Here's a story. For you. To read.

Note: I own nothing, not even the man next door. And the Gandy-Sara-Gimli concept belongs to my dear friend Molly.

LORD OF THE WHAT?!

The Fellowship of the String

Chapter Three

One string to rule them all

One string to find them

One string to bring them all

And in the darkness bind them

Literally.

Chapter Three

The Journey Begins

Dateline: The Tower of Orcthink. Ganflad has just revealed he is having an affair behind Sara's back.

'I'm having an affair.'

Sara spit out his coffee. 'Snirf?'

'Snirf?' Ganflad gave him a look, as he wiped some coffee off his robes, frowning in disapproval.

'Shut up. YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR?!"

'Yes.'

'With WHOM?!'

'...Mimli.'

'Sara choked again. 'Mimli?! YOU LOUSY FUCK! He's, like, a dwarf.'

'Yeah, but...damn, that is one fine ass...and hell, I'm a wizard of the grey rank. I can do whatever Ia feeeel layak.' He dropped into a Clint Eastwood accent.

'Ha! Well, I am no longer Sara the White.'

'Oh really?' Ganflad put his hands on his hips in a testing manner. 'What are ya, then?'

'Sara...of the technicolour dreamcoat!' The rainbow wizard twirled around. 'See how my coat goes whoosh?!'

'That's coo-is that spandex?'

'Dontcha like?'

Ganflad hid the amused expression on his face, while Sara danced around, forgetting about the affair, and the grey wizard danced around answering the question with honesty.

'Well?' the dancing gay wizard asked. 'What do you think?'

'Well, It's fine, for maybe New Year's ...or Jersey City...but this is Middle Earth.'

'YOu don't like it?' Sara's big eyes threatened to well up with tears.

'uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....'

'YOU DUMB ANIMAL! GET OUT OF MY TOWER! I DONT EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! I'M GONNA GO GET YOUR HOBBIT SEX TOYS AND TAKE THE STRING ALL FOR MYSELF AND LORD SALMON AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING VERY BAD TO YOU MY PRETTY!!!' Sara roared so loudly only dogs could hear.

'No, Sara, I don't like it,' Ganflad said, 'I will not have you insulting me or my meal ticket midgets. They survive this quest so I can seel them to the freak show at Coney Island.'

'Oh ho ho ho ho HO,' Sara shot back, and drew from his pocket his magik stick (ie, his wand). Ganflad drew his. 'Oh ho,' Sara breathed, 'so this is how it is, you cheating scum.'

'WHat is up your ass?' Ganflad sighed, annoyed.

'I WAS UNTIL YOU FOUND GIMLI YOU FUCKING WHORE! For this you will pay!' And with that, the two wizards began a duel.

It is now probably most appropriate to note that these wizards were quite gay, and also running for Senate in California, looking to join Monsiur Schwarceneger's troupe of 'girly men'. Therefore, what might look like a fierce, sweaty, passionate, and utterly (un) sexy duel to two gay wizards, will to us mortals probably look like a slightly altered performance of Swan Lake.

And now that we have cleared that up we must return to the present.

Sara made a swishy swish swish motion with his wand (a furry pink thing that would not have looked out of place in Carson Kressley's underwear drawer or maybe even Elton John's bedroom ::cough::) and said a fierce magic spell.

Ganflad was sent flying and spinning into the air, screaming like a nancy, as he travelled, until everything went black.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Odorf and his three hobbit companions were making the journey to Shmuckland, the home of the RandyShmucks.

They began their treacherous journey of perilous perils and dangerous dangers in the woods, a not so very dangerous place.

At daybreak, they stopped for breakfast. They ate some cram, and made some ham sandwiches. The light breakfast was followed by some coffee (naturally, Bam brought a tea pot to prepare it in) and then they had biscuits, which was followed by a traditinal pipe smoking ritual and some foot-hair brushing.

And thus, the little folk finished their breakfast and returned to their merciless road of merciless unmerciful things.

Two hours later, they stopped for second breakfast, a light meal consisted mainly of bread, jam, more coffee, apples, some fruit juice, more smoking, toast, eggs, and sausages. After this they again resumed their journey.

Chaos ensued one hour before dawn, when the little ones were due to have elevenses. This was because they had eaten all their food. And they had no money to spend at the not-so-super maket.

Thus, Odorf began to cry, and would not shut up. He cried until he could no longer cry. And then he would begin to weep. And he would weep until he could no longer weep. And then he would begin to sob. And he would sob until he could sob no more. After which, he began to wail, until Jolly slapped him smartly on the face.

This really hurt him. Not because the slap was painful. But because Odorf was a weenie.

And thus he cried some more.

In fact, he did not stop crying until he realized he had forgotten what he had been wailing hysterically about in the first place.

That, and he and Trip had spotted some mushrooms.

Odorf, Trip, Jolly, and Bam ran over to the mushrooms and began to pick them up hungrily.

Bam bit into one, savouring the aroma of that sweet, delicious fungus that all smart people except hobbits- that all smart people seemed to stray away from.

Trip and Jolly began fighting over a particularly large one, and Odorf sat people sniffing his shroom.

He paused suddenly-mid sniff. The scent was rather familiar. He looked to his left. Trip smelt it too. 'Do you smell that?'

'Yes, Ii-OH BAM! That's nasty!' The latter cried.

'It wasn't me! He who smelt it dealt it!' Bam cried.

'Yeah, Trippin, fool of a hobbit.'

'NO YOU FOOLS!' Odorf cried in exasperation. 'It's not Bam's indigestion we're smelling....well, it could be, but what I mean is, these mushrooms are from a farm....and not just any farm. JOHN BOMBADILL'S FARM!'

Jolly dropped his mushroom. 'Really? No kidding. Let's barge in on him and demand a bath and some food.'

Odorf shrugged. 'Sounds good. Let's go.'

He began to pick up his things, as did his companions.

'Wait,' Trip cried, seeing he'd soon fall behind. 'Let's just get the rest of these mushrooms.'

'Yeah, ok.'

And thus the chapter ends with the hobbits arriving safely at Monsieur Bombadill's farm. They ate, drank, bathed, and were merry. In fact, they even sang a bathing song. And a pipe song. And a beer song.

And then, it was time to go to sleep, if they meant to set out the next day for Brie. John Bombadill told them a bedtime story as the four midgets snuggled together on the floor.

He began a story of what he did that day. '...and after that I had breakfast, and then I made a cake, and walked my dog, and went home, and then I took some Pepto Bismol, you know how it is with an older man's digestion and all, and then I had some heartburn, but oh my, I almost forgot.

'The strangest thing happened this morning while I was getting the paper off my doorstep. I suppose I was going to fetch it a bit earlier than I normally did, because I saw the deliverer riding up, when normally I missed seeing him at all.

'And this morning was the strangest. I never knew what my paper hobbit looked like, but I'm sure this wasn't him. A figure dressed in red. Seemed without a face, but riding a pretty pony, came and handed me my paper. The sight of this....red riding hood-' John spat the word hood with disgust.

'The sight of this....red rider hood scared me so shiteless, I couldn't even shit my pants, let alone scream. So then, when I least expected anything of this transaction, except maybe to be eaten alive on the spot, he hissed at me the words, 'SHmiiiire .......Sackinsss......'

'There be no Sackinses around here. You...you're mistaken,' I said. The pretty pony of the rider snorted at me, and then they left after that dirty animal took a bite out of my petunias.'

Odorf gasped. 'Not your petunias! That dumb animal!'

John sniffed sadly. 'And my begonias too.'