Lyall: Oki, third chappie. Only starting this cuz my brother wants to (too lazy...). (sleeps)
Ike: Can I keep a pirate as a pet?
Mist: But it'll kiil you.
Ike: Pssh, I can do ANYTHING! (falls off of cliff)
Oscar: ...Wow.
Rhys: IKE! OH MY GOD!
Lyall: Augh, I can't rant no longer! Noooo! Anyways, Soren's STILL working on a disclaimer banner. Right, Soren?
Soren: (reading a novel too angsty for normal people that was titled "Angsty Angst for Angsty Angsting Angsters") Huh, oh, right. (goes back to reading)
Lyall: ...He's never going to do it, is he?
Ike: What was your first clue?
---
"WHAT KIND OF IMBECILIES ARE YOU?" Greil roared. Ike, Oscar, Boyd, and Rhys were standing sheepishly as Greil was lecturing them on being really stupid to ignore Titania's orders and the risks they took and stuff like that.
"Aw c'mon, Dad, at least we got out alive!" Ike moaned. "We also rescued Mist and Rolf! Isn't that good enough?"
"Yes, that's good, but you still disobeyed direct orders from a higher-ranking official!" Greil countered.
"Nu uh, Rhys was the only one that disobeyed Titania," Boyd said dumbly.
"Well, technically, but..." Titania pondered. "I did only say not to tell Ike..."
"HEY, WHY NOT TELL ME?" Ike whined loudly. "IT WAS MY FREAKING SISTER! NOT RHYS'S!"
"You let a bandit take Mist!" Rhys cried. "It's your fault!"
"Oh, and it's my fault that Rolf got kidnapped, too?" Ike snapped.
"NOOOOO! It's all Greil's fault for hiring us," Boyd smartly said.
"SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!" Greil roared. "Okay, Ike, Boyd, you two are grounded. Oscar, no more cooking. Rhys, no reading. Titania...well, you're okay. God, I'm getting a migraine." Greil left.
Suddenly Gatrie bursted through the mess hall's door (literally).
"You all, Shinon's sleeping in the horses' trough!" he shouted.
"The hell?" Boyd said, puzzled.
"Yeah, it's true!" Gatrie said. "I found him when Mist told me to check up one the horses."
"Where are Mist and Rolf, anyways?" Titania questioned.
An odd silence fell.
"Ehh, they're probably playing dolly or something in the barracks," Ike shrugged.
Greil then barged into the already shattered door. "All right, I just got a new job for you people. Apparently some pirate goons have been terrorizing this port town for some time now. Ike, I'm counting on you to lead this mission, all right?"
"Whoah, I get to lead when I'm grounded?" Ike asked. "AWESOME!"
"Oh no, you're still going to be punished, just later," said Greil. "And thanks for reminding me."
"Commander, you can't be SERIOUS!" Shinon exclaimed.
"I thought you were sleeping off a hangover," said Gatrie.
"Well, got over it," Shinon spat. "Anyways, Commander, have you gone crazy? This whelp couldn't lead a fly!"
"Hey!" Ike whined. "I can lead real good! Boyd, Oscar, Rhys, remember yesterday?"
"You sucked," Oscar said.
"..." Rhys had no comment.
"You used me as a shield!" Boyd protested.
"ENOUGH!" Greil roared (yet again...). "Okay, Shinon, since you're so scared, you can go with Ike, too. Gatrie and Titania, you two go as well. Titania, make sure the boy doesn't drown himself."
"Screw this," Shinon mumbled.
"Yes, a mission!" Gatrie said.
"Well, we should get ready then, right?" Titania suggested. The four got their battle armor on and went to Port Talma (though Shinon had to be dragged).
Eventually, after Shinon screeching about not wanting to be here, the group arrived at the port.
"Holy crap, there really ARE pirates here," Ike said, staring around.
"...You seriously have no experience, do you?" Shinon muttered.
"All right, our objective is to help the townspeople and kill pirates," Ike stated. "So...uhh, what's our plan?"
"Well, you're the commander," Shinon scoffed. "YOU have to think of something."
"That sucks," Ike grumbled. "Usually Soren would come up with something."
"Tough nails, he's not here," Shinon growled. "Now come up with something or I'm gonna shoot you. You already bug me enough living on the same continent as I do."
"Well, Shinon, wanna do our thunder and lightning maneuvers?" Gatrie asked.
"Meh, why not," Shinon replied.
"All right. Shinon, Gatrie, secure the perimeter. Me and Titania will go loot more stuff from the people," Ike said.
"Isn't it 'Titania and I'?" Gatrie pondered out loud.
"...WAIT, WE DON'T HAVE A HEALER!" Ike moaned.
"Don't worry, I brought a few extra Vul--" Titania started, but was cut off by Ike grabbing his Vulnerary and scarfing it down.
"Ah, that was good," Ike said.
"You moron, you just drank three servings of Vulnerary!" Shinon yelled. "That was your only healing resource! Now you're gonna get bad diarrhea in the next coupla hours."
"...Oh crap," Ike said. "Oh well, there will be a bathroom back at the base. Anyways, I can take Titania's. She never uses any."
"Um, okay," Titania said. "I have an Elixir, anyway."
"HOARDER!" Shinon shouted, pointing at Titania. "YOU JUST TAKE ALL OF THE GOOD STUFF, DONTCHA?"
"Ummmmm, we should start," Titania suggested.
"Okay, let's fight!" Ike shouted. Alas, the grid came up again. "Ooh, lines."
Gatrie charged at nearby bandits, scaring the crap out of them, while Shinon rained arrows on them from a rooftop. He also hit Gatrie a few times, just to see his reaction. Ike and Titania went over to the closest house (and the only house you could visit). Ike went inside.
"Hi, Nasir!" Ike greeted cheerfully.
"Ike, you're not supposed to know me yet," Nasir sighed.
"Ohh, right. Hi, person-whom-I've-never-met-before! What do I get?"
"Here, this might help, young one." Nasir handed Ike an Elixir. "Now get out." Nasir kicked Ike out onto the street.
"Okay, Ike, don't be impulsive. Give me the Elixir," Titania said.
"NOYOUALREADYHAVEONE!" Ike screamed.
"Ike, you're just going to drink it. And your diarrhea'll come faster," Titania sighed.
"MIIIINE!"
"Ugh..."
Ike and Titania saw that Gatrie was being clobbered to bits. Titania quickly grabbed Ike by the collar and rode over to Gatrie and Shinon.
"How are things holding up here?" Titania asked.
"Meh, fair enough," Shinon replied as he shot a Myrmidon.
"I need an Elixir!" Gatrie shouted. "Ike, gimme that!" Gatrie grabbed the Elixir out of Ike's hands and chugged the whole thing down. "Ah, that's better."
"Gatrie, you're not supposed to drink more than one use at a time!" Titania cried. "Now you'll get instant diarrhea."
Gatrie felt his stomach gurgle. "Oh gawd..."
"Let's use his poop as projectile weapons!" Ike suggested.
"Good idea," Shinon said. "Okay, Gatrie, try to aim your poop at the pirates on the ship."
"Aw man, this sucks," Gatrie mumbled. "Fine." Titania looked away, green with disgust.
"THUNDER!" Ike cheered. Just then, everyone in the town heard the world's most disturbing mix of gurgling and a boom. A wad of turd launched onto a guy on the ship.
"Oh, that's a SQUISHY one!" Ike said, somewhat amazed.
On the ship...
"OH GAWD!" the unlucky bandit cried in agony. "IT'S BLUE AND IT SMELLS LIKE...OH, FUCK! TOTALLY SICK, MAN!"
On mainland, Ike couldn't stop roaring in laughter, rolling around on the dirt. Shinon kept firing arrows.
"Wow, the poo's doing more damage than my arrows," Shinon remarked.
"I think it's doing more than what I'm doing!" Titania said as she slashed a Bandit.
"Guys, I'm gonna loot the ship nao, 'kay?" Ike said.
The town heard the gurgling noise again.
"IT'S COMING!" Ike screamed, ducking behind barrels. Full of beer. Unbeknownst to Shinon.
Another poop ball sailed through the air and shot down one of Havetti's men.
"Johnson, what happened?" Havetti shouted as his right-hand man was slowly getting killed by the turd.
"Tell...my grandmudda...dat I loved her," Johnson meekly whispered.
"But she's HUGE!" Havetti shrieked.
Back to Gatrie and his turds.
"C'mon, Titania, let's loot the ship!" Ike said. "Gatrie, don't kill us with poo, okay?" He and Titania started advancing to the ship. Just then, a Pegasus Knight flew on the ship, next to Havetti.
"Hey, sea monkey, you told me you knew where my brother was!" the Pegasus Knight shouted to Havetti.
"DONTCHA SEE WE'RE IN A CRISIS?" Havetti screeched at the girl.
"Fine! Hmph!" the Pegasus Knight flew off to the other side of the ship.
"Johnson, hang on!"
"But...the closest 1-Up...is five...miles away," Johnson gasped, his health being sapped by the toxic feces. "Tell my wife I loved her," Johnson added.
"YOU DON'T GOTS A WIFE!" Havetti cried.
"Then...get me one..." Johnson said before...dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnn...he died. (OMG)
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Havetti cried. "JOHNSON!!!"
Back to Shinon.
"Lemme clip that birdie," Shinon said as he shot Marcia. She fell off into the sea.
PLEASE STAND BY...
PLEASE STAND BY...
PLEASE STAND BY...
PLEASE STAND BY...
Marcia was back on the ship, except soaking wet. Ike ran up to her.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" Ike asked.
"Umm, nothing..." Marcia sheepishly said. "What are you here for?"
Ike heard his stomach gurgle. "AW GOD, WE HAFTA HURRY! Okay, I'm here to kill the bandits. You run while me and my friends distract the enemy, all right?"
"Umm, oki," Marcia agreed. "Thanks. I'll be sure to repay you sometime!" She winked and flew off on her pegasus.
"Aw gawd, I'm seasick!" Ike moaned.
"But the ship's not moving," Titania pointed out.
"HURRY!"
"R-Right!"
Ike and Titania quickly sweeped the ship deck of any remaining life.
After the battle...
"Ugh, I need toilet paper," Gatrie mumbled.
"Here's some oak," Ike said, handing Gatrie "oak" leaves.
"These don't smell like any oak I know," Gatrie muttered. After, erm, doing his duties (eww!), Gatrie made a remark.
"I'm kinda itchy now..."
"Whelp, where did you get those leaves?" Shinon asked.
"Oh, from that tree there," Ike pointed to a tree.
"...That's poison oak," Titania calmly said.
"That'd explain the itching," Gatrie said.
"Oh, I found a roll of toilet paper," Titania said, holding a roll.
"You couldn't do that a few minutes ago?" Gatrie whined.
"Guys...we NEED to go!" Ike screamed, squirming around.
"SO...IIIITCHY!" Gatrie cried. "TRANQUILIZE MEH!"
"Yesss...!" Shinon shot Gatrie with happiness.
The four went back to the base. Ike had to ride on Titania's horse, since he couldn't move, or he'd...yeah, you know.
Back at the base...
"So, how'd the mission go?" Greil asked, reading The Tellian Tabloid.
"Fair," Titania said.
"Oscar, Boyd, and the kids fell asleep, waiting," Greil said, flipping a page.
"CAN'T TALK, CAN'T TALK!" Ike screamed and ran to the bathroom. Just as he entered...
(poop noise)
"AW, NUTS!"
---
Lyall: Ugh, so creepy. (hides) Blame my brother if this chapter made you feel uncomfortable and/or squeamish.
Gatrie: That's not nice...
Lyall: Oh yeah, good news. SOREN'S IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!! (lots of small, pink hears pop up)
Soren: ... (continues reading angst book)
Lyall: And no, I don't think Soren's angsty. He does look somewhat similar to Sasuke (Naruto), though. Yay! Like once, I was trying to draw Soren, but I eventually drew Sasuke... And Kurthnaga! He looks almost exactly like Akira (Hikaru No Go)! Oh em gee! (in "creepy otaku fangirl" mode)
Oscar: Umm, okay...
Lyall: Hehe, it's 12:30 in the morning. (eye twitches) OMG I'M LIKE IKEY NAO! Speaking of which, the IkexSoren supports (NOT fan pairing) are the best. And some people think Soren's a girl. What the hell. I hate yaoi. Yuri's better, but...still...ehh. Anyways, bye.