"What does that mean?" Howle asked. "I don't know if I should feel special or insulted."

"Okay." the Sorting Hat said out loud. "What have we got here?" Minutes of tense silence passed. "Oh!" it remarked in her head.

"Hm?"

"The both of you! You have almost the same mind! Ever more scheming! Cunning of Slytherin, Loyalty of Hufflepuff; I'm assuming you are Howle, the Intellect of Ravenclaw, and the Nerve of Gryffindor!" The Hat muttered to itself for a few moments. "No, no! You can not be in Ravenclaw!" it exclaimed. "There are a select few in Gryffindor…" the Hat thought in her mind. "Disastrous…" it muttered. Dahlia wore an expression of confusion and amusement.

"Look, I'm sure you're always right and all, but can we hurry this up, maybe?" The Sorting Hat ignored this comment with a righteous indignancy.

"Hufflepuff or Slytherin?" it asked in her head.

"Ummm…..Hufflepuff table is all the way over there!" Howle complained. "And that grease ball with the nose pushed Dahlia over. I want Gryffindor."

"That was not one of the-"

"Gryffindor, or Ravenclaw." she challenged mentally.

"GRYFFINDOR!" the Hat shouted. Victoriously, Howle set the hat back on the stool and took her seat at the Gryffindor table across from her cousin. The old man at the front stood and held his hands out for silence.

"For those of you who were not present or paying attention, your house heads!" Four of the professors arose form the table at the front and walked to their house tables. Howle didn't hear any of their names, excepting 'Professor McGonagall'. The same woman, Deputy Headmistress, she had spoken so brashly to.

"Oh my dear merciful gods of all that I know…." she muttered to herself. Howle turned around to face Dahlia, who wore that look that said 'I-told-you-you-should-have-given-a-different-false-first-impression'.

"Now--the Feast!" The old man proclaimed loudly. Howle and Dahlia opened their cases and pulled out small blue marbles, inserting one into their respective ears. Dahlia pushed lightly on her left ear.

"I told you you should have given a different false first impression." Howle heard Dahlia say.

"How did I know you would say that?"

"Because I'm awesome."

"That makes no sense. Hey, when we were on the carriage, why did that Snape kid call me black?"

"Wasn't that the name of one of the others?"

"The ones who had to walk? Wait…wait…wait a sec…it's coming to me…Oh, yeah! Sirius, I think… Potter was the other one."

"Potential allies?" Dahlia asked.

"Potential targets." Howle offered. "Remus was nice, though."

"So shall we delegate-"

"Peter?"

"Agreed." they said in unison.

"I'd like to nominate Severus Snape." Howle said.

"Perhaps." Dahlia replied.

"I don't think I like this food."

"Why not?"

"This…pasta…smells like that potion I messed up." Howle cringed as she sniffed her food. Kiwi jumped up to her shoulder.

"Can I have it?" he asked.

"You may."

"Oh, look Howle." Dahlia said. "The newest potential victims have arrived." She looked toward the door. The old woman met them at the door and said something to them. As she left, they began walking toward the table. Remus was shaking his head while Peter hung his. James looked amused, while Sirius actually appeared to be proud. "Hey, I think they're Gryffindors."

"Hey, I think you can sit over here. Every one else is moving around." Dahlia glanced around and removed the marble from her ear, replacing it in her case. She woke up Queso and walked the distance between the tables to sit next to her cousin. Howle slid over.

"So when should we start work on the map?" Dahlia asked.

"Soon as we can. Well, probably next week."

"Right. That's the full moon, right?" Queso got on the table next to Kiwi.

"Yes. No one should be outside. Y'know, for fear of werewolves." Howle flicked a pea, which hit an unsuspecting Slytherin on the head.

"Miss Druze…" The cousins turned to find McGonagall behind them. "Two weeks from Wednesday, you have detention. Congratulations; you've managed to receive a detention before Mr. Potter or Mr. Black."

"What can I say; I'm just special like that." Howle looked surprised for a moment, as if an epiphany jumped out and said 'Surprise!'. "Damn, I made it through a sentence without saying 'shit'!" Dahlia elbowed her.

"My dear cousin hasn't yet taken her medicine today. Please, Professor, she won't say it again." Howle opened her mouth, but Dahlia elbowed her again.

"Very well. See to it." She walked away. Howle leaned back to make sure she was gone.

"Hey, I see them!"

"Who?"

"Black and Potter!" Howle turned back to her cousin. "How dare he!"

"Who?"

"Snape! Do you see Black's hair?! How could that…what is it here…git compare us, let alone confuse us!" Dahlia, recognizing another silly campaign, agreed. After all, the ridiculous ones were always the best.

"We should do something." Dahlia said. Howle's brain took a moment- a short moment, but a moment nonetheless- to present the level of ridiculousness, but she quickly dismissed it.

"Yes! Come on." She and Howle marched down to their unsuspecting schoolmates. In a fit of absurd pride and irked common sense, Howle informed the two they were coming with her or they would awaken covered in a humiliating shade of scales. She dragged them toward the Slytherin table.

"What is this about, Sirius?"

"How should I know, mate? I didn't do anything to her. I haven't even seen a Slytherin until now!" He thought of the comments they called after Severus earlier.

"She's on a hair campaign." Dahlia said from behind them, bemused.

"A what?" came the confused reply in unison.

"Howle feels her hair is superior to yours," she replied, pointing at Sirius, "and Severus Snape accused her of being you under disguise of a Polyjuice Potion."

"Ha ha! You were confused with a girl!" James laughed.

"Well, Potter," Dahlia said, "he accused you of being me. Or, the other way around, rather." James's laughter paused.

"Yeah, but Snape got them confused!" He laughed harder.

"Severus Snape!" Howle yelled, "I demand an apology!" The greasy-haired teen turned to see the insane girls from the carriage and Sorting, and the leaders of the Marauders.

"For what?" he spat. The fear in his voice was obvious.

"How on earth could you get me confused for him?!" Howle pointed at Sirius. "My hair is so much straighter and blacker and shinier!" Dahlia leaned forward.

"Dear, I don't think 'shinier' is a word." Howle hissed in response. Dahlia remained unperturbed.

"Wait," Sirius said, "you thought she was me because of our hair? My hair is clearly superior!"

"Yeah right! You wouldn't know a brush from your fingers!"

"Well, you wouldn't know grease from shampoo!" Dahlia stepped back, eyes wide. James retreated back as Sirius drew his wand, but it was too late. Sirius had choppy blonde hair with randomly placed neon streaks.

"Hmph!" James looked between the insane newcomer and his newly-saloned best friend. Howle started to walk away, but turned. "And you can apologize to my cousin for knocking her down." She left. Sirius cast a silencing charm on James so as to cease his echoing laughter. Then he threw a spell at the retreating Howle, who raised her wand, sending it across the great hall to an on looking Hufflepuff. Severus looked around, frightened.

"I-I'm sorry! Forgive me, please; if there's anything I can ever do…I apologize for pushing you!"

The latest installment in this bizzarely entertaining crack-fed work of literary achievement. I hope you enjoyed it.

-S