3.
On either side of my Bella, instead of seeing my hands, I saw PAWS!
I screamed in horror, which of course sounded like an animal in serious pain, and leapt away from Bella, cowering in the corner by the window, debating seriously on leaping out and running away. I realized at the same time, to my even greater horror, that I now heard the rest of the pack hooting in delight at what they'd overheard. I winced as the roar, "ENOUGH!" that could only have come from Sam, made even my head hurt, and was thankful that his order silenced my screaming as well. I heard him order them to phase back immediately. I am just outside if you need me, Little Brother. Sam said gently in my head, and then all was quiet. I was totally panicked. I was sure
Bella had sat up as soon as I'd left the bed and was watching me. I tried to read the look on her face, which started out confused, and then changed to wide-eyed (horror?). She gasped in surprise and her hands flew to her mouth as she realized what had happened. Well, not the whole pack hearing our business part, but the "I'd turned into a wolf as I had made love to her" part. I cried and buried my head under my arm. I couldn't face her any more.
She very softly called out my name, so I looked up at her. She had left the bed and was slowly approaching me, the way one approaches a scared stray: making soothing noises, but cautious, avoiding eye contact to appear submissive in order to avoid provoking an attack. She knelt just in front of me, and continued to look at the floor. Only because I have wolf's hearing, I heard her say to herself: "Okay. I'm Bella and I'm good with weird. And…this… this is weird. It could only happen to me, right?" She looked at me, then, and I saw a flash of understanding across her face. She and fearlessly held out her hand. "Shhh, Jake. It's okay. You didn't hurt me." She too up and turned so I could inspect her. "I'm fine. Better than fine. I just didn't expect it, that's all," she crooned at me softly. I whined again but did push my head into her hand. She smiled.
I shook my head. That wasn't my problem, though on second thought, my fear had always been that I would hurt Bella when I phased, like Sam had hurt Emily. I groaned again in horror and embarrassment, for I realized Sam was still in my head too. I wanted to die.
Bella blinked, and sat up straight. "Did you say no? Do that again if you did." I shook my head. She thought a minute. "Can you nod - as in yes?" I nodded. "Hmm. Okay. I need to think. You're totally freaked out and look like you'll jump out the window and run away, but not because you thought you hurt me." After a few more seconds, she continued. "You didn't know you would phase did you?"
NO. And how is it that she can act like this is normal? I'm freaking out in here!
"And you knew you didn't hurt me?"
NO. No anger in the throes of passion, right? Isn't anger supposed to trigger the phase even if I have better than average control?
"And you know your being a wolf doesn't and has never bothered me?"
NO. Cause you're good with weird, I get it. I knew there was some reason I loved you. Still freaking out, here!
I tried talking to her but all that came out were a bunch of yips and wolf language she didn't understand so it was my turn to sit up and think. I needed to try to tell her. I patted my paw on the floor once and looked at her. I could tell by her blank expression she wasn't getting it, and I didn't blame her because I wouldn't have either. I looked intently at her the way I'd done the day in the meadow. The first time she saw me but didn't know it was me. I patted the floor once again, and then patted my chest: ME. JACOB. I even tried to say my name, "Jacob," but it came out sounding like I was choking on a bone. I then patted her chest with a paw and attempted "Bella," which actually sounded almost close. I repeated the pantomime and the words 3 times before she caught on.
"OH! Jake," patting me, and "Bella," patting her.
YES! She sat back and waited for more. I started again, scratching the floor 5 times.
"5?"
YES.
Then I scratched the floor once.
"1?"
YES. Then I scratched the floor, pointed to myself and said my version of "Jacob."
"1 Jacob."
YES. Oh help me this was so hard! Please get this.
I scratched the floor 4 more times, and motioned out to the woods, and yipped. THEM. PACK.
"You want to go outside? But what is the 4 part?" She was as confused but was really trying.
I rolled my eyes, sighed and repeated it all again, and I heard Sam chuckle and then apologize for intruding. I could use a little help here! He answered with a yip and some barks.
I could tell she got it this time. Bella's eyes widened matching my horror. "The PACK?"
YES. Now THINK, Bella. I know you can figure it out. What did I tell you about being a wolf that is cool and sucks all at the same time. I watched her work it out, talking to herself.
"Hmm. What could cause you to be upset? Wolves are brothers…they are a pack…they work together…because they hear each other they- Oh GOD no!" She stopped and I saw that she got it. "They heard in your head what we…what was going on?" The horrified look was killing me. At least we were both freaked out by now.
YES.
She closed her eyes, pressed her fingers on her temples and I heard her whisper "Pull yourself together, Bella." She took a deep breath, and then opened her eyes and looked at me. She scooted forward and put her arms around me and held me close. I put one arm (paw?) around her to hug her back and whined softly, trying to tell her it would be okay. She misunderstood. "Hey..it's okay. really. It wasn't as if I didn't already know the pack shared your head, I just didn't expect that you'd share that particular moment." I licked her cheek as that was the only kiss I could give, and sat down. She sat back again, her hands on her knees. "Is the pack still out there listening to all of this?"
NO. Thank God. I patted the floor once, and looked out the window in an attempt to tell her that only one wolf was out there. Sam yipped softly. Thanks, I said to him.
"Is that Sam outside?"
YES.
"Do you need him?"
NO. Not now, I don't think. Later, hell YES.
I could still see that she was working on the problem, trying to figure everything out. "Hang on. Didn't you tell me that you phase automatically in the presence of danger? OMIGOD is Victoria here?"
NO. Sam? (No.) I shook my head again. NO.
"So then you should be able to just phase back, right?"
Even though I was the newest to the pack, I was actually the best at changing at will. Even Sam was impressed. I thought about it, and tried, but I seemed to be stuck. I hung my head. NO. Don't worry, Little Brother, you'll phase back soon when you calm down. Rest. Then we'll talk. I sighed.
She stood and walked back to the bed and sat in the middle of it. "Perhaps if we calm down and relax, you'll phase back. I'd curl up with you on the floor, but the floor is hard. Come to the bed and cuddle. We do that all the time, that can't be too different."
I rolled my eyes. Calm down? Cuddle? Naked? After what we just did? Sure. Except that cuddling naked was bound to lead to thoughts of doing it again, which so would NOT help me calm down. I was destined to stay a wolf forever. At least she was taking all of this in stride, right? I sighed and walked over and hopped onto the bed, and lay down facing her. She snuggled next to me and lay her head under my chin, putting a leg over my body, pulling me as close as she could. I put my arm (leg?) over her and held her as close as I could, and we lay quietly for a long while.
"Jacob?"
I lifted my head and quietly whuffed at her "Yes?"
"I love you."
I smiled and licked her from chin to eyes, and lay my head down, tucking hers under my chin, and held her as tightly as I could until we both drifted off to sleep.