Part Three: Gemna Knows Best
It was Thursday night, and they were all back at the Coven and enjoying the pub quiz. It was an odd Thursday though, as both Gemna and Ibiki were not present, but Anko was and she was laughing about everything again. She'd been with her recent boyfriend earlier in the week, and they had been getting up to mischief whilst she had been at Ibiki's house! She had been doing her usual thing of running around with her top off and jiggling with the bloke of her choice, and then Ibiki had turned up. Immediately the bloke had been pushed into a broom closet and tied and gagged so he would not make a noise. He'd also had a cork shoved up his trousers in case he farted. Anko had not needed to get changed though, Ibiki had grown up seeing her flash every group of people that had passed their house, including a group of monks who'd thrown cash at the window when she'd started dancing. So he had just assumed nothing, but been a little confused when his departure was saluted by the sound of a popping cork, which Anko had not explained.
"He's always busy with work these days! He's not even going to be doing the first part of the Chuunin exam, Shikamaru is! Yet he's preparing the documents and cleaning up the entire offices! You'd think his mother-in-law was visiting, and he doesn't even have one! Not only that but on Monday he was mopping up the blood in the interrogation rooms; whilst we were still interrogating! I mean he was wearing that pink frilly apron too! Someone needs to kick him back into his fearsome side; now most of the prisoners tend to leap away in case he tickles them with his sparkly blue feather-duster!" Yamato snorted gently as he squiggled a few random answers on the quiz sheet as Anko explained the whole situation over the voice of the question-master. He looked ill today, but that was only because he had been doing training with Naruto and ended up covered in ramen in front of a very nasty group of dogs that had just chased him till he'd run into Kakashi and left him to be licked to death.
"This just proves my point, he needs a Girl! I mean, the last time Ibiki had a girlfriend it went bad because he worked too much and she got neglected. Then the second one was one of his old ANBU friends, and she died on a mission in his arms! He wouldn't do any work for three weeks because he was grieving all the time! Then the other one was just before he had the craters added to his head and she ran away when she saw how many scars he had! Don't get me wrong, his body's pretty good looking and well cared for, but his face and head is the creepy bit!" Anko snorted in response, uncaring as to how horrible she sounded about the whole situation. She was then suddenly punching Yamato aside as she grabbed the pencil and squiggled down an answer to the next question. As she was wearing little more then a body stocking, a pair of thongs (or string, no one was sure), and a very short scrap of black leather skirt, those table groups behind her were suddenly stuck staring at her and ignoring the question.
"That's really, really MEAN Anko! I mean, sure he can get carried away in work but its not as though he hasn't tried getting a girlfriend since then, he just thinks he's too old now! I mean, we all know he's a little nervous of women because of his old head things! That and he really wants to settle down and start a family, and for some reason girls don't want to settle down with anyone in our lines of work. That, and Kotetsu, could you please get your hand out of my pocket when I'm not wearing pants underneath my trousers!" Izumo growled angrily at his constant companion as poor Kotetsu tried hard to find his keys, which he'd leant to Izumo for Izumo's lady-friend that evening! At this point Shikamaru had found himself ignoring the whole thing and staring nervously at Asuma, who was having a lot of trouble trying to light a cigarette.
"Yeah… On the subject of the pot-holes in his scalp, where the hell did he get them from again? Only I thought he said something about Blood Country? But I never paid much attention because the burn marks and everything mixed up on there sort of makes it look like a deranged kind of pottery! Only, if it is Blood Country, well didn't we just add them to our list of allies on Tuesday?" Shikamaru muttered nervously as he looked toward the older members, which now included two of the usually unmentioned members of the interrogation department that had been through the academy with the others, not to mention tonight had included Ebisu and Ino's father, Inochi.
"That's right Shika! He did get them in Blood Country…. And they have been accepted as allies now…. And it was one of their elite torturers who performed it on Ibiki too… They also have a death warrant out for him that we can't override or prevent, and that's because he escaped! Wasn't it a kind of trepanning they did to him which made the holes? Won't this mean they'll want to kill him? Isn't his old torturer one of the names on the list of 'team-leader' group things we were reading?" Yamato muttered nervously as he reached about for his two drinks. Shikamaru watched with confusion, as Yamato drank one pint of beer and then quickly scoffed a drink of some strangely bright blue liquid that smelt like sugar!
"You're just making the whole situation sound worse there, Yammy! I mean, as far as we're aware that whole incident is in the past and unlikely to be mentioned again! But did we ever tell you how he got the marks, Shika? It's a pretty funky story… and I know the answer to this one!" Anko shrieked in delight as she grabbed the pencil again and then turned around to punch Yamato a second time and then stare Shikamaru in the face. "Right, they were chasing some subjects and Rogue-nin from Water country and they moved into Lightning Country and then out onto the Burning Fields, a great big larva field that's really hard to pass if you don't know how. Well, there were three other blokes with Ibiki and they ended up getting caught by some freaky looking blood-lovers that were not nice. These guys had not seen Konaha ninja before and just decided they'd be good to interrogate. The other bloke that got out, whose now hiding in a cave in the mountains trying to attract a female tortoise with his long toe-nails, he said that it was like being probed by aliens, completely weird and they were all in strange head gear! Then the other guy died when he was going through one of the tortures, one which Ibiki and the other dude, 'Chaz' managed to survive. Then they decided Ibiki hadn't made a cry of pain, let's put him through his paces. Apparently he went through their very worst torture kinds, including the worst which was the trepanning style; they drilled marks into his skull and tried to see if they could absorb his brain juice or something weird! But one of the top people got a little worried and set the pair free. Turns out this freak was a young lady who was quite fond of Ibiki and decided she'd let him go, even though she had her ass kicked for it! They're not fond of women in Chi."
"So… If I'm hearing this right, it means that Ibiki was tortured by the best-of-the-best in Blood Country and that this person actually let Ibiki free? I'm also hearing that this person was a woman and really fancied Ibiki, hence the releasing thing, and that now she's controlling a team that will be entering the exams too…. Is it me, or do you think that Ibiki might know this and that's why he's panicking? I mean, surely he's nervous because he might see an old fancier again?" Shikamaru questioned nervously, a finger raised and making circles in the air as he tried to figure out this complex puzzle. Only whilst doing so did he notice how Anko's eyes had fixated upon it and she was following it around the room!
"I repeat; 'they're not fond of women in Chi', from what I heard she was tied up in a public square and people could beat the hell out of her or throw stuff! I doubt they'd enjoy something like that and so she probably wants revenge on Ibiki!" Anko growled with annoyance as she found herself fighting with Asuma to answer a question. The two were suddenly growling and pushing about as they leaned over the table, and everyone quickly picked up their glasses and waited for a bar fight to ensue, but luckily Asuma gave up and Anko punched him in the nuts.
"Howdy-do everybody! Who's ready for some fun? I've got my two best girls here and they're looking for some action…" Shikamaru grimaced at the elongated words swirling out of Gemna's mouth. He turned around and looked toward the door of the pub, which had suddenly shut up, and there Gemna was… Yes, the wonderfully insane 'Pimp' had appeared and he had obviously forgotten what and where he was. For Gemna had arrived in a striped blue suit, with the top jacket open to show off a fluorescent pink under-shirt. Over this he was wearing a giant white furred coat that looked like he'd skinned Akamaru, which would not have surprised his friends. Then on his head was a giant hat and loads of brightly covered and fake, feathers hanging over his face. He was wearing sunglasses, had gold teeth, half a ton of gold jewellery, and a diamond ended cane in his hands. He stood posing in the door way, and everyone looked scared.
"Oh God! What the hell are you playing out you idiot? Get those tramps out of this place and change, God damn it!" Yamato growled as he picked himself up off the floor, this time he'd been knocked out by a direct forehead hit from Anko's cleavage! He looked like he was in pain as he strained to not gawk like everyone else. Anko was jumping up and down beside Gemna and was suddenly leaping onto one of the two girls, which were both very beautiful and not wearing much that stood behind him. This girl she was suddenly comparing top sizes and shops with, whilst the other girl continued to massage the seemingly frozen Gemna's shoulders. Gemna was just ignoring Yamato, but Izumo had suddenly fainted.
"Um… Izumo, wasn't that your girlfriend you were supposed to be meeting this evening? Izu… Izumo, old buddy?" Kotetsu muttered under his breath as he looked at the girl with Anko, and then he turned. Izumo was on the floor staring up into space with a look of horror. Kotetsu was suddenly very afraid and grabbed Ebisu's cocktail and poured it into Izumo's face. This earned him a punch to the face from Ebisu and Kotetsu landed beside his friend. He turned to his friend and then muttered nervously, as everyone around him tried to get back to normal. "At least she knows about what to expect of men…"
"Hey Gemna, what you been up to lately? Listen, we've got a little request for you, and we'll be paying good money! That and it's for a very good cause and needs to be done before the Chuunin exams in two weeks!" Anko barked suddenly as she left the girl alone and shuffled alongside Gemna to his seat. Gemna looked at her with a smug expression, though it was hard to see because his sunglasses were shaded green and Anko was blind to green things, though no one knew why. Anko looked toward her friends, grinned manically and then nodded her head several times before punching Gemna's shoulder so he fell out of the chair. "We want you to get a suitable and 'nice' girlfriend for Ibiki!"
The others turned and stared at Anko in horror! What was she thinking? Even the two friends on the floor stood up with their mouths open and stared at her. Even Ebisu looked surprised, though that could have been because Gemna's two girls were suddenly making out near the entrance and most other men were looking that way. The whole pub quiz had been abandoned and even Shikamaru found himself surprised at what Anko had just asked. Why would she ask Gemna to do it? It was quite obvious that Gemna knew nothing about women… Except that he had gone through the 'meet your feminine side' courses, had majored in female biology, ran the PMS Crisis hotline for Konoha, hosted the introduction to pregnancy nights, and sorted out relationship problems for people. Apart from those things, which actually made no sense to most of the other men present, Gemna was a pimp who knew nothing about women and was considered a nymphomaniac. There was no way he could find a girl for Ibiki that would not be one of his 'bitches', and for a moment even he seemed to think that.
"Intriguing…." Gemna thought as he licked his lips and pressed a finger to his nose, tapping it in thought. Gemna lifted up one of his legs and began to stroke Inochi's face with it, making him faint from the smell, as well as the horror. Then Gemna got up and paced around his friends, looking at each one which was shocked into silence, and then he sat down again, steppling his fingers and closing his eyes… at least assumedly closing his eyes. "I must think this over…"
They stared nervously at Gemna; unsure what on earth he was planning inside his head. They watched his eyes, which flicked at every woman present, and even onto a few of the guys. They all drew away with fear, but they also looked at Anko who was now trying to grope her own boobs and had attracted Gemna's attention. Instead the horny proctor sighed as though it were such a troublesome thing to do, and he quickly groped her bosom for her, making Anko give out a funny little squeak before grinning. Then Gemna turned away, eyed his two girls up, and then looked to the ceiling as he thought it over and every girl he knew….
"I'll do it!" He suddenly stood up triumphantly upon the table top and pointed a finger out. This finger he quickly burnt on a chandelier candle and he leapt off the table squealing like a sissy girl, licking the burnt appendage. But then he stood up after jabbing it into Yamato's ear to help cool it, which made Yamato scream in horror as he experienced the 'safe' kind of wet-Willie from Gemna. Then Gemna cleared his throat, straightened up, posed seriously for a second so that all the girls in the pub swooned, and then he placed his toothpick back to its usual place in his mouth. But as he gave a glorious speech, his mind did its usual wandering and he went completely off the subject at several points and made a lot of people feel sick. "Damn straight I'll do it! Don't you fear, little lady and dudes; I'll take this mission on for free! I owe Ibiki a lot and I too have noticed his need for a good shag in a back alley, which he will enjoy just like I enjoyed one with Tsume last night! That's right, I tamed the terrifying and unsatisfied lady, and her husband too! That's right, Ibiki needs to realise he can get a women, despite the freaky ash-tray holes in his melted skull, which even I feel a little vomit-ridden when staring at! I will go out to the best nightclubs and strip clubs and hookers in Konoha and find him a girlfriend! I will do the impossible and create love for the greatest interrogator around, or my name isn't Gemna, the 'Horny Proctor Pimp of Cupid', oh yeah!"
"Hey you bastard! You're that git that shagged my wife during our divorce proceedings! I'll kill you!" A random and large man amongst the pub crowd leapt up and screamed at Gemna. Shikamaru ducked, as a very large sharp object was chucked at Gemna, but the horny proctor dodged it to and suddenly grabbed Shikamaru by the shoulders, winking at him suggestively and slipping him a card with his number. Shikamaru went as pale as a ghost and he was soon knocked out by a random boot thrown at Gemna by Izumo. Within twenty seconds of Shikamaru falling on the ground, a massive riot broke out amongst the pub. There was a lot of violence and even nudity as Anko streaked around the pub and even ran out into the street and terrified Neji as he walked past on his way to a date. As for the bar fight itself, well it resulted in everyone involved being arrested and held overnight, which made Inochi look really bad, and half the bar got burnt down….
Next Time – Part Four: Unlucky Balls
Sorry Ibiki wasn't in this part, but we wouldn't want him to know about their plan, now would we? Plus I'm so sorry this is very late, I've been very busy with my college work.
It's been three days, and Gemna thinks he's found someone, but Ibiki has no idea what's going on. Instead he's been forced into a 'crystal ball' session hosted by Gai… Who forced him in? Well, Anko didn't really want to be alone and Gai can get a little too into his whole future-reading stuff, including dressing as a woman. So, what terrible things will the crystal ball reveal? Why is Shikamaru turning up to Ibiki's house with a box of baby animals? And who is the girlfriend selected by Gemna?