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Chapter Three

Every once in a while, she would get a bad dream, but like the good, it wouldn't survive long after she awoke.

She knew she was hiding, but she could no longer remember what it was she was hiding from.

There was a block of time she was missing, her friend and therapist said it was about six, possibly months' worth of memories that she had successfully erased but when she was asked the how or why…there were no answers.

"Are you ready to try something to get your memories back?"

"I forgot them for a reason Asha. Don't you think it would be wise to let sleeping dogs lie? I think there is a lot of damage those memories can cause. What if I'm not strong enough to deal, what if I can't forget them, once I remember them?"

"Elizabeth, I can't even imagine what you would have had to go through in order to forget that large of a time frame. We know you've never had a head injury and we know your younger years weren't ideal, but they weren't the cause of this type of amnesia."

"Is that what we are calling it?"

"It could be Dissociative Amnesia or Lacunar Amnesia, but that isn't saying that is what you are suffering from, just a possibility. Liz, you've been hiding for so long, it has become a latent ability.

With tears in her eyes, Elizabeth fled the room. People didn't understand. How could they when she herself didn't. Something big happened, of that she was sure.

With a deep feeling of emptiness, she ran to the only place that made her feel calmer, her lost little girl statue. She never thought of it as anything else, for some reason, it was always 'hers'.

Many hours had been spent beside it, on occasion she ventured into the wooded area, but this statue resonated within her.

"They don't understand, no one does, and I don't understand their determination. It's my memories; it is something that happened to me, something I have obviously done my best to forget. Can't they understand that they just make things worse?" She said to the little girl.

As her eyes grew heavy, she allowed herself to slip into what she hoped would be a dreamless sleep.

*Dream*

The truth is complicated, forgive me.

Three months and she still awoke to the same image. Why she continued to do this to herself, she wasn't sure, but her heart wouldn't let her give up completely. Every night before she went to bed, she placed his note on the pillow beside her and just before sleep would claim her, she'd wish fervently that this was the dream and once she woke, she'd be back in his arms.

"Do you really think it is wise for you to go traipsing around the world, especially after your latest issues?" Her mother asked.

"I think I need to do what is best for me and staying here with you and the rest of the family isn't what is best for me. If you think the sun rises and sets on Lucky Spencer, then you have a relationship with him. I'm not interested."

"Where did we go wrong with you? This is a good match. He will be a good husband, he brings a lot to the marriage, and our assets will once again climb when you take your rightful place-"

"No mother. You will not barter me into a loveless marriage. You did that with Sarah and look at where she is now. I can't do this, I won't. Find another way to make your millions, because I refuse to sell my body to your highest bidder to garner you what you want."

"You've always been ungrateful. I don't know how we ever raised an ungrateful little bitch like you."

"If I'm a bitch, what does that make you? My pimp?"

Refusing to be pulled into another argument that would get them nowhere, Elizabeth grabbed a few items that she wanted and left. There would never be a day when the family saw her as a person and not a broodmare; it was time she ventured out on her own, again.

She vowed, she'd never step foot in Colorado again.

XxXxX

It wasn't more than a week after arriving in the small city of Port Charles that she discovered she was pregnant. Pregnant with 'his' child and she didn't know where he was or even his last name, just…Jason. How could she possibly be pregnant?

Life wasn't supposed to work like this. Why would it give her a piece of the only man she had ever loved and then ripped it away before she'd even had a chance to digest the information?

A week…seven days was all she was afforded before her whole world was ripped anew.

One hundred and sixty-eight hours, a mere ten thousand and eighty minutes after the happy if not slightly distressing news, she was in the hospital, beaten and raped and her baby no more.

The last connection besides a sheet of paper that grew more faded by the day, was now gone. Ripped from her womb before she even had the chance to enjoy it, because she had fallen in love the moment she knew of its existence, of that there was no doubt.

Twice she had dared to love and twice her hopes and dreams had been ripped away from her. How do you survive a love like that and then survive the aftermath? She couldn't even comprehend the rape; it was just another thing to pile on her shoulders, to weigh her down until she wasn't sure she could ever get up again.

*End Dream*

XxXxX

Elizabeth woke with a silent scream. Her face covered in wet tear tracks. For a moment, it all came rushing back. Everything she had been trying to forget was right there, the memories in her grasp, until the metal trap that her memories resided in, came slamming back down.

This…

She refused to go there; the past was called that for a reason. It was done and over with. The strength of her words were belied by the overwhelming fear she felt at the prospect of remembering.

"Time to move on, time to rediscover life." Elizabeth said to the girl.

She spoke it with feeling but even she didn't believe it. Life was for those who lived, not those who merely existed.

"I need a sign, something to tell me that it hasn't all been for naught. Lost little girl, did you ever discover the secrets to life and happiness?"

Thank goodness no one ventured out here anymore, otherwise she'd be locked up and the key thrown away.

XxXxX

"Jason, I don't think this is a good idea. We leave tomorrow morning, you shouldn't be going on a mission alone. Do something, anything…you need to fight this. I don't know why, but I think Sonny's got ulterior motives for sending you."

"Marco, I'm not a deserter. When I took off for those four days…look what happened to me, look what happened to all of us. We got lucky and that's saying something considering we were all injured."

"I feel it in my bones, you go on this mission alone and your luck won't hold out."

"I still don't understand how you were not called a deserter then, how did Sonny pull that off?"

"Told his boss he gave me a few days off or something. I don't know how he spun it that only I was given a short leave but, nothing ever came of it."

"You still don't remember anything from that time?"

"Not a thing, although…I keep having these dreams but I wake up and if there were memories entwined, they vanish shortly after. It is almost like trying to hold water in a colander…"

"Maybe you aren't meant to know what happened during those few days and we've filled you in on everything that happened in the months following."

"It's one thing to be told what happened in your own life and another to know them for fact. Listen Marco, this is my last mission, after this I am going home and…"

"Think Sonny will allow you to leave? Jason, you are an amazing soldier. Your marksmanship is beyond anything they've seen in a hundred years, maybe even ever. Your calm and cool demeanor under pressure is unrivaled. Your men will go to their deaths because they trust you and want to walk beside you. Sonny is a greedy little troll and the likelihood that he'll let an asset like you go free…"

"Jason, you need to listen to Marco. Francis and I were talking with Cody, we'll do anything possible, but once we're home, I don't know how much good we can really do."

"I'm listening, trust me, I am but you guys know, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I refuse this mission, I'm dishonourable discharged, if I go on this mission, they could possibly end up sending my family a purple heart and my body…"

Jason knew talking about this just increased the risk of him never making it back. The walls were thin here and had many ears. "Marco's right, Sonny is a greedy man and I agree, something smells about this mission but it is what it is."

"Jason-"

"I know, I'll watch my back and do my best to make it home. I'll be seeing you in Port Charles when this is done."

They could talk about this until they were blue in the face but it wouldn't change what was. He knew he'd probably have more than enough time to think in the coming days but he needed to center himself, he needed something that he couldn't define, possibly, something he couldn't remember.

"I'll see you guys later, I need…I'll talk to you soon."

With sure and quick steps, Jason left the room. His team were the best out there, but it was time they went home.

Francis had a wife and little boy waiting for him. Marco was just waiting to get home before he proposed. Johnny was soon going to be married. They had a life outside of the military, Jason, he had family but a personal life was pretty much non-existent.

There'd been women that had passed through his life, mostly his bed, but no one who had captured his heart and made him think of settling down. 'Why does that feel like a lie?' His inner self asked.

Privacy wasn't something you could find much of in the desert but Jason was determined to put some distance between him and the demands those higher up placed upon him.

XxXxX