard the sound that had brought him here.
It was high-pitched and strong...the blankets moving furiously now as its contents struggled to be seen...
"Sarek...look."
She extended the bundle out to him and he took it hesitantly, raising one hand to remove the covering. What he saw rocked his very soul as he found himself staring into the eyes of his wife on the face of a tiny, squealing infant with perfectly pointed ears...
Sarek's eyes flew open, though he remained perfectly still. Amanda did not even stir...she had been unaware of his presence in her mind. He stared down at her, the image that he'd just seen burned into his mind's eye...perhaps forever. He knew what he had seen...it was what she wanted more than anything. A child. Their child, that resembled him yet had her eyes...
And suddenly, he wanted it as much as she did. The yearning was almost painful- piercing through his soul to the very core of his being. He now understood why she was willing to brave complications to have such a child- to give it every possible chance to live. He knew how much she desired it because he now felt that desire himself. He'd thought he wanted it before...but that was nothing compared to this. It was almost agony, this desire.
And despite his previous misgivings, he felt a crest of hope rising with him. Engulfing him, rising him upward...upward to the highest climes. He wanted this child he saw in her dreams. He wanted his wife to give it to him and for him to give it to her...
Rising onto his side, he moved to brush his fingers against her cheek. He leaned down closer to her face and whispered in her ear, "Adun'a...I understand now."
And he did. He understood that this child- this being, this life- was worth the risk. She knew this. She'd known it all along- had tried to tell him. But this was not something that could be explained. It must be felt.
She wanted to do this- for him. She wanted to give him this child...it was not only for herself. He knew this from the dream- it was more of a feeling than a thought, but he'd caught it. The child he'd seen was theirs. This revelation made him ache to speak to her- to kiss her. Instead, he drew her against him and buried his face in her hair.
He did not know how long he lay there with her in his arms. He was waiting for her to wake so he could tell her...hope and promise still welling up within him. There was a chance. They had a chance. There would be risks...but the child was likely to live. So was she. How could he have thought otherwise, even for a moment?
"Sarek?" Her voice sounded groggy, still half-asleep. He looked down at her. He could feel her confusion from the skin contact.
"Yes, Amanda?" he asked.
"Why are you here?" she asked. She did not ask it as if she wanted him gone- but as if she were truly curious.
"I have had a revelation, ashayam," he said, using the name he so rarely used for her. A small smile appeared on her lips at this.
"What revelation?"
He was relieved that she was not asking him to leave. This meant she was no longer angry with him... He slid down so they were face-to-face and cupped her cheek with one hand.
"One of hope," he finally said, and kissed her. Although he did not say the words, she understood.
"You mean...we're going through with it?" she asked as he pulled away. He pressed his forehead against hers.
"Yes," he whispered. Tears welled up in her eyes and she pulled him closer, kissing him.
"Thank you," she whispered back, her arms tight around him as she kissed him yet again.
"I did say I would support your decision," he said quietly, gathering her even closer to him as they settled back down to resume their slumber.