Chapter 3

"It's okay," Lee assured her, moving quickly to the door, and after checking to see it was whom he had expected, opened it to allow the waiter to remove the dirty dishes.

While the waiter was cleaning the table, Amanda wandered to the window to look out at the gardens. The landscape spread before her added to the surreal feeling that had taken hold of them over the last couple of hours. There was the very real fact that she was in danger, but then there had been periods of time when they had been cocooned in a sensual bubble that sent thrills up and down her spine. With the sun just beginning to lower in the sky, the long night ahead stretched out before them and it was if the scenery before her was beckoning for them to take a moonlight stroll. If only, she sighed hearing the door shut and Lee's quiet footfalls as he crossed the room toward her.

She wasn't prepared when his warm hands landed on her shoulders and his firm jaw pressed against the side of her head, "Amanda?" His hot breath blew across her ear sending a shiver down her spine, "Where were we?"

Lee cursed the poor timing of the waiter, and just when the conversation had turned really interesting too. While he was cursing the waiter, he was also cursing his insecurities regarding Amanda and how he wished he would have had the courage to explain to her how he felt about Joe's return before he had pitched the idea of brother and sister. Talk about poor timing.

Amanda turned in his arms, "Lee, I need," her eyes met his before traveling to his mouth.

It was past time and all he had to do was lean just a little closer and touch his lips to hers. He shut his eyes as the distance between their mouths narrowed, halting only when he felt her body tense ever so slightly. He shifted his momentum to bring his forehead down to rest against hers. "We're rushing again, aren't we?" he murmured.

"Yeah." Amanda sighed and slid her arms around his waist. "Lee, it's not that I don't want this, because I do, you must know I do – but I need to know what you want."

"Need to know, huh?" he teased.

Amanda leaned back in his arms to look up with a smile, acknowledging the joke she'd accidentally made, then tipped up on her toes to press her lips against his cheek; not the kiss he'd been hoping for but reassuring nonetheless since she hadn't pulled away.

Putting all thoughts of a moonlit walk aside, Amanda smiled slightly as she ran her thumb over the spot to remove the faint trace of lipstick she'd left. "We do this-" she motioned back and forth between them "all the time. We flirt and we go on dates that aren't dates and I just admitted I wanted to spend the night with you that night at the conference and I'm not saying I would have regretted that-"

"But you would have."

"No, I wouldn't but I was doing what you do – trying to skip ahead and get to the ending, but we can't just skip all the conversation we should have before that. C'mon," she stepped back, just far enough to tug him over to the couch. She sank down onto it, pulling him down to sit beside her. "For the past few hours we've been talking about why we do this, and it keeps circling back to the people we do it for and that's the reason I need us to slow down. I can't go into a relationship with you that's more than we have now, if what you're looking for is what you've had with the other women you've dated. I'm not those girls – I have other people I need to think about."

"I know that," he objected. "I know how important your family is to you!"

"Better than anyone," she agreed. "And I can lie to them about my job, but I won't lie to them about what we have together, so if you truly become part of that side of my life, you become part of the boys' lives and I don't know if you really understand what that means."

"Are you saying you don't want me to be?" he asked, the hurt showing on his face.

"Of course, I'm not saying that!" she replied immediately. "I can't think of a better man to bring home to meet them, but once you do that, there's no turning back and what I need…no, what you need is to understand that before we go any further."

Lee studied her carefully. "You think I can be the guy you bring home to your mother?"

"I know you can," Amanda reassured him. "But I need to know that you want to."

Lee sat back and considered that for a moment. "Amanda… you know better than anyone that I don't have anything to measure against as far as family goes. I've been an outsider my whole life, and I know that when you met me I looked like a bit of a playboy but to be honest, I haven't been around as much as my reputation suggests."

"Sure," she replied with an eye-roll in a disbelieving tone.

He took her hands in his and let out a melancholy sigh. "Look, I'm not going to deny that I have a past and I've been with more women than I probably should have…" He paused and shuddered slightly at the thought of some of them that he truly regretted. "But it's not as many as most people seem to think."

"Then what about the four black books?" she questioned dubiously. "That seems like an awful lot of women to me."

"You do know that I didn't really date all those women, right? I'm a spy; I've traveled all over the world under a hundred or more different aliases in the last thirteen years. That means a lot of people and yes, a lot of them were women and a lot of those women gave me their numbers without me asking for them. You know about my civilian family, right?"

"Right," she nodded.

"Well, I created those books and the codes in them to keep them all straight in case I ever needed them for the future. I admit that I've dated a lot and I did date a few of them, but mostly, I was just trying to keep track in my own mind which women I told which lies to in case I were ever in the same location again and might need their help. I never took their numbers with the intention of dating each and every one of them, some I did date, some of them I just used for a cover when I needed someone to go to an event with me for the job, like when I invited you to the Quickie Chickie thing."

"Oho!" She pulled back from him, looking affronted. "So, you were just using me then?"

"I-" He stood up and began pacing in frustration. "No! That's-" He flung himself into the armchair to give himself a bit of distance from her while he tried to dig himself out of the current hole he was in. "I never meant to suggest that I was using you. It's just that I knew even then that even though I cared about you, I…well, I shouldn't be involved with you on a more personal level until I could get my head on straight. I needed to really deal with a lot of stuff from my past. As for the party...well, I knew already by then how loyal, dependable and enthusiastic you were about the job and I needed someone to go to that party with. It looks less suspicious when I'm on the job if I arrive with a date rather than a single guy alone. But really, the point I was trying to make is that that's all many of those women were to me and some of them weren't even that, they were women I met exactly one time and never saw again."

"Are you putting me on?"

"No, Amanda, not at all. I know I kept a lot of stuff about my past hidden because it was just too painful, but I-I want to change that. I really want to share more things with you like I did when I shared all that stuff with you about Dorothy. It means more to me than you know that you were there for me when I was going through all that." He flashed a dimpled smile at her.

Amanda couldn't help smiling back at him and replied quietly, "If you need someone to help you slay more rose dragons, you know I'm available, right?"

"I know that." He gave her a lop-sided grin, "That means a lot to me." Instead of continuing along that topic, he backtracked to their earlier conversation, "Amanda, what I was trying to say earlier was...you know you're not like those other women, right?"

Her brows rose, a slight frown appearing between them, "Oh?"

That single syllable said so many things, frustrating Lee even more at his inability to say what he really wanted to say, "What I meant was," his voice lowered a few tones, "that you are different, Amanda King. You make me want..."

"Oh?" she responded again, this time though a little smile played along her lips.

He could feel the tips of his ears turning red at his inadvertent innuendo, "No, I mean...I do but...you make me want more." His stuttering upped his frustration level, causing him to push up from the chair and stalk to the cabinet in the corner. When he found an album that exemplified the emotions coursing through his system, he set it on the record player and the smooth music of Nat King Cole filled the room.

"Amanda," he stopped in front of the sofa, holding out his hand, his dimples beckoning, "I find you Unforgettable. Dance with me?"

She rolled her eyes at his cheesy comment, but silently slid her hand into his, allowing him to pull her close. Lee rested his chin lightly against the side of her head, giving himself permission for them just to be for a few seconds while what he wanted to say coalesced in his mind, You make me want...so many things, floated through his head but the words on the tip of his tongue were different. Before he could second guess them, he leaned back just enough so he could look into her dark eyes. "Amanda," he whispered as they continued to move to the music, "We want the same things."

"We do?"

He nodded his head slightly, wanting her to see the truth in his eyes and after a few seconds, she relaxed her body against his. Feeling as if their relationship had crossed into a new level, Lee let go of the breath he had been holding and tightened his arms around her.

As one song blended into another and the music wove a spell around them, Amanda melted into Lee even more. The sensual spell that had been present all evening hadn't dissipated, but their conversation gave her hope, and, in his arms, she was safe. The feeling carried them through several songs until the opening strains of a new one brought back a memory of long ago. "My parents loved this song," she whispered, hesitant to break the spell.

"The Very Thought of You?" He smiled down at her, "Tell me."

Her fingers automatically sifted through the fine strands of hair at the base of his neck as she talked, "I was maybe eight, and caught my parents dancing one evening. It was to this song."

Lee's laughter was low, the gentle rumble from his chest sending tingles throughout. "Had you caught them before?"

Amanda laughed, "Oh sure." She shook her head as the memory washed over her, "At least once a week. My mother loves music...all kinds of music."

"She's a smart woman." He twirled her around the room, making her dizzy, but whether the feeling was from the movement or just being in his arms, she didn't know.

"She is," Amanda agreed. "She always told me to never underestimate the power of the music's message."

Lee didn't say anything for several seconds, but their movements slowed as the song ended and a new one started. "I agree," he whispered for her ears only. "Why do you think I chose this album?"

The melody sent shivers down her spine as she realized that Nat King Cole wasn't singing just any love song, but When I Fall in Love was playing just for them.

Oh my gosh. Amanda kept her head resolutely against his shoulder so that he wouldn't see the tears he'd brought to her eyes. Worried that those would spoil the fragile moment, she contented herself instead with squeezing his hand gently and let him gather her closer. If this was any other time…

They remained in a cocoon of silence as the song played on, letting the last few notes fade away and the next began, a jazzy rendition of "Straighten Up and Fly Right" that gave them no reason to continue their dance. As they stepped apart unwillingly, Amanda left her hands on Lee's shoulders, looking up at him and meeting his fond smile with one of her own.

Lee said nothing, never letting his eyes leave hers as he moved a hand from her waist up to cover hers where it still rested and lifting it so that he could kiss the inside of her wrist.

"Lee," she sighed. "You said-"

"No rushing," he murmured. "And I meant it." He stepped back and drew her hands into his. "This isn't the time or place, is it? Locked up and on edge? Worried about your mother and the boys, wondering when the next interruption will come."

She nodded, biting her lip slightly, relieved that he understood.

"Someday, we will find the right time…" he lifted her hand and kissed the back of her fingers, "and the right place…" he repeated the action with her other hand "but for now…"

"We're stuck with this," she finished his sentence.

"I am never stuck anywhere when I'm with you," he chided with a teasing glint in his eye. "But yes, for tonight anyway, when I keep my eyes on you, it's going to have to be professionally."

There was a long beat as they gazed at each other. The record had finished, and the arm was returning to its cradle automatically. Amanda was the first to break away, stepping back and smoothing her hands over her skirt. She walked to the couch and sat down again, perched on the edge of the cushion, suddenly nervous again.

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" she asked, gesturing to the TV.

"It might be better not to," he said apologetically. "It might mask any sounds we should be listening out for."

"Right," Amanda nodded. "So…" She looked around, her eye lighting on the pile of magazines Lee had pointed out earlier. "Do you want the 1973 issue of Today's Collectibles or the 1975 copy of Der Spiegel or maybe…Oh! A recent one! Last month's issue of Weight Loss Weekly? Honestly, who stayed here last?"

Lee's grin lit up with laughter. "Well, how's your German?"

"Non-existent," she said immediately, beaming back. "I told you that."

"Oh, that's right. Nothing but Edelweiss, right?" His voice was both warm and teasing. "So, I guess I win Der Spiegel then." He took it from her outstretched hand and moved to the armchair closest to her.

Amanda gave him a questioning look as he sank down into the chair with a weary sigh.

As if sensing her eyes on him, he raised his eyebrows back at her. "What?"

"Nothing," she shook her head and feigned interest in a decade-old magazine as if she truly cared about its contents.

"A-man-da," he huffed. He hated when she did that, gave him that look that was half-question, half-scolding as if he were one of her children, but then wouldn't tell him what it was all about.

"What?" she snapped back as she looked up at him. She always knew he was irritated or frustrated by her when he broke down her name into all three syllables.

"I don't understand you," he replied in a calmer tone. "I thought we were having a nice time and now you act like you're pissed at me again."

"Well, I am. Or- I don't know - maybe 'pissed' is the wrong word, more like annoyed," she retorted sharply as she slammed the magazine down onto her lap and glowered at him.

"Annoyed? By what?"

"I'm annoyed by the fact that you always do this. Every time I think we're getting closer...like just now...you know, with the dancing and the sharing...and...and...and the talking... Every time we have something like that, you do this!" She gestured wide-armed to the chair he was sitting in.

"What? Sit down?" His face showed a look of thorough befuddlement as he gaped at her.

"You know very well what I'm talking about - the way you distance yourself every time we start to get too close for your comfort."

"B-b-but-" he sputtered as he tried to figure out just what he'd done wrong now. He ran a hand through his hair before looking back at her and questioned, "But didn't we just talk about this, you know, taking things slow? Aren't we supposed to be trying to cool things down and bit."

"Slow, yes, but not glacier-slow and cooling down is good, but not glacier-cold either."

"I didn't think I was being cold just by sitting down," he explained in his own defense. "If it's because I sat over here-"

"That's exactly what it is," she interrupted. "You did that earlier when we had that little tiff about your black book girls."

"Ohhhh..." he crooned softly as the realization hit him. "I didn't sit here to distance myself, or at least not in the way you think. I mean, I did want to put a little physical distance between us, but not because I don't want to be close to you. I just..." He let out a deep sigh and tried to figure out how to word things without digging himself in deeper. "I just thought I was giving you the space you wanted, especially after-" He broke off abruptly and turned his attention to the periodical in his hand and began flipping pages to occupy his mind with anything he could other than that fact that she'd pretty much confessed tonight that she wanted to sleep with him.

"Oh, no you don't, Mister! You're not going to shut me out again. After what?" she probed insistently.

Lee took a deep breath and set the magazine aside, "Amanda," he leaned forward capturing her hands. "Do you remember what I said when we were dancing?"

Her shy smile and the slight tint that covered her cheeks were very much in opposition to her pointed questions she had thrown at him all evening, "Yes," she answered quietly before dropping her eyes to their joined hands. "But-"

"And do you remember what almost happened each time we were close?" he continued, interrupting her interjection. "And how my body reacted to your nearness? How we almost..."

A little spark flared to life in her eyes at the answers that would fill in that blank. She nodded her head, her silence telling him she had been just as affected as he.

Swallowing hard he worked to maintain his focus on what was best for her...for right now at least. "And every time we almost stepped across that line, do you have any idea how hard it was not to kiss your lips, not to pick you up and carry you into the bedroom and love you," his voice dropped to a whisper, "not to lose myself in your loving arms?"

He touched his lips to their joined hands almost reverently, "I'm not shutting you out. I promise," he added, seeing a quick flash of skepticism cross her face. "Our talk has been-"

"Awful?" she teased.

"Enlightening," he grinned finishing the sentence with a word that just fit. Their talk had been enlightening as not only had they learned some things about each other, but he had learned a few things about himself. "I promised to give you space, Amanda, and as long as we are," he nodded at the room and smirked, "'stuck with this,' everything else must wait."

She opened her mouth to say something but almost afraid she could sway his decision, he laid a finger over her lips, "I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you."

His husky admission brought tears to her eyes, "Nothing is going to happen to me," she assured him. "Not with the great Scarecrow watching my tail."

Lee's smile was tender, his dimples just barely showing, "Which is why I'm over here," he explained. "Because when I'm next to you, especially now," he added, "it's difficult to keep Lee separate from Scarecrow." His voice trailed off and helpless to stop he gently kissed her cheek, barely missing her lips. "Okay?"

She hesitated, her eyes locked with his, "Thank you," she whispered before letting go of his hands and picking up her magazine to resume flipping through the pages.

Lee did the same, but he couldn't seem to focus on any one page for too long without his eyes drifting back to her. She was something, his Amanda, and such a dichotomy that lately he always felt one step behind. She challenged him in ways he had never imagined. When she glanced his direction, he found he felt embarrassed, quickly ducking his head and unconsciously running his hand through his hair. She made him feel like a schoolboy, which was both exhilarating and terrifying and something he hadn't felt in...forever.

But keeping his eyes on what he was reading didn't last long, as the pull of her was too strong. Now that he had re-donned his professional hat, he could see the fatigue caused by the stress of the day etched on her face.

When they had initially sat down, Amanda kept running their conversation over and over in her mind, but the quieter the room, the more the real reason they were here kept crowding in. She flipped the pages of her magazine, but whether it was the first time or the fifth, she still couldn't make much sense of what she was reading. Her mind was on her family and how much longer she would be here. Feeling the frustration bubble up inside, she took a shaky breath.

"Uh, Amanda, it's getting late." Lee's voice wrapped around her, settling her nerves, "Why don't you take a rest and I'll go in the other room.

She knew there was no way she wanted to be in that other room alone...and in the dark, "Well, I'm not that tired," she confessed, "and I'm probably too nervous to sleep." unless your...but she refused to allow those thoughts to formulate completely.

Something came and went in his eyes causing her heart to do a little flip, "Okay, I can stay." he blurted sending her a grin that made her breath catch.

A slow smile spread across her face, "That would be nice." she admitted softly.

The current between them sparked to life once again, a little brighter than before as her eyes locked with his. She knew she needed to look away, but she found she couldn't, only able to tear her eyes away when there was a knock at the door.

She held her breath as Lee slipped off the chain and opened the door, curious who it was so late in the evening. When Francine stepped inside, and it became obvious she was staying, Amanda couldn't stop the quick wave of regret that shot through her. She liked, and trusted Francine, but Lee...he made her feel safe.

As he questioned Francine, almost as if he didn't trust what she was saying, Amanda found she had to fight not to react. There was a part of her that wanted to throw herself into his arms and beg him to take her with him, but unable to do that she was left to wait…and trust someone else.

He laid the magazine on the table, his eyes conveying more than he could say, "Well, I guess I'd better go." were the words he uttered, but I don't want to go were the unspoken ones meant just for her

Amanda smiled, hoping he could read her message meant for him just as easily, I know. I'll be okay, but unable to trust her voice she answered quietly, "Yeah."

She could tell he understood how she was feeling in his hesitancy opening the door, "I'll see you later." he promised. She was sure his words were meant to assure her as they had been spoken carefully, but it was his smile that stayed with her after he was gone.

As soon as the door closed behind him, she was overwhelmed with a sense of loss that she was unable to explain. Did it have something to do with the fact that, with this case, she was the hunted and not the hunter? She had been involved in more dangerous situations than she could count, but Lee had always been by her side. He was the one she trusted. He kept her safe. He was the one she could lean on, yet now...

Francine sat down in the chair Lee had just vacated and as the room was filled with an awkward silence, Amanda couldn't help but compare the differences in the feel of the quiet to her time with Lee. From the revelations brought about by their talks to the music playing when they danced, each moment was indelibly engraved on her mind. "Do you want to play hearts?" Francine interrupted her musings. With a forlorn sigh, Amanda tucked her memories away to be reviewed later and made her way to the table.

~fin

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