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"I-I've got to go." Ethan muttered, suddenly shuffling from his bed to his feet. Cal went to grab his arm but he pulled back, his IV ripping away with the motion.
Cal stood paralysed after that. The tears in his eyes were no longer held back by his weak barrier. He put a hand to his mouth and gulped back his sobs. He didn't even try to say anything.
He couldn't.
"Ethan, I understand that this is a shock but you should be in bed." Connie smiled sympathetically and began to put her hands on the fragile boys shoulder.
It didn't work.
"JUST GET OFF ME WILL YOU?" Ethan snapped, his mild manner perishing as he pushed the clinical lead back into Cal. "YOU CANT STOP ME!"
Both of his friends stood shell shocked and speechless, both with tears in their eyes as he stormed out of the room.
"Go after him Cal." Connie smiled sadly. "He may not have said it, but he needs you right now."
Cal nodded with a reassuring smile. He wiped his tears, a loud sniff the only thing that could be heard amongst the silence. He threw on his hoodie and held his face in his hands. He felt like crying, but pulled his figure into action. He took a breath, receiving a pat from Connie on the back.
His brother was gravely ill, and he suddenly felt more helpless than ever. But he had to try, he had to pull himself together for his brother's sake.
"I'm coming Ethan." He whispered to himself, before running from the ED.
It had been half an hour and his little brother was still nowhere to be seen. In a midst of running away, and the fact that just about every patient was wearing the same gown, Cal was finding it hard just to spot anyone he knew.
He sighed as he jogged to the last place he could think of. The one place he really didn't want his brother to be.
The roof.
"Ethan?" Cal called, "Are you up here?"
He walked tentatively up the last steps, pushing open the roof door with a hindered breath and concerned glare. His head poked around the corner with great anticipation, as his brother was not found in any previous destinations.
This was a last resort.
Luckily for Cal, he quickly spotted his brother, curled over in the corner, his head in his hands, his knees pressed violently to his chest. He was rocking. He was whimpering.
"Ethan?" he pressed, rushing to his brothers side. "Ethan what's going on?" he fretted, gaining no avail as his brother continued to be hidden; his glasses thrown on the floor, tossed by his side.
"c-cant b-breathe." The boy muttered, his words muffled as he buried his head. "Too much, it's too much." He cried, still rocking as Cal began to become aware.
Panic attack.
"it's okay, Its okay Nibbles, I'm here, I'm here now." He comforted his brother, pulling his head up slightly with his finger. He could see the tears streaming down his face, but persisted to give him a reassuring smile.
"I-I c-can't d-do it." He stuttered, visibly shaking in the cold air. He was gripping at his shirt, his fingers curling around his gown in a panicked manor. "I-I think I-I'm I'm having a he-heart a-attack." He cried, clutching his chest.
"It's a panic attack Ethan, just a panic attack, look at me Eth, look at me!" Cal pulled his brothers arms away from harm, his hands resting on his cheeks.
"Breathe Ethan, take a deep breath."
Ethan's world was spinning, his eyes focusing in and out. He felt hot, he felt sick. His head hurt, everything hurt.
His air supply became smaller and he gasped for more. He felt as if he were dying? Was he? He should have known. Why didn't he know?
He was a doctor for gods sake! He obviously wasn't good at it. Maybe he should quit? He should have quit?
Too much, it was all too much.
"Ethan?"
Too loud.
He felt like he would faint.
"Ethan breathe with me, come on, in for 7 and out for 11." Cal was stressing now, quickly thinking on his toes. He pulled Ethan into his embrace on the floor, rubbing his shoulder as a way to ground him as he panicked.
Ethan began to copy his brothers breathing pattern, his laboured breaths lengthening with each inhale. Cal reassured him, praising him as he continued to calm.
"That's it Eth, that's it, you're doing really well, keep breathing, keep breathing for me." Cal had him in his arms, stroking back the hair on his hot forehead.
He felt pain for Ethan as he panicked.
He felt helpless, as if he was useless.
"C-Cal." Ethan whimpered, gripping his brothers hand. "I-I I'm s-sorry." He sniffled, his red and rubbed eyes looking at Caleb pleadingly, as if he was more fragile than ever.
"Hey, hey, don't apologise, it's okay, it's all going to be okay." He pulled Ethan into his chest, feeling his dark scrubs soak with his brothers tears.
It was a truly devastating state.
Ethan just shook his head, letting the tears fall.
"Don't cry, don't cry, you start me off you idiot." Cal chuckled emotionally, rubbing his brothers back. "Tell uncle Cal what's wrong." He smiled, grabbing Ethan's hands, intertwining their fingers with care.
"I-I don't think I c-can be a doctor anymore not now. T-this is g-going to k-kill me I-isn't it?" Ethan sniffed, his eyes focused on the ground. "I-I only ever wanted to be a-"
Cal put his finger on his lips, quieting him with a trusting glare.
"Now you listen to me, you're the best doctor I've ever met, brain tumour or not okay?" Cal hugged his brother close, his heart falling as he shook his head in defeat. "Ethan look at me." He pestered.
"You are strong, so strong Ethan. I won't take nothing but that word. You listen to me okay? If this is what has got you so upset then forget about it. You're going to get treatment and you will get better, I'm sure of it okay?"
Ethan nodded, a teary smile gracing his face. He looked at his brother, gulping back his sadness.
"I just always dreamed I'd become a consultant, I always dreamed I'd be something big, s-something-" his voice began to break, his pleading eyes begging for comfort.
"C'mere." Cal pulled him back into his arms, holding him as he let it all out. "You will Ethan, you will." Cal shook his head, pressing a kiss to his brother's forehead.
Ethan's eyes looked innocent with anticipation, the tears no longer falling as he held onto his brother in the cold.
"I think you've already become a good doctor Ethan Hardy." He whispered, slipping off his jacket and looping it around his brothers shoulders.
Ethan couldn't speak, for he would just cry again. He simply put his hand on Cal's, breathing in his musky scent. What did he do to deserve him as a brother?
"Now let's get you inside you maniac, it's cold out here, and don't get me wrong but you appear to be just a little bit ill." Cal chuckled helping him up. "I'm always here Eth, and that will never change." He smiled, opening the door.
"Always?" Ethan asked.
"Always." Cal replied, gently holding on to his fragile frame as they walked down the stairs. "Now let's get you back into bed okay? Mrs Beauchamp will throw a shit fit if not."
He saw his brother chuckle through his sniffles and his heart ached. He couldn't let anyone know how hard he was praying for a miracle right now, a miracle that would let his Ethan beat this.
"Can you tell them all?" Ethan muttered, breaking the silence back in his side room. He was finally warming up, his arms tucked snugly under the blanket Cal had put around him. He knew he could go home soon, well, as soon as a treatment plan had been worked out, but he was feeling nervous, a sudden sense of dread about telling his colleagues.
"Do you not want to do it?" Cal smiled, rising from his slouched position in the chair as he leant over his brother's bedside.
"I-I don't think I can." Ethan whispered, swallowing the lump in his throat, stifling all emotion he could. "Please Cal I-"
Ethan was cut off as the door suddenly opened, causing Cal to spring from his seat.
"Charlie." He breathed, relieved at the sight of a friendly, innocent face, one that didn't know what was about to hit the ED.
"Ah Connie will be plenty ased to see you back in bed Ethan." He interrupted, smiling as he came to check the young doctors vitals. "Have they found the cause of the seizure yet? You should be able to go home soon, your vitals are pretty stable." He put a solid hand on Ethan's shoulder and gave Cal a sympathetic glare. "You've got this one to look after you I see. I'm sure he will get you in bed nice an early." Charlie chuckled winking at the older brother.
"Yes, after he's come back from the pub, blind drunk with a takeaway. The true Florence Nightingale he is!" Ethan sniggered, falsely smiling, anything to hide the pain in his head.
Anything to stop thinking about it.
"Hey you! Maybe I was going to bring you back a takeaway too!" Cal giggled, also fighting his emotions. In fact, the boys seemed so upbeat, smiles wide enough to produce happy tears, or were they sad tears?
Charlie had begun to frown, he'd seen through that facade.
"Cal, can I have a word with you outside?" He gestured, breathing heavily as the boy he thought of as a son took heavy and depressing steps, as if he was suddenly carrying the world on his shoulders.
The second they got outside he watched the doctors face fall, and his eyes suddenly redden.
Something big had happened, and Charlie was going to get to the bottom of it.
"What's going on Cal?" He muttered, nervous as the hard and thick skinned man he knew, suddenly began to sob.
"Cal?" Charlie whispered, slowly bringing the doctor to a sitting position. "Cal talk to me." He sighed, gently rubbing his back, watching him slump over to cry in his hands.
Cal looked up, blinking away his tears, tightening his fists, and suddenly shaking his head. He stared at Charlie, too upset to speak, and prayed that the nurse would catch on.
"It's Ethan." He mumbled, biting his lip with the evolving tension.
Charlie looked at him, a smile crossing his lips, comforting eyes encouraging Cal to carry on. But it was so hard, so so hard for the young doctor. How could he utter the words that his brother had cancer, that he had a good chance of dying from the very disease? How could he even try to accept it?
He couldn't accept it. He couldn't make it real, but he had to, he had to start embracing his brothers fate.
"Ethan has a brain tumour, a suspected malignant tumour." He whispered, his face blank, his eyes glazed with tears. "T-The seizure, the headaches t-they were all symptoms." He struggled, not coping any longer, suddenly letting out a strangled sob.
"It's spread across his brain Charlie, he's going to die isn't he?!"
Before he could say anymore he felt himself being embraced, pulled into a warm and strong hug. He gripped on tightly to Charlie's scrubs, desperately letting out his pain and anger in his fragile moment.
He'd been so strong for Ethan, he'd left no strength for himself.
"It's okay Cal, it's okay to cry." Charlie was rubbing his back, gripping his sweaty hand, trying to slow his breathing. "You've been so strong for Ethan, Cal, so strong." He was trying to reassure the boy, but it was beginning to have no avail.
Cal shot up.
"What am I supposed to do?" He snapped, shaking his head violently. "Tell me what to do Charlie, TELL ME." His shouting hindered as Charlie signalled they were in a public place, and he slowly sat next to the nurse on the bed.
"What do I do?"
Cal looked helpless, stressed and down right exhausted. Charlie felt sorry for the pair of brothers, and tried his best to comfort the eldest.
"You just have to be there for him Cal." He smiled, sighing sadly as the doctor looked up at him. He watched him gulp, before slowly nodding his head.
"You need to be his big brother." He whispered.