Chapter 3
Brennan sat in her office, typing up her preliminary report for Booth while waiting for the skeleton and other trace evidence to arrive. She thought about the various subjects that had come up during their drive to and from the crime scene, especially that drive back. Booth's sudden desire to talk about marriage and children baffled her. Still, she still felt the same as she did as when she first met him. Although, the magnitude was different now, if before she was vehemently against marriage and children, bur now, given the right circumstances, she would not be that adverse to those two occurrences.
But the strange thing was that she was considering them with Booth in mind, of all people. She thought that maybe she was just being distracted and was letting her mind wander. She sometimes had some of these fantasies when her mind was left to its own devices. But right now, when there was a lull in the case, she was waiting for the body to come in, she indulged a little bit in her idyllic musings. She thought how the two of them would be together. She surmised, surprised a bit for it to be that way, it wouldn't be all that different from what she had now. It would probably be merely an extension of her current partnership with Booth. It was just in addition to that, there would be more physical intimacy. And there would be a deeper connection between than the one that they already had, deep as it already was.
She indulged in these flights of fancy so rarely in her life, knowing it was irrational to do so. However, she was human, as Booth had always said. And she hadn't started daydreaming until only a few times recently in the past few years. Still she could count the number of times that she had done it on one hand. That was how seldom she engaged these kinds of trivial pursuits. However, there were times that her mind did wander and this was one of those times. She could not fathom how Booth had always been in her sojourns into fantasy land. But if she analyzed it, she could see why. Booth had become a big part of her life. It was so big that she couldn't ever imagine how she could go back to the way things were, when she was just a forensic anthropologist dusting bones and identifying bodies ravaged by war or some other disaster.
It did fulfill her to a certain extent, of course. She loved giving the dead names and lending them a voice so that their loved ones can gain comfort and closure. But it wasn't until she was partnered with Booth and started solving crimes that she felt a fulfillment that she had never experienced before. It made her feel content that she was bringing justice to those that deserved it and helping families regain their lives. However, that wasn't all. It was more than helping families and catching criminals. It was more than about getting out of the lab and going out into the field. It was about Booth.
She could admit, in the deep recesses of her mind, that she cared about Booth, more than anyone else she had cared for in her life, even her dad and her brother. They had, until recently, been missing in her life for a long time. Add that to the fact that it was Booth who helped her find her family and she could understand with great clarity the feelings that she had for him. It was a gradual development. It wasn't some kind of moment where she just knew that there relationship had changed. Through time, it had become more than a partnership. It had evolved into something else altogether entirely, but she wasn't quite sure what it exactly was.
She didn't even understand her own feelings. She wasn't well versed in the science of human relationships, but even she could acknowledge that her feelings for Booth weren't completely of the friendship cum partnership variety. It was something more, but she couldn't put her finger on what exactly it was. What was he exactly to her? He wasn't merely a friend; that much she knew. But she wasn't in a relationship within, at least not the intimate kind. And yet what they do together were things that she had never done with anyone before. They talked about their lives, about family, mostly hers though, and they talked about a lot of other things.
With her lovers in the past, she hadn't talked to them much. She rationalized it as merely fulfilling her biological needs and had, therefore, eliminated the emotion behind the act. It wasn't merely some defense mechanism to keep others away, although it was partly that. It was also because she had made a conscious decision not to. She didn't want to get emotionally involved, for one reason or another, to those that she had slept with in the past, even Sully. Although in Sully's case, she was very close to doing a turnaround on her decision. But at the last minute, when he had asked her to go away with him on his sailing trip, she had decided not to. She had let him sail away on his boat and she had never looked back since then.
Now, this was different. Very much so in that this was something completely new, an experience that she had not felt yet in her very well-lived life. What's more is that her sources of information on this matter were pretty much dry save for Angela, to which she usually turned to when it came to these kinds of things. And she couldn't turn to her other confidante, Booth, for the most obvious of reasons; he was the subject of concern for her.
So that left Angela. Brennan was planning to tell her sometime later, maybe an hour before lunch. She figured Booth would ask her to lunch, so that time was out and the morning was slow anyway. It seemed like the transport to the Jeffersonian containing the bones and other pertinent evidence was the only thing that she had in her workload today.
After she had completed the preliminary report and printed it out, she completed some paperwork that was lying on her desk when she came in. After completing those errant forms, she glanced at her watch and it signaled her that it was time for her talk with Angela. She stood up and smoothened her knee-length brown skirt and adjusted her dark grey jacket that was draped over her crimson blouse. She headed out of her office with her black boots' heels emitting a 'clacking' sound over the linoleum floor of the Jeffersonian. She approached Angela's office and knocked on the door.
A faint voice from inside the room, beyond the glass door, told her to come in. She pushed in the cool glass door and as she headed inside, she saw Angela working on some kind of sketch on her desk. She seemed a little off-put though, as if something wasn't right. She was staring at the small sketch pad on top of her desk, her back turned, seemingly oblivious to the world while she continued to scrutinize the small pad. Brennan almost didn't want to interrupt Angela, especially since she hated being interrupted herself in anything that she was doing. However right now, it was important and she couldn't put it off until later, especially with Booth coming over in a little less than an hour.
So Brennan tried to catch Angela's attention using the old tried and trued method, clearing her throat. However, this produced no effect whatsoever and Angela continued to be oblivious to her environment. And so instead of the tried and true method of clearing her throat louder, she opted for a different approach, tapping her on the shoulder. This prompted Angela to jump from her chair a bit in surprise and utter a yelp of surprise.
"Sweetie, don't scare me like that, it's not good for my nerves." Angela stated after she got over her initial bout of surprise. She closed her sketch pad and tucked her pencil into the spine of the pad and turned to face Brennan. "Now, what's the problem?" Brennan didn't know exactly how Angela knew she had a problem, but she wouldn't let Angela know immediately that she did.
"What makes you say I have a problem?" She crossed her arms and looked at Angela with a passive look on her face. With anyone else, that look would have told them that they were crazy into thinking that Brennan might have had a problem. But Angela knew Brennan too well. Angela had known her for years and was her best friend and she could tell that her defensiveness gave her away. "You have a problem," she stated matter-of-factly and Brennan knew that she couldn't succeed in fooling Angela, at least not for long; she never had been able to. So she uncrossed her arms and sighed.
"It's about Booth," Brennan began. Angela looked intrigued, but gave no outward reaction save for the nod of her head indicating she should continue. But she could see the sparkle of excitement in Angela's eyes. She started to speak, but stopped again, seemingly unsure on how to begin or even what to say. "Throughout my entire partnership with Booth, I have always felt that he was my friend, a close friend. Now, I don't know." Angela's face had a worried look upon hearing those words. Angela touched her arm reassuringly, "Did Booth do something to you? Did he hurt you in anyway?"
"No, no. It's just that… I've always felt that our partnership wasn't the most conventional. It was unique, in a good way, of course." She fidgeted, pulling her fingers, exuding a sense of nervousness that was quite unusual for her. "I think… that I care for Booth, more than how someone would feel for their partner." Angela smiled at her words and rubbed her hands up and down Brennan's arm. "Sweetie, you're in love with him, that's perfectly natural. He's a good guy, he cares for his son, and he helped you get your father and brother back. He cares for you, that much is obvious. Not to mention the fact that he's totally hot." She smiled at Angela's last statement, but felt her rationality flaring up at the word "love".
"I don't 'love' him. Love is an irrational emotion that makes people do irrational things and I am not an irrational person. But I do admit that I care for him more than usual. I am not as naïve about emotions and people as most others think." Angela shook her head, but for what reason she could not discern. "I know, Bren. At least you've admitted that you care for him more than usual, that's a good first step. And you've improved so much from since when you met Booth. Still, when it comes to matters of the heart, you're no Einstein. You're more like, the tortoise in 'The Tortoise and the Hare' when it comes to these kinds of things."
"What is the relevance of a mammal and a reptile to what we're talking about?" Brennan had that confused look again on her face, why couldn't everyone talk like normal people and not with those weird pop-culture references that she usually didn't understand? Angela shook her head, "Never mind. The point is that you're getting there, even if it's at a slow pace. But we haven't gotten to your problem yet have we? So tell me, what's this problem all about?" Brennan breathed in slightly and looked quite tentative, a far cry from her usual confident and self-assured self. "My problem is what to do about it?" Angela looked surprised by her problem, as if it shouldn't have even been a problem.
"Sweetie, what do you mean what should you do about it?" Angela crossed her arms and looked pointedly at her, her eyes narrowing into tiny slits. "What do you think, you should do about it?" Brennan sat down on one of the chairs near Angela's desk and rested her hands on her lap. "I don't know. I'm confused. For one thing, I don't even know what he means to me. He's more than friend, but we're not intimate or involved with each other. In fact, we can't. There's always been this unspoken line between Booth and me, where we can't be involved with each other because of the various dangers that we are exposed to working."
Angela gave her a look, a look that subtly stated, 'what are you talking about?' "Bren, it doesn't matter whether you have line or a fifty-foot wall standing between you and Booth. You're still going to like him, heck even more than like him as you say." Brennan was about to reply to her remark when Angela cut her off, "Don't even bother denying it, honey. We're way past that stage now." With that, Brennan gave no verbal acknowledgement but nodded her assent for Angela to continue. "The problem here is that you love Booth. You love him more than you have loved anyone else in your life, except maybe your family." Brennan listened intently, with her eyes shimmering with unspoken emotion.
"And that scares you. Not because he might walk away from you, because he's proven time and time again that he wouldn't. Not because there's this line that you and Booth made up, because you guys have already crossed it, with all your hugs and subtle gestures. It's not even because you think love is irrational because if it were you would know that a lot less people would be in love because, contrary to your opinion, there are a lot of sensible, rational people out there." Angela was almost out of breath trying to explain the complexity of Brennan's emotions for Booth. But she hadn't yet gotten to the point that she wanted to drive at Brennan.
"He scares you because, for the first time in your life, you realized that your emotions have undermined your rationality and better judgment, that love has overridden your faculties and that is why your mind is running scared, because for the first time in your life, you allowed yourself to become human." Why was the truth so hard to hear, especially from other people, Brennan wondered. Her life was so easy before Booth, before he somehow, someway, despite all she had said and knew about the incompatibilities and differences between them, wheedled his way into heart, one that she didn't even knew she still had.
She was content, she got to examine Bones, giving the dead their names and identities back. She traveled to far-flung and exotic places where she also identified Bones, but she had enjoyed it. She had bestsellers in the New York Times and USA Today. She was relatively well-off, self-sufficient, independent and most of all, she had managed to lock her emotions inside a box, one that she had thought that she had tossed down the bottomless pit in her mind. But when she met Booth, he had managed to catch that box and open it little by little; exposing her emotions and making her feel vulnerable. She constantly talked about rationality and science. But in truth, it was merely a way for her to detach from the world so she wouldn't get hurt again. Angela was right when she said that Booth proved that he would never leave her, at least not willingly. But the abandonment by her parents did influence her decision to cut herself from the rest of the world.
Angela was right, she was afraid that Booth had made her feel utterly and completely vulnerable. The kind of vulnerability that she thought she would never have to feel again after she used reason and rationality as the basis for her decisions. It was why she had never allowed herself to feel with any of her former lovers. It was why she never had any long-standing friendships with anyone except Angela before she met Booth. The truth was, forensic anthropology was something had a double meaning within it for her. It allowed her to work with bones and those that were unidentified a long time ago. They were impersonal. There were no faces, no person to come into contact with, their family might have long forgotten them and moved on or were simply deceased. It was easy.
But she wanted to know more about people as well, and that was why she also had anthropology. Despite all her desire to cut herself off from other people, she wanted to know more about them, to know more about the reasons why her parents had left her one day, never hearing from them ever again. She had wanted to know why people lied, why they tried to hide themselves. But most of all she wanted to simply try and understand people better without having to form emotional attachments that could cause her further pain.
She looked at Angela and considered what she would say. Would she tell her the truth or lie or say something else or change the subject completely? She didn't know. But Brennan decided that this was Angela and she deserved to know the truth. "You're right," and the statement was punctuated by the look of realization on her face, an epiphany of sorts, one that she wondered why it took her so long for her to realize and understand despite her vast intellect. It was a perfect moment of clarity, one brought about by the passage of time until it had come to this tipping point. It was in this moment that she understood with perfect clarity the depths of her feelings for Seeley Booth.
"It's plain and simple, sweetie, you're in love with Booth and there's nothing you can do about it." Angela said it matter-of-factly, as if it was as plain as the light of day. "Ok, I get it, I get it." She acknowledged the fact that she was in love with Booth. What she didn't know was what to do about it or whether she should actually do anything about it. "So you finally admit it, eh? Well it sure took you a long time, honey, but welcome to lovesville, USA, Angela County, baby." Brennan laughed at her friend's enthusiasm. "Lovesville? Angela County? Very funny, Angela. But seriously, what do I do?"
"You should tell him, of course! Have a big ol' heart to heart with your FBI guy and hammer it through with him." Brennan was confused by Angela's language. "Why would I 'hammer' anything with him? We're not blacksmiths." Angela merely smiled her all-knowing smile. "Just go and tell him." But Brennan wasn't so sure. How could she be sure that this was love, especially with nothing to compare it to? She had to be sure that what she was feeling was that all-elusive feeling, love, and not merely endorphins swimming up her brain and giving off a chemical reaction. She also needed to discover the extent of his feelings for her, she had had enough pain in her life and she didn't want to be hurt anymore, hence her seclusion in science. Finally, she didn't want to jeopardize what she already had with Booth, a good partnership.
They had a good thing going. They caught the bag guys and helped the family of their victims to have closure. They brought justice to those who deserve it and freedom to those who were innocent. That bond that had initially brought them together was something she didn't want to lose. If she believed in God, she might have even thought that her partnership with Booth was blessing from heaven, if she believed.
Brennan voiced her concerns to Angela, to which she listened with all the ingenuous care that a friend would show. After her diatribe, Angela merely gave a small nod and put her finger under her chin and thought about what Brennan had said. "I think… that everything that you've told me is right. You're concerns are justified all except whether or not Booth has feelings for you." Brennan looked a little disconcerted for a split second before resuming her neutral façade, "How so," she inquired.
"Sweetie, any idiot could see that he's totally in love with you. Heck, I think even a baboon would notice it. The way he takes care of you, the way he always takes you out to lunch, the way he protects you and so much more. In fact, you two act like a couple already minus the kissing and hugging and the sex." Brennan took a moment to ponder on Angela's words. Angela was right in that she and Booth did do a lot of things together. She, herself, had already considered this and nodded. But was that love or something else?
"How can you be so sure that love is what he is feeling? Maybe it's just that he's concerned about me. Partners are supposed to be concerned about each other's welfare." Angela leaned on the table, placing her hands on the tabletop. She sighed and told her, "Concerned for each other's welfare, yes, going out of his way to find your dad, no." Brennan knew already the difference, but she wasn't convinced, at least not yet. She couldn't be sure until she had observed his interactions with her enough armed with this new found information.
"Bren, all you have to do is follow your heart. It knows the way. You only have to be willing to let it guide you." Brennan lowered her head for a few moments in contemplation. When she raised it again, there was a vulnerability there that Angela had rarely seen in her best friend.. "But what happens when I haven't listened to my heart for so long that I can't hear it anymore?" She said it in whisper, so softly that Angela almost didn't hear it. But she did.
"Oh honey, nobody really forgets how to listen to their heart. You just have to try. You listened to your heart when you were trapped by the grave digger, didn't you? You knew Booth would save you, no matter what. That's called listening to your heart, Bren." Brennan smiled at her friend's kind words. "Thanks, Ange, for being such a good friend to me" Angela smiled back, and took both of Brennan's hands in hers. "That's what friends are for, sweetie."
A slow knocking on the glass door to Angela's office made them turned their head. Booth was standing outside the doorway. He saw that he had caught their attention and waved his hand then pointed to his watch, indicating that it was lunch. She gave Angela one was look and before she got up to leave Angela asked her, "What will you do?" Brennan was silent, but her eyes looked firm and resolute. "What my heart tells me to." Angela had a twinkle in her eye at Brennan's words and merely replied, "Good girl."