Life Then

Twenty-five years ago

CJ looked at her calendar again and counted the days thinking she had made a mistake. Fifty-three days. How was this even possible? Her heart started to beat faster and she swallowed hard.

"Claudia Jean," her father called. "We're leaving."

She turned her head toward the sound of her father's voice downstairs. It was Christmas Eve and her entire family was downstairs waiting to go to midnight mass.

"Yeah, just a minute," CJ said distracted by the calendar in front of her.

"If we had a minute I wouldn't have called you," her father reminded her.

"I know," CJ mumbled.

"I think young Ben is getting a bit weary down here with your brothers," Tal informed her.

"Okay," CJ called irritated.

She tossed the calendar on her bed and smoothed out her sweater as she stood to join her family downstairs and save Ben from her brothers. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and paused for a moment gazing at the way her sweater hugged her trim torso. She cocked her head to one side and frowned, a wave of nausea hitting her. This couldn't be happening.

CJ walked downstairs and saw Ben give her a huge smile of relief. He held out her coat for her as CJ put one arm in and turned to pull the coat on herself.

"I got it," she told Ben.

"I can help you," he said while the both fumbled for the other sleeve of the coat.

"Ben," she said almost exasperated. "I'm fine. I don't need help."

She had said it more harshly than she'd intended and she could tell by the look of hurt on his face that he had taken her tone to heart.

"Are we ready now?" Tal asked the group as a whole, but focusing his attention on CJ.

"Yes," CJ mumbled.

They walked to the car in silence and Ben put his hand on her lower back as they got into the car. The touch, which at one time would have made her feel protected and loved, now just made her feel annoyed.

CJ thought it was ironic that just moments after she realized she could be pregnant that she was off to church with her entire family. In ways it seemed appropriate she supposed. Wasn't church all about fallen women anyway? There was Mary Magdalene and of course Mary, mother of Jesus, who was pregnant and alone until Joseph agreed to marry her and raise her child as his own. The only exception was that CJ wasn't looking for Ben to marry her if she was pregnant. In fact, the thought that she was pregnant made her realize just how incompatible she thought they were.

It had been building up lately. In the beginning being with Ben was exciting and different. The chemistry was there and he was an awfully nice man, but lately their conversations were like night and day. She found herself annoyed by little things he would do and they'd been fighting more than not. He didn't seem to be that unhappy, but CJ knew she couldn't do it anymore. She had planned to end things after the holidays, but now she didn't know what she would do.

She played with her bracelet, twisting it over and over as they drove to the church. Her family's prayers would begin when they got to church and knocked down the kneelers, while CJ's prayers had already begun.

"Please don't let this be happening," CJ prayed silently. "I'll never ask for another thing again, just please don't let this be true."

CJ wasn't sure if God was in the business of answering prayers like that, especially since she wasn't the world's best Catholic, but it was worth a shot in her mind. Being pregnant, having a baby, was the very last thing CJ wanted.

Present

"You're pregnant," Donna said smiling. "Congratulations CJ."

CJ stared at all the pregnancy tests on the counter, each of them displaying her pregnancy in there way. There were two blue lines, a plus sign and of course, the idiot-proof test that simply displayed, 'pregnant.'

"I'm pregnant," CJ said in a far off voice.

"Are you okay?" Donna asked.

"I'm pregnant," CJ said looking at Donna.

Donna smiled at her disbelief. She looked shocked and nervous, but there was a glow about her that radiated peace.

"This is…I'm…I can't believe this," CJ said glancing back down at the tests again. "I'm pregnant."

"Is it sinking in yet?" Donna joked.

"No," CJ said with a half-smile. "This feels weird."

"Weird?" Donna asked.

"Weird because it feels so normal," CJ explained.

"You expected it to feel abnormal?"

"Let's just say this has been the only test in my life I've prayed to fail," CJ said.

"Yeah, I understand," Donna said. "But you didn't fail this time."

"No, I certainly didn't," CJ said.

Her mind quickly flashed back twenty-five years to the test on the counter of her bathroom in California. It was negative back then, thank goodness. She remembered the wave of relief that surged through her body back then. It was, in some ways, the same feeling of relief now except for entirely different reasons. She was relieved that she was okay, as far as pregnant constituted okay, but there was something else. There was a feeling deep within her gut that told her now was the time. This time everything was going to be okay.

"Danny is gonna…I don't know what Danny is gonna say," CJ said.

"He's going to be elated," Donna assured her.

"You know, he probably will be," CJ agreed. "I hope anyway. We never really talked about kids. I kind of thought we were passed this stage. I thought I missed it."

She thought about the conversation she had with Danny over two years ago in his apartment. She told him she missed the relationship window and he proved her wrong. Up until this morning she thought she'd missed the baby window as well, but once again, she was proven wrong thanks to Danny. Her life had changed in so many weird and wonderful ways. Each time the change came CJ was terrified, but she got through it. This change, however, was one that would alter the rest of her life.

"Are you gonna call Danny?" Donna asked.

"Oh, yeah I told him I'd call," CJ said snapping back to reality. She walked out of the bathroom and into the hall before she turned to Donna. "I can't tell him this over the phone."

"You can't?"

"This is huge, life-changing news," CJ explained. "It's unexpected and since we didn't talk about it I kind of want to see his reaction."

"Okay," Donna said.

"So we have to lie to him," CJ continued.

"CJ," Donna said.

"No, it'll be fine. We'll tell him I have the flu. He'll be home in a few days and then I can tell him the truth."

"The flu?"

"It's reasonable. I fainted, I was sick, I've been sleepy. Danny isn't a doctor I promise he won't know the difference."

"Okay, the flu it is," Donna agreed.

"Also," CJ said.

"Hmm?"

"Josh."

"What about him?"

"He can't know yet either."

"No problem. I'll tell Josh it's the flu too."

"Thanks Donna," CJ smiled. "I really do appreciate this. I know you're out here to work, not baby sit me."

"It's no trouble. Mrs. Santos was worried about you and Annabeth is out here so she's covered."

"Well I really do appreciate it. I'm glad you were here, but I need to let you get back to work. You're only here for a few more days."

The two women walked into the kitchen CJ pulled her cell phone out of her purse. She checked her watch and noted that Danny should be available and she dialed his number.

"Well?" he answered the phone.

"That wasn't a very cordial greeting," CJ said.

"Are you okay?" he asked again.

"You have a one-track mind my friend," she tried to tease him.

"When it comes to your health you bet I do," Danny replied.

"I'm fine," CJ assured him. "I have the flu."

"The flu?" Danny asked skeptically.

"Yeah."

"You didn't have a fever," Danny pointed out.

"Apparently last night I did and that's why I passed out," CJ lied.

"Is Donna there?" Danny asked.

"You know what I love the most about our relationship?" CJ asked before she continued to answer her own question. "I love the strong sense of trust we have in each other."

"Is she there?" Danny asked ignoring her.

"Hold on," she said passing the phone to Donna.

"Hi Danny," Donna said.

"She said it's the flu," Danny said. "Is it? She's not hiding some brain tumor because she doesn't want to tell me over the phone?"

"She's not hiding a brain tumor," Donna chuckled. "It's the flu. She's on some antibiotics."

"So she's okay," Danny stated.

"She's okay. She'll probably be as good as new when you get home."

"Okay," Danny said cautiously. "Hey Donna, I really appreciate you being there with her."

"It was no trouble."

"Mind if I talk to her again?"

"Not at all," Donna said handing the phone back to CJ.

"Believe me now?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said. "I want you to stay in bed and rest. Tell Frank you'll work from home."

"Well I've already got the day off. I'm sure I'll be okay by tomorrow."

"CJ," he said in a scolding tone. "Stay in bed and get better."

CJ had to smile at his strong voice. He didn't use it very often but it was very authoritative and she found that attractive. It also occurred to her that it was the kind of tone that he'd probably use as a father. She could almost hear him now, "You're not leaving the house until you've picked up your room mister."

"I will," she promised.

CJ glanced over to Donna, who was busy on her cell phone. She decided to lower her voice anyway.

"I miss you," CJ said. She suddenly realized how much she wanted to be near Danny at this moment.

"I miss you too," he replied surprised. "I'll be home soon."

"I know," CJ said. "I just thought you should know that I miss you and even though I might call you a protective caveman, I really do appreciate it."

"Okay," Danny smirked. "But can I ask when you've called me the protective caveman?"

"Now that I'm thinking about it I may have not mentioned it in front of you," she smiled. "I'll see you in a few days."

"Get some rest," Danny reminded her. "I love you."

"Love you too," CJ replied.

CJ turned and saw that Donna was off the phone.

"So, he bought it?" Donna asked.

"Hook, line and sinker," CJ replied.

Danny hung up the phone and quickly dialed his agent.

"Mike," Danny said. "I've got to cancel the next three days. My wife needs me at home."

After CJ told Donna she should get back to her job she had gotten the call from the doctor's office, which had confirmed what her three pregnancy tests already indicated. She was indeed expecting and news, which had at first washed over her like a panic, was now beginning to slowly sink in. CJ was still terrified that Danny wouldn't want a child. They had never discussed it, and, at their respective ages, CJ had never actually thought about broaching the subject. It was just another of those things which she didn't think she'd ever have.

When CJ was little she grew up with brothers. Since her mother died when CJ was relatively young she grew up in a house full of boys. She grew up climbing trees and fly fishing, not braiding hair and playing hop-scotch. She had dolls and there were the occasional games of house with the girls down the street, but CJ often played the father figure by pretending to go to work while the other girls tended to the baby dolls.

As she grew older CJ realized that she was still surrounded by men. She worked with powerful men and women who knew what they wanted and where they were going. In her younger days CJ went along for the ride, not really sure of what she wanted or where she was going. Yes, it had all changed as she got older, but as she sat thinking back she couldn't recall ever imaging a child in the picture. When the other girls were planning there weddings and awing over baby clothes CJ was planning for her career.

CJ had just promised Danny that she would stay at home and take it easy, but she couldn't stop her mind from spinning out of control. She already had the day off of work and she decided to do the most mind-numbing thing she could think of. She decided to walk around the mall.

CJ pulled into the mall parking lot and decided that this was exactly what she needed to try to get a grip on her thoughts. Looking at the endless variety of clothes, shoes, food and body lotions was the perfect background noise for her while she thought about what being pregnant would mean to her and Danny.

Danny. In a way she was grateful that he wasn't around when she found out she was pregnant. She needed time to think and Danny would want to talk. The thing was that CJ didn't know what to talk about. Should she talk about the fear that gripped her stomach and made her breath catch in her throat when she realized that she could be pregnant? Should she talk about the fact that she was 46 years old? Should she talk about the little voice in the back of her head that told her that this might be the best thing she'd ever accomplish?

There was a voice, deep down, that CJ heard only briefly through the clutter of thoughts that voiced anxiety, fear and shock. It was the voice of hope. It was the voice that told her that even though she'd accomplished so many wonderful things, that maybe her greatest accomplishment was yet to come. It was a voice that was much quieter than the others, but it was lurking.

CJ passed an area in the center of the mall where there was a large area where children could play. She passed it often when she went shopping, but she never really paid much attention to it. Today, however, she was drawn to it. She saw the mothers, all younger than herself, talking and keeping one eye on a toddler or rocking a stroller back and forth. Some of the mothers looked worn out and tired. Some of the mothers looked content. But no matter the look on their faces, CJ saw something in their eyes. It was undying, unconditional love for these children. The children who were running and jumping, laughing and crying, hitting and smiling.

CJ tore herself away from the scene and began to think seriously. She and Danny had some decisions to make and, from what Dr. Wilson had told her, they had to make them fairly quickly. The first decision, and the one that would dictate the rest, was if they should have the baby at all. CJ mentally ticked that question off the list in her head. Although she was terrified at the prospect of having a baby, from the moment she confirmed that she was pregnant she knew she would never terminate the pregnancy. This was their baby, hers and Danny's. She got pregnant without even trying and that made her wonder if there wasn't some reason. She felt stupid admitting it, but she almost wondered if this baby was some sort of gift or reward. Was it fate's little way of making up for all the time Danny and CJ lost while she worked at the White House?

With that question eliminated CJ moved on to the next. Would Danny be happy? Would he want this? She couldn't really imagine him not being happy. It was like Donna said, he would probably be ecstatic. But what if he wasn't? What if he never wanted children? What if he was happy with his life the way it was? This was, after all, the man who liked to sit at home and listen to his police scanner once upon a time. She shook her head as she walked passed the store fronts slowly. Danny would be happy. She knew that Danny would accept the news and jump for joy the moment he heard it because that was just who he was.

The third issue at hand was troubling. Dr. Wilson had mentioned that CJ might have complications with this pregnancy, being as though she was older. Although she was in fine health her doctor worried that the baby might be susceptible to health issues. In that case the first question CJ asked herself came back into play. Should they go ahead with the pregnancy if there was something wrong with the baby? This was where CJ started to feel ill. She decided to take a seat on a bench outside a large sports store. She took a deep breath and tried to push the sick feeling she had out of her mind. She wasn't sure if it was nerves or morning sickness, but she knew she didn't like where her thoughts were going.

She took a few more breaths and let the air out slowly until she felt better. She wanted to think more about the issue at hand. She knew she had to, but suddenly she thought that maybe these questions were better addressed with Danny. CJ looked up and peered into a sports store. There was an array of basketball jerseys lined up. Of course the Lakers, the Kings and the Clipper jerseys were front and center, being in California and all, but CJ thought she spied a few Knicks jerseys in the back and she decided to go in and take a look around.

CJ entered the sports store and walked over to the adult jersey rack. She found a Knicks jersey and decided she'd surprised Danny with a little gift. His old jersey was ratty and although he insisted that it was lucky, she figured he might be willing to part with it after what looked like another losing season for his team. She found his size and turned to pay when she spotted a rack of small children's jerseys.

CJ approached the rack and saw how small the tiny jerseys were. She ran her hand slowly down the small silky garment and grinned. She dug through the rack for a moment until she spotted what she was looking for. She pulled on the hanger that held a miniature Knicks jersey, akin to the one she had in her hand for Danny, with the number 00 on the back. It was too good to pass up and so she made her way over to the counter with both items.

"Is this all today ma'am?" the lady behind the counter asked.

"Yes," CJ replied pulling out her wallet.

"Oh my gosh, this is so adorable," the lady said as she pulled the baby jersey over to scan the tag.

"Yeah," CJ smiled.

"I don't think I ever noticed how small these are," the lady continued. "How old is your baby?"

The question caught CJ off guard and she blushed a little. "Oh, it's, um, my baby…I'm due in September," CJ finally explained. "I thought my husband would like it."

"Oh he'll love it," the lady said. "Men are such suckers for sports things. The tiny little hats are what get my husband."

"Yeah," CJ nodded with a small grin as she paid for the items.

She made her way out of the store and felt a little bit better than she had earlier. The news had finally sunk in and now she only had to tell Danny and hope for the best.

TBC