NCIS: LOS ANGELES

Disclaimer- I do not own NCIS: Los Angeles

CHAPTER 3

He closed her from door behind him once inside. When he turned around he found that she had traveled the distance to the other side of her apartment almost as if the distance would protect her from him. Her hair was clinging to her skin from the rain, her eyes were red from crying and she was starting to shake from the chill of the rain through her now wet clothes.

He took a step closer but she stopped him in his tracks, "Don't" she said warily wrapping her arms around her front.

"What do you want Eric?"

He eyed her carefully before speaking, "I want to know why you're mad at me."

"I'm not mad at…"

"Don't…please don't lie to me Nell." He interrupted looking down "Just a minute ago you were yelling at me to leave you alone and let go of you as if I were about to hurt you or something."

And then she immediately felt bad for her reaction towards him earlier as she now saw the look of agony cross his face. She watched him shuffle on his feet uncomfortably before meeting her gaze once again.

"You know that…I mean Nell you know I would never…I could never…" Eric stumbled with his words as a look of disgust appeared on his face at the very thought that she might think he would inflict harm upon her ever. He was absolutely incapable of doing that.

"I know you would never hurt me Eric" Nell said quickly and quietly knowing what he had thought her reaction before to have meant. She wanted to hush any concerns of his that she would think he'd ever physically hurt her, she knew he wouldn't. However emotionally was a completely different case. Emotionally he was very much capable of harming her which is why she was across the room from him now, she needed the distance. It was her only protection for her heart at the moment.

He seemed to relax a bit at her admission but was still not comforted at the way she stood with her arms across her chest in a defensive posture towards him.

"So what's going on, why are you mad at me, what did I do?"

Silence

"Nell please talk to me…you obviously want to talk or else you wouldn't have let me in here. What's going on with you?"

Nothing again. He was about to speak when she beat him to it.

She spoke in a very fragile tone which scared Eric. This wasn't his usual Nell. "Am I worth so little to you that you couldn't even tell me that you would be leaving?"

"What are you talking about Nell, I told you I was leaving just a few hours ago." Did she seriously not remember?

"That was only because I asked you why you where avoiding me," she practically yelled "As I recall a few hours ago you were about to walk out of Ops having told everyone 'goodbye' but me!" he could see her eyes getting glassy again "If I hadn't stopped you would you have told me or would you have just left and the day after tomorrow be on a plane to wherever the hell you're going with me thinking that I was going into work to work with my partner only to find him gone? Or better yet, find a note in your place saying, 'sorry had to go fight in the freaking war be back whenever!" her sarcasm cut deep making him flinch

Eric watched as she spoke harshly at him all the while clearly holding back tears. He hadn't realized how upset she would be had he not told her. He couldn't find words to speak as it registered in him that his actions were the cause to why the woman he cared so much for eyes were filled with pain.

"Would you?" she asked sadly "Were you going to tell me Eric?" she begged him for the answer, but his eyes spoke volumes. No he had never intended on telling her of his departure. The hurt she was feeling now was unknown to her. He really didn't care. She hung her head breaking their gaze suddenly. "Eric why did you come here?" she asked defeated just wanting him to leave now and let her be downhearted alone.

He ignored her question suddenly realizing something, "Nell I think I need to explain something to you…"

"I'm not sure I want to hear it." She interrupted

He couldn't take having this conversation so far away from her anymore; he quickly closed the space between them. He thought she might move away but was glad when she didn't. "Please look at me…and just listen please….just hear me out?" he whispered. When she complied and looked up to meet his eyes he continued.

"Eight years ago I enlisted because I was at a pretty bad time in my life. I'd been in foster homes all my life and it seemed that the next one I went to was always more abusive than the last." He watched the shock play across her face for a second time that day "When it came time for college, school was the last thing on my mind, no matter if I was good at it or not. What was the point of the future if you had no one to spend it with? So I enlisted and there I found something I'd been seeking for so long. My unit…we looked out for one another, they became my family where before I had no one. The army was my home and I gladly served my time there because I knew when I came back home I'd have nobody. When they sent me home four years ago I went reluctantly, but knowing that I'd be back as soon as our mission allowed it again, I figured I could handle a year or two on my own."

Nell watched him closely, she wanted to hug him as he told her his story and of how alone he had felt. His eyes seemed so far away as he spoke of his past. She almost reached out to him but remembered that was probably the worst thing she could do right not. While he may be in pain from the thought of his past, she was in pain right now because of him. She couldn't allow herself to give in.

"When I got back almost immediately I got a call from Hetty for a job interview." She saw him smile at this, "The force had assured me that when I returned home they'd help get me a job and it turned out that my unit leader had made some calls to NCIS and told Hetty of my skills with computers, recommending me highly." He paused as he saw her shiver again from her still wet clothes. It made him anxious, he didn't want her to get sick, but knew it better to leave her be for the moment so he tried to ignore it "Within a week I was introduced to the team and settled in at Ops. I thought that because our area at NCIS specialized in undercover operations that everyone there would keep to themselves and be very cryptic and antisocial, that was until I saw Sam and Callen play fighting in the gym and Kensi sitting on floor laughing as Sam got the upper hand on Callen."

Nell watched his eyes get lighter again and when he smiled it reached his eyes this time. He was happy at NCIS that much she could tell.

"That first night we were introduced they invited me out for burgers and drinks." He paused "I didn't think it was possible but NCIS quickly became my family…I actually liked coming into work." He laughed but it faded quickly as his face took on a more serious one. "I knew by then it was already going to be hard leaving when I got my orders back overseas, but I knew I could handle." He broke eye contact all of a sudden, his eyes roaming everywhere but to hers as he continued to talk. "I knew I could handle leaving that is up until about a year and a half ago."

He looked back at her and her brow furrowed in confusion and shock 'she had to have known,' he thought 'she just had to have'

He felt himself getting emotional as he continued to speak "Because about a year and a half ago a woman with short brown hair, hazel eyes and a breathtaking smile walked into Ops and stole my favorite chair." He could feel the stinging in his eyes as all the pent of emotion that he'd been keeping in for more than a year fought to overwhelm him. He desperately needed her to forgive him because he needed to have her. Even if only as a friend he had to have her in his life

Nell was having a battle within herself at his admission. He'd just completely flipped her world upside down. 'Was he saying what she thought he was? That he cared for her that she was the reason he could no longer handle leaving?' She didn't want to give herself false hope but her heart was not obeying as it thudded harder against her chest in anticipation of what he might say next.

"And I tried so hard to keep my distance from this woman because there was just something about her that got to me and I knew that if I let her in just a bit she would steal my heart and I'd be lost of ever getting it back again," he weakly smiled at her "not that I'd ever want to if it meant that she'd be the one holding onto it." He placed emphasis on the "ever" and couldn't bare note touching her any longer and reached out a hand to cup her cheek, running his thumb affectionately along her jaw. His eyes began to water.

She had long passed that stage and had a tear leaking out of her eye at his touch. She could see the truth of his words in his eyes but her brow was still furrowed. "I don't understand, if you're admitting what I think you are," another silent tear "why were you going to leave without telling me goodbye?" It killed her to do so but she had to step out of his touch, it just didn't make any sense "You had told Callen and everyone else but was going to just go without a word to me. Do you have any idea how that made me feel Eric? It makes me feel like I mean nothing to you at all."

He internally cursed himself for even a moment having caused her to doubt his feelings for her. Then he realized, he had given her no reason to defend his feelings as only today was the first time he'd even verbalized them. He had to change that. He no longer wanted to bottle up his affections for her that burned so deeply.

She didn't know what to expect as he moved closer to her but his previous admissions to her wouldn't allow her to move an inch from him again. He cupped her face in both hands and the look he now gave her was as if she were the most cherished thing in the world. She closed her eyes as he moved in slowly. And then she drowned in the overpowering intimacy of his next gesture as he leaned down to her and his lips touched her skin, kissing away the tears on her cheek.

When he pulled back she'd never seen such a look directed at her as the one he was giving her right now, "Nell Jones," he paused looking a bit conflicted for a moment "I don't know how to apologize enough for making it seem like you meant nothing to me, because that is the very last thing I could ever feel for you. I won't lie to you though, I had every intention of leaving without saying goodbye today, but it wasn't because you mean nothing, it's more like because you mean everything." He closed his eyes then "I was being selfish, protecting myself because back there in Ops today saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I never understood the meaning of 'heart ache' till that moment when I turned away from you and walked away, that's why I came here tonight. I had to see you again I couldn't just leave like that and not see you for months. I couldn't say goodbye…I still can't." he was still close to her, his hands cradling her face in his hands, and he could no longer hold it in. His dark green eyes opened as a tear escaped, streaming down his cheek. "And I won't Nell, I can't say goodbye to you, ever….so please don't ask me to, because I don't want to disappoint you anymore than I have today." His eyes begged and she could see he was unmoving in his request.

She'd never seen Eric cry before but she was certain that she never wanted to see it happen again at her cost. Clearly there had been a lot of misunderstandings on both parts and they caused each other unnecessary pain because of it. He thought that by saying goodbye to her he might never see her again. And she had thought that because he hadn't intended to say goodbye to her that she didn't mean anything to him. At least on her part she was wrong because from what she had gathered from his words to her and the way he was looking at her now, though he hadn't used the "L" word he obviously cared deeply enough for her to shed a tear at the thought of goodbyes. Even him caring a little was good enough for her as she knew she was very much in love with him. He asked her not to ask for a goodbye and she could do that for him, but while she wouldn't say goodbye she decided in that moment that nothing would keep her from seeing him off at the airport for his impending flight.

Wanting to forget the last few stressful hours of the night and feeling emotionally exhausted she finally felt it safe enough to give into what she had wanted to do the moment he had closed the distance of the room between them. And with only inches separating them she fell into his arms her cheek resting against his chest and wrapping her arms around him.

When she fell into his arms and clung to his body he didn't hesitate in wrapping his arms around her lower back and pulling her close. He couldn't believe it. She was in his arms and he never wanted to let go. And so they didn't for a long while just savoring in the moment, no speech needed yet because they both knew they had a lot more to talk about once separated. But when he felt her shiver, yet again, he remembered that she was soaking wet.

"Nell you're gonna get sick if you stay in these clothes any longer." He said pulling away reluctantly.

He felt strangely pleased for some reason to see that she too seemed reluctant at the loss of their contact.

Stepping out of his grasp it was almost as if in that moment it only just registered that she was indeed very cold and as if to amplify his concerns she immediately started shaking profusely once disconnected from his warmth.

And immediately Nell felt nervous as what had just changed between them suddenly hit her. Feelings that had never been spoken of before that day had suddenly been spilled. And while she wanted nothing more than to ask him exactly what all of this meant, whatever had gone on between them, she couldn't as the newness of the situation brought with it an awkwardness of the unsaid.

Feeling overwhelmed and needing to regroup she took her wet figure as an excuse to get away from him long enough to think clearly.

"Your right." She said looking down at her clothes "I'm gonna go get out of these and take a quick shower" she turned down the hall to her bedroom. But then she hesitated and turned around to meet his eyes.

"Don't leave." Was all she said and he could tell by the way she said it that it was a plea. And he could almost guess at the double meaning of the request in relation to his deployment. He threw her a crooked grin and it was all the confirmation she needed to know that he'd still be there when she returned.

She hurried down the hall to her room closing the door behind her taking a deep breath as her back for the second time that day leaned again a door. Only this time she was in shock, not tears, at what was happening. Eric Beal the man who she loved was only a short distance away from her, in her home, waiting for her to return to have a conversation that could possibly change both their lives.

But then she also had to remember that in less than 36 hours he'd be on his way out of her life for months or even a year. She didn't want to dwell on those thoughts, but she couldn't help let them in as they were very real. And then the thoughts she'd been trying to push away since the moment he spoke of his departure burst its way in. There was also a very real chance that she might never see him again. She breathed out in defeat at the thought.

Walking into her bedroom she stood in front of the mirror and dared look at her image.

She barely recognized the woman that looked back at her. This woman's eyes were red rimmed and puffy even though she had stopped crying. But in the deep depths of the hazel outer layer there was lace of joy contrasting the red rims, joy of what might come of them and then fear of what fate he might meet during the time he would spend away from NCIS…from her. Her hair clung to her neck completely soaked. She traveled her image until she reached the place where Eric had kissed away her tears, her cheek still tingled remembering the feel. Lifting her hand to touch the skin where his lips had been her face began to heat up at the thought of how close he had been to her. She couldn't help thinking that if he had moved only centimeters to the left his mouth would have touched her own.

Her blush went nuclear and she watched as the desire sparkled in the eyes of her reflection.

Turning away from the mirror, she hurried to struggle out of her wet clothes to get in and out of the shower quickly, anxious to hurry back into his presence.

PLEASE REVIEW GUYS, I'm disappointed with the low numbers :( Thanks though to you guys that are reviewing….I guess I gotta work harder to make this story more angst filled to get your attentions…it is a challenge however I am willing to take on! :)