Hello there! Here we are, chapter 3! Enjoy!
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The next few days Janos fell deep into depression. He couldn't eat or sleep; his wound became infected because he would constantly open it again. For the first time since growing out his hair, it was unkempt and ragged. Janos would barely come out of his room anymore, insisting to stay there with his curtains drawn. Erik and Emma tried to consol him, at times yelling at him to snap out of this state but Janos would only stare blankly at the floor. He didn't want to be comforted, to be told that everything would be alright. Because deep inside his broken heart, Janos knew that nothing would ever be alright again.
Janos's face twisted with rage as he beat the punching bag with his bare fists. When he wasn't in his bedroom, he was in the gym. The pain that came with each punch left him wanting more; it was the only thing he found that would take his mind out of depression, even for a short while. While his shoulder jolted with each hit his mind whirled and spun madly. He had taken so much abuse in his life, be it his own childhood or his leader. All through Shaw's and Erik's leadership, Janos had thought himself so strong. He thought he could withstand anything. But his careful harness on his powers had slowly started to slip since Angel's and Azazel's deaths. Janos' fuse flared quicker than before; he was quick to act or speak when someone said something he didn't like. Every piece of fury his body held he beat onto the punching bag.
Raven had left the team on the night of her boyfriend's death. Janos didn't know why, or where she had gone. He didn't even know if she knew Azazel and been killed. I hope she's safe, he thought as he threw an extra-hard hit; the impact made his knuckles crack loudly. For her own sake, I hope she's safe. Janos wished she didn't know about Azazel; he didn't know how she would handle it if she did know. Wherever she was, she would find herself a new start where she couldn't get hurt.
"Janos, stop it." Emma's stern voice came from the doorway. "You'll work yourself to death."
"I hope I do!" Janos spat back at her as he threw a quick punch with his right fist, then his left.
"Janos." Emma said. "Your knuckles are bleeding. They're probably broken."
Janos bared his teeth in anger. "Why do you care?"
Emma sounded almost hurt. "Because you're my friend."
He scoffed loudly; it came out of his throat grating and hard, like his voice. "If you really cared about me, you would be lying dead instead of Azazel and Angel."
She went to speak but he cut her off with a scream. "Why did they die, huh Emma? Why didn't you save them?"
"There was nothing I could do –"
"Shut up!" Janos gave the bag a final furious punch then spun to face her.
Emma stood at the doorway in her white nightgown; her blue eyes widened and Janos knew without looking what she saw. This morning he had cut five tally marks over his heart. The scores were large, and deep enough to scar permanently. He hadn't bothered to cover the cuts; stirring up a little wind he had dried them so the blood was frozen in rivets down his chest.
Emma's eyes snapped up to his face; she looked horrified that Janos would go this far to consol his emotions and grief. "Why have you done –"
"So they will never be forgotten. " Janos stepped slowly toward her, voice dark. "Every scar is a person that I've lost, Emma."
She seemed fixed on his movements as he pointed to three of the tally marks; he didn't take his eyes off hers. "My parents and my little sister. Our house caught fire one night and they all burnt to death. I was seven."
Then pointed to the two deepest tally marks. One stood next to his sister's mark, the other slashed through all four. "And now Azazel and Angel. Tell me Emma, how many people do you think I'll lose? The next mark could be Erik, Raven, even you.
His voice became slight choked; he screamed while pointing at his chest. "I didn't ask for this, Emma! I don't want this! All I ever wanted was to keep the ones I loved safe!"
With that final word Janos couldn't take this anymore. He was sick of losing everyone; of seeing their blood and bodies everywhere he turned. Janos threw his head back and gave a blood-chilling scream of rage and loss. The wind burst out around him like a force field, causing the windows to shatter. Curtains of glass rained down around Janos and Emma like a cascading waterfall.
Janos gripped at his head as terrible pain stabbed him in the mind; the scream died from his throat and he fell to his knees, head dropping forward. He wasn't shaking with sobs like he was before; his body was dry of all tears. Janos knew he didn't have to look to know that Emma was doing this to him; causing him to feel like his mind was being pulled apart. Pulling on his hair, he opened his mouth to scream again but all that surfaced was a faint gasp of pain.
"Pull yourself together!" Emma shouted inside his mind all while making the pain worse. "You're not the only one that lost friends that day!"
Janos wanted to reply that she had no comparison to him; she hadn't lived the life he had. But the agony was so bad he could do nothing but press his forehead to his knees and grip at the sides of his head.
"Emma? What are you doing to Riptide?"
At Erik's voice, the pain lessened but didn't disappear entirely. Janos could hear the snarl in Emma's voice as she answered, "He's too unstable, Erik! I tried to comfort him but he lost control of his powers and broke all the windows!"
"Let him go." Erik ordered sternly, not a hint of emotion in his voice toward the woman.
The agony gripping his mind instantly vanished leaving Janos breathless, lungs gasping for air. After a few muttered words from Erik that Janos couldn't make out, Emma leave the room. Janos stayed on his knees with his head gripped between his broken hands, unable to make himself move from his fertile position.
"Riptide," Erik said quietly. The leader came to him and put a hand on Janos' good shoulder. "Their deaths were not your fault."
"Yes they were." Janos sobbed tearlessly. "If I had been there –"
"If you had been there you probably would have died too." Erik explained softly. "Emma and I escaped just in time. If we had been a second later getting away –"
"You abandoned them!" Janos screamed, finally looking at his leader. "You abandoned them, you and Emma! They didn't deserve to die the way they did!"
"Get out."
"What?"
"I said get out, Riptide. Leave. I can't have you here anymore."
"Erik, no –"Janos felt so confused; one moment his leader was trying to comfort him and the next he was telling him to leave.
"You're nothing but a dead weight to this team. All you've done since the mission is wallow in your own self-pity and guilt while Emma and I still fight to secure our future! I can't have you here. There's nothing I can do to fix a broken man."
"Erik, please." Janos couldn't let this happen. He wasn't about to drive another person away from him. "Don't do this."
But Erik only shook his head. Those blue eyes that were normally so harsh were now full of sadness. "I'm sorry, Riptide. I know how you feel right now. I know how bad losing the people you love is –"
"Then help me!" Janos cried. He beat the ground with a fist; pain flared through his broken knuckles like he had hit them with a lead pipe.
"I can't." said Erik as Janos tried to hide the agony. His voice was the softest Janos had ever heard it. "I can't help you. You need to fix your own broken heart. Only you can do this."
Janos' body somehow found the energy to produce tears. They blurred his vision and dripped down his cheeks like rain from the clouds. Too ashamed to meet Erik's eyes anymore he pressed his forehead against the cold ground. His breath came in shuddering gasps. Everything in his entire body ached. With a sob, the wall of protection he had built over his hurt finally crumpled to ashes. Janos didn't feel strong anymore; his heart had been broken and he couldn't understand why it had all happened. Why was the world so cruel to him?
He became the little boy again, the one who sat in the ashes of his house clutching at the corpses of his parents. Abandoned by those he loved and confused, the child had shaken his parents and then his dear little sister, not understanding why they wouldn't wake up. When strong arms lifted him from the ashes, he had fought and screamed with all his might for his parents, his sister, for someone to get up and save him. But not one of them moved. They just lay there, staring at him with glassy eyes as he was taken away in the arms of strangers. Since that horrible day Janos had built a wall over his pain, shielding his emotions from anyone and everyone. The children at foster care called him freaky, the ones at high school "weirdo" or "stupid". Even the teachers seemed to avoid him. Janos would rarely speak even when spoken too, leading many to believe he was dumb. He was beaten often, sometimes even by his own hand.
And now it happened again with the loss of Angel and Azazel. Everything came flooding back to Janos: his parents and sibling's bodies around him, the abuse he suffered at school. The faces of those he had lost blurred together in his mind, a mess of people that had been left behind. It's all my fault. The thoughts came back too; Janos lived on them as a boy, for they were what would drive him to punish himself. Everything that's happened in my life is my fault. Everyone that I've lost, they died because of me.
Suddenly Erik's arms were around him, his head pressing atop of Janos'. Janos only sobbed harder in the embrace; his little sister, Madisol, would hug him like this whenever he was down. God, he missed her so much.
No words were needed between the two men to share their grief. Erik knew how painful this moment in life was for his fellow teammate. He knew how Janos had tragically lost his family; Emma had read the man's mind one night then told Erik everything. Erik himself had lost his mother and Charles. The passings of Angel and Azazel had been another nail to the chest for Erik but he knew Riptide would take it the hardest, given his past. Azazel had been a brother to Riptide, just like Charles to Erik. Pity stirred in Erik's stomach; he hated himself for forcing Riptide to leave but it was what was best for him. The man needed time to heal his heart and eventually leave the past in the past.
With a calm sigh Erik lifted his head off his teammates. Janos felt Erik's hand move up to the back of his shoulder but he still couldn't bring himself to look at his leader in the eye. He had not been there for the mission when they needed him. He had let the team die. His task on the Wednesday had been to train Angel but all he had done was secure her death. That burn scar Janos had gained from the training lesson used to be a mark of pride that Angel had hit him. Now it was a painful reminder that she was gone. The pieces of his heart were slowly being further pulled apart with each passing second.
"I loved her." He whispered to himself. "I…I loved her."
"Angel loved you too." Erik said sadly. "She told me to tell you that just before we attacked the base. I… I think she knew she was going to die that night."
Nausea twisted in Janos' stomach and he fisted his broken hands on either side of his head in order to block it out. The pain only got worse as he hauled in breath after shuddering breath. Angel knew? How come she didn't try prevent her death – why hadn't she said anything? Janos could have – oh my God. A sudden realization left his body shaking and skin cold. That day when he had blacked out from her acid: that wasn't an accident. Angel had hit him specifically with a large dose in order to put him out for the mission. She had saved his life all while giving her own. Did she know how distraught she had left him? Janos felt like he was a brick wall, once indestructible but now falling to rubble. He choked on a sob. How could she do this to him?
Janos started to rock himself, fingernails gripping his head so hard he could feel a trickle of blood weave through his hair. The pain in his stomach became worse; it felt like he'd been stabbed with a red-hot knife and left to bleed out. There was nothing he could do drive the agony away, only drown in it like he had all those years ago. It was what his whole life had been: learning to cope with this pain. But everyone man has his breaking point. "Kill me."
"What?" Erik's hand moved to Janos' good shoulder. He leaned closer, not sure he had heard the man right.
"Kill me!" Janos' hands shook from the pressure he was gripping, his fingers turned white. The additional pain from his broken hands made him grit his teeth in agony. Stale tears ran down his face and dripped onto the ground.
"I – I can't live with this anymore. Please Erik," he begged, voice rising to a scream. "Kill me!"
Erik gripped both of Janos' shoulders hard, trying to get through to him. "You have to fight this, Riptide. Don't let the darkness take you like it did me! Don't repeat my mistake!"
"It was a mistake ever being born!" Janos screamed back, causing the tears to stream faster from his red eyes.
Something inside of Janos snapped. He didn't want to live anymore, his life was worthless. His family and friends were dead, the Brotherhood had been reduced to wreck and ruin. What was there to live for? There was nothing in the past for him in the future. With a scream that fuelled his entire weeping body Janos pushed himself to his feet and ran toward the closest window. The broken glass that remained on the frame jutted up like the teeth of chainsaws. He could hear Erik shouting, even feel the pull of the man's power as he tried to stop him. But Janos' running steps continued to take him ever closer to the edge, to the lethal drop. Without looking back Janos leapt the frame and plummeted into the abyss below.
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Ow...I think my heart just snapped...it was so painful to write that scene. He was in so much agony he could take it anymore! :(
What do you think's happened? Is Janos actually gone, or will he miraculously survive? Please leave a review, I must know what you think of it so far!
Thank you AGAIN so much for reading! I'm going to start posting another story of mine, "Faithless", also starring Janos; so this story MAY be put on a hold for a little while. But if you wish me to continue now, please tell me so in a review or even PM me! Hope you have a wonderful day, and THANK YOU!