Okay chapter three. Things start picking up in the next chapter or so, I promise.

Authoress: What do you think? Interesting? Bleh? So-so? Tell me what you think! Reviews make a writers day. Yikes, I gotta get out of here. An insane Azog thinks I am the reason that his arm got chopped off. And some how I released the Witch King! I have the feeling the White Council wont be to pleased about this. Ugh oh, gotta run.

Chapter Three - Day Two of an Indescribable Adventure

I awoke to someone kicking my ribs. "We'll leave you behind Missis," drawled a voice. Fili's voice. I leaped up with a strangled shriek, "No crossing the

line," I yelled, "or I'll, I'll…" I rubbed my eyes and stared into the bemused faces of the three youngest. "Sorry," I muttered, rolling my bedroll up. Zeebus?

Did I really have to make a scene this early in the morning? I really hate waking up early, but I felt bad for scaring the stuffing out of cute little Ori. I mean,

he was shaking, poor little guy. "The line is private property," I said in as stern a voice as possible, "offenders will have a most severe punishment." "Like

what?" said smartmouth Blondie, "a kiss?" "I will cut off all your pretty little hair," I said in as menacing a tone as possible, "braids, beads, and all. I will

make you balder than Dwalin!" Ori looked ready to faint. I couldn't keep the grim act up, and we all started laughing. Thorin looked up, and I became the

recipient of his by now famous glare. He and Dwalin had a whispered conference, and they both stalked over to where I and the three boys were still

laughing. "Before we go any further I need to know if you will be a hindrance or a help," he said in a magnimous and stuffy voice. "Probably a bit of both,"

I said snarkily. "Axe or sword?" he barked. "Neither," I said in the same tone. "Then leave," and he turned to stalk away. "She has a bow," Kili said

hurriedly. "And throwing knives," added Fili. "And these dainty little axes," squeaked Ori. Thorin sighed angrily, while I fixed the lads with an angry glare of

my own, "Digging through my pack?" They just shrugged unrepentantly. "Lets see you skills then," said Dwalin. I sighed, threw water in my face, tousled

and fluffed my hair, and picked up my bow. Dwalin drew a target on a tree and stepped to the side. I aimed and fired. You are probably getting ready to

congratulate me on the great shot, right? Well, sorry. I missed the tree entirely. Two more such shots like that, and I was angrier than a disturbed hornet,

and Dwalin had an evil smile on his face. Hey, I am a pretty good shot, but with critics like Thorin, Dwalin, and three mischievous boys, and an audience of

dwarven warriors, I was way out of wack. "Let Kili show you how its done before you pack your things and get out of here," said Thorin. Kili gave me an

apologetic smile, and whiz, bullseye. I gave Thorin a puppy dog face. "Last chance to show me something spectacular," he said in a bored tone. I sighed,

then saw Gandalf looking at me intently. H e just winked. I fired, and bingo, my arrow was right beneath Kili's. Thorin's face was one of astonishment. I

looked at the wizard and he was looking studiously away. Meddling old coot, I thought with a grin. "Move back ten feet and try again," barked Thorin.

Whiz. I split Kili's arrow. Hey, like I said, I am a good shot, but I am definitely not of the skill to split arrows. Thank you Gandalf for saving my feeble neck

from an angry dwarf's wrath. He had me throw my knives for good measure, and when they hit the target, he gave a sigh of defeat. "I assume I get to

stay?" I asked angelically. He looked at me sharply, then dragged me a little ways off for a private chat. "Stay away from my nephews," he snarled in my

ear, "I need them to have their heads on straight, and not be getting romantic ideas." "You were the one who tried to get me to ride with your oldest

nephew yesterday," I said, "if they got any ideas it would be your fault!" People don't tell Thorin Oakenshield that a potentially delicate situation is his

fault. You just don't. If you do, you are at the receiving end of his extreme wrath. Hey, Thorin is handsome, and talented, and tragic, the perfect setting for

a Byronic Hero, but he has a bad temper, and also has a very high opinion of himself. I was the victim of a rage fest, so the moral of the story is, don't tell

him its his fault. Rule No 1: Nothing is Thorin Oakenshield's fault. Rule No 2: If something is his fault, look back at Rule No 1. See what I mean? When he

finally calmed down, and gave a feeble imitation of an apology for loosing his temper, he repeated himself. "Just keep your distance," he warned. "I will

keep my distance," I said, "but its up to you to keep them away from me." I gave a grin and flounced off. "What was that all about," said Fili sliding up to

me. "Just had to clear something up," I said with a no-questions look. "You'll ride with me today, right?" He just had to ask that. Awkward. "Um, you see," I

stammered. Super Awkward. Thorin sent me another glare. "Excuse me brother," said Kili defensively, "she is riding with me." Triple awkward. Another

eye lock and something passed between them, like a silent challenge or something. If this had been in Medieval Times, I am pretty sure the equivalent to

throwing down the gauntlet had just taken place. I saw Thorin go red, and he looked for all the world like a bull ready to charge and wanting to gore

something, or in this case, someone. He looked ready to come over and bash all our heads together when Balin laid a warning hand on his arm and shook

a negative. "I'll ride with Ori till you two compromise," I said cheekily, "anyway, he's much more polite than you two scruffy, smelly, reckless BOYS." I

accented the boy part and they blushed. Ori blushed also, and this time I got behind him, letting him control the pony. I saw the two princes look

dumbfounded and I saw them have a hurriedly whispered conference. I had the feeling they were not used to being rejected. They were still arguing as

they were mounting their ponies. "Put the lads in their place," said Bofur good naturedly, (he was now my best friend after I had played their theme song

so well) "Durin knows, but they need it." Friendly conversation passed between Ori and myself about the merits of slingshots, and I commented on and off

on a slightly heated conversation between Bilbo and Bombur about the cleanliness of cooking utensils, and whether spoiled food can be used if you used

enough seasoning. I sided with Bilbo on both of the matters. On looking behind me, I could see Fili and Kili were both annoyed, and I sensed annoyance

seeping from Thorin in the front. Gandalf was also annoyingly chipper, and while I couldn't complain about him since he saved my scaly hide from being

kicked out of the expedition, he totally set off my warning bells. Something bad is totally going to happen. I was right, in a way. Suddenly, out of no where,

I was pulled of Ori's pony and deposited in front of Fili. "Excuse me?" I hissed. Now I was annoyed. "We came to an agreement," said Kili in a chipper

voice, "you ride with Fili for what's left of today, and you ride with me for the entire day tomorrow." "Does anyone seek to consult me about who I want

to ride with?" I muttered, "and has anyone bothered to consult your dear, darling, angelic tempered uncle?" The partners in crime looked at each and just

started laughing. Hello, I thought annoyed, a little support here! When Thorin turned to see why his nephews were sounding just oh way to jolly, he nearly

had a heart attack, poor guy. Gandalf, with his wizardly wisdom, was able to calm him down before he had an explosion, but barely. It got worse. Almost

every person there, with the exception of Thorin, Balin, Bilbo, and myself, were joking about the whole bloody FxMexK thing. Even Gandalf had to give a

comment. 'No Romance!' I screamed internally, I will not get involved. Absolutely no way!' I smelled of pony hair and sweat, I needed a shower, I was

uncomfortable and embarrassed, and still, no sign of a darn adventure. Nothing that even smelled of an adventure. It was nearing the day when, for no

reason, Bombur's pony took off without even a neighing goodbye. I mean, it just took off. We all followed, to find Bombur in a stream with a pot on his

head, and his pony calmly taking a drink. (In the book, the pack horse took off, and Fili and Kili were almost drowned. I diverged because those two will

be getting plenty wet in the next chapter.) Really? I nearly cried with joy: running water. I could take a bath! After getting their cook out of the water,

and all his utensils dried off, everyone started getting ready for the night. I moved down half a mile after warning everyone not to follow, on pain of

having their hair and beards scalped, and took a bath. There was a bottle of shampoo and conditioner in my pack. I shrugged off the oddity of how things

kept appearing in my bag, and proceeded to scrub myself thoroughly. I washed my clothes, changed into a clean shirt and the bodice thing, donned a pair

of soft velvet pants, and since the bodice thing was, ahem, well, different, I put on my black cloak. I left my hair down since I was tired of having it in a

braid, and returned to the camp, hanging up my dripping things on a branch. I also hung my trench up to air out, then set my bedroll as far from the

others as possible, drew my line, and walked over to the fire to get some stew. Everyone looked at me like I was a stranger. "Well Missie," drawled Dwalin,

"not so tough looking now, egh? Bet you'd be taken out in a second if we were attacked." I ignored him, poured myself a generous bowl of potato and

beef hodge podge, and moved back to my bedroll, where I began eating. I reveled in the clean feeling and the peacefulness, which was quickly ruined

when the three youngest sauntered over. "You look improved," said Kili. "Though you look beautiful anytime," said Fili, giving me one of his charming

grins. Or so he thought. Ori just blushed and nodded in agreement. "All very sweet to my ears," I said, "but Thorin is looking in our direction with royal

displeasure." "Agh, don't worry about him," said Kili, "we can handle anything he throws at us." His grin faded when Thorin and Mr. Dwalin stalked over.

"You two have the first watch," pinhead growled to Fili and Kili. Those two walked away, dragging Ori with them. "Try to remember what I said," said

Thorin in a growly tone. Seriously, does all this guy know how to do is growl when he is angry? "Hey, I am not giving them any encouragement, okay your

highness?" He looked unconvinced, but he and his enforcer swept away. I sighed in exasperation. Those four were going to be hard to manage. I lay down

but sleep would not come. Last night I was so tired I fell to sleep immediately, but know I was acutely aware of the uncomfortable sleeping arrangements.

The dwarves snoring was horrendous. I tossed and turned for awhile, then sat up with a groan. I could see Fili and Kili sitting by the fire, and a little ways

off Gandalf sat blowing smoke rings. I got up and sat next to the wizard. "What is it?" he said. "Is this a dream?" I said hesitantly, "am I really here?" "Of

course you are here my dear. How could we be having a conversation if this was a dream?" Gandalf was entirely to sassy for his own good. "I am a girl. I

cant add anything to this expedition. I am useless, dead weight, a hindrance." Gandalf raised his eyebrow, "Lady Galadriel is far wiser than me, and many

thousands more wiser than you. Everything shall be worked out in its own time. Rest now for tomorrow is going to be a long day." I went back to my

bedroll and fell asleep.

Authoress: Pant, heave, collapse. "I think I am safe for the moment. Let me tell u, its no fun the running I've been doing, not fun at all. Yah, there he is.

Azog: DIE!

Authoress: If you have a complaint about your arm, take it up with Peter Jackson.

Gandalf: Poof. Whiz. Explosion. "You are Miss Jackson?"

Authoress: Nope, wrong person.

Thorin: You wrote that Azog's arm got cut off? I am so indebted.

Witch King: Time to Wreck HAVOC!

Troll 1: Who's that?

TRoll2: Can we eat him to?

Gandalf: Where did he come from. - glares at poor me- Miss Jackson, a talk.

Authoress: Sorry, I am really busy. Homework, cooking, etc. I'll take I raincheck. - I get outta there fast-

The Misadventures of the Authoress: To Be Continued...